I'm seeking advice.. Please help me.

[meiscreative]

I'm new here... I'm just looking for some insight and advice from other people. (The next paragraph is sort of a background on what has happened to me and why I think I've a right to post here, I suppose.)

 

 

I'm 15. I've gone through many things that have heightened my maturity in the past (i.e. at 11 I was the second parent in my household, quitting extra curricular activities to help my mom take care of my baby brother, helping my mom through her divorce and letting her understand that everything will be okay; I lived in a homeless shelter for 3 months and during that time, while also going to school, I held a job and managed my grades in school).

 

Since I was about 12, I've always had thins thing for guys. Not boys.. of 13, 14, 15. Guys of like 21, 22, 23. I've always had this kind of attraction to them and they to me.

 

When I was 12, I had a relationship with a 16 year old which only lasted 3 months, and within the next 5 months I was 13 and in a relationship with a 19 year old. That school year (8th grade), I had this flirting (or so it seemed from my point of view) relationship with one of my male teachers (whom I knew for a fact was in his early 30s) and I always enjoyed hanging around him, but it never left the flirting stage and it ended with the school year.

 

This year (10th grade) I'm in a similar situation. I've got this teacher who, besides being a friendly guy, seems to have a maturity level (not to mention similar interests in Fantasy and SciFi books/movies) in sync with my own, which only creates a bigger dilemma for myself.

 

I'm 15, I've got this really horrible crush (which seems to be starting a pattern every year) that causes these odd feelings and deep misunderstandings on my part; I'd like to think that this teacher finds me attractive in some way, but then again, I feel more than guilty because I've met his wife and I've met his two daughters (who are both now in college) and they are wonderful people. I'd hate to think that I could be the problem that breaks them apart, or ruins one of their lives or.. something else.

 

This teacher... he seems to treat me different. I try to tell myself that it's just the crush that's making me feel that he teases me more with different things and purposely makes dirty jokes to get me to blush or is constantly seeking my approval on different things.

 

I feel self-conscience and confused and ugly when I'm around this teacher, I'm constantly avoiding him any way that I can, while still trying to catch sideway glances at him.

 

I ask: Is this normal? What is wrong with me, what's happening? What do I do about it?

 

I have this longing for a meaningful relationship with a mature, experienced, and understanding guy, but I can't seem to wait.

 

Please tell me what's going on.

 

Thank you.

 

-MeIsCreative

[kskm]

OK this is what is happening in that brain of yours;

 

You didn't mention a father figure at all so this is my take on this:

 

You haven't had a father figure in your life, so you are searching for one. Not for a father for your mother, but for a father to protect and take care of you. You feel ugly and self conscious in front of him because you care about what he thinks about you, you want him to approve of you and what you are doing- just like a father would.

Any relationship other than student/teacher relationship is strictly forbidden. You CAN NOT do this. You would be hurting yourself along with his family and his career. Apparently something is wrong with him for him to go after someone your age. When he says things to make you blush you need to say "that was innappropriate and the next time you say something like that I will report you to the authorities". It is NOT RIGHT and NOT LEGAL and NOT SAFE. It WILL cause you heartache. PLEASE don't get any more involved with this man.

 

On another note; most girls are attracted to older men- that's ok- but I think that it's only ok if say you are in high school to only date in high school. Once you are out of high school then date in college. Out of college go for whoever you want.

Please steer away from this man!!

[smallworld]

Meiscreative, I agree with Kskm and think you should wait until you're 18. But I also know that you're young and no number of should's and shouldn'ts ever had sway over me when I was your age, so I'm just going to point out the red flags and let you decide if this "older" guy is worth the trouble.

 

1. He's a teacher who's abusing his position of authority and he knows it. To you it may seem highly romantic that this man is showing interest in you, but the reality is he's an adult who knows what he's doing is wrong. All teachers are required to take workshops about how to motivate students while avoiding any hint of impropriety. My bro-in-law teaches, but will only meet with a student after class if another female teacher is present. Why? Because he could lose his career and go to jail if something happened and he values his vocation too much to ever make such a mistake. This guy on the other hand is flirting and telling you dirty jokes. What does this tell you about his character?

 

2. He's married. Immorality aside, could you honestly enjoy having a relationship with this guy knowing how much it will hurt his wife if she ever found out? Are you willing to split them up? If he left his wife, could you ever really trust him not to do the same thing to you someday with some other student? And if he never left her, how would you feel?

 

3. He's not treating you with respect (i.e. dirty jokes). If he really cared about you, he'd speak to you with respect, ask you questions about your goals, and he'd want what's in your long-term best interests. He wouldn't risk doing anything that might impact your future negatively and he'd divorce his wife and wait until you're an 18 before he ever made a move on you. The fact that he's telling you dirty jokes and toying with your feelings, tells me he's not looking for a relationship, but an underage fling.

 

4. He's making you feel confused and ugly. Real love isn't selfish. Real love makes us feel safe, happy, & good about ourselves, and it recognizes what makes us beautiful inside and out. If you feel ugly (dirty), it's because what he likes most about you is not your maturity, personality, talents, or good heart: It's that you're young, physically attractive, and he wants to bed you. Sex is an important, healthy part of any romantic relationship, but it's net result should make you feel loved, not ugly.

 

So - What do you think???

[wellswomyn]

I don't really have any advice beyond what has already been offered here, because I think they all had really good things to say. But I wanted to just comment that I think your life experiences have indeed made you very mature, and this is evident in the way you have expressed yourself very clearly in your post. I think that if you really weigh out all of your options, you will see what you need to do to put your life on the right track. i think you are at a very important junction in your life. but you seem like a smart girl...

[jennykitty]

Like everyone else has said don't get invovled with him. Be sure you aren't getting mixed signals either. I had a male teacher in hs and this guy would call girls his wife and curse and tell dirty jokes. Now as a teacher, he shouldn't have done those things. I hate when folks things of teachers are pure always moral people, because they are just like anyone else,they are human too. He may feel that you are mature and that he treatly you differently because you are mature that could be the case, or he could just be some weird guy. I would staright out tell him that the jokes make you uncomfortable and you would like him to stop telling them. This isn't a unfair request. If he doesn't i would go to a higher up, princpal or ast princpal. No one should feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. Title IX and sexually harassment law protect you.as for the marriage thing. I don't have a issue with it, please no one throw the stones at me, but if a married man is looking for a relationship, then he is only breaking it not the other woman. I often the other is blamed for a break up when the one that was married activity seeked the relationship.

[meiscreative]

Thanks for replying. What you've said kind of helps me understand what's going on, but not fully. I appreciate it.

 

 

I just feel that I should put this out there (because I realize I didn't specify before): His dirty jokes weren't pointed towards me.. when he tells them, its in front of our whole class, so it's not like he's pin-pointing me.

 

I understand completely that teacher/student relationships are strictly forbidden (as a matter of fact, at school, there was an assembly about it, which brought me to confront these feelings, which I now realize is a really bad crush on my teacher).

 

I think I was just overevaluating the fact that we have a lot of things in common, and his interests in those things (like Lord of the Rings... he got his DVD before I got mine and I didn't talk to him until I got mine.. it was a playful joke thing).

 

Thanks wellswomyn... I guess I am pretty mature. I've also come to the decision that I'm not going to date at least until I'm 18 because any guy that I'll want to date will be older and I really don't need the government to intervene.

 

 

I need to know how to figure out these damned signals, too. I don't want to make this mistake again.

[kskm]

I think that it is great of you to come to the conclusion that you aren't going to persue this man. But don't be afraid to date- just limit yourself on the age. Say for example while you are in high school you only date people in high school, and then when in college only date people in college, or in that age group. And then after college you can date whomever you like!! Again, good luck!

[meiscreative]

Heh, I would date, but the whole problem with me is finding someone... I guess to my standards, you could say. I have a low tolerance for pervertedness and that seems to be mainly what guys my age like these days-- they like calling a girl names and having her get a high from it and, call me crazy, but I'm more of a romantic "hero saves the damsel in destress" person. I like to be swept off my feet.

 

 

If I date, I'll be tempted for someone older and I just can't deal with the problems.

 

 

Thanks, again.

 

-MeIsCreative

[meiscreative]

Today was really hard.

 

He was back from a weeklong relocation (at some other school) and he came back with this facial hair that just makes me melt.

 

Arrgh, I changed my class this afternoon.

 

 

 

Thanks for anyone who has been reading and posting... I'd post all this in my online journal but there are people at school who read it.

 

Thank you.

 

-MeIsCreative

[confused987]

I sorta understand what you're going through, but with a few differences.

 

Maybe you're misreading the signals. A lot of people, in reality and television, misread signals from other people and they end up blowing situations completely out of proportion.

 

Maybe you could ask him. Just ask him, straight out, "Where are you going with the friendliness that you appear to have over me compared to the other students?" so it doesn't sound like you're asking him if he's seeking you out sexually.

 

If you think you're too shy, or you're afraid he might try to pull something, have a friend (or a couple) stand near you, inconspicuously while you talk to him, just for some backup.

 

Also, I think you should look for someone you can talk to about this in REAL LIFE. Not necessarily another teacher, counselor, or professional help, but maybe a friend who you think could understand.

 

Good luck with this.

[meiscreative]

I could never go up and say that to him. That's the reason I'm here, posting this; it's because I can't go to him about it and I can't confront anyone else about it, I know they won't understand.

 

I probably am misreading the signals, but something happened today that confused me.

 

I got into a really heated argument with another student over something that happened a week ago (other students brought it up because they seemed to find it amusing that we argue) and I told her: "Let it go. It's over, it happened last week, the boys are just trying to get a rise out of us, and we resolved it. Just stop." and anything she said after that I ignored.

 

The teacher, when the bell rung, dismissed people one-by-one, and left myself and the other girl in the class to speak. He told her that she shouldn't have gotten up and started cussing, and then sent her away.

 

Then he sat with me (no closer than a classmate did just a few minutes ago) and said: "Her mother, who is the Dean of Students, wasn't able to make her connections to get her into the program that you both applied for, and because you got in, she's taking it out on you. You were extremely mature in telling her that it's over an to drop it, but It's better if next time, you just ignore her."

 

And he walked me to the door and let next periods class in.

 

 

Am I reading too much into this?