5 years together, 2 apart...i want him back...

[Charliegirl]

So...here's my story... I could use some encouraging words...

 

We've all made mistakes. I certainly have. My ex and I dated for 5 years. I ended it about 2 years ago because things were getting harder and harder and we couldn't pull ourselves out of the the funk.

I started dating someone casually a few weeks later...I wasn't that into him, but really thought I was.

My ex wanted me back so badly. I couldn't do it at that time. I continued to date the other guy, and it ended 9 months later. My ex STILL wanted me back, but for some reason I was still so afraid to get back together...still afraid that the same thing would happened.

 

We've maintained a good friendship over the last 2 years and both of us still thought we'd give us another try sooner or later.

 

Well, he recently started dating someone new...first girl he's dated since me...and I'm devastated. In the last couple of months I've been getting really close to being able to get back together...but had still been so scared...and now...now that I fear I've lost him forever, I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I love him still. I've never loved anyone like that beforen and feel that I never will.

 

We talked about this new girl and he said even if he hadn't met her he didn't think he could see us together again. Is that how he really feels, when even just less than 2 months ago he was still thinking that we could be together? Or is this just a boost of confidence from being with someone new? i don't know what to think.

 

We both cried when we were hugging goodbye. I know the love is still there. I will wait for him. I've dated other people in the last two years and when I was doing that I had times that I didn't think I could go back to my ex...maybe that's just what he's feeling now...I don't know how to know or what to believe.

 

I would love to hear what anyone has to say. I realize it was my fault that we didn't try again...he always wanted to. But, sometimes you have to lose somebody completely before you figure out what they mean to you.

 

sorry for the long post...i could really use some encouragement...

[bubbamackdaddy69]

I'm kind of exactly in the same shoes as your ex right now..together 3 years, apart for almost 2 years. Still maintained to be relatively good friends between that. She dated someone several weeks later and with him for a year or so.ended it 2 months ago and she has been calling me more etc..

If he's like me he's just feeling scared and most likely still has feeling for you..read my posts to get more info as well if you like.

 

Give him time and see if he wants to meet for coffee sometime and take it from there.?

[Charliegirl]

thanks B. I've been reading your posts too...haven't got through them all, but we are definitely in similar situations. Can I ask you though...along the way, did you ever think that you couldn't see yourself getting back together with her? Like, too much sadness is still there, too much hurt? And if so, what is making you think you CAN see yourself with her again?

 

In your situation, from what I've read so far...you need to talk to her...get it out there...if she says she just wants to be friends, maybe it's easier not to see her very much...that pain will come back otherwise...the pain you've been trying to get over for almost 2 years. What do you think?

 

And on a side note...I, too, am from Ottawa!!! Go SENS!!!

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Yeah I thought we would never get back together for sure when she was dating that other guy at first. At times I see myself with her later on because of the bond we had together. we did everything and anything together.

Yeah..well today she called me at my office and wanted to do lunch but I declined.. take a breather you know..

we've been seeing alot of each other the past few weeks, well more anyways than before and have had sex the last 2 times we've seen each other ..not really into having a casual sex relationship with an ex though..rather have something a little more committed.

 

I'm actually an OILERS fan..lol.... I like the sens though alot when they don't play the OILERS !!

[shorty20]

Well I know what you are going though. It's tough the way the timing never seems right. He loves you and ur not sure, and then when u love him, he's not sure anymore. I think the best thing you can do is wait. I think him seeing another girl maybe made him realize that he can have someone else, but maybe being with her will make him realize that she isn't YOU. I would say to just give it time... he waited for you, and now if you're serious about it it's your turn to wait. Whatever happens, just know that things don't happen just because, everything happens for a reason, and maybe 5 years from now you'll look back and be able to see all of the reasons why.

[h_b_k_02]

Here is my point I made proven. If anything, it is usually the female dumper that eventually has a change of heart, and the guy who gives up waiting on her. Then the girl wants him back when he begins to become happy again.

 

Oh, if only relationships were so simple. You always want what you can't have I guess. It is true, and I don't know why that is so.

 

I always took my girlfriend for granted, I accept this as fact now, I no longer deny it. If I were ever to get just 1/2 a chance, I would honestly never do that to her again. I now want what I may not ever be able to have.

 

NC increases the pace of whatever occurs. I am sure by you wanting him back after 2 years, you would have wanted him back sooner and the timing would have been right if he had done that from the beginning. By being your friend (and I don't think you'll argue with me here), perhaps you kind of figured he would always be there for you and you knew he wanted to be with you so why not see what else is out there.

 

If he had cut the contact, it would have scared you that something better does not exist, or at least that you did not want to go looking when you knew in the back of your mind you had something good.

 

How accurate would this be?

[Charliegirl]

thanks for the replies.

 

Shorty, I hope you're right. I do think it's all been a matter of bad timing. He still looks at me the same...I know the love is still there. I hope that him seeing someone new, although exciting now (i've been there, I know the feeling), I hope it makes him realize that I'm the one for him. We had a really great relationship for 4 years with 1 year of hardship...i don't regret ending it at the time, cuz I don't know if things could have worked themselves out...we were both in bad places individually...but are both in better places now. I just hope that we can put everything behind us and move on together.

 

You are right h_b_k_02...i did feel that he would be there always. In the back of my mind I knew the day would come that he would meet someone else...but i didn't think it would hit me so hard. It's not about him seeing someone...i think that will do wonders (has done) for his self esteem,,,but the fact that he said that he can't see us together is what's really killing me. I truly feel that he's speaking from his head and not his heart. I know I'm still in his heart...and I'm totally beating myself up for not getting back together when he wanted to. It was the biggest mistake of my life, and I'm hoping to get the chance to make it all up to him. I just miss him and love him so much. We should've done NC right from the beginning...i'm certain we would be back together...but we couldn't keep each other out of our lives...it was so difficult...

 

*sigh*...i'm still going to keep the faith though...

[h_b_k_02]

See, I pretty much felt the same thing about my ex. She broke up with me and then told me to move on, get over it blahblah.

 

Well, she seems to be the one that is having a hard time with NC now. It's one of those "You can't live with him, you can't live without him" dilemmas she is facing. She always gives me words like "Right now I don't see us together". What that says to me is that she wants me to stick around as a friend while she looks for something better. This is unacceptable to me. I think NC will scare the daylights out of her, and in the meantime will help me get over her so much faster. I want her to know (she always said I was threatening) that I am not going to be there any more, I am not going to be her safety net any more.

 

You know what, when things don't work out with this guy she is seeing, I already know that is when the phone rings. It will be interesting how she reacts when I ask her who broke it off. Basically, her answer will tell me if I want her back or not. If he broke it off, she is pulling the old "take me back I'm lonely" spiel. If she broke it off, then perhaps I will genuinely give her a chance to prove to me she actually wants to come back, and that I won't be just some "retro" thing before she leaves me again. If she comes back, I want a full commitment, right down to moving in together, and she knows that. If that scares her, then I guess I'll find out if that scares her more than me not being in her life at all.

[heartbroken23]

Hi Charliegirl,

 

you seem to remind me alot of my ex. We broke up a year ago and she started dating a guy a couple of months after and she is still with him. She wanted to remain friends with me throughout...i tried, and it was too hard. So I eventually initiated NC 2 weeks ago. She was devastated that I was not going to be her friend while she had a bf. (I think she needed me as security). She always sent me mixed signals:

 

"I love you and will always love you."

"I am not over you"

"I do not love my new BF"

"I think of you every single day."

"I am scared to be alone and and am really scared that you will find a new GF" (In my opinion if she is saying this, she shouldn't be in a realtionship now)

 

When I was in ireland for 4 months she told my friend that she didn't think her relationship would work out and something along the lines of finding me in ireland like a fairytale? Why would she tell my friend that when she knows it will get back to me.

 

I initiated NC because i was sick of the mixed signals and being friends hurt me. She also says who knows what will happen in the future...her new BF is going back to school. But she also said that as long as her BF treats her good and doesnt hurt her, she couldnt see breaking up with him.

 

I new I had to do NC right then and there..as I aid she was devasted and cried. But I need to do it to move on. I have to move on....I can't be like this forever. What if she tells me she is moving in with him, or engaged...i need to be at a point where that would not bother me, i.e. moving on...I know she does not want me to, but I need to for me.....I don't know why I wrote this to you, but maybe you could realate from a guys point of view. He may have loved you alot, but needed to move on cause he couldn't have you. Can you offer me insight from a girls Point of View?

[chai714]

He may have loved you alot, but needed to move on cause he couldn't have you. Can you offer me insight from a girls Point of View?

 

Heartbroken raises a very good point and valid reason here.

 

Charlie, since your ex is still emotional about you he still cares a lot. I am leaning toward what Heartbroken says though, because it makes sense. Of course, there could be other reasons too, but it's a strong possibility that he moved on to protect himself.

 

Him being emotional means he cares deeply about you still. If you both cried, that means that he cares deeply about you. Try spending some time with him either talking or hanging out. You don't have to jump back into a relationship with him. You know what he likes more or less and know how to make him feel good. How you make him feel will ultimately determine whether or not he wants to come back. You're in a better position than most too, being that he still cares about you. Now all you have to do is put in the time.

[Charliegirl]

thanks Chai. What you say makes sense and keeps the hope alive in my heart.

He and I have remained good friends (off and on, but mostly on) for the duration of being broken up...but now that he's seeing someone, he's been distant...we've gone through this phase before...usually when I was seeing someone, or he was too heartbroken to talk.

 

he knows how upset I am right now...should I keep trying to talk to him as a friend, or just do NC for a while? I'm kind of torn about what is the best choice. Being his friend while he's dating her will be really hard for me, but I would miss him so much if I wasn't in his life at all.

 

I just feel so incredibly lonely with the thought of him out of my life forever.

 

It's morning...and mornings are the worst. I work evenings...so, if anyone has any good plans of what to do with my days to distract myself...that would be helpful.

 

thanks

[h_b_k_02]

Weigh the pros and cons. If you can't handle seeing with someone else, then he has to go because you are simply delaying or stopping your own healing process.

[xymox]

I am going through a similar situation, my ex broke up with me a little over a month ago and at first he didnt want me to talk to him but then when i finally stopped he came back. We arent back together but he still wants me in his life. He mentioned about hanging out with another girl, he said they're not together or anything but he didnt know what would happen in the future. He told me he still loves me and everything I wanted to hear except we can't be together right now. I am also having a hard time being his friend because how do I know if he will end up with someone else. I can understand where you're coming from because I also find it hard to picture him not in my life at all anymore. My advice is maybe try being his friend for now and see how it goes. He could possibly realize you are the person he wants to be with. It may take a while but you never know. Don't let this stop you from meeting other people though. Give him time and show him what a great person you are. If you feel like you can't handle him being with someone else I would just do NC if you're able to and if he loves you enough he will call you. I didnt think my ex would call me back after telling me to leave him alone but he did. I would suggest not calling him too much, basically let him initiate most of the conversations because you don't want to push him away. I know how hard it is, I am having a hard time dealing with this myself.

[ragtop2003]

I would suggest NC , let him have some time without you. If you are always around/available then you will be put on the back burner, and be much less desirable. It sucks to have NC especially if they are seeing someone else because you think if you out of contact then your out of mind, I know I'm going thru this with my ex right now. I started the NC about 10 days ago myself so I could heal and also to let her see what it's really like to not have me at her beck and call.

[Charliegirl]

...i'm getting sadder and sadder instead of better even though it's been so long.

 

Ever since my talk with my ex, after he told me that he was dating someone, he's pretty much been avoiding me. We've been "friends" throughout our 2 year break up...still hanging out every once and a while, talking through email and stuff....well, there were periods of NC but we'd always break it cuz we both missed each other terribly.

 

Now he's dating someone new and doesn't contact me at all. I know NC is the best thing for me right now, but it's so hard not to talk to him. I'm dreaming about him every night and wake up so loney and hurt.

 

He called me the other day with some terrible news that he "thought I should know". His mother has been diagonosed with cancer which they think has been there for 10 years already...and they say she doesn't have long. I am so overwhelmed with sadness for him and his family (he lost his dad already 7 years ago), and it hurts so terribly that I can't be there for him in the way that I'd like to be. I'm just not that person to him anymore. He told me that this is something he's just going to have to get through with his family.

 

I was very close with his family and will do my best to support from afar...I'm writing his mom a letter.

 

I feel so selfish that in this time I"m thinking about the relationship with my ex and his new gf. I guess this kind of hardship will either bring them together or push them apart.

 

Either way, with everything going on, I know I'm probably not on his mind...I don't blame him for that. I just feel for sad for him and wish things were different for us too.

 

I don't know how to get over him. It's been 2 years and I still want him with me. I feel I have nothing in my life anymore even though I still have my job, friends, activities etc...i just don't want to do it without him...

 

any offerings of advice at this point would be so appreciated...i can't stop crying this morning...