how do i get over his betrayal?

[lgirl]

IN A NUTSHELL: my ldr bf broke up with me suddenly almost 4 weeks ago (see my original thread 'Please help, I'm so confused in Getting Back Together), and i found out last wkend he's been seeing his friend's gf during this time! he told me it should never have happened and that it was a mistake. said he ended going to her after we had our bust-up, that it was a one-off, although he's been spending time round at hers rather than be at home. he told me he doesn't want to lose me, and I told him that he has to cease all contact with her if that's the case, but he's dragging his feet so far because she's in his neighbourhood and 'too close to home'. i was in so much shock speaking to him – his 'revelation' came out right at the beginning of our last conv, and we were on the phone for over 4 hrs – that i gave him the impression we could work things through, and he agreed.

 

THE PROBLEM: i feel as though if he'd beaten me up i wouldn't feel this bruised. i literally feel like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby, when she's lying in the hospital bed before they amputate her leg. he's laid me out with such a cruel sucker punch – never saw it coming. feel i should be picking myself up, but i can't even stand up i feel so weak.

 

although my head's telling me i can't be involved with someone who could treat me like this, betray me so deeply, i still can't believe this has happened. i can't escape the harsh facts of how he's treated me and i know in my heart this is just too much for my self-respect to bear. but i can't switch off from it – all the unnecessary details he gave me; he has been unflinchingly blunt with me while still declaring he loves me (!). i feel so stupid that this has happened to me and that i'm in such a sorry state. have been in so much SHOCK. he is not the person i knew; he has brought so much shame on me. i feel so humiliated by it all.

 

i haven't eaten a square meal for almost a month now, the only break i get from it all is when i physically pass out in the early hours, and to make it worse it feels like the balance of power still lies with him – he broke up with me yet he's the one saying he wants to 'put a smile back' on my face and 'then see' about being my bf again.

 

i can't think straight. how do i redress the balance of power? get it back on my terms? i need to put this right for myself and make him realise what he's done. he can't be allowed to do this to me and get away with it.

 

WHAT DO I DO NOW? please help. i feel so disempowered. i don't know how to pick myself up from this.

[djedix]

Anyone can put a smile on somone's face. It's the ones who never take off who are worth it.

 

Pick yourself up, dust off..... and move on. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I think the main reason you feel disempowered is because you are giving HIM the power over your life. The result is that you are so unhappy with what he has done in the relationship, that you lost all happiness in life. Now you lack even the will to eat and keep yourself healthy.

 

The only thing you can do is take your power back NOW. It will be very, very hard to regain the trust in this relationship. I am sorry to say, but I think it's really unlikely that you will ever stop obsessing about what happened with his friend's gf.

 

You need to use your head inspite of the scrambled form of love you still feel for him.

 

1. he cheated on you

2. he betrayed his friend by cheating on you with his girlfriend

3. you are in longdistance. You need 200% trust in longdistance, because most of the time you are NOT together.

 

If you want your power back, you need to decide yourself if you want this relationship. I can tell you you shouldn't, he can beg and plead or try to make it look ok-ish what happened with that girl, but in the end it's YOU who gets to decide about your life.

 

The only one in the world that is truly responsible for your happiness, is yourself. Often there are more choices in life than we see, because we let others decide things for us. If that decision is wrong for us, we can get on the wrong path in life, and lose our sense of direction.

 

Stop thinking that he is the key to happiness.

 

Ilse.

[sidhat]

i feel sorry for your abusive relationship.. Every1 deserve to live happy and life is too short... get your power back and MOVE ON..

Hate the sin and Love the sinner.. i dont think it worth it.

 

 

GOOD LUCK...

[Meowy]

First off why do you feel so humiliated and stupid? He was the one that cheated and should be the one feeling stupid and humiliated. You were the strong one who was able to remain faithful through the whole ordeal. It's easy to stray and a thousand times harder to remain faithful, especially in an LDR. You want to get power back? Keep telling yourself that, keeping telling yourself how strong you really are.

 

As for letting him get back into your life? Forget it! It's great to give someone a second chance but in the long run once someone cheats on you and breaks your heart it becomes easier for them the second time around. Sure you can convince yourself that he lost you once and would be afraid to do it again but in my experience someone who would say that and actually feel that way wouldn't cheat in the first place.

 

I was in an LDR for 4 years. She cheated on me after 2 years, then 2 months later came back to me saying it was the worse mistake of her life. Well flashforward to 2 months ago and she dumped me again. I begged and pleaded to get her back but she refused. Each time I asked why she broke up with me again she gave me a different answer and finally said I was making it difficult for her to be friends with me. Hello! She cheated, treated me like crap and I was making it difficult? Point of my story is that you don't need people like that in your life and you especially don't need them running your life!

[lgirl]

just want to thank you all (Sidhat, Meowy, Djedix, Ilse) for taking the time to read my post and offer me yr advice –much appreciated. Meowy – i guess i feel humiliated because he went to someone else, told her how and why (no doubt) he thought things weren't working out betw us, shared personal information, i guess is what i'm trying to say. also this girl had been "feeding off the crumbs of our relationship" (his words) for a while, so she'll feel she's got one up on me, even though he's blatantly using her and will never feel for her what he felt for me.

 

i also feel stupid that he was able to this to me. if he'd physically beaten me up i cldn't be more bruised. feel humiliated that other people (his friends, some of whom i only just met when i went over to see him for my b'day in March) know. feel i can't tell any of my friends because it's so humiliating – dumped and cheated on!

 

i can only hope that these other people will see his behaviour as being a bad reflection on him. it really bugs me that he seems to be (and feels) he's calling the shots right now.

 

my main problem is that i feel so winded by the experience i feel unable to act. literally feels like i'm waiting to get back on my feet, have been laid so low by it. now that i'm coming round from the concussion he induced, i know i can't condone his behaviour, even if he could somehow magically put it all right (magically, being the key word).

 

i can't be the person he is right now but i feel tied (and still love/miss) the person i thought he was. i cannot emphasise enough how different he's behaving to the man i knew. if he'd ever given me even a hint of bad behaviour i'd have dealt with this situation more decisively because there wld be a pattern. but this has all been so out of the blue. we can't go back to what we had and we've lost our future together.

 

i still wake u every morning in shock that it's happened. still don't understand how he's able to carry on as though nothing's happened. when we spoke last wkend, he said he hasn't been able to concentrate, has had a heavy heart feeling so heartbroken and missing me, he led me to believe. but how can he still be calling her every day and not me. he told me he only goes round there because he can't stand to be at home all the time (lives with his ma) and that she's always asking him to stay over but he doesn't because he doesn't want to… he hasn't done anything to put things right that i know of.

 

have got a feeling he might call this wkend. i am planning to write him a letter telling him like it is and closing the door on him, but haven't written it up yet. what shall i do if he calls? i want to know what (if anything) has changed out of curiosity, but i don't want to play my hand until i'm stronger and can really use it to devastate him. i want him to go through the pain and shed the tears that i have. can't believe that i actually miss him still.

 

what does anybody think?

[djedix]

You can't just make yourself stop thinking about it. The harder I tried not to think about my situation, the more i actully thought about it.

 

When someone breaks up with you, you're powerless. They have all the power, because they are the ones who control the destiny of the relationship. they leave, leaving us, to be like "WTF just happened?" They made the decision to end it, when we didn't want it to. We think to ourselfs omg this is it, it's over. Well it usally is over. But it's a good thing. My sit... Imagine if woulda got married to her. Imagine 3 years down the line, she pulls this. Imagine i had a kid with her. It would be more messed up then it is right now. It's shocking. But people change. People change how they think. And they make decsions on what's best for them, and themselfs. That's just how people act. They might not be crying, and being in much pain as we have to be, but it's ok. They have to live with what they did to us. And that's probally just as painfull as the down period a dumpee is. i once dumped someone, and ruined them. And i still feel like crap to this day about doing it.

 

I still think about it everyday, but it's not as much as it used to be. But i'll tell you this. As soon as i meet a new person, that i like, those thoughts will fade even more. Time is healing, you'll see it eventually. Till then just keep posting up if you have down times, we're all here for you

[lgirl]

Djedix, think what you say is absolutely right. I guess I have to take on board that if it was ever gonna happen, better it happened now than later, especially as we were talking about having kids in the next couple of yrs + i was getting ready to move to NY to be with him. In fact, when we were talking last wkend, he flagged it up as something he's very serious about (never mind, given his recent behaviour, he's not fit to be a parent), had previously said to me that it didn't matter whether I had kids or not (I have voiced concerns I might not be that fertile), he loved me enough and I was his choice. That's all changed now and it's become a burning issue for him.

 

But that's what hurts, we had such a defined, committed future together, can't believe he wants to throw it away. And the tragic thing is we probably coulda worked through our issues if he hadn't gone and betrayed me like that. Can't erase that from my mind and that's the big sticking point (aside from the fact that if it'd been the other way around he wouldn't have give me any second chances; wonder if I 'accepted' it whether later on down the line he'd lose respect for me).

 

But you're right. He's decided what's best for him, and him only and hang the consequences. He was not what I'd call a self-centred man, but now it's all me, me, me with him, resolutely putting himself first without a thought for anyone else. From one extreme to another. Despite calling me and sending me a coupla emails, not once has he actually asked me how I am or said he hopes I'm okay, which even a friend would do, or just out of courtesy. It's like my feelings just don't exist, like I don't have any, so it doesn't matter what he says to me or how he says it. Maybe he doesn't want to know because he'll have to acknowledge what he's done?

 

So Djedix, when you say you dumped someone once and 'ruined them', how did you know you'd ruined them? Did you feeling bad kick in immediately afterwards or did it take time for the reality to filter through to yr consciousness? How long ago was it? Think he will regret it bitterly because there was no need for it to end the way it has, all this unnecessary pain and hurt. If he'd wanted to split, all he had to do was spk to me, show a little sensitivity. It's his right to feel however he does. But he's made such a tacky mess of it, tainted all my happy memories of us. He is (or was) a really decent, thoughtful, considerate person, so I can't believe that at some point he won't feel bad.

 

Also, don't think the full impact of what he's done will hit him until I turn away from him for good. Currently, he's left the door open with me, so the reality hasn't hit and as far as he's concerned I'm still here, waiting. But once he realises that I really have gone, that there is no chance of a future with me, think it's all going to come down on him. Think he'll see what he's lost and I can only hope that deepens with time as his outlook matures. He's storing up a whole world of regrets the way he's carrying on.

 

What shall I do if he calls at the wkend? Am not strong enough yet to tell him what he can do with himself.

[djedix]

in HS, I fell inlove with this girl who i worked with, i would do anything to be with her, at all. I was crazy. Well she kept denying me, but we were friends, and we hung out alot. And we had our group of friends, which all hang out with us (like everyone does in HS). One of this girl's friends, started talking to me alot. So we became friends aswell. months pass, and it was still the same old story with the girl i liked. So i gave up trying to get with her, and just frogot about the whole thign for a while. Well the other girl started showing intrest in me, and i after all this rejection, i said what the hell, so we started hanging out more, one thing led to another and we started seeing eachother. The orginal girl got so jealous.. she did like me, she just for whatever reason didn't want to tell me. So i was left with a decesion that haunts me to this day. It's pick the better looking girl who never gave you the time of day and made you suffer for all these months, or go with the one girl who when you were sick, she came and sat by your bedside. I only being 18 or whatever i was at the time, and stupid,ut chose the better looking girl. I pretty much broke up with the girl who liked me... and showed that she liked me, for the orginal girl. Eventually we went out, and everything worked out with us.

 

But the girl i broke up, i left her in tears. she was messed up for a long time. They both were a year younger then me, (me senior) so when the prom came along, the one i broke up with did anythign she could to find a date to my prom, just so she could see me. She actully went with this poor guy who she led on just to get to the prom. I felt bad for him.

 

Here I am 6 years later, after the fiancee leaving me, and all my close friends i talk to always say "you were happiest when you were with her" and it's true. I was happy, because it was just so easy with her.. i was just happy when she was around. Every so often when i think about it, i always wonder if i woulda made the decesion to stay with her, how things woulda turned out... I'll never know. I know eventually she got over me... It took a long time.I feel so bad that i put another person through what my ex is putting me through.... But that's just love. It's so good when it's here to stay, and it's the worst pain when it leaves.

 

If i could make that decesion again, i'd choose the other. Because she was everything i want today in a girl... Stupid me

[Meowy]

If you are not strong enough to talk to him then don't. It's really as simple as that. There is nothing wrong with letting the phone ring off the hook for a day or so or in screening your calls if you have an answering machine or caller ID. You have to have the strength to tell him its over, if you talk to him before you find that strength you might stray away from what you really deserve to accomplish.

 

The one thing I really want you to do for yourself is stop feeling humiliated by this experience. Your friends won't think badly on you for what happened. You are the victim here, you didn't do anything wrong. This guy is playing around with you and as you said yourself he's also using this other girl. Some people are just users and your friends and family will see that for what it is. So please stop feeling stupid and humiliated. We all get taken in by users from time to time, it happens to the best of us.

[lgirl]

thanks for yr words Meowy, guess a part of me still wants to hear him express remorse, for him to call me and assure me he's now put things right - as he said he would. in fact, he led me to believe that it was a priority of his to talk to the other girl and 'straighten things out'. just want to hear it. just so that i can see that there's some shred of decency in him, that he was sincere. i know he loves me (strange though that sounds), but he's too messed up and messing me up in the process. just want to hear what he has to say, though it won't change anything because i can't overlook what he's put me through. that's the awful thing, there is no putting it right. it's so sad. so sad that something so good could be so awful. never thought it would end like this, so bogged down in tackiness and negativity.

 

trying not to feel humiliated, but his betrayal stings and i am hurt by the implicit rejection obviously. a blow to my pride, especially as this person claimed to love me so deeply, in so manyways. still saying he loves me. even now. but am going to take this weekend to write a letter to him, setting him straight. i've given him every opp to show me different and it's just got worse and worse. but i am going to find the strength to fight back and he will be the one left with regrets i hope.

 

but it's not easy and i still miss him. but there's no going back and no future with him. still can't believe it.

[lgirl]

[sorry, this is a bit long!]

 

well, so much for my brave words in the previous post. it is exactly anmonth to the day that he unleashed his rage on me and the whole thing turned destructive. how do i get over the hurt, it's still plaguing me. want to write that letter to him this wkend and am hoping that my frame of mind, by the time i've got it all out, will have moved on and i'll be in a better place. can't believe it still. how can i move on from that?

 

also surely he'll feel bad for what he's done, have regrets. he's in a place he never wanted to be in, lost this relationship (one that said was the first real relationship he'd ever had - realised his previous ones had been shams compared to what he had with me; went to a lot of trouble to convince me of the depths of his feelings for me. even now saying he loves me), heavily in debt and hanging out with people he always professed to despise. all because he's so angry that his life is not turning out the way he wanted, that our relationship was not going the way he wanted. so angry that 'again' things were 'slipping through [his] fingers'. told me he was surprised by the depths of his anger and that it lasted for as long as it had (days). said he'd always reined it in before, so was surprised himself (!).

 

but he doesn't seem to acknowledge the destruction it's caused, the hurt, the mess he's made of everything. was even putting it down to 'a moment of madness' when we were talking last wkend. like he can't believe it himself. but still behaves toward me like i have no feelings. no sense of what he's doing to others and yet still says he's going to straighten it out, 'put a smile back on [my] face' like it's a priority of his and yet here i am 6 days after that conversation and what has he done about that?

 

so why does he tell me he doesn't want to lose me, loves me? if he so wanted out, why not just make a clean break? i'd have to accept these things happen and get over it. but to have behaved the way he has and still be behaving with such casual disregard for my feelings. why say those things? doesn't he feel any remorse, feel at all bad? is he behaving like this because he feels guilty about what he's done, knows he's messed up big time? i just don't understand how a person can profess to love you so deeply, still say they love you after behaving so hurtfully and not feel a shred of something about the way they've treated the person they say they love.

 

sorry, i've been going on so long. will try and wrap it up here. just want to know how i get over the hurt of it all? the shock? surely there will come a time that he will regret what he's done. he's in a worse mess now than before with no way out really. he's ended up precisely where he vowed he'd never be and he had a good future ahead of him with me because we could have (at least for the time being) have worked things out between us, negotiated a way forward. so surely, given the deep-thinking person i knew him to be, he will feel bad?

 

feel like i've got a scream of anger bubbling up to be honest, anger that it's turned out like this. trashed beyond belief. and what it's done to me, how low it's laid me. how do i move on from here?

[Meowy]

Don't worry about being brave one minute and weak the next. That's just the natural process of having your heart broken. It's been 2+ months since my relationship ended and I still cry from time to time, I still feel weak. This past week has been really bad for me. But right before that I was actually making strides moving forward. You see you will feel like you are moving forward one day and backwards the next. It's just the natural cycle of things.

 

How do you get over the hurt? I don't know. I can't tell you because I'm not over my hurt either. I can tell you some things that might help.

 

1. Fantasize and dream. What I mean by this is picture yourself happy in the future. Picture yourself having fun or with another guy and this time the guy is faithful and loves you for who you are.

 

2. Look at past problems you had. I'm sure this break up isn't the first time in your life you've faced adversity. It might be the worst feeling you've had in the world but you've been down in the past. Now after thinking of that situation and how at the time you thought you would never get past it, look back from a future perspective and see that you made it through after all! At the time you felt horrible, like you wouldn't survive. Well you survived that heart ache and tragedy, you will survive this one! It might take weeks or months but somewhere down the line you will look back at this relationship and wonder why did you ever spend so much time beating yourself up! It's the truth.

 

3. Savage Garden has a song called Affirmation, I don't know whether you've heard of it or not. Well the chorus is something like this:

 

I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate true love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you got until you've said goodbye

 

You have good karma, you did your best to make this relationship work and in the future it will be returned to you. You've been burned in this relationship so the next time true love comes along you will see it for what it is more clearly. Etc

 

Those things help me out a lot. I am not recovered yet but I know one day I will be. Have faith and be good to yourself.

 

Edit: One thing I forgot to mention: don't look for him for remorse. Don't look to him for answers as to why or that he's sorry. By doing that you are still relying on him for your happiness. Your moving passed this shouldn't depend on his reasons or what he says or if he was sorry or not. That goes back to giving him all the power. You might never know the truth behind what he is feeling but that doesn't matter a whole lot in the end.

[lgirl]

thanks for your advice. seems like it's two steps forward, two back. think i'm too under to actually apply any of it right now. i'm going out of my mind at the moment because i feel he's somehow let himself off the hook and i don't know how to make him accountable. i'm writing him a letter, so i can put my side accross and maybe get some closure; tell him i don't want him anymore, so he can't think the door's still open for him.

 

but it's gutting me that he hasn't called, feel so stupid that i would even expect him to. just thought that after our 4-hour conversation (when i found out he cheated on me) he's call me at some point over the weekend (a week later), but i've heard nothing. he hasn't even called to see how i am. yet he's still calling this 'friend' of his who he has no interest in whatsover, told me how it was a big mistake etc etc.

 

and i realise that when he slipped in the reference to being my 'ex-bf' right at the end of our conversation, that he has exonerated himself from having to make any calls or do anything as he's now my ex. but why did he say he wants to put the smile back on my face, then see about being my bf again? why tell me he doesn't want to lose me – he even joked about the way to resolve things between us would be to get me pregnant. why say any of these things. if he doesn't want to know, why doesn't he just leave it that way. why say things that imply differently.

 

please help. it's driving me nuts. it's like there's a freah disappointment at every turn – as if it hasn't been bad enough. what can i do?

[loveseeker]

What can you do? Ignore him! He's giving you these mixed signals because--harsh as this sounds--he doesn't want you to give up hope. He wants you to want him while he carries on doing what pleases him. It's really cruel and heartless of him.

 

You're obviously going to chew over this loads. How can someone who claims to love you do this? Did you get him all wrong? All these questions will plague you for some time, and it's normal. After all, he has been messing with your head. What you need to do is stop all contact with him. Gradually, the thoughts will subside. Unfortunately, for a while, they won't. You'll wonder whether you're better off with him, since you're thinking of him constantly. That's normal, too. However, there's a goal in sight. ONE DAY, you won't be confused about this person any more! The only way that's possible is by cutting him loose.

[lgirl]

thanks loveseeker, think you're right. the thing is i feel like calling him up and giving him what for. i have managed to maintain NC for the last month, apart from his haphazard calls to me (like i said, the other wkend we spoke for was 4hrs!), but i feel that by doing this i've lost power. what i mean is, if he's behaving so badly, shouldn't i tell him. i am writing a letter with words to that effect. but surely a "what do you think you're doing?" would put him in his place?

 

why doesn't he want me to give up hope? is this his way of keeping the door ajar, floating the possibility that we might have a chance again in the future (we did talk about it). i feel so stupid for probably stating the obvious (or not seeing it, whichever way you want to look at it). feel like i can't allow him to think what he's doing is ok. he needs to be pulled up on his behaviour. stuff like this just exacerbates the whole original situation again – reminds me what happened all over again. the shock and surprise and feelings of betrayal just don't seem to diminish. help!

[loveseeker]

I face similar confusions about my ex. It's really normal. Does it help you to know that? It should! Allow yourself to sit back, safe in the knowledge that your feelings are natural and that you don't need to act on them.

 

Another piece of advice: if in doubt, do NOTHING! The temptation is to do something--anything--that will keep the lines of communication open is strong. After all, you really don't want to give up on this guy, do you? However, you also know that he's treated you appallingly and that you don't want to let him do that to you again.

 

In time, you'll realise that the only way of stopping him from hurting you is by cutting him out of your life. If you keep on chatting to him when he calls you (four hours is a LONG time, and if you've done this and still not got everything off your chest, I would imagine that the conversation wasn't helping), you'll keep going round in circles.

 

Stop! Realise that he has wronged you and continues to do so whilst you let him be part of your life. As for why he wants you to carry a torch for him... there's only one explanation, and it's not what you want to hear: he likes having you around because you feed his ego. He doesn't love you! If he did, he would have respected you and acted well towards you. He just wants you there for his convenience.

 

I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh. You asked to be shown the obvious, and I understand why you need to hear it. It will take you a while to believe it, but you will when you understand that loving someone means that you care for their wellbeing as much as you care about your own... You'll be able to evaluate his actions far more clearly when you recognise this fundamental truth and will know that it's for the best that you've let him go...

 

Meanwhile, keep writing here and also write all the letters you want to him but DON'T SEND THEM and if he calls you again, just tell him--as nicely as you want--to p1ss off! That should get the message home that he's treated you badly. You won't lose him by doing this; you never really had him, in any case because he's too selfish to make himself available to you. His loss...

[lgirl]

yes, harsh words alright, although I do think he's genuine when he says he loves me, he just doesn't love me enough, clearly; is too immature/ self-centred to love properly. i really can't believe he's turned out like this – it's been one hell of a shock; he's the complete opposite now to how he was. 18 months of a sweet and loving guy, then sudden switch.

 

i know you advised against it, but i am going to send him the letter. he needs to know what he's done, that his behaviour is unacceptable. that he can't treat me so badly and think i'll just take it, say nothing. also, once he gets it he'll know that he's lost me and only then will it hit him what he's done. at the moment i'm just on the back-burner so he doesn't feel he's lost me at all. he needs to know that I don't want him anymore. not now.

 

thanks again for all your advice. just wish it wasn't eating me up so much. and, boy, is it eating me up!