This is how I’m healing

[ahd15]

Nature handles attraction AHD.

 

It' there or it isn't.

 

But even mutual attraction does not = compatibility. Not all the time, anyway.

 

Being both 100% mutually attracted, and 100% compatible, sounds too good to be true in an imperfect world.

 

You hear stories about people whose strong mutual attraction carried them through the honeymoon phase, and then out came the compatibility issues in the comfort phase, and they break up.

 

You hear stories of people who are sufficiently attracted to work on their compatibility issues and move forward together.

 

You will also see posts here that say "people don't change" or "you should not ask people to change".

 

It's not a black and white thing, really, IMHO.

 

Definitely. I was just rambling. Not really about a romantic relationship. It is what it is.

[ahd15]

I want to fight for you. I’d walk through sprinklers, kick down some garden gnomes, flip over a blow up pool, push some lawn chairs down, just to get to that first kiss. But I won’t if you put up a fence between us.

I’d wait as long as I can for you to take that fence down. I want to be with you. I’m scared that you never will and that I’d wait too long for something that won’t happen AGAIN. I’m sorry but I have to move on. I have to erase you.

I have to erase the reason my life flipped right side up and I’ll be ok. I’m just not quite sure how to do something like that yet. Just like if you asked me ten years ago if I’d ever be at this point, I would’ve doubted it. But yet here I am so I’ll get there too. Eventually.

[ahd15]

Had a good day today. But it did come with a sting.

A little back story. I deleted my ex from my social media. Reached out to her three times in a 3 week span but the last message I got was her asking for space kindly. This was about two weeks ago.

She never unfollowed me on Instagram. No clue why.

I’ve been reading this book recently. It’s amazing. I’ve actually bought copies as wedding presents to a couple of friends getting married along with some other people. That’s how much this book touched me. Anyway, I posted up a picture of the book, recommending it to people. I must admit I was ready for her to delete me, but I was hoping for the opposite. Of course she deleted me right away. I sank. It hurt like hell. I thought that any chance of me being in touch with her was gone.

I got scared that I posted that up to feel in control. To “show her how much I’m changing” and it failed. I wanted to delete the post, delete social media, message her, everything. Disappear, move, maybe even die.

Then I picked up the book and read the second to last chapter. It made me feel ok again. It reminded me that I’m on the right path. So I recommend this book again to all my ENA friends.

All About Love by Bell Hooks.

[RayRay63]

ahd, I don't know your story but I am a firm believer in just allowing yourself to "feel" whatever feelings you are feeling -- heartbreak, pain, anger, love, hate, ALL of it!

 

Do NOT do anything in an attempt to suppress those emotions like the so-called "experts" advise.

 

Kat is right - stoicism can be unhealthy. On the other hand, letting go of these things and being resilient is part of moving forward.

 

I must admit I was ready for her to delete me, but I was hoping for the opposite. Of course she deleted me right away. I sank. It hurt like hell.

 

Which was, as you say temporary. Now that particular link is gone, you don't need to feel that again.

[ahd15]

I don’t think I’ve ever really lost anyone yet you know? Never had it hit me like this. It’s everyone not just her. Sure I was sad but nothing a quick fix couldn’t help. It went around in circles. I’d fix one thing, broke another, worked out, felt better. Got a new look, felt better. Etc.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to get out of the circle. I don’t know how.

There are a few thing I won’t do so I know time will go on. It’s just that there’s literally nothing I can think of.

I guess that last cut really hit me. At first and hours later. I can’t tell the future but if I was a betting man...

Sure I can cope with therapy and I am. The memories are there though. My childhood, my grandmother, my grandfather, and many other people i didn’t get to let in.

A good friend told me I have a good heart today. He said he sees through my BS and the funny thing is I haven’t seen him in years. He said if I was gay he’d scoop me up. My childhood friend told me she sees the same thing. I haven’t seen her in years. My friends text me a little more now but the past is still a dark cloud hanging over my head.

What did I do right to bring them to say that? Or are they being comforting?

 

Honestly I’m just venting. I need to let these thought out of my mind. My dogs are asleep and I live alone so here I am. I’m no different than any one else. I just hope we all find a way to heal instead of cover it up.

[ahd15]

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. Literally no idea. One day I feel good then I’m in training with one of the best companies in the world and they’re telling me how work/life balance is important. I have no life.

I get three weeks vacation, weekends off, holidays, benefits, sick days, and it seems surreal. Like it won’t last. Every day off makes me think of her (them). Same way I felt like when I met any one of the important people in my life.

I know therapy helps and it does but the low points overshadow the high points. I can’t think of a way out.

To make matters more interesting, she helped me get this job. She made me believe in myself enough to actually get out there and look.

I sit in a training class and tear up. I get home and cry. I really don’t know what to do guys. I don’t know how to be strong anymore. I want to disappear. From here from work from everyone. I can take the extreme because I would hurt those that care probably including her. How do I find a way out?

Please don’t point out hurtful things that I’ve probably already thought of. How do I get out of this low?

Do I disappear? That’s what I’ve been doing courtesy of my previous job. Do I go out reconnect? I tried but everyone has their own lives.

I’m really stuck. I’ve been reading a lot more than I ever have so even a good book would help.

Anything that would help the move forward easier.

[ahd15]

By wait there’s more...

 

This recent break up reminds me of the girl who was uncomfortable with the idea that I wanted to move around the world.

I’m typing this from the house I bought years later. She settled me down in to a home which I love. Now this recent girl settled me down in to a job which I love. How do I just let go?

 

Money is a struggle but money isn’t what I’m after. I can afford a roof and food. How can I take the next step and accept love?

[ahd15]

I made a terrible mistake. I downloaded the app that we met on and looked for her. Sure enough there she was. Now I’m doing ok physically. She changed my life for the better and I firmly believe that.

I asked her if she’d like to meet for a bite and of course no response. I don’t know how to react. Normally I’d go grab a bottle of wine and sit at home but I’m not feeling it tonight. I am at home though.

I read through some of our texts from before and there was nothing indicating she was unhappy. Of course now we’re strangers and she would probably do more to avoid me in public than anyone else.

It stings thinking about how a total stranger gets to sit across the table with her and to see her smile and I’m at home wishing that stranger was me.

I’m numb. I can honestly say this is the worst I’ve felt in my entire life. I knew what I wanted, had it right in front of me, and lost it. I have to put the blame on me. It was a pattern I never realized I was repeating. Not just with relationships.

[ahd15]

I did what I could. I don’t regret sending the message.

I just didn’t know enough.

[RayRay63]

..no response.. I don’t know how to react.

 

Well, you have your answer from her.

 

So there is no need to react really.

 

Delete the app, don't contact her (again).

 

Instead of reaching for a bottle of wine, do some exercise.

[ahd15]

Well, you have your answer from her.

 

So there is no need to react really.

 

Delete the app, don't contact her (again).

 

Instead of reaching for a bottle of wine, do some exercise.

 

It’s hard. I know I’m not alone and I hate that. I won’t react. I’m feeling pretty worthless right now. No drama no arguments just poof and she’s gone. It’s been almost two months now.

I really really don’t know how to get her out of my head. I know what to do like exercise, keep my house clean, enjoy being in the moment, and I’m doing that.

Dating? Forget about it. I can’t give someone the attention they deserve while she’s still on my mind. Maybe the old me would’ve gone on to find someone new. To fill that “void” but the thing is that’s all I’ve been doing for years. Filling a “void.”

Looking to “win.” This girl brought me down to earth so hard.

I know I sound selfish, self centered, and maybe I was but I promise I never even considered myself that way until I met her and she left and that’s the scariest part.

[ahd15]

Maybe I should join a dating site. Not for the wrong reasons but just to connect. Now that I know what I want maybe some conversations with someone wouldn’t hurt. I’m certainly not trying to paint a perfect picture of myself but the only thing I want to do right now is disappear. Maybe some counterintuitive moves will help me move towards something good again.

[RayRay63]

.. just poof and she’s gone. It’s been almost two months now.

I really really don’t know how to get her out of my head. I know what to do like exercise, keep my house clean, enjoy being in the moment, and I’m doing that.

.

 

Have you noticed that you think of her any less frequently now, than say a month ago?

 

Have you noticed that the intrusive thoughts come at any particular time - such as when you are not exercising, not scrubbing your kitchen, not engaging in some new activity?

 

If the answer to those questions is 'yes' then you know you are on the right track.

 

Sending her that message has probably set you back, which is normal in this situation. So you know not to do that again.

[ahd15]

Have you noticed that you think of her any less frequently now, than say a month ago?

 

Have you noticed that the intrusive thoughts come at any particular time - such as when you are not exercising, not scrubbing your kitchen, not engaging in some new activity?

 

If the answer to those questions is 'yes' then you know you are on the right track.

 

Sending her that message has probably set you back, which is normal in this situation. So you know not to do that again.

 

Oddly enough I think about her more. Only because she made me realize that doing those things is important. Not to say my house was a mess or I was out of shape but that I didn’t really pay attention to the little things. I’ll move forward. It’s my only option.

[RayRay63]

Maybe I should join a dating site. Not for the wrong reasons but just to connect. Now that I know what I want maybe some conversations with someone wouldn’t hurt. I’m certainly not trying to paint a perfect picture of myself but the only thing I want to do right now is disappear. Maybe some counterintuitive moves will help me move towards something good again.

 

Dating? Forget about it. I can’t give someone the attention they deserve while she’s still on my mind.

 

Join a sports club if you are looking for friendly connections with people with similar interests. Not a dating site.

 

Let's compare at these two situations-

 

1) Guy just broke up joins dating site and meets nice girl way before he's ready to even think about romantic relationships.

 

2) Guy just broke up joins a gym and does mixed classes - has a coffee with nice (but sweaty) girl after a cross fit session ... she asks him if he has a girlfriend, he says, no, broke up recently, not ready to do that yet.. gotta go but hey, see you at Thursdays class.

 

Which one do you think is more healthy?

[RayRay63]

. I’ll move forward. It’s my only option.

 

See above post about non-dating social activities in order to help yourself do that.

[ahd15]

Join a sports club if you are looking for friendly connections with people with similar interests. Not a dating site.

 

Let's compare at these two situations-

 

1) Guy just broke up joins dating site and meets nice girl way before he's ready to even think about romantic relationships.

 

2) Guy just broke up joins a gym and does mixed classes - has a coffee with nice (but sweaty) girl after a cross fit session ... she asks him if he has a girlfriend, he says, no, broke up recently, not ready to do that yet.. gotta go but hey, see you at Thursdays class.

 

Which one do you think is more healthy?

 

Option 2 of course. You’re right it’s not healthy or fair to treat people like a bandaid.

I just feel very defeated and I’m not used to not having a way out. Everything I used to do for a way out left me exactly where I am now. I don’t know if a lot of people have this realization and maybe they avoid it because they know they won’t like it.

In a way I’m glad this happened or I will be. It kicked me off “track” and the track I was on was just a big circle.

I’m volunteering, reading, processing, and it’s all very new to me.

[RayRay63]

So join the sports club, not the dating site.

[ahd15]

So join the sports club, not the dating site.

 

Dating site= bad idea. Any form of social media is a bad idea right now. I need to regroup. Talk about a life lesson, this is a huge one.

Look I’m not a bad person. I know what it’s like when someone is emotionally unavailable for a relationship. I’m also a culprit.

Moving forward I want to give someone my all. I haven’t done that except in moments. With this girl, those moments of were more special that anything I’ve ever experienced but still, there were also moments that I didn’t open up to her and that’s where I went wrong. Maybe she didn’t open up to me either. At one point in the middle she said “sometimes it’s hard for me to share my feelings.” I always asked if she was ok, because she said that, and she acted normal. Gave me keys to her apt, invited me to a rehearsal dinner, etc. like nothing was wrong. Then one day she said she can’t do it anymore.

Like I said I was blind sided. Nothing I could’ve done differently. It was the best romantic relationship I’ve ever had. Looking back at it now though, I was blind to my own actions for a lot of years.

I swear I didn’t know that about myself don’t bash me but I will learn from this before I jump in to another romantic relationship.

She gave me a reason to look forward to life and I was very care free when it came to building a real future to share with someone.

I’d rather volunteer and share and learn. I have weights at home and I can always scrub around the house.