my world is slowly caving in

[On The Road]

It's starting to get harder. Not that i hadn't anticipated this. not like i thought that it was going to be easy. but i don't know how much more i can take.

 

as you may already know, i am about to meet my biological mother whom i have not seen/heard from in about 11 years. my [adoptive] parents adopted her when she was a young girl. she took off when i was about 5 and never came back. now, my parents don't know she is coming. my brother and sister-in-law are bringing her down for a surprise. not like its actually going to be a joyous celebration right? but anyways. thats a lot for me to take. my brother asked me if it was ok and of course i said it was fine. he misses her, my other brothers miss her. my mom and her never got a long. they never had a good relationship up until the day she left. my mom is not exactly happy with her because she doesn't understand how she could just leave me like that. but i have recently found out that things are being held from me. you might call them lies, or secrets. i, quite frankly don't know what to call them.

 

i went to my brothers house by myself for a movie night. he told me how i was born. aparently, christine (bio mom) never wanted children. never. she was on birth control. but unfortunately she had a urinary tract infection and they put her on medication that canceled out the birth control pill. and just like that... ooops. i was born.

 

now you have to understand. i went through some awful times last year, and i finally found faith in myself and God to help me through it. i started this year with good intentions and was very optimistic about life. ever since the day school started, it was been downhill from there.

 

my faith is slowly fading and im currently angry with God himself. im not sure if i should be on my hands and knees thanking him that i am alive because, lets face it, im not supposed to be here, or be upset that from the day i was conceived i was never wanted.

 

i am basically lying to my parents by not telling them that christine is coming, and thats hard, to see them every day and just hope that they won't be mad at me when the day comes. but i can't tell them because my brother has done so much for me that i can't ruin this for him. By the time the day does come, i might just leave. and the thought has come accross my mind more than once.

 

but i don't know how to live anymore. i want that feeling of being alive again. i want that feeling of love and being happy. i want to love God and i miss my faith. i miss it. i need this to be over.

 

and worst of all, i have turned on my friends. when i feel like this i pull away, and im sabatojing (sp? way off i know) my friendships.

 

thanks for listening and any advice is welcome.

[avman]

Hey there my friend. I know its been a rough time for you. And remember, our faith is frequently tested. Not by God, but by evil. Evil thoughts make us doubt God and question our faith. But hold on to it. It will get you through these rough times.

 

Do not think that you are not wanted. And be careful about jumping to conclusions about what happened with your biological mother. Let her tell the story herself. Information from third parties is frequently not correct and people may be manipulating you to think what they want, rather than what you want.

 

Also, remember about forgiveness. Look down in your heart to try and find the forgiveness that is so elusive. Don't let the hurt and anger consume you and hurt you anymore. You've got so much to be proud of and you've come a very long way in the past year. Stay true to what you believe and you will come out the victor.

[nexus532]

it sounds like you are living a hard life, which in turn may be making you a stronger person. Yes you have had a rough past, and there is not much anyone can say or do to change that. What you need to understand is that you ARE here for a reason, you only sixteen there is still so much for you to do. Don't get down on yourself, nothing you have done so far is your fault. You just need to keep moving on, maybe you fsith in "God" is a kind of test, depending on your views on that subject, and it sounds like yuor a religious person, maybe "God" is testing you to see if your strong enough to see if your worthy of his grace. Personally this website has helped me feel happier, knowing that i may be helping people makes me happy. Perhaps you just need to find out what makes you happy.

[Alabama]

Whether or not you were supposed to be in this world, doensn't matter. There's a chance we all could be mistakes. But your alive. You've come this far and I know you can go farther. Your mother is coming and usually that's happy, but it sounds like that won't be your case. God doens't hate you. God, as I understand it, loves all. Nothing can change that. You've done nothing wrong! I wish you luck and hope you can find happiness in your life.