In Laws...

[Cynder]

I have been married since August of '04. My husband, Adam, and I were together about a year and a half before the marriage. His mom, Ginger, and I always have gotten along great. This was a nice, and refreshing change for me, since my last relationship (that lasted 6 years). His whole family hated me with a passion from the time they met me, and none of them could really give a valid reason why. So you see why I am so glad to get along with my in laws.

 

Well, on to the problem...

 

The other night I came home from going to pick up some concert tickets, and Adam was on the phone with his mom. He talked to her fro quite a while and when the conversation ended he came into the living room very upset.

 

He told me that Ginger is very upset and angry with me. This came as a real shock because I had no idea she felt this way. He ran through the list of reasons, and there is only one thing on the list that I am prepared to take responsibility for.

 

Around Christmas time, she casually asked me for some of my artwork to hang in her house. I told her I would give her some. Well, being a digital artist, the artwork I was going to give her required a trip to the print shop to be printed out. Every time I would suggest going to the print shop to do this, Adam would tell me not to worry about it and we'd do it another time. FYI, a medical condition keeps me from driving, so I can't just go there myself. So after about a month of Adam telling me we would do it another time. I guess I just dropped it and waited for him to tell me when "another time" was. About a week ago, I had my Senior Exhibition. Ginger was there, and she asked me again for some artwork. I apologized for not obliging last time and said I would get it to her. (This was only a week ago). Now she is mad about it.

 

Adam and I got married in her back yard. She says I never thanked her for allowing us to be married there. I know I did several times, during the coarse of our engagement, on the wedding day, and after the wedding day. I have witnesses who heard me thank her as well. She claims I never did, and she is mad about it.

 

This one I take responsibility for: On valentines day, Adam gave me a diamond ring. IT was actually a present form him and Ginger. She had this three stone ring that belonged to her mother. She had the three stones taken out and made into three rings: one for her, one for my sister in law, and one for me. I think that's a really cool idea, and I was very appreciative. I intended to call her the next day and thank her, but I forgot. Yes, that WAS my mistake. I will admit to that, and I feel terrible. But she is also mad because I don't wear the ring. Well, I don't wear it for three reasons. Firstly, it is way to big for my finger, and I am afraid if I wear it will fall off and get lost. Also, I am a factory worker who gets my hands dirty everyday, and wearing a ring like that all the time just seems impractical. I am not really the type to wear big diamonds either. I love the sentimentality of this ring, but I have my reasons for not wearing it. But she is mad.

 

She says we have neglected his family. This just mystifies me. She is mad because we don't spend enough time with them on Holidays. She told Adam that I need to MAKE my family understand that we have to see them on holidays too. I think I have done this, considering on Thanksgiving we spent an hour with my family, and six hours with his. On Christmas I didn't even SEE my family. We spent all of Christmas day with his family. But that is somehow not enough for her I guess. She said we go to my parent's house all the time, but never come and see her. That isn't true. I was at my parent's house on Easter for a few hours, and that's the last time I was there. His family didn't even have anything for Easter. Neither me nor Adam knows what to make of this one...

 

I am feeling terrible Deja Voux (sp?). It also upsets me that she grilled Adam on the phone about this for an hour instead of coming directly to me. It was kinda rotten of her to put him in the middle.

 

I really need imput on this. Thanks in advance to anyone who replies.

[DragonGirl724]

well i know how in laws can be. my mom went through TORTURE from my fathers family for NO REASON AT ALL. some people are just scum. and he now doesnt associate with any of them THANK GOD! anyway, your situations seem to be upsetting her more than you think it should. there is nothing here that cant be fixed with a heart to heart one on one face to face talk. pour your heart out to her, show no anger, & express your heartfelt appologies for ever upsetting her. and make it clear that you are sincerely thankful she allowed the wedding to be in her backyard & that you could have sworn you showed your gratefullness. but appolgize if she didnt feel that you did. and tell her that you love her & she is family & you wouldnt do anything intentionally to hurt her & if you did you are deeply sorry & would love to work everything out.

 

hopefully she will be accepting of this appology & isnt a cold rotten *****. and if i were you explain the sizing issue with the ring...GET IT FIXED, GET HER THE ARTWORK YOU PROMISED (ALL ASAP!) & wear the ring (whether you like diamonds or not) whenever you are around her & other family members. im not a diamond fan myself. i usually just wear leather bands & silver. lol but to avoid any future battles & misunderstandings; it wont kill you to be gaudy for a day or 2. lol

 

goodluck. i think this can all blow over & things can be all peachy keen again.

 

-DG724

[annie24]

With mother's day coming up, why don't you give her your framed artwork, and then write her a really nice card, thanking her for all the wonderful things she's done for you - (wedding in back yard, ring, etc etc etc). (That way - she has it in writing!) And, like DG said - wear that jewlery around her. (I myself, am a HUGE diamond fan - no problems getting me to wear them! )

 

Oh yeah - and on mother's day, you and your hubby should take her out to brunch and get her flowers - the whole 9 yards. Hopefully this will appease her for a while.

 

Just try to smooth things over with her. It may make your life easier in the long run. Take care!

[OceanEyes]

It may make your life easier in the long run. Take care!

 

I totally agree with this. It will make your life easier. She sounds pretty unreasonable and very stubborn. It's not like you have to see her every day, so taking her out for mother's day and giving her some artwork will probably get her off your back for a little while.

 

I don't see eye-to-eye with my boyfriend's mother either. I just try to smile and get through dinners and visits without telling her what a cheap, rude, condescending old hag I think she is.

[DN]

I agree with Annie and Oceaneyes. To an extent.

 

The relationship with in-laws is often fraught with difficulties. It's like a minefield and one wrong step can set off not just the one you stepped on but a bunch of others.

 

Realise this: many mothers feel bereft when their sons marry - as if they have lost him to another woman, and in a lot of ways they are right. They have a hard time accepting the reality that his wife is now more important to him than his mother.

 

All these issues that she is raising are really about that - they are not the cause of her anger, but a symptom of her sense of loss. So you should be sensitive to that - you may go through similar feelings yourself one day.

 

Be as conciliatory as you can, apologise for what you know you did wrong and even for what is arguable. Wear the ring when you go to visit - it's no big deal, you don't have to wear it all the time.

 

But do not go overboard either. You have a right to see your family on holidays or at other times and she has to respect that. So be firm: calm, friendly and non-aggressive, but firm.

 

The best advice is to make her your friend - let her see that you love her son, that you are the best thing that ever happened to him. Ask her to go shopping with you, especially to buy a present for him. If you don' like a sweater she chooses, thank her and buy it, and then get him something additional.

 

How you handle this now is also important for when you have children and how to deal with her then. If you set boundaries that she respects, in a way that causes no conflict, it will make all your lives immeasurably easier.

[Cynder]

Thank you so much for all the advise everyone. I like the idea of taking her shopping for a present for Adam. Mother's Day will be an issue. I want to do something for my Mother in Law, but I also want to do something for my Mom. Maybe Adam and I can take them both out on Mother's Day. I'll see what he thinks.

 

As far as the ring goes. I wasn't really clear about that in my first post. I don't have a problem wearing it around her, but she's mad because I don't wear it ALL the time. My sister in Law wears her's all the time, but that's easy for her, because her ring fits and she's a librarian. I mentioned that mine is too big, and I wouldn't want to wear it to my job because I work in a factory where heavy jewels would definitely get in my way while I'm working.

 

I know she is feeling loss. I guess all this comes as a shock to me because her and I have always gotten along so good. I had no idea any of this was coming...

[annie24]

yeah - it's silly of her for being upset about you not wearing the ring in a factory. Have you ever thought of putting the ring on your necklace at work? it's just a thought. Either way, it's pretty silly of her to expect you to wear such a fancy piece ALL the time if you work with your hands in a factory...

[DN]

Yes it is silly, but as I said, this is a symptom of a deeper issue. Don't get distracted by it.

 

There is an old saying: "when your son marries, you lose him to

his wife; when your daughter marries, you gain a son"

 

There is a grain of truth in that and that is what she is scared off. Make sure she knows she has not lost her son but gained a friend.

[Turboz]

Something tells me that there is more to this than what you know about.

 

I get the distinct impression that there is underlying problems with the family with other issues which somehow you have unfortunately become mixed up in.

 

While I do agree with some of the other posts above I think that you also need to have a proper in depth conversation with ginger. Taking her out for lunch with flowers on mothers day is only really a short term fix and basically brushing other issues under the carpet.

 

They have issues about something - You have to deal with it. I don't think it will be easy if I'm totally honest but once you've got it dealt with and out of the way you can forget about it for good.

 

Perhaps you should actually explain the full reason why she never got your art work (IE adam said...). Take the ring to a local jewellers and have it's size modified (Not many people realise this can be done). It might cost a little but it will be worth it just to keep ginger quiet.

 

good luck

 

-Turboz

[DragonGirl724]

what you people are missing here is that she has had no quams with her in the past. its just NOW that all these things are surfacing. so talk to her about it! dont beat around the bush & hope for the best & shower her with gifts...TALK TO HER ABOUT THE ISSUES FACE TO FACE!

 

-DG724