Should the love for a child be unconditional?

[Batya33]

It works the other way as well. Is there unconditional love for the parent? Parents do crappy things too! They abandon and some are serial killers and are in prison for crimes.

 

My mom was a social worker and she saw that even though the kids didn’t get the good end of the stick with their parents they still loved them.

 

So there really is that unbreakable bond that goes both ways!

 

I think there can be and I wouldn't presume so, the other way. I do think there also can be guilt in that other direction if there is not unconditional love. I had varying feelings about my father. My sense in hindsight is that throughout I probably did, at bottom, "love" him in the sense that I was inspired to take care of him -and would have if he needed me -but he and my mom were married for over 60 years and were a unit -so taking care of him would also be taking care of my mom- I really never was in the position to have to take care of just him. For about the last 15-20 years of his life I had forgiven him for mistreatment, had more love for him and I think I always respected his heart and his generosity and that he really was very proud of me and wanted me to excel in my career (meaning he was just as or more focused on me doing that than in becoming a wife/mother which was the typical hope for me of other family members!). Unconditional? No. But he had a rather serious mental illness most of his life and as a child/teenager it was hard for me (for all children?) to explain away the behavior as part of the illness, not part of him or "us" or to "forgive". Especially since there was such a stigma back then -didn't help.

[dragonfly87]

It works the other way as well. Is there unconditional love for the parent? Parents do crappy things too! They abandon and some are serial killers and are in prison for crimes.

 

My mom was a social worker and she saw that even though the kids didn’t get the good end of the stick with their parents they still loved them.

 

So there really is that unbreakable bond that goes both ways!

For me, I would be more flexible with my mother than my father. I'm assuming part of the reason for this difference is because my father was the one that used to hit (it was called spanking but I call it hitting) me with a belt as ''discipline'' during my very early years while my mother never did and sometimes there is that ungoing resentment. I'll never consider him as the best father ever and put him on a pedestal. What I have is respect for him just for being my father after all but I love my mother more than him.

 

To be honest, if hypothetically speaking my mother were to stab him I'll still be speaking with her. I would still feel bad about what happened but understand her. However, if vice-versa I'll never speak to him ever again. I'm more conditional with him than my mother.

 

Likewise, I've always felt my father's love for me was really conditional meanwhile my mother heads towards the unconditional side. For example, if I were to steal all his money and empty his bank account, he would already cut ties with me while my mother would still be speaking to me. I will treat my father the same way too if he ever ruined to my bank accounts. If my mother did that, I would be upset but still speak to her.

[dragonfly87]

It's difficult to explain but I will try.

 

Yes, it's an unconditional love.

If your child does wrong or turns out bad, you as a mother blame yourself. You feel that you did wrong in your child not being the person you hoped they should be. Either that, or you feel a deep pain for your child turning into someone you don't recognize and can't figure out what on earth happened or how your child was affected by something or someone so badly that they turned into someone terrible. You would also feel at fault and feel terrible that you couldn't save them from that demise.

 

But even then, your heart will feel pain for them and you will hurt badly. You, as a mother ALWAYS want the best for your child.

No mother would ever want their child to turn out badly or to affect other people badly, which in turn, will only cause more hate and hurt towards your child and will make you feel even more pain and hurt for them and for the terrible situations that arose from it all.

 

With all of it, your love as a mother does not stop. You will always look at this person as your child, a part of you, your flesh and blood..as much as a part of you as your own beating heart.

Their downfalls are your downfalls. Their pain is your pain.

 

It does not stop...ever.

 

The love of a mother is like no other and nothing can ever break it or change it.

That sounds like a great explanation. Perhaps my stance will vary once I have a child. I'll keep you all posted if the day I ever give birth comes true.