Reconciliation in process...Taking it slow...too slow?

[Universe]

For those of you who don't remember me, I was the guy who was with a girl for 5 years but got clingy and lost my identity to symbiosis and she consequently fell out of love with me. We broke up in mid- September and she was sleeping with someone new a couple weeks later. I spent the next 6 months whining here on LS and hanging out with my ex about once every week or two. I was trying to create pleasant moments between us, build rapport, and show her that I'm not really the person she fell out of love with but the real person I truly am underneath my clingy codependent funk. It worked. But she was too confused and depressed to get back together. She dated the other guy for about 5 months. He was delusional and thought he was in love with her and had marriage on the brain. The whole time they dated, he was extremely insecure about her relationship with me. According to her friends, he was obsessed with her and pursued her heavily before we broke up. He was super jealous of me from the get go. Then he held it over her. He knew she would dump him to get back together with me. So he gave her a complex about it. It made it difficult for her to be friends with me because (as she admitted at the time) was still in love with me. I made my feelings for her clear through my actions. But I was so obsessed with winning her back and employing the advice of everyone in such a sterile way that I somehow only vaguely revealed my intentions to her. So I was operating under the assumption that she knew I wanted to get back together. But I was a little too vague. When I finally made that clear to her (late january), she really freaked out. She felt horrible for what she had done to me. She felt horrible for what she was doing to the new guy. She was already super depressed and had been for over a year and a half. I didn't pressure her. I gave her all the space and time in the world to figure things out. A month and half went by (March 12) before she finally made it clear that it was over between her and the other guy, but that she wanted to be "not in a relationship" for a while. By then I was so confused and upset that she was still rejecting me that I knew I needed to not get back with her yet. It was clear that I had some issues to sort out. So we agreed to be just friends. So with all the pressure of getting back together out of the way, we were both significantly more comfortable with each other. This was crucial because I was able to observe her emotions and needs more effectively. I learned more about how to interact with her in a way that relieved her depression and allowed her to enjoy my presense like never before. I learned that in general, a woman doesn't necessarily want you to solve her problems, but she wants you to empathize. I shouldn't indulge her dwelling on negative issues, but distract her from them by being positive, fun, and upbeat.

 

As I've been on my own, I've gradually found parts of myself that were in reclusion during my symbiotic connection with my ex. As it turns out, these parts of myself are precisely the things that make me an attractive lover.

 

Spending time with her helped me to see myself in a way that was very constructive. But it also caused me to fall even more in love with her than ever. We started hooking up (no intercourse) on April 7th. We agreed to keep it a secret and not put any kind of label on it. We've talked about it a lot and are gradually moving closer together. Within a couple weeks we had already started to fall into some of our old patterns that had negative effects. Most importantly I realized that I was already getting clingy and that I always had been to an extent. I thought about a lot of the people here on LS and I think most of us on here that are trying to get a lover back suffer from clinginess. It's like this compulsive tug that seems irresistible. But it irrational and doesn't really do the other person any good. In fact it usually causes them discomfort.

So after I realized that about myself, I felt much better about everything and our time together has been a lot nicer than before.

 

We're trying to take things slow and smart. We're talking a lot about things and being as open as possible about our feelings and concerns. We're openly affectionate with each other and the affection is well received on both sides. We've "fooled around" but she's been resistant to straight up sex. She's gone down on me a few times, but won't let me go down on her. She's been to the gynecologist and they said she's clear of any STDs she may have possibly contracted from the other guy. But she says she still feels too concerned for my health and well-being to have sex with me. I know – it sounds weird. It's kinda making me feel messed up. We had a long talk about it and it's clear that it's not just the STD thing, but personal issues. She says that the way her relationship with the other guy made her feel is still affecting her and making her feel weird about everything. I think she's viewing our having full on sex as changing the dynamic we have right now. She wants to be careful about how fast we're getting ourselves back into this. We both got really messed up from being together before and it's obviously very scary for her to dive back in. I think she's right to be scared and I agree with it. I'm scared too. I guess I just feel a little more certain that things are going to work out much better than before.

 

It's clear that she's totally done with the other guy. That's not a concern. I think my problem is that I'm feeling rejected by the fact that she doesn't want to have sex. I know I turn her on. I know she thinks I'm sexy. But I'm feeling rejected because her desire to have sex with me is not overcoming her rationality. I feel that we should go slow and be careful. But I think that our desire for each other should be so strong that it's really difficult to hold back. For me, this is the case. I can hold back, but it's no easy chore. And my passion bursts out at times. Her passion is not bursting out, though she is very loving and affectionate.

 

She says she feels very lucky and grateful that I still want to be with her. She said she really likes spending time with me now and she really likes the dynamic we have now. She really likes kissing and messing around the way we have been. She says it feels really great and that she wants things to continue.

 

So I think she's right and I agree with her on just about everything. I'm just worried that the fact that she's stalling on the sex is an indication of her not really desiring me. I wonder if I'm being used. In the classic gender stereotype, she gets her emotional needs met and has a fun sexy guy to run around with, but I don't get my physical sexual needs met. I don't want to be her dick in a glass jar. But I also don't want to be clingy. We've only been "hooking up" for about 3 weeks now. It feels like it's been longer. But I can see how maybe we should wait longer to let things get to that level.

But I also feel like we're mature enough to deal with having a sexual relationship while still taking it slow. I guess I just feel like if she really wanted me the way I want her, she wouldn't be able to resist sex at this point.

[OmegaMan]

I'll be honest, I didn't read the whole thing.

 

Why were you clingy in the first place? Answer this and you'll understand so much essential information.

 

Omega M.

[Hope75]

It sounds as though she is afraid you are going to be clingy and demanding like you were before, and wants to take things slow and see how it goes, and perhaps thinks if you sink back into a "complete" reconciliation that nothing will have changed.

 

5 years together is a long time, I'm sure there are alot of feelings between you two, but I think you are both wise to take it slow and enjoy the time you have, and see where it goes.

 

I am in a similar situation, having lived with my guy for 2 years, broke up in Nov, and then began dating again VERY slowly with no title for several months, and then back to being bf gf last month, and now we are talking about the possibility of me moving back home, but slowly. It's been almost 6 months.

 

These things take time, I advise you to please be patient and not blow your opportunity with her by pushing things too fast.

 

People told me, and I will tell you, go back to the very beginning of your posts and see where you were then, and look how far you are now, you are making progress, don't ignore that.

 

Be patient!