She's back apparently and I'm not really sure how to react !

[katrina1980]

Ok, so she essentially forced your hand and you felt you had no choice but to break up, fair enough.

 

Per your last post, you said your door would always be open, but you needed to be alone for awhile. Also fair enough.

 

Sounds like she respected your need to be alone, and after six months, and since this wedding is coming up, she felt enough time had passed for her to reach out.

 

Remember, YOU were the one who said (to her friend who no doubt told her) the door would always be open.

 

So she opened the door, but now you're angry at her for doing something you yourself said would be okay?

 

LG, I don't mean for this to sound condescending and apologize if it does, but your emotional response to this seems a bit over the top.

 

Not judging, I am VERY emotional too, but I am self-aware enough to realize that my reactions are often not rational because of this, and take responsibility for that.

 

Again, you were the one who said the door would always be open, so if you're gonna be angry at anyone, be angry at *yourself* for not being honest with yourself about that.

 

Because your reaction now (anger) to her reaching out clearly indicates the door definitely was *not* open.

 

Or perhaps you're angry she waited six months, even though you told her friend you needed to be alone for awhile?

 

Try seeing things from "her" perspective, it really appears she was respecting your need to be alone to process the breakup, and after six months felt it was a good time to "open that door" especially with the wedding coming up.

[Last Gentleman]

I'm not saying she's a bad person or whatever, what made me angry is just how she would talk and talk about her, read my messages, not reply for a while and then again many messages, not being clear why it was she was talking again, even with me asking her.

Because when I broke up I said I don't want to be your friend, I like you too much and since she said she didn't know what she wanted and wasn't ready, it didn't really close the relationship as she kind of forced me doing the breakup.

So I expected she realized this and made her intentions clear, because I was the one having to recover and I don't want to relive this. But eventually I just realized I had to move on and kept meeting interested women, so I changed my mind, not going to feel sorry either.

 

So yes she might have respected me and left me alone, still with all this complicated story, she should have been clear now why she wanted to talk, that's my thinking.

[katrina1980]

Why don't you be direct and ask her why she contacted you?

 

Sounds like she's "feeling you out" - she doesn't know how you feel after all this time, and doesn't want to risk being shot down.

 

So she opened the door, initiated some light casual chat, allowing it to play put, naturally.

 

I think you should try and relax and have fun with it, see where it leads!

 

Really sounds like you had a lot of expectations about how this would all go down, and are HURT those expectations aren't being met, which hurt has translated to anger.

 

Again, try and have fun with it! Let it play out. She has opened the door, if you still love her, let her in, slowly, gradually. Be open but cautious.

 

This could work out! Assuming you want it to.

 

But first you need to calm down, get over yourself (sorry) and lower those expectations!

[Last Gentleman]

I moved on I don't expect anything from her anymore that's also why it's annoying, actually I asked her why and she didn't reply she kept talking about other stuff... Then I said I wasn't going to talk as if nothing happened, reply to my question !

 

Maybe I'm crazy but would I be in her shoes texting an ex, I'd first say hi and ask if it's fine we discuss, not just pour my new life and not answer questions.

[katrina1980]

Well she's not you, we all have our *own* styles and ways of doing things, including reaching out to an ex.

 

In any event, okay you asked, she didn't answer, you have moved on and have no expectations. Fabulous!

 

You have two choices.

 

You can either limit or cease your contact with her and be gracious when you see her at wedding.

 

Or continue communicating with her under the guise of being "civil" and remaining angry.

 

Your call, good luck.

[Last Gentleman]

Okay everything's fine now, she finally decided to answer my questions, I told her I was seeing someone and the page is turned on my side, she replied that she was happy for me.

 

Wether she's genuine or not, I don't care now it's all clear and I have no problem seeing and talking to her, I know nothing else will happen that's all I needed.

[JCSK]

Gosh what a crazy thread! LG I've read loads of your responses and they are very insightful. I suspect that if you were giving advice to another in this situation you would say that their true feelings are pretty transparent. I think you are angry because you still have feelings for her and the content of her messages did not contain what you wanted to hear. I would totally feel the same btw! I think this is where your anger is stemming from really. Are you absolutely sure that everything is suddenly 'fine'? What were the answers to your questions? Also, just because she said that she was happy for you, doesn't necessarily mean that she means it. What else does one say in her situation? Be honest with yourself, If you really want to know if she has any feelings for you (the statement, 'nothing else will happen' suggests you do) then throwing out the, 'I'm seeing someone' line is not the best way to test the waters. That just closes everything down. Maybe just a subtle, 'I still think about you often' statement might pave the way to her telling you how she feels now. If she closes that down, then you really have your answer. I don't think you ever got any real closure six months ago and that is what has sent you into this tail spin. Try and seek it now, one way or the other and then you will really be able to move your whole self forward. Good luck.

[Last Gentleman]

Gosh what a crazy thread! LG I've read loads of your responses and they are very insightful. I suspect that if you were giving advice to another in this situation you would say that their true feelings are pretty transparent. I think you are angry because you still have feelings for her and the content of her messages did not contain what you wanted to hear. I would totally feel the same btw! I think this is where your anger is stemming from really. Are you absolutely sure that everything is suddenly 'fine'? What were the answers to your questions? Also, just because she said that she was happy for you, doesn't necessarily mean that she means it. What else does one say in her situation? Be honest with yourself, If you really want to know if she has any feelings for you (the statement, 'nothing else will happen' suggests you do) then throwing out the, 'I'm seeing someone' line is not the best way to test the waters. That just closes everything down. Maybe just a subtle, 'I still think about you often' statement might pave the way to her telling you how she feels now. If she closes that down, then you really have your answer. I don't think you ever got any real closure six months ago and that is what has sent you into this tail spin. Try and seek it now, one way or the other and then you will really be able to move your whole self forward. Good luck.

 

It really is all fine, I'm someone who did lots of introspection for years so I know myself well and can easily understand why I feel how I feel, you'd say hopefully as I'm now 36 but that's where I stand.

 

You are right in saying I didn't have any closure 6 months ago and had the hope she'd realize her mistake, but you know what maybe I'm extreme, but when a woman I loved disappoints me in not doing

what she said she would, or put blame on me and doesn't take her responsibilities, I start feeling let down and disappointed, I tell them and usually the response is attack or the crying coercion, I'm done !

These are my core values, always do what you say and take responsibilities or stop **tching about stuff, all this with respect towards the other as you'd want yourself to be treated.

 

So yes until I'd say end of march I hoped she would come back, then I made a fantastic backpack trip to South Africa and had so much fun, met amazing persons, did the best photographs of animals ever.

You know how when you're like this traveling you retrospect on your relationships, even though I didn't really think so much about her or really miss her and at some point it hit me, that what she said and

what she was doing since the breakup didn't align. Also this rethoric of I don't know what I want, is incompatible with me because my life is pretty well established and I'm more at the point of wanting

to marry etc and move forward, so a partner that's still figuring out her life, never stable and stressed by it all, isn't going to be making me really happy and hold me back, only the affection I had for her

made me want to think it was fine, but we didn't have the same sex drive either and she hated affection displays, while I'm very affectionate and tactile.

 

And for more context, in the 6 last years I had 3 major relationships, I only ended 1 shorter one before her, because I just wasn't in love as she was and I wouldn't string her along. All my other very serious GFs,

were the dumpers and you know what happened then systematically !? Either they tried to seduce me because they wanted me back after their new BF dumped them, or they told all our common friends how they

missed me and should've never ended the relationship... as a man, being in this position of always having to court women and prove you're a good one that they can trust, having these women reject you sometimes

for crappy reasons, only to want you back months after the breakup, is absolutely frustrating and disrespectful I'm not buying into this crap it just angers me, I have no problem with an ex not wanting to be friends

and never ever contacting me, again it's about taking your responsibilities !

 

Then after my travel I started to meet women who liked me, slowly accepted some dates all the while with my trip and everything in my life, I realized I was fine being single, my life makes me happy as it is and so if

I meet a great woman that really aligns with my values and has her life together, why not trying but otherwise, I'm fine like this I really enjoy all my sports and activities and my friends.

 

So really if she would have made contact, being clear it wasn't about getting back together but that she want's really to be friends, I would have been delighted and gladly accepted. What she did looked a lot like what

my exes trying to come back did and as I explained I'm having none of this crap anymore, so that's the source of anger not because I was still having feelings for her really.

Though now I admit, even not wanting anything from her, this closing note is nice and really gives closure, didn't really need it but it's still nice to finally have that.

 

I really understand the phrase, "he/she is an ex for a reason" moving forward in life is crucial, I've never seen really an instance where going back did good !

[JCSK]

That certainly provides more context LG. Totally get it now, especially with the ex thing. I don't mean to sound condescending, as I am the same and like to think I'm fully self aware but sometimes it's also good to get another person's perspective, especially as any extreme emotions can cloud the most conscientious of minds at times. I'm glad you're feeling good now. I was 37 when I finally found the right person. You are right, you need a stable partner with similar aspirations and the right chemical balance. My partner and I have a very compatible sex drive and neither of us are afraid of PDAs!

I 100% agree with your closing statement! Like another poster said in a different thread, very few long tern relationships survive when they've had mini-break ups along the way.

[Last Gentleman]

Sure sometimes I do overthink and get lost, but having had enough crazy or unreliable GFs, I really needed time off and introspection that's how I am so usually I have a

good grasp on my reactions.

It really was that when I had to breakup not because of my own choice, I really hoped she would send me such message after 2-3 months to get back together, then I

realized that it wouldn't work and turned the page, so kind of getting this message you wanted months before but after you moved on, is really annoying and to be very

honest a lot of friends from me and her, told me "you'll see she'll be back when you'll be moving on" another said be extremely clear or she'll be back when wishing you

merry Christmas, that's all I want to avoid.

 

Also I am seeing a lovely 39yo woman since 4 weeks, so I didn't throw this to her to shut her down this is reality, since middle April I "said no" to 2 women who were

really into me, I just didn't feel we clicked enough and as I said I'm fine single.

 

My biggest issue nowadays, being 36 but easily looking 10 years younger if I shave and pretty in shape, is really seeing women younger than me usually don't have their

lives together and are to me a waste of time. But with how I look I don't see myself with older women, that's really difficult feeling so attracted to mid 20s women, but

seeing that none of them are compatible with me and all the drama usually, don't know how other men feel about this, maybe subject for another topic !?

[Last Gentleman]

Not trying to resurrect the thread, last Sunday I was planning dinner with a nice woman, she invited me to eat in the town where my ex lives and as explained

since we are bound to meet again with our friend's wedding, I shot her a message to get coffee while I was around.

 

It was really nice, we discussed what had happened in each other's lives during these months of silence, I can now see she clearly has no place in her life for a

man and that I really did idealize her, well I was in love I guess that's a bit expected. She is slowly understanding that she has to be more assertive, looking for

work and eventually moving, but basically her life hasn't changed one bit.

 

So for once I'm really happy that I can stay in touch and be friends, she is a great person anyway, I didn't need this for more closure but I can really see that

I know where I am going in life, just need to continue going further !

[JCSK]

That's great LG. Glad it's all coming together for you! Just a side note and out of interest...did the new woman know you were meeting up with an ex for coffee whist you were in town for your date? How did you pull that one off?! Very tenacious of you! :)

Seriously though - glad to know you're in a good space now.

[Last Gentleman]

That's great LG. Glad it's all coming together for you! Just a side note and out of interest...did the new woman know you were meeting up with an ex for coffee whist you were in town for your date? How did you pull that one off?! Very tenacious of you! :)

Seriously though - glad to know you're in a good space now.

 

Well the woman I was seeing seriously back when I wrote this thread, unfortunately didn't like that I had a busy schedule not seeing her for a week and got so insecure

even with me being crystal clear about it, that I broke it off. I'm not dating emotionally dependent people anymore, I learned my lesson.

 

So I am seeing other people right now and this one I am still in the beginning to know her, so honestly I said that I was having coffee with a friend after our dinner, but

as it's nothing serious for now it's not really worth talking exes, on any side I think it can make some people go crazy sometimes as they don't know you well, I didn't

want to go in a long explanation about it.

Anyway we now are friends and I have no more interest in her (my ex).

 

If I had been still dating the previous one, that I saw for 2 months, I would have told her obviously but otherwise I kind of think this isn't anyone's business.

[JCSK]

Makes total sense. I hope both the date and the coffee with the ex go well for you. And yes, stay away from emotionally dependent women..!