Please help, I’m so confused

[lgirl]

This is the first time I've ever posted a problem and I would be grateful for any advice anyone can give me. Will try and keep it brief (please bear with me). I am in a ldr of 18 months – I'm in the UK, my guy's in NY. I last saw him mid-march when I went over to visit him for my birthday (which incidentally he spent ages planning as he was determined to make it my 'best bd ever'. it was, even though we had a couple of rows while I was there. We always seem to have a couple of rows when we meet up, but have always put this down to the inherent tension in a ldr.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after I got back, I started to notice that he wasn't texting me much. I deeply regret it now, but I sent him a bit of a snippy text when I hadn't heard from him all day on the Thursday. I was so caught up with my own point of view, feeling neglected by my bf. He sent a snappy txt bk, then I didn't hear from him. Asked if he wasn't replying to me now, and he txtd to say he was 'in a situation' he cldn't explain, but would 'soon', that he wldn't be calling me that night and for me not to call or text him as 'it would only complicate things'. He also turned all his phones off, so I went out of my mind with worry, imagining the worst, that he must be in some kind of trouble (he's not in work right now and has maxed his credit cards out, which I know was stressing him). I left it for a day, out of respect for his wishes, but then started trying to reach him. He'd never done that before, never even kept me waiting 5mins for a call in the whole 18 months we've been together.

 

Finally got hold of him Sat pm and he told me he'd been staying with friends (I'd never heard of). when I got thru he just blasted me with a torrent of rage about the rows we'd had, quoting stuff from 6 months ago that I thought we'd resolved. He was so angry, I ended up in tears from the shock. He didn't sound like himself at all. Shld point out that these rows are never about anything much, silly stuff. A good friend of mine told me she went thru the same thing with her guy in their 2nd year, rows over nothing etc, so I thought it was pretty normal even though I don't like rows.

 

Anyway, I digress. It was not a good call – he said we had glossed over stuff in our relationship – ie the practicalities of me moving over there to be with him (which we both want) – that we needed to talk stuff through or we were heading for trouble. but he said he'd call the next night Sun at 9pm. So 9pm came and went, I spent the whole day (10hrs by the time we did speak) waiting to hear from him. Finally got him to call me back and he said he was thinking to finish it with me. How could he have gone from saying we had to talk things thru to it's over in such a short space of time. Had told his mother and sis it was over and talked it thru with his friends before coming to me – last person to know! Really freaked me out by talking about me in the past tense – eg apologised for his disappearing act and said 'you shouldn't have had to go thru that after everything you meant to me' (!) said he loved me but we had problems, and the sharp tone I've taken when we've rowed made him think he wasn't the right guy for me +, he couldn't see how he could sustain a relationship while he's so in a mess financially. Said he wanted to make sure he was properly sorted out before he ever offered up his heart again. I said what do you mean, I thought I had your heart? And he said I did. (what does he mean?)

 

I asked him didn't I deserve a second chance and tried to correct the assumptions he'd made – one of which was that he thought he'd be financially supporting my move to NY – that we are on the same page about stuff etc. he said I should have told him earlier and I said but these were all the things I've been asking you to discuss whenever I mention we must talk about our timeline, get our plans up and running. We also managed to have a bit of a normal conv at one point before he brought it down to us taking 'a break' instead of completely breaking up. Asked him did that mean we wldn't be talking from that Monday onwards and he said he'd call me the following wkend.

 

I spent the whole wk in total misery, lost my appetite (and weight), couldn't sleep, kept crying, just totally shell-shocked and full of doubts. I'd always felt so secure and sure of his feelings for me and now he was behaving so distant and cold.

 

The following wkend, he txtd me to say he'd call on the Sun instead at 9pm and this time called v punctually (like he always used to) and we spoke about his work situation before getting on to us. I told him about all the insights I'd had about where I think I went wrong, we both went wrong – basically, allowing outside issues (work/money etc) to get us down and affect us adversely – and he agreed with me. Told me that he didn't want to lose me (unprompted, he volunteered it) and when I asked him if we were ok, he said 'we will be'. Said he'd call the next wkend. Caved in mid-wk and sent him a missing you, emotional txt. No reply, but got email 'I got yr messg', all about his work frustrations, no endearments or hope you're ok.

 

He didn't call at the wkend and having read a lot of the posts on this site, I decided not to contact him. Didn't hear anything by Mon, so by Tuesday I'm thinking this is it, it's over. I can't let him treat me so coldly when I'm supposed to be the love of his life. Was really torn because at the same time I've been trying to see it from his point of view, walk in his shoes and understand. So torn between being angry with him, missing him profoundly and feeling like my life's become some awful waking groundhog day bad dream. I think he must have got a massive shock, all his bills becoming due and not being able to pay them; his back is against the wall.

 

But then his inability to secure a job (even tho' he is very talented, lots of skills but no career or job history to show for it; he's 32) has put a lot of pressure on us and our last row ended with me saying I didn't care what work he got as long as he just got a job. Said this quite strongly because am getting fed up feeling like I'm waiting, just waiting for him to get situated so we can get on with our life together. When I first met him, he was worried about the time element of getting himself sorted out with an apartment/job (he lives at home with his mother), but in reassured him I didn't expect him to turn things around in just 6 months – a year would be reasonable enough time though. Well, we're at the 18 months mark and no further forward. I regret snapping, but up until then I've bent over backwards trying to be supportive, sending him job vacs I've seen that might be useful to him (in a non-pressured way). I have been working all this time and not without pressures of my own which have got me down.

Anyway, he called tues pm just as I'd resigned myself to the fact I'd have to. Said he was just calling briefly to put me in the picture (work stuff again), that he'd email me + call me this Sat at 9pm. This is all off his own back, no prompting from me.

 

How do we move on from here? It's killing me having to just let time pass. Surely he'll realise he's made a mistake (has said in the past that he wants to make me his life and wife, so how can he give me up so easily?) how can we talk things thru productively and for the best? I so want us to resolve things because apart from the few rows we've had, we have a great relationship. I have been feeling very bruised and confused by his behaviour. Why did he shut me out and go to his friends first? Surely he should have come to me to talk about it? I feel slightly betrayed by this and I'm worried that it will leak out in to our conv when he calls. Trying not to let my pride get in the way, but I feel that although we may have had 'probems' as he says (that cld be resolved), the way he's gone about things and treated me has done some damage to my feelings for me. So as well as addressing these (his) issues, how do I deal with these feelings/get him to acknowledge them, put it right without potentially sparking off another row?

 

Also, in the meantime, I've been checking his cell activity (I know, I know!) and since I got back to the UK he's been calling this friend of his – she's the on-off girl of his friend and he's known her for a while. In the beginning of our relationship when I expressed a bit of envy he said if I could only see her I'd know that he cld never be interested in her. Sometimes he calls her number 3 times a day although the calls look short or as though he's getting her voicemail – am not familiar with US call rates, soam assuming if it's a $0.25 cents call, they didn't speak…? Have been imagining the worst here and think he stayed with her – that she was the 'friends' he went to when he locked off from me. He told me in our 2nd post-bust-up conversation that she'd given him a weekly travel card – WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT? I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt – she's mentioned helping him with work before, so it could just be that, as the calls don't seem all that long. Also thinking about who he is and what he's told me, I trust him, but it really rankles with me and I don't like it. Why was he calling her the day after I got back? Maybe to tell her all about my trip – but why? One call he made was at 1.18am which has totally freaked me out but it only lasted $0.15, so does that mean he didn't get thru? Am worried that far from being relaxed and just letting him talk tomorrow if/when he calls, this will colour my attitude. How do I raise the issue without giving away the fact that I've been effectively snooping on him? My mind is in turmoil because it doesn't sound so good when you read it in black and white.

 

I feel he's taken everything I thought I knew about him and turned it upside down. How can he maintain such limited contact with me when before by his own admission he was obsessed with me, devoted to me etc? is he punishing me? Or just so caught up with his predicament that he's got tunnel vision and can't think of anything else (is that a guy thing?). I know him to be an intelligent, deep-thinking and astute guy, so surely he must realise what he's doing. How do we get our loving back after all this? I have such a mixture of emotions clouding my head. I just can't believe he hasn't tried to resolve things/change his mind about it all yet. Can a person make a choice based on purely practical reasons? If he thinks he can't afford a relationship, how can he be prepared to risk losing this one. And that's another thing. He said he didn't want to lose me, but I don't feel he's trying to keep me either.

 

Please, please tell me what I should do and how. I just want this bad dream to end.

 

PS Thanks for reading this thru to the end – sorry it's so long.

[koeka]

Dear lgirl

 

I will try to keep it brief also. Sounds like a mess.

 

"So as well as addressing these (his) issues, how do I deal with these feelings/get him to acknowledge them, put it right without potentially sparking off another row? "

 

About this Quote I think it is a very good Question. At the beginning of the story it sounded to me that he was also Confused. Now I think it's obvious that he is hiding something which you are also doing now. The first best thing to do would be to get hold of your Feelings so you won't "spark off just another row". Try to stick to the core of the problem which is that you feel treated unjust.(Because he is talking behind your back).And he forgot what your relationship was about! But I would make sure that he listens if you tell him that you monitored his calls, AND that he should stop torturing you and tell you the truth. He must tell you what he somehow is keeping secret because it destroys.

It is important to talk to him about what is real.

Ask him if you can.

and be strong.

[codaaurora]

Wow

 

Well, first off, I have to say that you seem like an intelligent, thoughtful and insightful girl. So my first question would be, why do you want to stay with someone who can't even get their own life together at 32, let alone starting a life with you?

 

I know that you love and care for him, but what about loving yourself? Sometimes tough love is the only way to go. You know, you both will continue to have these problems, throughout your relationship, until he gets some self-confidence/self-worth. I don't think he's concerned with working on that right now. I mean, he's had the support of a loving woman for 18 months and he STILL couldn't get a job? Any job? Just a little crappy part time job? I mean, what is he waiting for? It didn't even have to be in his field. He's maxed out his credit cards and has no job for almost 2 years. What kind of a life is that? That bespeaks someone with some serious problems.

 

You need to recognize that while you love him and want to be with him, you deserve to have a somewhat stable future and he can't even come close to offering you that right now. Plus, he is putting you through this indecisive crude. "I want to be with you but I don't". You need to take charge of your life. You need to say to yourself, I love him but he is not good for me right now and I can't help him anymore than I have.

 

Trust me, if you guys stayed to together and he continues on the path that he has chosen for the present, the resentment will start to show more and more in your voice (as I'm sure it has in the past, and really that's to be expected with his behaviour, but is not good for a healthy relationship).

 

What this comes down to is that you guys are not right for each other right now. That doesn't mean that it can't change in the future, but for right now you need to let him go.

 

I am so sorry that this is happening. I am so very sorry.