Cross-roads (very long)

[Jetta]

Well my life is really topsy turvy and if you read this and still think I'm sane well I'm really doubting it these days.

 

My son was voluntarily placed in foster care back in February. He's improving a lot, which means I'm not raising a criminal which was a serious concern. However now they're thinking he have a form of autism. Strange considering he's a very outgoing child. The reason is he's ultra sensative to noise, touch, and smell. Okay so now I have to get that aspect of life figured out. First it was ADHD, ODD, possible bi-polar, now this. I really hope we get to the bottem of this soon. It's really taking an emotional toll to say to the least.

 

On top of my son's stuff, I have a husband who has been virtually unemployed the last 2 years. Okay he's working contract jobs the last year or so, but he really doesn't like to work. I'm fed up with him and really really want a divorce. Yet being a single mother to a toddler and special needs 9 year old scares me to death.

 

Also I'm trying to get into a new field because I completely hated my old one and it's not going as smoothly as I was hoping it would. I suppose I should be estactic about my 1 client. I mean I do have 1 now, referred to me by my brother. So there is a glimmer of hope for me career wise (Thank you God).

 

That's not even everything. My dad whose health had be going downhill the last year passed away on the 16th. My therapist assures me I'm going through the normal stages of grief even though most think I'm taking it surprising well. My dad was the man I admired and loved most in this world. I'll really miss him. It was his time to go though, and he passed during a nap. I really don't think he could have left in a better way. No I don't really believe in death because our soul is eternal. He's around, just not in that way anymore.

 

Now with that said back in November I met a guy and have very strong feelings for him. Basically it's the first time I realized someone I didn't really know could touch my heart so deeply. It's mutual, but nothing between us has happened. However I had a one night stand with an acquaintance a month ago and crushed this other guy. My husband doesn't know about that but he knows I'm in love with someone else. I'm so sick of my husband hanging on me and not listening to me tell him I want a divorce. I really didn't realize how that would hurt the other guy, but that is when I knew he really was feeling what I was feeling for him.

 

My real problem is I can't focus on anything because there's just too much to figure out. I know everyone will say forget the other guy, which is why I try not to even consider him in my thought process. But the fact is my heart is with this other guy and I need to have him in my life in some way.

 

The facts are:

 

**I have decided to divorce only I don't know how I'm going to raise two children alone.

 

**I don't know where to focus my engeries career wise. It'd be nice if I had more time to get that business going but I need a source of income like yesterday.

 

**My son can't come home until ... I'm either divorced or determined to stay married. Social Services won't waste money on working on their relationship if we're not staying together, of course.

 

**Where am I going to live with two kids??? Again MONEY is a HUGE concern.

 

Yeah I need a miracle and better decision making skills. Working on following that intuition I've usually dismissed in favor of logic. If you're wondering why social services is involved it's because my husband kicked my son in the back. They've learned my son does have some problems beyond poor parenting.

 

Okay now if someone can just wave a magic wand and make everything all better I'd really appreciate it. Hey I still have to dream, it's pretty much all I've got.

[passions1]

I doubt anybody has a magic wand for you, but hopefully you will receive other helpful insights.

 

It looks like the top things would be money & having a good lifetime partner for starters in order to get your son back from social service. If you don't have your life together in regards to the income & your spouse, then it doesn't matter what you in regards to your dream job since they are intertwine with one another. How you decide to change it is up to you in the final decision process.

 

In terms of your career, have you also considered working on your business & working full-time with another job that can have some flexibility & pumping your husband to have the desire to work? Also there has to be improvement in terms of the communication style with your current husband & joint effort to want to save the marriage & working together as a team to get your son back. Otherwise, then a separation, and a divorce is feasible. Handling one man at a time for you is enough, so work things out with your husband first before doing anything with the other men. If this other man really respects you, he will give you time & space to do what you needs to be done to help improve where you are now.

 

Good luck!

[Jetta]

Passions,

This other man has been giving me space. So much so I thought it was all in my head until that indescretion which was very unlike me.

 

I'll have to pursue a regular job a little harder. As far as dream job, well this field isn't my dream job just something I thought I'd enjoy a bit more. My dream job is along the fantasy lines.

 

Oh and FYI the magic wand comment was a joke.

[smallworld]

You're probably not going to like my advice, but I have some insight into your situation, because I once had a friend who was a single mother of a child with autism. I don't know how serious your son's condition is, but trying to handle autism as a single parent is a full time job in and of itself. The fact that you've voluntarily put this child in foster care while you're still with your husband is a sign of just how difficult it is when you have TWO parents involved, do you honestly think your life will be easier if you try to cope with this by yourself?

 

As much as your husband drives you nuts, I think you need to stay put at this point. He may not be bringing in much income, but he's a built in babysitter and until you can rely on your income alone and have a better handle on your son's problems, to divorce him is to dump one set of problems for a bigger pile. I'm not saying you have to stay with him for the rest of your life, but you have two little lives to consider and bringing more chaos and uncertainty into the picture isn't going to solve things. You could actually end up on the streets if you're not careful. And in my friend's case, having a child with autism actually made it virtually impossible for her to make friends and have lovers, not only because autism is a full time job, but also because most people didn't want to be bothered with the demanding nature of the friendship. She didn't have someone she could regularly rely on, so every person she met, she instantly was asking favors of which tended to make most people feel used.

 

Unless you're lucky enough to receive disability checks from the government for your son's special needs (about $500 a month), you need to get a steady job with good benefits (autism can get quite expensive with all the medicines your son will be taking) or you need to work on expanding your business to the point that it can support your family. (If you'd like good solid free advice about your business from retired successful entrepreneurs, check out your local chapter of link removed )

 

And Yes, your husband should be doing more, but I suspect that the fact that he knows you don't love him anymore isn't exactly inspiring him to be a good provider. So if you really want out of this marriage, the onus is on you to figure out how you're going to support yourself and the kids.

 

The guy you're in love with might be the one you should spend the rest of your life with, but I think your chances with him would be a lot better if you can stand on your own two feet and prove to him that you're not playing games. No judging, but I actually think it's a good sign this guy's steering clear of you until you've gotten a better handle on your life. It shows he has character, self-esteem, and maturity (enough to know that sometimes love isn't enough). You've basically just showed him you can have sex with someone that isn't your husband or the man you profess to be in love with and the act didn't mean anything to you. That's got to screw with a guy's head and make him wonder if you ever really cared for him and if he should really risk his heart on someone who could cheat on him if he married her. But again if it was meant to be, he'll be there when the time is right. Prove to him that you're worth the wait. Get your finances, kids, and divorce in (that) order. Only then will you be the kind of woman he can trust with his heart. Good luck.

[Jetta]

Smallworld,

The reason I would need to leave my husband is because he cannot deal with this child, as he acts like one himself. The stress of their relationship is why I placed my son outside of the home. I had asked my husband for a trial seperation so I could see how my son acted with him not around, he refused to leave. He antaganizes him a lot. If my son is autistic his symptoms filt under the milder form of PDD I think it's called. Still he's not an easy kid but my therapist says he'd likely outgrow the sensativities.

 

Since stating I want a divorce my husband has held down a job. He's still not working a full-time job, but rather a contract and his parents are paying our mortgage. He has never been motivated to be a good provider. His uncle told me to hold off on finding a job until he did, it's been 2 years! In our 4 1/2 years of marriage he has been laid off 3 times, at first I figured that's life, but now I see he has a problem. He has not followed through in any way shape or form and I'm fed up with it. He's unreliable. Social services has even said don't count on him for any support because he's just not capable of it.

 

Basically married or not I'm on my own. My mom told me when I quit my job to stay home with the baby I had made a huge mistake. We discussed the pregnancy, budgetted for me to stay home, and he fell through on his end in more ways than I care to bring up.

[Jetta]

Okay that was a really defensive answer. I'd rather stay until I got the job thing figured out, but I'm being pressured by social services. I do have a brother who lives locally I could stay with for a while if absolutely necessary. I'd rather not but his roommates have moved out and he could some extra income. I do have options, but really I'd prefer to be self supporting. My son does receive child support from his dad which helps, not a lot but it's something (right now it goes to the county to pay for his placement).

[smallworld]

It's okay to be defensive. Actually I'd like to apologize for my advice coming out so harsh. I'm glad you have options. My friend didn't and I just didn't want anyone to go through what she's experiencing. She basically was trapped in her house (section 8 housing) because she couldn't rely on anyone and getting a job wasn't an option because her son (on 5 different meds) kept her up all night and too exhausted to work. The only money coming in was from the disability checks, foodstamps, and what she could beg off friends. As you can imagine, she can't keep very many friends. Her family had disowned her years ago.

 

You sound like you're in a better position than her and are doing the best you can in a tough situation. I admire you for having the courage to accept help from social services. (My friend had a breakdown and her son was taken away from her for 3 months, so I know how humiliating it can be to have SS step in.) If SS is pressuring you for an answer, I'd tell them you're staying married. Even if you don't intend to, your husband obviously needs the training b/c it was his temper that started this mess. He might not interact with his stepson after you're divorced, but I'm sure he'll want to visit his biological son and the training will help him learn how to be a better parent, period. Preventing future problems is vital.

 

You seem like a strong person who doesn't normally ask others for help. I know you'd rather be self sufficient, but I'm sure your family loves you and wants what's best for you and the kids. If you have to rely on them for a while, do it. That's what family's for!

 

One last thing: It takes guts to start a business! If you have the talent to sell your work to one customer, than you can do it again with multiple customers. I really recommend you check SCORE out and get a free biz mentor. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. Maybe this biz could be your ticket to financial stability. 8) Good luck!