I'm having a rough moment here

[ocean9]

My ex called and left a message tonight. I'm screening my calls, because I know I am not strong enough at this point to talk to her. I erased her message right away, so that I wouldn't torture myself by listening to it again and again. (I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever done that) It was really hard not to call her back. I felt guilty, I thought I was being a jerk not to call her back, I paced the floor for awhile for crying out loud!

 

I really need to stay strong. I know that I am vulnerable with her because I still do have feelings for her. She is seeing another man, and she was stringing me along in this bizarre friendship with benefits situation that was hurting me way too much to continue. She also lied to me too many times, and I just don't trust her anymore. She has some issues, and I know that she is not currently capable of the kind of relationship I want at this time in my life. I'm having a really hard time letting her go. (I really do not recommend being 'friends' with an ex if you are still in love with her/him)

 

It is almost like an addiction of sorts for me at times. The impulse to call her back was quite strong. Kudos to me for not caving! It's too late to call back now. I'm going to stay busy tomorrow and stay away from the phone! I'll unplug it and hide the damn thing if I have to!

 

I just needed to talk about this. I know that there are people here who can relate to what I am going through, because they have BTDT, or are currently going through this themselves.

 

The weirdest thing is, in her mind, nothing is wrong -- she seems to think that everything is fine and we're great friends. It baffles me that she doesn't 'get it' that it is not cool to have her cake and eat it too. I don't think she cares about my feelings, or the other guy's feelings either. She seems so selfish. I'm not trying to bad mouth her either, all of this has been so shocking for me. She didn't seem so messed up when we met. I knew she had issues, but her behavior doesn't make any sense -- she is like a female player with a huge ego and low self-esteem, and I just don't get it! How the heck did I ever get into this mess in the first place? I have to stop putting other people's needs ahead of my own. I'm too soft or something!

 

Tomorrow is day 5 of no contact. I'm taking it one day at a time. I really want to heal from this ongoing pain. I want to leave the past in the past, and move forward with my life. I've done no contact with her before, and I always end up back with her. I need to be stronger than that this time, and keep reminding myself that I deserve better and that I must not let this woman use me anymore. I've already given her so much -- if she doesn't want only me now (and not the other guy too), she never will!

[brando]

stay strong. Dont answer that phone. Get out of the house. You seem to understand her game well. You dont have to play. Its hard, but NC is the best way for you to heal. Stay busy too. If a thought of her comes through your mind change it, think of something else.

 

You sound like your doing alright so far, keep posting.

[angel1211]

Ocean9, hang in there bud. I was there almost 7 weeks ago. I know what you are going through. Can you block her numbers? Hearing her voice can really do numbers on a guy, especially when you are trying to get over her. It plays tricks on your mind and sometimes you give in. Dont give in my friend. Try thinking of the consequences if you do call her. Write it down and read it yourself. You may surprise yourself on what you write down. Take care.

[kungfumaster]

yes - good job ocean - hang in there as the previous two posters have said already. trust in yourself - do for yourself and for your future - and set a good example for all those people in your situation- your doing good man - your doing good.

 

take care and god bless.

kung fu

[Rainz]

Hello Ocean,

 

I've been through that in the past. Don't be like me and let it turn into an ongoing thing, with the ex coming back into your life in the name of "being friends" and then go back to their own life when it suits them. The only person who benefits from that is your ex, and you end up feeling hurt every time they mess you around.

After that I never kept an ex as a friend ever again. It hurts weaning yourself off of them initially but personally the clean break works

much better than the wound that is constantly being re-opened.

It's only days for you now, so everything is still very raw and intense. Every time you feel you want to call her, come on here, just try and do something so that you end up not calling her. Talk to friends, journal...it will get easier for you.

[ocean9]

thanks people!

 

It is early evening here, and I still have not returned her call -- I thought about her a lot today though -- I honestly don't want her to feel hurt that I am not calling her back, but I know NC is what is right for me at this time.

 

It feels 'weird' to be putting my needs first for a change. I'm not used to this!