Ex g/f melting my head!

[steveng]

Hi,

 

I recently (about 5 or 6 weeks ago) broke up with my girlfriend of 4 and a half years and am, quite frankly, devastated - no surprise there! The general idea was that she needed a break to figure out what she wanted and get her head straight. We still maintained a bit of contact now and again and generally, I've been fine. However, this past weekend I went away to stay with friends in Scotland, in the hope that I'd have a good time (which I mostly did) and clear my own head. However, while I was away, my ex g/f sent me a load of messages, including a number of risqué photos! My head of course, was far from clear after that, and was spinning 360s! Since I came back a few days ago, I've heard very little from her, and my brain is working overtime to try and figure the whole thing out. Did she send me all those to persuade me not to get together with any other women over there? Was she just looking for an ego boost? Maybe she was just bored?! I'm going away again in a week or two, it may well happen again!

 

She doesn't seem to want to cut me off completely - maybe I'm just her safety net, or maybe she's actually willing to accept that when she decides what she wants, it'll be me. My view is a) I do want her back, we were good together but b) why would I want to be with someone who isn't sure if they want to be with me.

 

The couple of times we've actually spoken on the phone it's been pretty friendly (but I don't want to end up in the friend-zone!) and generally i've felt positive afterwards but then the old brain starts whizzing around again and my head is melted once more! My plan is currently to not contact her for a while but it's tough, and every time something like this happens I feel like I'm back to square 1!

 

Thanks for reading my rant up to here and any advice would be very gratefully received, even if it, 'get rid of her, she's messing with you big time!'

 

Thanks,

 

Steven

[DancingFool]

4.5 years is a long time ....so where was this going? Did you have concrete plans for engagement and marriage or were you just coasting along content while she was increasingly unhappy with status quo???? As a good friend of mine likes to say, relationships are either going somewhere concrete or they stagnate and end.

 

Above aside, I mean just ask her what her deal is. Sometimes, straight up communication saves you so many headaches and misunderstandings. So maybe ask her why she sent those pics, hear her out and then tell her straight up what you want from her - either you get back together and work out your problems that lead to the break up OR you part ways for good and no further contact. One way or the other. Keep it clean and straightforward. Can't be worse than sitting around driving yourself crazy wondering......

[steveng]

Thanks for the wise words. You pretty much nailed it there, although I wouldn't say I was "content" with the situation. We lived 40 miles apart, each having kids (and respective kids' parents) in our home towns. We had talked about moving in together somewhere in between but given our current financial situation it probably wouldn't have been possible for a good while. I admit (and have done to her) that I did want to move in and I should have made her more aware rather than focusing on the obstacles that were in the way. She knows that's what I want but now she's saying that she doesn't know if she wants that anymore.

 

To be honest, there's a lot of "I don't know" from her about everything - "I don't know if I even want a relationship", "I don't know if I want us to live together", etc, etc. It's all that unknown that I find so very confusing and hard to deal with.

 

I think I will, as you suggest, just ask her what the deal was with the weekend, and then just have no contact and see if it gives her time to think.

 

Thanks,

 

Steven

[DancingFool]

Ah....well... I don't know usually means I don't have the guts to tell you that I'm not interested. Sorry to be blunt. That said, nobody can read her mind and what she is thinking so it's time for you to call her out for good. End of the road, one way or the other kind of a thing. If you still the get "I don't know" then take it for a "NO", treat it as a no and move on. Sorry. Speaking strictly for myself, if I'm into a guy and he said that he wanted us to move in together I'd be over the moon and not "oh...ummm...gosh...I don't know.....cough...ermm.....listen....I need to find myself......"

[steveng]

yeah, I heard that before, at the start I just took all those "don't knows' to mean she couldn't bring herself to dump me properly! Much as I've read online (may or may not be a good idea) I always have a glimmer of hope that she'll change her mind and it'll all work out. However, HER having to change her mind means she has all the control, which makes me feel pretty crappy. Maybe if/when she does change her mind, I'll have cleared my head properly and just say, "Nah, no thanks!!"

[DancingFool]

Sounds like for your own sanity, you need to treat this break up for what it is - a break up. As in it's over and you need to move on. IF she ever changes her mind, she knows how to reach you and speak up. Meanwhile, as you said, you might be at a point where you no longer want her back. Still, I'd say talk to her and clear the air. Call her out on her behavior and be blunt about it. That way you aren't constantly looking over your shoulder wondering what if.....

[steveng]

That's exactly what I'll do, thank you so much for your advice!

[RayRay63]

I always have a glimmer of hope that she'll change her mind and it'll all work out.

 

After about 10 or 11 weeks of no contact - which at least means you don't initiate it, and keep any replies short- you start to let go of that hope. And then you can actually move on.

 

No contact is a process for you to heal, not for her to "think about it". Ironically, if you cut off contact, there are many youtube "gurus" who says that helps get your ex back. And search Zorba's posts here.

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199355&page=2&

 

So go no contact and don't respond. If she ever asks you why you are not responding, tell her (briefly - one line) that you need to stop communicating with her so you can move on with your life, without her in it.

[steveng]

I've certainly not been initiating contact myself but when SHE does, I tend to let it drag out a bit, which I know I shouldn't but it's easy to get carried away. That post is all very interesting. I would say that either outcome - 1. we reconcile at some point or 2. I can move on and don't give her much thought - would be acceptable and good for my own mental wellbeing, even though it's hard to imagine me wanting #2 just at the moment.

[steveng]

I have an added complication that we have arranged a holiday together, with a couple of friends. We've said (at the start of the break up) that we could still go, as friends. I don't want to be "friends" so I'm not even sure if I'll go now. It's not for another 2+ months but I feel that it might be a bit soon. Is it even possible to do that without it turning into an absolute disaster?!

[bluecastle]

Feeling for you.

 

I'm in a very similar situation, but almost seven months removed, and know how hard it is. My ex entered the dreaded confused/I don't know state in the last six months of our relationship, and everything I tried to revive things failed. When I broke up with her I felt like I was doing the thing she didn't have the courage to do.

 

The vague reach-outs and pokes started immediately. I was blunt: I didn't want friendship, didn't want to be a crutch; I wanted to talk reconciliation, or have space to move on. Two months out, a serious talk of reconciliation lead to silence, and I found myself letting go and embracing that hard but needed journey of letting the hope fade.

 

Sometimes I think she has a sixth sense, as lately she has started up with the vague pokes once more. They have taken a mean, passive-aggressive turn. They hurt my feelings. And yet, of course, they also make me wonder: Is she trying to say something else? Is this more than a selfish ego boost? Is there, against all odds, still a chance?

 

Yet six months out I've gotten enough clarity to know that THAT is not the sort of relationship I want to be in. There is no real comfort in that, nothing sustainable. If she comes to me with something clear, who knows? But that's out of my control. And so I ignore her, not wanting to feed the dynamic. It's hard and sad. But I know it's healthy. I know because every day I feel a little happier and more comfortable just being alone and making space for the next chapter.

 

I think you know you're currently feeding an unhealthy dynamic. That's okay. That's your heart, your long history together. But it's time to dig deep, ask yourself what you really want, put it out there, and see if it's received in a way that brings comfort. If not, move forward. And maybe, given all that's happened, you don't totally know what you want anymore. That's fine too. If that's the case, just stay silent and/or send her one brief message letting her know that any contact right now just clouds your vision and healing. Then stick to silence.

 

As for the holiday, I would take it off the table. Whether it would be a disaster or a wonderful time doesn't matter. Right now you need to be present with your feelings, with accepting what's happening, and having that hanging over your head for two months is not going to make that possible.

[steveng]

Thanks bluecastle, I can see you're on down the road from me, and I hope it all comes together for you, one way or the other.

 

Some days I to have a certain amount of clarity, especially when I get into the mindset of "Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't know if they want me?" as it just makes me think that I'm worth so much more. Then, of course, I falter and start thinking about the good times, and how we were great together (mostly!)

 

I'm 100% aware that I'm doing the wrong thing with extended replies, just feeding her ego, or putting me even deeper into the friend zone - although, would you really send risque photos to your "friend?" Dunno, that was an ego boost thing, she knew fine well that I'd say he looked great.

 

Today's thought it definitely deal with the holiday, even if I just pull out of it, but I'm not sure how I would deal with being home knowing that she's there, with our mutual friends. On the other hand though, if we go as "friends" I'm pretty confident that would the nail in the coffin of any romantic reconciliation.

 

The flip-flopping between feeling super positive to feeling like I've lost a limb really gets to me, I yearn for a day when that stops. Having said that, I am attempting to move forward with my life, going out with friends, off on trips, etc. and I have kids to keep me occupied too. It's only been 5 or 6 weeks but it feels like an absolute lifetime already.

 

Reading the threads on here, and especially writing this one, is a cathartic in a way. I've already bored my friends to death about it. They just want me to kick her to the kerb and move on mostly! I wish I could be so callous but I just can't bring myself to do it! Yet!

[DancingFool]

Well...I mean she dumped you. You are now allowing her to string you along with low contact and little games. It's up to you to decide that this isn't healthy for you and therefore to cut her off. That's not being callous at all. She dumped you, therefore you owe exactly nothing. More honest truth is you don't want to cut her off because you keep hoping that she'll come back to you. Thing is that when you keep that hope going, you are just torturing yourself and prolonging the pain you are in.

 

So, I'll say it again - call her out politely. Tell her that unless she is looking to reconcile, you do not want to hear from her again. When someone dumps you, they lose the privilege of your friendship, company, support, etc. It's over and they chose that.

[steveng]

Oh I know what I need to do now but I can’t help feeling that hope in the meantime! I like “lose the privilege of my friendship” I’ll remember that :)

[bluecastle]

I get the catharsis of these sites. Lord knows they've been a life raft for me. That and therapy.

 

One thing I've had to grapple with on my journey that might apply to yours: the continued engagement, and the ego boosts, goes both ways. And that's okay too. Sometimes the engagement is a path toward disengaging, part of the process.

 

During the first few months I would roll my eyes at the nebulous things my ex sent me, but I'd reply, and we'd go back and forth for a bit, both of us enjoying the sad little rush for a bit. But the rush faded the more I realized it was a closed circle, always leading back to the same place. The most recent reach-outs, though kind of mean, are still a kind of ego-boost; at the very least, they let me know I'm on her mind, still a thorn in her side as she is mine. But engagement just twists the thorn, and as time passes those twists just get boring and remind you of what you don't want.

 

What really changed for me was spending time with friends, old friends, new friends, putting the energy I put into the relationship into cultivating all those friendships. Oh, I thought, THIS is what it feels like to be fully wanted, seen, and accepted—not romantically, of course, but still: it's been enough to give me a taste of the real sweetness that's out there, and it makes being alone exciting instead of, well, just lonely. It showed me what I really want, and has allowed me to largely let go of the idea that my ex could ever provide that.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you hit an impasse with the kids, hometown, moving etc. Now she's not sure about anything, especially you. The holiday, particularly with other people along will be a total disaster having to act like nothing is wrong. It won't lead to reconciliation because neither of you were able to budge from your positions for over 4 years.

I have an added complication that we have arranged a holiday together, with a couple of friends. We've said (at the start of the break up) that we could still go, as friends. I don't want to be "friends" so I'm not even sure if I'll go now.

[steveng]

What really changed for me was spending time with friends, old friends, new friends, putting the energy I put into the relationship into cultivating all those friendships. Oh, I thought, THIS is what it feels like to be fully wanted, seen, and accepted—not romantically, of course, but still: it's been enough to give me a taste of the real sweetness that's out there, and it makes being alone exciting instead of, well, just lonely. It showed me what I really want, and has allowed me to largely let go of the idea that my ex could ever provide that.

 

This is 100% what I'm trying to do, reconnecting with people, starting running, looking after myself a bit better, etc. I do find it good to be with friends but sometimes I think to myself "I'm doing this to keep me occupied" and immediately remember what I'm trying to forget! It'll get easier, I know that. It always gives me a renewed faith in people when these things happen, people really rally around, even though I'm probably boring them to tears talking about my predicament!!

[steveng]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you hit an impasse with the kids, hometown, moving etc. Now she's not sure about anything, especially you. The holiday, particularly with other people along will be a total disaster having to act like nothing is wrong. It won't lead to reconciliation because neither of you were able to budge from your positions for over 4 years.

 

Yeah, this is pretty bang on, it'll be a disaster so I'm not going to do it now. The impasse was really just me either procrastinating or trying to figure out how we could manage it. That was MY mistake in the whole thing!

[steveng]

So I let her know that sending me those photos/messages over the weekend I was away was confusing and inappropriate. Apparently she was drunk, bored and alone and just thought she'd call on me! I think/hope that she'll cut that out now and I won't be replying to anything she sends. Let's see how that goes!! She sent me a message last night to which I was a bit short with a single word reply and she seemed very miffed. No idea what's going on in her head, but mine's getting a bit clearer!

[Wiseman2]

Excellent, now tell her and the other people you need to back out so they can plan accordingly. It would be best to go no contact rather than feed her ego that racy pics make you want her etc.

it'll be a disaster so I'm not going to do it now.

[steveng]

Yeah, I need to make the other friends content that it'll all be okay for them to still go. Much as I could do with a week in Spain, it'll be the best thing for me!

[bluecastle]

You're doing exactly what you need to do: being straightforward, getting the answers you need, taking care of yourself. It's a process. Whatever is going on in her head and heart right now will always be a mystery. She probably doesn't even know.

 

But her actions tell you who she is right now, where she is, and what she can offer. That's clearly not enough to meet your truest needs. I know how sad that is, and how hard it is to turn off the switch that makes you look for the subtext, for the secret chess move required to make it all work again. Don't fight that switch, but don't react to it. In time it becomes less powerful.

 

I'm in similar shoes, as you know. I still, nearly seven months out, find that switch going on. But the way I've come to see it is more general: I'm projecting onto her the thing I really want—something sustainable, someone who feels as I do—and I realize I'll only find that by letting go and making space for it to arrive in a different form.

[steveng]

I know what you mean, the switch has been on even since I wrote that last message when I was feeling positive! it’s tough! I suspect though that my future self will want to give me a damned good talking to!! I know it’s probably not easy for her either but my head says she’s having a great old time! It was 4 and a half years after all.

[DancingFool]

It does take time to come to terms with a break up of a long term relationship, so do be kind to yourself while going through that and do allow for time.

 

I think she really did you a huge favor by being honest about why she did what she did - drunk and bored. It's not that she cared about you or your relationship, it's not that she wanted it back, it's simply that she wanted entertainment. In a way it's difficult on both sides, especially if the relationship was mostly good. She likely still wants some parts of that relationship, but not the whole thing. She still wants your attention perhaps or your friendship, but......she isn't willing to give back the same, thus the break up. So, don't be there for her anymore and yes, she will be mad about it, but....that's OK. Remember she chose to end things. If she wants more, she knows how to reach you and what to say and if she doesn't....well.....don't put your life on hold waiting to find out. Remember that if she ever changes her mind, you can always see where you are at then and how you feel about that at that point. Who knows....you might not want her back by then.

[steveng]

I agree overall it was good that she said that, even though it made me feel like absolute crap for a day or two! On the flip side, it’s a bit sad that that’s what she’s felt is good entertainment for her! I’m definitely down about the whole thing but I do have good friends and family to talk to for support and am making plenty of plans to keep myself going.

 

The more I think about, the more I realise that the relationship in general did not offer me everything I needed, emotionally and intellectually. I’m just trying to hold on to that thought until I come through the other side.