Broken Engagement

[Geo83]

Could certainly use some advise... all my friends and family just tell me to move on and find someone new/better.

 

I met my ex fiancé when I was 10 and she was 12. She was the first girl I have ever had a crush on. We lived in different towns about 2.5 hrs away but would spend summers in the same place. Once we were about high school age I did not see or hear from her again as we both stopped going to the summer place. About 6 years ago we, me (m29) her (f31) reconnected via Facebook. She was more beautiful than I remembered. After we messaged each other a couple times we decided to meet and have dinner. Still living a couple hrs away, she invited me down for dinner one night. I ended up spending the night at her place, kissed her goodnight and cuddled in bed. It was an amazing evening. As I closed the door to her house the next morning on my way to work I stopped myself and said "she is the one I am going to marry".

 

We continued to see each other as much as possible over the next 3 months. She visited me, I visited her, and she even introduced me to some of her friends and family. We even spent Memorial Day weekend together, just the two of us at my families cabin. It was there that I realized I was already completely in love with her. We slept together for the first time there and things could not have been better. A couple of weeks later, on her birthday we went to dinner with her immediate family, I picked up most of the check $400.00 and the next day we went to a baseball game with another couple. On the way there she was telling me how much she liked me and how happy she was we found each other again. Once inside the stadium, it was like I wasn't even there. She was on her phone most of the game and even left me there to go meet a guy "friend" at one of the bars in the stadium for almost 45min. I was upset and had a few too many beers and made a complete ass out of myself. 2 weeks later she broke up with me and said she didn't think we should see each other anymore. I was really hurt but decided to respect her wishes and stopped contacting her.

 

3 months later, I had not heard anything from her so I decided it was over and unfriended her on FB. About a week after I did that she finally texted me saying she was sorry it came to that and she was sorry she hurt me. I brushed it off and said her actions made it clear things were over and said I would miss her. 2 months later was NYE and she had sent me a text wishing me a happy new year, I did not respond. 3 months after that she sent another text just asking how I was doing etc... I responded this time but was still a bit scorned by the way she just ended things and the conversation did not go or end well.

 

I knew from the start she has many male friends and told her I was ok with it as long as she was open, upfront, and honest with me (it will come into play later). moving a head 5 months NC, I had taken a new job and was in her city at least once a week. I did not alert her to this but out of the blue she texted me again. I told her about the new position and decided next time I was in town we would get dinner. We did the next week and had a great time. As I dropped her off at her place she invited me in to watch a movie and I accepted. She then asked me to give her a massage and cuddled on the couch with me. I took this as a sign she may still have feelings for me so upon leaving I kissed her long and good, goodnight. The next day she texted me several times saying she had a great time and it was good to see me again. We decided to do it again the following Friday. It was a very similar evening but this time I ended up staying at her place instead of my hotel. While we were in bed, I gathered up the nerve to ask her if she still had feelings for me. She said "I can't answer that right now, I am seeing someone." ? I asked her why she hadn't mentioned that and she said "well, you didn't ask." I was so upset I grabbed my stuff at 1am and left and went to my hotel.

 

After that, I said to myself I was done with her. She texted several times over the next 7 months but I ignored all of them. Then as fate would have it, I was offered a job in the same city. I took it as it was a great opportunity for me. Somehow, she found out I had moved there and texted me again asking if I wanted to get together. I agreed simply because I didn't know many people here and part of me was still in love with her. She told me from the start she was in a relationship but was happy to see me and that I was living in her town. We decided to just be friends, even though I wanted to be with her and she knew it.

 

She started calling me or texting me several times a week. Sometimes just for talking other times to get together. Then things became difficult again. She started spending the night at my place from time to time and sending flirty messages. I knew she had a boyfriend but I justified it to myself because I never once initiated contact, always her asking me. Nothing too sexual happened expect for some cuddling but I knew I still loved her which is why I let it go. One night she invited me to dinner at her place and I accepted. We had a great night, I spent the night and we held each other all night. In the morning, I decided I needed to tell her how I still felt. I told her I was crazy about her and I always had been. She said she needed to figure things out with her BF before making any decisions. She then asked if she could kiss me. Of course I said yes and she starting rubbing my area while doing so. I told her to stop as I opened my eyes and saw a picture of her and her BF on the wall. I felt guilty but still wanted it so bad.

 

She went on vacation a couple days after that and we did not speak for about 10 days. When she returned, I could tell something was up. She came to my place and said she had a long talk with her BF and decided to work on things with him, I was crushed. I asked her to leave and said my feelings for her are much greater than friendship and that if is her choice, I can no longer have her in my life. She tried several times to reach out to me over the next year but I ignored all of it.

 

About this time she sent another message telling me it was over with her BF, she moved into her own place and wanted to see me. I said no but she was persistent. I eventually gave in and ended up having dinner with her. We hung out a couple more times and decided I needed to let her know how much she hurt me and if we were going to continue it was all or nothing. We both cried and hugged and kissed as I went over all the ty things she said and did over the last few years. But, she said she wanted me and she never stopped thinking about me. WE WERE FINALLY TOGETHER.

 

Meanwhile the ex would still text her all the time and show up at the bar she worked at etc... we fought about this often but she would never tell him to stop. I decided I still loved her and wanted to spend my life with her. I designed her engagement ring myself and talked to a girlfriend of hers to figure out the perfect engagement. I took her to NYC for a long weekend with a hotel on Park Ave. I hired a carriage ride, a photographer, proposed in Central Park and made dinner reservations after. It was perfect and moved I moved in with her a month later.

 

As I mentioned she has many male friends. After being together for 18 months many of them I met maybe one time or never. She would always go out with them while I was away for work or whatever. She always claimed they were just friends but certain situations she put herself in made me very insecure. On more than one occasion while out of town she and her "friend" would go to dinner and drinks, just the two of them. Another time a "friend" picked her up, went to dinner, then to a bar until 1:30am, then brought her home. The worst was one time I came home and found a red bull can in the trash. I know she would never drink one so I asked who's it was. She just causally said one of her "friends" stopped by on Sat and it was his. I told her I am not comfortable with her having men I do not know in our house when I am 500 miles away. She begins to shift the blame for this and everything on me. Stating I am insecure, jealous, and controlling. She goes onto say that she's been friends with these men for years and I need to get over it. She even started being more secretive with her phone and changed her password.

 

Things really spiraled from there and after about 5 months of rockiness she said she was done and asked me to leave. We tried counseling for a few weeks but she said it wasn't helping and she was 100% done (for now). She went on to say she needs time and maybe in a few months we can try again and we just aren't right for each other "at this time". I moved out and it was rough, we fought even more. I couldn't belive she could just quit so easily. I told her if this was her choice then this was the end for good. I blocked her number, FB, everything and said goodbye in an email. I have not heard a thing from her except 2 days ago I came home to boxes on my porch of a few things I forgot at her place. I have heard from a couple mutual friends she has moved on already and dating and going out partying with 20 something's. she is 37 now.

 

I know in my head she is not what I want but I just cannot seem to let go and get over it. I know if she showed up at my doorstep I would have to think twice about my decision to ever take her back. although, I don't thing that will ever happen. My head says no, my heart says yes. Any advise, wisdom, criticism, experience, etc... is welcome. sorry it so long just wanted everyone to understand. honestly, this is the short version, ha.

[dundermiflin]

Well, to state the obvious, she is grody. Dishonest and selfish. If she got into a car accident where her face became horribly disfigured, or her body, but she still behaved like that, would you find it just a little bit easier to kick her to the curb? Try to find a girl who has a good heart. She may have been a good kid to play with when you were young, and you still see that as romantic evidence that you two belong together; I don't know. But she grew up to be gross, just read your post. That's the real her.

[Pleasedonot5]

She cheated on her boyfriend with you, a male "friend." That shows you she is willing to cheat on her s/o with male "friends."

 

This may seem like star-cross'd lovers, but it's not. Just your mind playing tricks on you. She is not the one - you deserve better and you will find better once you actually, finally move on for good.

[Geo83]

you have an very good point. As I am still upset I primarily focused on most of the bad things but for the first 8 months of our relationship it was pretty great. I do think sometimes it was more addiction/infatuation. Almost think she may be boarderline?

[Geo83]

I do know this, and we have discussed this in detail. She never told him what happened between us and made the excuse that she always had feelings for me. She just made a poor choice and it wasn't totally cheating in her eyes since we didn't sleep together. Wow just typing this out is making me realize it.

[Snny]

You dodged a bullet with this one. Imagine if she cheated while she was married to you.

 

She isn’t wife material.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, but yeah, way too much on/off and drama.

Wow just typing this out is making me realize it.