Feeling really down about short term relationship ending abruptly

[leafsfan1967]

Hi all. I am 29. Been in my fair share of relationships - starting to get a bit cynical about love by now! I had dated someone for 2 years previous to the relationship I’m about to describe. In the 2 year relationship the main issue for me was the lack of sexual incompability. The woman I was with didn’t have much of a sex drive, didn’t like receiving oral sex and was like pulling teeth to get her to perform on me. Sexually, I am very well.. sexual. I would do literally anything someone asked me to do (ok some limits on crazy stuff but you get the point). I love going down on women and would do anything really to please my partner. So when I don’t feel that reciprocated, it is frustrating!

 

I started to see someone a few months ago. I had a really fun time with her. When I was with her, 80% of me felt comfortable/I really liked her - there was a part of me that felt something was missing and we may have been a bit too “different”. We would talk all the time, see each other 2-3 times a week. Seemingly it was going somewhere. I found, however, sexually there were “hang-ups” she had based partly on her being a hypochondriac. She always felt she had some kind of disease and would question whether I gave it to her (eg: herpes, mono) which I found offensive. She was pretty sexual, but found she was grossed out a bit by semen and sweat. She also found certain sexual positions I liked hurtful. But she was really in to oral sex and being spontaneous so there were things that made me feel re-assured sexually. Eventually I brought up my issues with her and was trying to just explain that sexually these few things were missing for me. I am a very sensitive, sometimes intense person and think I could have gone about it better - I made it out to be a big deal to me and she started to feel offended, insulted, reduced - as if she was giving it her all to please me and we had so much else going good, why are you so demanding and hung up on a few sex acts? To me, it just became a feeling of us being on different pages sexually. Everything added up in my head - her dislike of semen in general (including not finishing oral in her mouth which I absolutely love), her being grossed out by my bodily fluids, thinking she’s getting infections from me, etc... She also found a lot of positions hurtful and so overall in the end our last few sexual experiences were bad. She insisted I get an STD test when we started dating, which I was ok with because it’s a safety thing I guess, but is against considering seriously other contraceptive methods other than condoms which I HATE and can easily lose my erection with. The last time we were being sexual everything just came crashing down and I lost my erection and just got so panicked and frustrated I had to stop and then basically said I had to leave. She understands what my desires are sexually and how her issues around my body were affecting me, but deflected it by saying “other guys recently haven’t had issues with me in the past” and blaming some this on my self-esteem/depression issues.

 

Anyways, I’ve tried to talk to her about it and move forward and find a way. However, she continues to just harp on how awful I made her feel and she can’t get over it. I apologized (multiple times) for the way I handled things as I could have dealt with it much better, but explained I felt panicked and scared in the moment. She understands my issues, but cannot get over how I made her feel. In her past she’ has had rumours spread about her being not good sexually, she has anxiety, she has perfectionist issues, she has issues with being a hypochondriac and I get all that is probably a factor. I also have self-esteem and depression issues. So these kinds of things leave me so sad and feeling so down. I hate being vulnerable with someone and then having it just end. It sucks so badly.

 

It’s been a couple weeks since things kind of fizzled out. I’ve told her I want to try work these issues through but now she is just insistent the way I went about this is a “major red flag” and she doesn’t know how she can get over being so hurt and reduced. I feel if she just listened to what I was saying and tried to work this through with me, things would be fine - or at least there would be a chance of something blossoming. It’s so frustrating she can’t get to that point.

 

Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried my best to reach out and work this through but she just says she needs time and doesn’t think it could work because she’’d feel she’’d be “auditioned” sexually from now on (ie: I’d be evaluating her constantly). She asked if in a couple months the sex stuff didn’t get better would I still want to be with her and I said “honestly I’m not sure how I’ll feel” - a totally honest answer but not what she wanted to hear! I told her to reach out if she changed her mind and wanted to work on thing but it didn’t sound like she had much of a desire.

 

I feel sad and hopeless about this, but mostly I feel I messed it up badly. I told myself I would not let a relationship go on when I felt there were sexual issues in the beginning. That is why I decided to say something earlier on this itme.

 

What do I do? Obviously at this point she has to want to reconcile. But I just feel so damn ty about myself and down on myself about this and can’t shake it. I constantly question and doubt myself - “maybe I shouldn’t have said anything”, “you always push women away”, etc...

 

I would welcome any feedback on what to do and how to feel better about this situation. I also just hate the idea of starting to date someone else again - I’ve had so many failed (short and long term) relationships! Such is life I guess.

[veryhurt]

Hi all. I am 29. Been in my fair share of relationships - starting to get a bit cynical about love by now! I had dated someone for 2 years previous to the relationship I’m about to describe. In the 2 year relationship the main issue for me was the lack of sexual incompability. The woman I was with didn’t have much of a sex drive, didn’t like receiving oral sex and was like pulling teeth to get her to perform on me. Sexually, I am very well.. sexual. I would do literally anything someone asked me to do (ok some limits on crazy stuff but you get the point). I love going down on women and would do anything really to please my partner. So when I don’t feel that reciprocated, it is frustrating!

 

I started to see someone a few months ago. I had a really fun time with her. When I was with her, 80% of me felt comfortable/I really liked her - there was a part of me that felt something was missing and we may have been a bit too “different”. We would talk all the time, see each other 2-3 times a week. Seemingly it was going somewhere. I found, however, sexually there were “hang-ups” she had based partly on her being a hypochondriac. She always felt she had some kind of disease and would question whether I gave it to her (eg: herpes, mono) which I found offensive. She was pretty sexual, but found she was grossed out a bit by semen and sweat. She also found certain sexual positions I liked hurtful. But she was really in to oral sex and being spontaneous so there were things that made me feel re-assured sexually. Eventually I brought up my issues with her and was trying to just explain that sexually these few things were missing for me. I am a very sensitive, sometimes intense person and think I could have gone about it better - I made it out to be a big deal to me and she started to feel offended, insulted, reduced - as if she was giving it her all to please me and we had so much else going good, why are you so demanding and hung up on a few sex acts? To me, it just became a feeling of us being on different pages sexually. Everything added up in my head - her dislike of semen in general (including not finishing oral in her mouth which I absolutely love), her being grossed out by my bodily fluids, thinking she’s getting infections from me, etc... She also found a lot of positions hurtful and so overall in the end our last few sexual experiences were bad. She insisted I get an STD test when we started dating, which I was ok with because it’s a safety thing I guess, but is against considering seriously other contraceptive methods other than condoms which I HATE and can easily lose my erection with. The last time we were being sexual everything just came crashing down and I lost my erection and just got so panicked and frustrated I had to stop and then basically said I had to leave. She understands what my desires are sexually and how her issues around my body were affecting me, but deflected it by saying “other guys recently haven’t had issues with me in the past” and blaming some this on my self-esteem/depression issues.

 

Anyways, I’ve tried to talk to her about it and move forward and find a way. However, she continues to just harp on how awful I made her feel and she can’t get over it. I apologized (multiple times) for the way I handled things as I could have dealt with it much better, but explained I felt panicked and scared in the moment. She understands my issues, but cannot get over how I made her feel. In her past she’ has had rumours spread about her being not good sexually, she has anxiety, she has perfectionist issues, she has issues with being a hypochondriac and I get all that is probably a factor. I also have self-esteem and depression issues. So these kinds of things leave me so sad and feeling so down. I hate being vulnerable with someone and then having it just end. It sucks so badly.

 

It’s been a couple weeks since things kind of fizzled out. I’ve told her I want to try work these issues through but now she is just insistent the way I went about this is a “major red flag” and she doesn’t know how she can get over being so hurt and reduced. I feel if she just listened to what I was saying and tried to work this through with me, things would be fine - or at least there would be a chance of something blossoming. It’s so frustrating she can’t get to that point.

 

Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried my best to reach out and work this through but she just says she needs time and doesn’t think it could work because she’’d feel she’’d be “auditioned” sexually from now on (ie: I’d be evaluating her constantly). She asked if in a couple months the sex stuff didn’t get better would I still want to be with her and I said “honestly I’m not sure how I’ll feel” - a totally honest answer but not what she wanted to hear! I told her to reach out if she changed her mind and wanted to work on thing but it didn’t sound like she had much of a desire.

 

I feel sad and hopeless about this, but mostly I feel I messed it up badly. I told myself I would not let a relationship go on when I felt there were sexual issues in the beginning. That is why I decided to say something earlier on this itme.

 

What do I do? Obviously at this point she has to want to reconcile. But I just feel so damn ty about myself and down on myself about this and can’t shake it. I constantly question and doubt myself - “maybe I shouldn’t have said anything”, “you always push women away”, etc...

 

I would welcome any feedback on what to do and how to feel better about this situation. I also just hate the idea of starting to date someone else again - I’ve had so many failed (short and long term) relationships! Such is life I guess.

 

The crux of the issue very clearly is that you're a leafs fan, and, by that very nature, are a problem. Maybe if you were a habs fan she would reconsider.

 

Joking aside she sounds like a baby/neurotic. Nothing you did was a "major red flag". Not even close. She sounds insecure and like she will create problems in the future.

[dias]

She insisted I get an STD test when we started dating, which I was ok with because it’s a safety thing I guess, but is against considering seriously other contraceptive methods other than condoms which I HATE and can easily lose my erection with.

You don't have the right to oblige her to use contraceptive methods or make her do things in bed she doesn't like. You are just incompatible.

[ThatwasThen]

No reason to be feeling guilty, remorseful or second guessing yourself. Be glad you're free of her and her issues.

 

I told myself I would not let a relationship go on when I felt there were sexual issues in the beginning. That is why I decided to say something earlier on this itme.

This is called having a personal boundary and having boundaries is a good thing because it protects you from people taking advantage of you and it keeps you from settling which when done, usually ends up in divorce or break up eventually anyway.

 

Quit beating yourself up. The divorce rate is so high because far too many people settle until they can no longer fake it.

[Blank State]

Hi all. I am 29. Been in my fair share of relationships - starting to get a bit cynical about love by now! I had dated someone for 2 years previous to the relationship I’m about to describe. In the 2 year relationship the main issue for me was the lack of sexual incompability. The woman I was with didn’t have much of a sex drive, didn’t like receiving oral sex and was like pulling teeth to get her to perform on me. Sexually, I am very well.. sexual. I would do literally anything someone asked me to do (ok some limits on crazy stuff but you get the point). I love going down on women and would do anything really to please my partner. So when I don’t feel that reciprocated, it is frustrating!

 

I started to see someone a few months ago. I had a really fun time with her. When I was with her, 80% of me felt comfortable/I really liked her - there was a part of me that felt something was missing and we may have been a bit too “different”. We would talk all the time, see each other 2-3 times a week. Seemingly it was going somewhere. I found, however, sexually there were “hang-ups” she had based partly on her being a hypochondriac. She always felt she had some kind of disease and would question whether I gave it to her (eg: herpes, mono) which I found offensive. She was pretty sexual, but found she was grossed out a bit by semen and sweat. She also found certain sexual positions I liked hurtful. But she was really in to oral sex and being spontaneous so there were things that made me feel re-assured sexually. Eventually I brought up my issues with her and was trying to just explain that sexually these few things were missing for me. I am a very sensitive, sometimes intense person and think I could have gone about it better - I made it out to be a big deal to me and she started to feel offended, insulted, reduced - as if she was giving it her all to please me and we had so much else going good, why are you so demanding and hung up on a few sex acts? To me, it just became a feeling of us being on different pages sexually. Everything added up in my head - her dislike of semen in general (including not finishing oral in her mouth which I absolutely love), her being grossed out by my bodily fluids, thinking she’s getting infections from me, etc... She also found a lot of positions hurtful and so overall in the end our last few sexual experiences were bad. She insisted I get an STD test when we started dating, which I was ok with because it’s a safety thing I guess, but is against considering seriously other contraceptive methods other than condoms which I HATE and can easily lose my erection with. The last time we were being sexual everything just came crashing down and I lost my erection and just got so panicked and frustrated I had to stop and then basically said I had to leave. She understands what my desires are sexually and how her issues around my body were affecting me, but deflected it by saying “other guys recently haven’t had issues with me in the past” and blaming some this on my self-esteem/depression issues.

 

Anyways, I’ve tried to talk to her about it and move forward and find a way. However, she continues to just harp on how awful I made her feel and she can’t get over it. I apologized (multiple times) for the way I handled things as I could have dealt with it much better, but explained I felt panicked and scared in the moment. She understands my issues, but cannot get over how I made her feel. In her past she’ has had rumours spread about her being not good sexually, she has anxiety, she has perfectionist issues, she has issues with being a hypochondriac and I get all that is probably a factor. I also have self-esteem and depression issues. So these kinds of things leave me so sad and feeling so down. I hate being vulnerable with someone and then having it just end. It sucks so badly.

 

It’s been a couple weeks since things kind of fizzled out. I’ve told her I want to try work these issues through but now she is just insistent the way I went about this is a “major red flag” and she doesn’t know how she can get over being so hurt and reduced. I feel if she just listened to what I was saying and tried to work this through with me, things would be fine - or at least there would be a chance of something blossoming. It’s so frustrating she can’t get to that point.

 

Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried my best to reach out and work this through but she just says she needs time and doesn’t think it could work because she’’d feel she’’d be “auditioned” sexually from now on (ie: I’d be evaluating her constantly). She asked if in a couple months the sex stuff didn’t get better would I still want to be with her and I said “honestly I’m not sure how I’ll feel” - a totally honest answer but not what she wanted to hear! I told her to reach out if she changed her mind and wanted to work on thing but it didn’t sound like she had much of a desire.

 

I feel sad and hopeless about this, but mostly I feel I messed it up badly. I told myself I would not let a relationship go on when I felt there were sexual issues in the beginning. That is why I decided to say something earlier on this itme.

 

What do I do? Obviously at this point she has to want to reconcile. But I just feel so damn ty about myself and down on myself about this and can’t shake it. I constantly question and doubt myself - “maybe I shouldn’t have said anything”, “you always push women away”, etc...

 

I would welcome any feedback on what to do and how to feel better about this situation. I also just hate the idea of starting to date someone else again - I’ve had so many failed (short and long term) relationships! Such is life I guess.

“honestly I’m not sure how I’ll feel”. This was a big mistake. I think you were just putting up a front. She just put her heart out there and asked you in a moment of vulnerability if you would still want to be with her if the other stuff didn't work out, and you decided to be "honest". You are obviously in to this girl and to give her some peace you should have said that you would. Because I think she means something to you. That isn't malicious lying. That's giving someone reassurance. You said there are some things she does sexually that you love. Focus on that for now.

[ThatwasThen]

Well, I don't agree with that sentiment. Telling someone what they want to hear is disingenuous and it's not something that I think anyone should be doing when it comes to romantic relationships. What good is lying so that when the time comes and he doesn't do what he said he would, she comes to a place like that and doesn't understand why he said one thing, but did the complete opposite?

[leafsfan1967]

Thanks all for the advice. I just spoke to her again because she said she was “considering” trying things again, but then kept going on about how hurt she was. Then the kicker was she, just so I know, her friends hate me. At that point, I just made the decision to not try this anymore. I was reaching out to try reconcile and she also saw this as “begging”. Something just isn’t right. I HATE HATE HATE relationships ending and it is tied to some childhood issues around a bitter divorce, being bullied, etc... So I’m just having a hard time. I acknowledged the way I handled things could have been better but to make me out to be such an abusive person when I’ve been amazing otherwise to her is just so hurtful to me. It’s way too much drama for something that just doesn’t feel this horrible of something I did.

[ThatwasThen]

At that point, I just made the decision to not try this anymore.

Good decision in my opinion.

[leafsfan1967]

Hi all. Want to thank you all for your guidance and thoughts. It is much appreciated. A week later I haven’t heard from her. Not that I expected to. I had hoped her perspective might change. The whole thing just sucks because we had a good thing going - she just couldn’’t handle me bringing this issue up in the way I did. I know logically it makes most sense to move on and just try find someone new but is there anything I could do try this again or make her somehow shift her and her friend’s view of me as some villain? I feel I can’t change that and no matter how hard I tried to work that out with her, she couldn’’t get past it. I just hate how it crashed and burned so quickly and while I think I had to bring the issues up, had no idea she would react the way she did and it would lead to the end. That’’s my sadness/frustration. And now she’’s posting lots of fun and celebratory things she’’s doing on instagram and Facebook. One second I’m about to meet her parents, travel, etc and in the span of a week it’’s over. So not what I expected out of this. Thanks again everyone.

[ThatwasThen]

Why try to salvage a relationship that you were not satisfied in? That makes no sense especially since she just shuts down and doesn't give another thought to changing.