How do I fix my heartbreak after a betrayal?

[ConfusedBrit]

Hey, random British college student here, i'm currently 18 to give you a good picture of how mature a lot of the other people in this story are. Just made an account on here as a last ditch attempt to seek some advice.

 

All my life I have suffered badly from battles with social anxiety and depression, both have lead me to become a little bit antisocial, a lot of people seem very two faced and heartless to me, so I just gave up trying to please them, but then I went to college, I met a group of people who surprisingly didn't all just go "ew he likes video games, metal and pro wrestling, what a weirdo" or start ing about others within 5 minutes of approaching me, they seemed like....well...good people.

 

Fast forward 6 months and this 18 year old guy had made his first "best friend"....was kinda weird the first time she called me that, I was shocked, almost scared, but for the first time in my life I felt cared about by someone other than my mother, it was amazing.

 

For the sake of identity protection let's call her Kairi. We did everything together, spoke everyday, just the sight of each other bought smiles to each others faces, but then yesterday, I was confronted by not only one of my other close friends, who we'll call Sally, but also by one of our other classmates, who we'll call Gertrude, now the thing is, Gertrude is a troublemaker, always causing arguments and kicking off on people, typical attention seeker, so obviously I was shocked and horrified when I found she wasn't the cause of the problem as Sally said "so, Kairi's told me you've been talking about me behind my back, AGAIN" I was heartbroken.

 

A week before this happened, Sally sent me a text about an argument she'd had with someone months ago, Kairi was there when I got the message, all I said to her was "hmm...I wonder why she's bought that up, she's cool with that person now". That moment had been fabricated into a tale of me slandering Sally, who has now apparently joined forces with the "mean girls" who are headed by Gertrude and is now acting as if the reason she didn't get along with them is BECAUSE OF ME!

 

all this just because I was confused about a text, on top of this two other friends were standing by when the incident occurred, both of them were there when I got the text, so knew the stories about me talking about Sally in a malicious were completely untrue, I looked at one of them with desperation in my eyes and what did he say? Nothing. He stood by and watched me get ripped into, the other friend just laughed nervously hoping no one would pull him into it. My best friend betrayed me, has joined forces with the "mean girls" (always in quotations as that's what she used to call them when I used to talk to her) in some sort of weird anti me partnership and my other friends are just standing by and allowing it to happen, even though two of them know it's not true!!

 

I now feel completely alone, i'm at the lowest I think I have ever been, I'm extremely close to giving up on everyone, I enjoy my own company anyway and besides, every time I try to enjoy someone elses I get hurt, but this incident hasn't only bought that realization upon me, it's also bought the depression back, cripplingly, and the social anxiety has grown to a point where I struggled to merely get through college today without a breakdown, please, anyone, explain to me, is everyone like this??? Are there people out there who will take me in without the ulterior motives of getting something in return (money, social media likes) or without starting a load of drama or without backstabbing me??? But most importantly, will the pain i'm feeling from this, the heartbreak it's caused, ever go away???

[DanZee]

Well, yeah, there are troublemakers out there. Usually they come from families of troublemakers and gossipers. They are usually sad people who have no life of their own and are living through other people who they try to manipulate for fun. When you get into a situation like that, there usually is no use in trying to change their minds. Just say you don't know what they're talking about. If you want to play with them a little, you can ask, what is it I supposedly said? And just say you didn't say anything. They are trying to get a reaction from you, and if you don't give them a reaction, they usually give up and leave you alone. I think they were playing with you because you're sensitive. Don't feed into it. Just deny everything.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Were you interested in any of these girls for dating? Stay out of all the gossip and catfighting, don't get manipulated by that. It's ok to have one-on-one friends and not hang out with cliques and groups or get caught in thier games and drama. Perhaps it's time to get on dating apps and find a gf.

first "best friend"...Kairi. We did everything together, spoke everyday, just the sight of each other bought smiles to each others faces

[ConfusedBrit]

Thank you very much for the advice, I mean I always knew there would be troublemakers when I started the college course but I think it was just a shock that the person who ended up causing it was the person who'd become my best friend, for the first time in my life I was shocked by someones cruelty. But as you said if I avoid showing them it's affected me and don't give a reaction, hopefully this will go away soon

[ConfusedBrit]

Well, yeah, there are troublemakers out there. Usually they come from families of troublemakers and gossipers. They are usually sad people who have no life of their own and are living through other people who they try to manipulate for fun. When you get into a situation like that, there usually is no use in trying to change their minds. Just say you don't know what they're talking about. If you want to play with them a little, you can ask, what is it I supposedly said? And just say you didn't say anything. They are trying to get a reaction from you, and if you don't give them a reaction, they usually give up and leave you alone. I think they were playing with you because you're sensitive. Don't feed into it. Just deny everything.

 

Thank you very much for the advice, I mean I always knew there would be troublemakers when I started the college course but I think it was just a shock that the person who ended up causing it was the person who'd become my best friend, for the first time in my life I was shocked by someones cruelty. But as you said if I avoid showing them it's affected me and don't give a reaction, hopefully this will go away soon.

[ConfusedBrit]

Sorry to hear this. Were you interested in any of these girls for dating? Stay out of all the gossip and catfighting, don't get manipulated by that. It's ok to have one-on-one friends and not hang out with cliques and groups or get caught in thier games and drama. Perhaps it's time to get on dating apps and find a gf.

 

In all honesty no, I never thought of them that way. I'm very cautious with relationships personally and I struggle to start considering them until I know someone really well you know? And out of everyone the only one I knew well enough i'd say was Kairi but I was too happy at the time that I had this best friend to consider any of that. But yeah, I guess your right, with someone one on one there's probably less chance of people playing mind games. Thank you for your reply!

[catfeeder]

I'm not really clear about what happened, but as a rule of thumb, I avoid groups that gossip. There's no way to avoid becoming an eventual target of someone in those.

 

If you have the opportunity to speak to friend without an audience, I'd gently let her know that I miss her, but I trust she'll recognize someday that I would never say something negative about her, and I was set up.

 

Then I'd let it go and move forward to build on the skills I enjoyed during my friendship to seek another friend or two. I'd consider avenues of interest that I'd be willing to explore where I might meet others who share the same interest and can maybe teach me a bit of what they know. Or I'd invest in a cause I care about, and I'd welcome the opportunity to assist with a project or event related to that. A cause is instant common ground with like minded people.

 

When you can expand your scope beyond the people in front of you, you can make different KINDS of friends that meet different needs. As we mature, our days of finding instant intimacy with one bestie are over, because as kids we were blank slates that could homogenize with others. As adults, we've solidified into our own personalities and won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's natural, and it how we learn to accept the limits of others to form basic acquaintances that aren't so intimate. Over time, one or two of those might evolve into a deeper friendship, but most people don't offer premature bonding. So you needn't view that as any deficiency in you, but rather trust that the right friends for you will reveal themselves over time and patience.

 

Meanwhile, decide how miserable you really want to be about a group of so-called friends who don't need to matter that much in the scheme of things. They were a useful stepping stone to teach yourself how to push beyond your imagined limits. So go and do that, and you'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

[ConfusedBrit]

I'm not really clear about what happened, but as a rule of thumb, I avoid groups that gossip. There's no way to avoid becoming an eventual target of someone in those.

 

If you have the opportunity to speak to friend without an audience, I'd gently let her know that I miss her, but I trust she'll recognize someday that I would never say something negative about her, and I was set up.

 

Then I'd let it go and move forward to build on the skills I enjoyed during my friendship to seek another friend or two. I'd consider avenues of interest that I'd be willing to explore where I might meet others who share the same interest and can maybe teach me a bit of what they know. Or I'd invest in a cause I care about, and I'd welcome the opportunity to assist with a project or event related to that. A cause is instant common ground with like minded people.

 

When you can expand your scope beyond the people in front of you, you can make different KINDS of friends that meet different needs. As we mature, our days of finding instant intimacy with one bestie are over, because as kids we were blank slates that could homogenize with others. As adults, we've solidified into our own personalities and won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's natural, and it how we learn to accept the limits of others to form basic acquaintances that aren't so intimate. Over time, one or two of those might evolve into a deeper friendship, but most people don't offer premature bonding. So you needn't view that as any deficiency in you, but rather trust that the right friends for you will reveal themselves over time and patience.

 

Meanwhile, decide how miserable you really want to be about a group of so-called friends who don't need to matter that much in the scheme of things. They were a useful stepping stone to teach yourself how to push beyond your imagined limits. So go and do that, and you'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

 

Jesus Christ wow! I was not expecting advice this good or detailed but wow, thank you, even though it's a few days later, I been kinda self pitying, I needed that, thank you :)