New Territory

[RoneryRover]

Hey everyone. I have never posted on any online forums, but I am in new territory and could use some advice.

 

My girlfriend (ex?) of one year were living together for about four months. We are both 30. Our relationship was good. We never fought. We spent a lot of time together and really enjoyed each other's company. I love her, and she loved me. Then 2 weeks ago she tells me that she has been dealing with some unique issues the last few weeks. I knew about the issues (they have been ongoing throughout our relationship, and we had talked about them before) and knew that sometimes she struggled with them more than other times, but she struggled to truly open up to me, however, I am sympathetic to her unique issues, so I expressed to her that she could be as open with me as she wanted and needed, but that no matter what I love her and I am there for her. She then said that needed some time and space from me. She said that I had done nothing wrong, that she loved me very much, but that she could not be the girlfriend and partner that she thought I needed until she sorted through her issues, felt more independent, and generally get to a place where she could be happy with herself, and she needed time to do that, but she did not know how much time she needed. So, despite a great deal of anguish, I moved out.

 

Since then I have only contacted her twice, both times to retrieve things from her place. However, the first time I reached out I did tell her that I missed her and that I still loved her, but that if her feeling had changed or she no longer saw a future with us being together than I understand because I truly just want her to be happy, even if that is without me. She replied that she still loved me very much too, and that she did not think that this was a forever goodbye.

 

I just don't know how to approach this. This is really difficult for me because I still love her very much, more than anything, and she said that she still loves me too. But if she loves me then why does she want to work through these difficult issues on her own? Why does she want to isolate herself?

 

I don't know what to do. How much time do I give her? Do I go NC until she decides to contact me? Is this over or is this really just a break?

 

Thanks for any advice. Its nice to get this out of me too.

 

Ronery Rover

[DanZee]

This is the way a lot of women break up. The way girls are is that they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and they don't like to end friendships, but to translate from woman-speak to man-speak, she's breaking up with you.

 

The problem is men take what women say at face value thinking, oh, she just needs time to think things over and then she'll come back. That's not what she's doing. She's putting distance between you two and that's very significant and symbolic. It means she's moving away from you both physically and mentally.

 

I'm sorry, but you should probably stay No Contact, block her from your social media and start the healing process to recover from this break up.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What are these issues and did you know about them before moving in? What did she mean by "not be the girlfriend and partner that she thought I needed"? Unfortunately it sounds like you rushed to move into her place. It's good you moved out and gave her the space she asked for.

My girlfriend (ex?) of one year were living together for about four months. she could not be the girlfriend and partner that she thought I needed until she sorted through her issues, felt more independent, and generally get to a place where she could be happy with herself, and she needed time to do that, but she did not know how much time she needed.

[RoneryRover]

@DanZee What I am afraid of is that you might be right. I want to believe that she is sincere in her desire to work things out, but I have been left in a place of near complete uncertainty. Either way, I think you are right about the NC. It sucks, but what can you do...

 

@Wiseman2 Even though this is an anonymous forum, I don't feel like I should discuss exactly what her particular issues are. Lets just leave it as she did not have a high sense of self-worth. I think what she meant by "not be the girlfriend and partner that she thought I needed" was that she felt inadequate and that I needed to be with someone who did not have the issues she had. That being said, I told her that I loved her in her entirety, including those aspects of herself that she deemed inadequate or flawed. She had already made up her mind though, so I had to go. As for being too eager to move into her place, she was actually the one who asked me to move in with her. I thought it was a bit soon because we had only been dating for about 7 months, but I decided to go for it. I do wonder if our having moved in together so quickly put pressure on things, though I must admit that I did not sense any tension or pressure from it, but maybe I just wasn't perceptive to it.

[DancingFool]

I think you need to accept that it's both, she has personal issues that make her unsuitable as a partner and that she very much meant to end things with you for reasons she isn't willing to share with you. Basically, the relationship wasn't working for her and it's not necessarily about you as a person or bf. When someone asks you to move out, it's over. It's not a break, it's a break up regardless of how she sugarcoats it for you.

 

Treat this as over for good and live as if you are moving on. Cut contact and give her what she wants - all the space in the world. I mean if she ever wants to reach out to you and try to rekindle something, you are always free to evaluate if that's something you even want at that point. Who knows - once over the break up you might realize that things weren't that good and you don't actually want her back after all.