alwaysth Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 Last year around this time I lost my mom. I also reconnected with an old hs flame/boyfriend. We spent the better part of the year being "friends with benefits" Around Christmas we become "official" The issue is he works on a fishing boat in Alaska, we are in NH. So it was very difficult to do and he kept saying he didn't want a relationship. We broke up a few weeks ago. He is due home in May and it sounds like he is willing to see me, I doubt he will be willing to give it another shot. I started doing NC for a few when something traumatic happened and I contacted him in a state of confusion and worry. He was there for me and is walking me through this, but should I try NC again to try to get him back? He assures me he loves me and it's just so hard for him to give me what I need while away. OR should I keep talking to him like normal and hope when he comes back we can fix things? Link to comment
Young mind Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 Hi there, I'm sorry for your loss, I believe you need something constant , might not be a boyfriend, even a friend you can Lean on in times you feel down. Do you have any other alternatives? Such as friends you can confide in?. Link to comment
alwaysth Posted March 28, 2018 Author Share Posted March 28, 2018 Yes, but he was my best. So it's difficult to give him up right now. I want to do whatever what might help me get him back as well. Link to comment
GoodGumbo Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 "he kept saying he didn't want a relationship"... That is what you should focus on. When a person, male or female, says that, they generally mean it. If you want a relationship and he doesn't it will not work out and you will start all over. "he sounds like he is willing to see me" - yeah, I'll bet he is. He will expect a return to the FWB relationship and you will be hurt again. "I doubt he will be willing to give it another shot" - stick with this thought. You need to break contact - when he gets back in May let him look you up and pursue you! You tell him something to the effect that you really enjoyed him and the relationship you had but, you are wanting a relationship and you know he isn't. Tell him when he is ready to be in a relationship with me, then we can get together if you haven't found someone else.. it is important to move on and not wait for him - and let him know that by saying, "If I haven't found someone else". You have a rare advantage with him being in Alaska - he has very slim pickings... You should have an abundance there in NH. Link to comment
alwaysth Posted March 28, 2018 Author Share Posted March 28, 2018 i know this is the mindset i should focus on. i hate that he knows something bad happened to me. I want him to think i am doing well. I think everyone wants their ex to think they're doing well. right? Link to comment
alwaysth Posted March 28, 2018 Author Share Posted March 28, 2018 I've been reading all sorts of ex boyfriend recovery advice, etc. It says to use social media to look like your best self and stuff. And of course NC Link to comment
Giblesp Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 Speaking from experience, only accept solid relationships when your going through bereavement. Discard the rest, they'll only make it worse. Link to comment
alwaysth Posted March 28, 2018 Author Share Posted March 28, 2018 I understand, I told myself that too. At first, I didn't want one either. Then he would keep bringing it up and I would say no, but then slowly I felt like it could would be good with him. I also didnt know that he was abusing drugs, and has since stopped. So i know people will say forget about him for the this alone, that he needs to work on himself. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 So it was very difficult to do and he kept saying he didn't want a relationship. We broke up a few weeks ago. He is due home in May and it sounds like he is willing to see me, I doubt he will be willing to give it another shot. it's just so hard for him to give me what I need while away. OR should I keep talking to him like normal and hope when he comes back we can fix things? It sounds like - at best it wasn't very good. The fact you think his interest is doubtful isn't a good sign either. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 I've been reading all sorts of ex boyfriend recovery advice, etc. It says to use social media to look like your best self and stuff. And of course NC Nah, he will know exactly what you are doing and it will come across as fake. Everyone knows that trick; when an ex really doesn't want to be with you, it won't work. Going No Contact also isn't going to bring back a person whose interest is already low either. He wasn't all in to begin with. It would be far better if you accepted this and worked on your healing. He told you he didn't want a relationship, gave it a go, and decided he wanted out. This isn't a guy who is going to suddenly commit again when he wasn't totally on the same page as you anyway. You need to begin leaning on other people in your life. Obviously he responded after you had a bad experience because it sounds like he does care about you, but he doesn't want the Boyfriend role. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 i know this is the mindset i should focus on. i hate that he knows something bad happened to me. I want him to think i am doing well. I think everyone wants their ex to think they're doing well. right? Nope. When the issue is this, "he kept saying he didn't want a relationship.," then whatever he thinks of you going forward is irrelevant. Link to comment
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