Gymgirl71 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 After almost 2 years of enduring my boyfriends controlling and emotionally abusuve behavior, I have decided to end it. I left him his notice and mailed it as well. I know this is the right thing to do, but wish I didn’t feel so lonely, empty and broken inside. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 The only way out of feeling like that is to carry through with this and remove this toxic person from your life for good. You can't be happy, you can't have a healthy relationship, you can't have the happy life that you want when you are bogged down with someone who is determined to use you and abuse you and gets off on that power trip. Be ready for tears, begging, pleading to change and other assorted drama and putting on a show of how he can be good and all you want. Abusive psychopaths are very good at putting on that kind of a show and getting under your skin. They've studied you and know your weaknesses. No matter what he throws your way, remember that it is ALL an act, intended to manipulate you and bring you back under his control. Just say no to all of it. Keep your mind firmly on the life that you want and know that you can never have that life for was long as this POS is in your life. I hope that will give you enough strength to stay the course and get rid of him for good. Remember we are here for you. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Reread your previous threads. Cannot be more empty than that Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 The only way out of feeling like that is to carry through with this and remove this toxic person from your life for good. You can't be happy, you can't have a healthy relationship, you can't have the happy life that you want when you are bogged down with someone who is determined to use you and abuse you and gets off on that power trip. Be ready for tears, begging, pleading to change and other assorted drama and putting on a show of how he can be good and all you want. Abusive psychopaths are very good at putting on that kind of a show and getting under your skin. They've studied you and know your weaknesses. No matter what he throws your way, remember that it is ALL an act, intended to manipulate you and bring you back under his control. Just say no to all of it. Keep your mind firmly on the life that you want and know that you can never have that life for was long as this POS is in your life. I hope that will give you enough strength to stay the course and get rid of him for good. Remember we are here for you. Thank you...I am not going to allow myself to fall victim to his abuse. For once, I am going to stick up for myself and do what is right and will make me happy again. Actually, what is ironic is my sister is going through the same thing and she kicked her bf out and he is homeless. He has been texting her begging her, saying he loves her, wants to marry her, etc but she said no way. It sucks, but this is my fault for letting it go on this long, so I will have to deal with the emotions. The red flags were there. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 Reread your previous threads. Cannot be more empty than that It sure isn't. I have been feeling like I literally have no life. He isn't really loving to me except for when its convenient for him and he is a mean person. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Now, it is time to understand what attracted/kept you in this dynamic. Perhaps, some therapy, reconnecting with friends, finding new interests and being more social. No dating for at least 6 months. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 Now, it is time to understand what attracted/kept you in this dynamic. Perhaps, some therapy, reconnecting with friends, finding new interests and being more social. No dating for at least 6 months. I am going to see a therapist next week. I am not going to even think of dating until at least a year. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I am going to see a therapist next week. I am not going to even think of dating until at least a year. That's terrific! As for dating, not dating and how long.... It's important to take a break and get your head screwed on straight. At the same time, it's not a good idea to stay away so long that you become desperately lonely and willing to latch on to any warm body willing because that will not end well for you all over again. There is really no magic amount of time to stay away from dating - more of work with your therapist and go dip a toe in the dating pool when you feel ready for it. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I am going to see a therapist next week. I am not going to even think of dating until at least a year. Good for you! Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 That's terrific! As for dating, not dating and how long.... It's important to take a break and get your head screwed on straight. At the same time, it's not a good idea to stay away so long that you become desperately lonely and willing to latch on to any warm body willing because that will not end well for you all over again. There is really no magic amount of time to stay away from dating - more of work with your therapist and go dip a toe in the dating pool when you feel ready for it.That's what I did wrong with this one, not making the same mistake. I started dating him 3 months after me and my ex split and he moved in too fast. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 That's what I did wrong with this one, not making the same mistake. I started dating him 3 months after me and my ex split and he moved in too fast. Yikes. Maybe in the future make it a rule that there will be no moving in whatsoever until at least 1.5 years and then it's only that you will think about it, not that you'll actually do it. Also, make sure that you hash out before any moving in how the bills will split, how the chores will be split. Not a romantic conversation, but if you can't discuss these kind of things and see eye to eye on that, then that will be your big clue that you aren't with the right person and shouldn't bother with living together at all. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 Yikes. Maybe in the future make it a rule that there will be no moving in whatsoever until at least 1.5 years and then it's only that you will think about it, not that you'll actually do it. Also, make sure that you hash out before any moving in how the bills will split, how the chores will be split. Not a romantic conversation, but if you can't discuss these kind of things and see eye to eye on that, then that will be your big clue that you aren't with the right person and shouldn't bother with living together at all. I have a friend whom thinks its better when the man has his own place and moves you in with him. Maybe....but anyways, bills should be split well mostly 50/50 within reason. But if they treat you like a piece of garbage then it doesn't matter how much they want to pay not happening. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I have a friend whom thinks its better when the man has his own place and moves you in with him. Maybe....but anyways, bills should be split well mostly 50/50 within reason. But if they treat you like a piece of garbage then it doesn't matter how much they want to pay not happening. Ask your friend what she suggests you do if the relationship doesn't work out and you have nowhere to live. Or, the guy turns out to be like the guy you're currently living with except YOU are the one who becomes homeless. I think it's too soon to think about living with someone else. Has he responded yet to your notice of eviction? How much time did you give him to move out? Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 Ask your friend what she suggests you do if the relationship doesn't work out and you have nowhere to live. Or, the guy turns out to be like the guy you're currently living with except YOU are the one who becomes homeless. I think it's too soon to think about living with someone else. Has he responded yet to your notice of eviction? How much time did you give him to move out? I don’t really agree with her, because I wouldn’t feel secure. Unless at some point I decide to get married then maybe. Right now, I’m fine living alone and having my own place. He has 30 days which is pretty standard Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Is that necessary since he didn't pay rent ? Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 Is that necessary since he didn't pay rent ? He contributes to household and has lived with me more than 30 days so yes. Anyways, he responded to my notice acted like “it’s no big deal” and “he isn’t taking it personal” and how he was already making plans on getting someone to help him move his stuff out little by little. What a d****e Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 He contributes to household and has lived with me more than 30 days so yes. Anyways, he responded to my notice acted like “it’s no big deal” and “he isn’t taking it personal” and how he was already making plans on getting someone to help him move his stuff out little by little. What a d****e Why is that d-baggy? Don't you WANT him out? You didn't want him to beg or start his "good guy" act or blame you...did you? Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 Why is that d-baggy? Don't you WANT him out? You didn't want him to beg or start his "good guy" act or blame you...did you? heck no! So guess tough guy act better anyways. Easier for me to move on! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Yeah. Why would you want him to fight it? This is easier. Did you want him to beg? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Now that he's insisting on sleeping with you, how successful do you feel you'll be in staying strong this time? Link to comment
GoodGumbo Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I hope you are able to stay strong and I am sending you virtual strength! I am dealing with a similar situation in that I do believe my ex guy is toxic and a manipulator. I am hesitant to out and out call him that as I am trying not to judge too harshly because a bit of it is the fact that I am bitter that he didn't want me enough to not try to reset my boundaries. I wasn't asking him to change behaviors - well i guess i was, i was asking him not to hurt me through behaviors and he said he wouldn't but did anyway with the same behaviors. See, that is the kind of confusion a manipulator leaves you in.. Everyday when i hurt I remind myself that i only have to go through this painful process once if I so choose- if I reach out or give in, I WILL BE GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN!!! and again and again until I can love myself enough not to allow anyone to hurt me anymore. After so many times and so much hurt, I become the person responsible for hurting me, not them! Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 Yeah. Why would you want him to fight it? This is easier. Did you want him to beg? Nol way! I have had enough of that. False promises. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 I hope you are able to stay strong and I am sending you virtual strength! I am dealing with a similar situation in that I do believe my ex guy is toxic and a manipulator. I am hesitant to out and out call him that as I am trying not to judge too harshly because a bit of it is the fact that I am bitter that he didn't want me enough to not try to reset my boundaries. I wasn't asking him to change behaviors - well i guess i was, i was asking him not to hurt me through behaviors and he said he wouldn't but did anyway with the same behaviors. See, that is the kind of confusion a manipulator leaves you in.. Everyday when i hurt I remind myself that i only have to go through this painful process once if I so choose- if I reach out or give in, I WILL BE GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN!!! and again and again until I can love myself enough not to allow anyone to hurt me anymore. After so many times and so much hurt, I become the person responsible for hurting me, not them! It is a vicious cycle that never ends. They will never change or take responsibility because they don't think there is anything wrong with the way they are treating you/behaving. The last straw for me was the other night, when he was taunting me and treating me/talking to me like a child. Bottom line, we just need to get away from eachother. He is better off with someone else. Actually, I don't wish that on anyone, because he doesn't know how to treat anyone. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 Now that he's insisting on sleeping with you, how successful do you feel you'll be in staying strong this time? he wont sleep with me. I told him I am sleeping in MY ROOM. he knows I am done. He can think what he wants, this time its done. Link to comment
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