I'm badly stuck after this breakup. Please help

[skinnygirl19]

It's been three months and now almost four of my breakup and I can't seem to be moving forward. We started dating in 2015 and we're together for a year till he first split up with me on the month of april last year. We were having fights true but I thought it was just another fight till he literally went cold on me that time said he needed some time his family was pressuring him not to b with me. Later when I checked his account I found out he was already in a relationship with this another girl and saw that msg. The pain and shock and everything I felt that time still feels the same now typing this. Then it was over but he would still keep contact with me. It was long distance because he had college somewhere else and I was in our hometown ( we have the same hometown ) we met through Facebook and just got to know each other. So when he came back to hometown for holidays after like a month he kept ringing me up. I realise now it was just because of our hometown and memories we had throughout here that made him ache and as for me I wasn't over him either but refused to meet at first because he was still with her but he said at that time it was for the last time then you can go so i decided to meet him. Needed a private place to talk so went to his place and ended up getting back together with him while he was still with her.

 

He went back to college and broke up with her and we kinda like got back together from the month of august last year except it was already over because everything had already changed. He was totally different I still held on because I loved him. Till he shifted from his college hostel to his apartment and then everything had changed. Idk since when he had been cheating on me or should i even say that because he kept us hidden. Then he started whispering on his phone while talking to me when shifted to his new apartment. So it wasn't working he wasn't here for me at all would switch off his phone get lost. I broke it off on the end of november last year thinking he would try to talk me back but then later after a few days he made it official with her on ig and everywhere. Idk since when it had been going on i was sick at that time was diagnosed with infection in my lung nodule but he didn't care at all. What sucks more is he like actually uploaded pictures with her but when we were together he didn't do that for me and probably thought I wasn't worth it but she was. That feeling sucks. He reached out to me on December 31st saying he missed me that night cause we spent new year together last to last year and also said he lived with her now. I wished him a happy new year and then blocked him. He would call me sometimes all of sudden till I changed my number on the first of feb and he sent me follow req with photos of her on his profile picture. I declined and since the Feb month I've stopped all contact. i stalked his account last month and what i saw tore me down completely. He went to roam places with her. Uploaded a highlight story with them in hotel room and in one of the videos he was in a towel and applying lotion on her legs. I had like a panic attack seeing all that.

 

At that moment i realised he moved way ahead and it was just me who's stuck horribly when I was the one who did everything to keep him (I swear theres alot) Then I've taken myself out of every social media also because I had actually dropped a year after high school to prepare for my medical exam for admission to medical college. In all these that's happening i haven't done anything much but study for this exam. Haven't been able to hangout anywhere because my exam is on May and the syllabus is huge. I have so many expectations on me from my dad mom family after all i dropped a year and it's been so difficult to deal with all that's happened at the same time I just can't type in words how much pain I've felt. It hurts so much there's been nights I can't sleep and that night he's having sex with her or loving her or cuddling. It's hard for me because this was my first relationship. I thought we had a future. I didn't know he was already over me long time ago because of the fights. I did fight alot and sometimes I feel like it's my fault and maybe I deserve this. I'm all alone because I don't any contact with any friends. All thats in my life rn is studies and pressure. I'm so scared I'm not gonna get this college and it's gonna be so shameful in front of my relatives. Also dealing with all this at same time is killing me. Idk if I even have accepted its over or even want to move on even after all the pain I've been through. I seriously feel like im not good at anything and I cant do better. I hate myself for being stuck like this because it's been months I haven't spoken to him over a phone call but i still remember his voice. I just cant understand how he could just do that so easily with someone else. I couldve never ever done that. Guess it was cause i was too serious but he wasnt and got over me. The first time he split up it was so brutally there was alot that happened and thinking back now idk how i survived that. At that time i jad friends now theyre all gone. Now im writing here hurt and lost but hes there enjoying with her and has gone way ahead. It's not even his fault he doesnt feel for me anymore. I don't think anyone else will even love me cause I'm not worth it. how do i find acceptance and move on? I ve been going back and forth with this for months and I think about him every single day because im still in the same homwtown. what do i do to get past this? How do i love myself more?

[melancholy123]

Please break your wall of text into at least two paragraphs if you want some replies.

[Sub servant]

It just takes time, I would stop torturing yourself looking on his page & videos ect you say you blocked him do that again. Sometimes it's just getting up putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on that's all we can do but it will pass try find other things to take your mind off him, he's not treated you with respect as he's seeing someone else. I think we are all worth so much more than what's being offered here. When I accepted mine was over (it was long term) every person I spoke to was about him, he had so much space in my head but I got bored of hearing myself. Just get through one day at a time. I assure you it does get easier x

[11moreweeks]

It's been three months and now almost four of my breakup and I can't seem to be moving forward. We started dating in 2015 and we're together for a year till he first split up with me on the month of april last year.

Breaking up with you, and then getting back together with you, is part of the reason you are having a hard time letting go. That is his fault. Shame on him.

 

Later when I checked his account I found out he was already in a relationship with this another girl and saw that msg. The pain and shock and everything I felt that time still feels the same now typing this. Then it was over but he would still keep contact with me. It was long distance because he had college somewhere else and I was in our hometown ( we have the same hometown ) we met through Facebook and just got to know each other. So when he came back to hometown for holidays after like a month he kept ringing me up. I realise now it was just because of our hometown and memories we had throughout here that made him ache and as for me I wasn't over him either but refused to meet at first because he was still with her but he said at that time it was for the last time then you can go so i decided to meet him. Needed a private place to talk so went to his place and ended up getting back together with him while he was still with her. He went back to college and broke up with her and we kinda like got back together from the month of august last year except it was already over because everything had already changed. He was totally different I still held on because I loved him. Till he shifted from his college hostel to his apartment and then everything had changed.

So he wants more than one girl. Shameful. It shows impatience and selfishness that he did this to you. Seems like he wants a convenient girlfriend rather for his own benefits rather than a true partnership.

 

Idk since when he had been cheating on me or should i even say that because he kept us hidden.

Yes, you should say this. He was basically two-timing.

Then he started whispering on his phone while talking to me when shifted to his new apartment. So it wasn't working he wasn't here for me at all would switch off his phone get lost. I broke it off on the end of november last year thinking he would try to talk me back but then later after a few days he made it official with her on ig and everywhere. Idk since when it had been going on i was sick at that time was diagnosed with infection in my lung nodule but he didn't care at all.

Yep, inconvenient for him, so he destroys things and makes you hurt. I wouldn't want to build a relationship with that.

 

What sucks more is he like actually uploaded pictures with her but when we were together he didn't do that for me and probably thought I wasn't worth it but she was. That feeling sucks. He reached out to me on December 31st saying he missed me that night cause we spent new year together last to last year and also said he lived with her now. I wished him a happy new year and then blocked him. He would call me sometimes all of sudden till I changed my number on the first of feb and he sent me follow req with photos of her on his profile picture. I declined and since the Feb month I've stopped all contact.

Seems like no one is good enough for him. He wants everything. You shouldn't internalize this as inadequacy -- he's treating everyone involved badly

 

i stalked his account last month and what i saw tore me down completely. He went to roam places with her. Uploaded a highlight story with them in hotel room and in one of the videos he was in a towel and applying lotion on her legs. I had like a panic attack seeing all that. At that moment i realised he moved way ahead and it was just me who's stuck horribly when I was the one who did everything to keep him (I swear theres alot)

I'm sure you know that looking at his social media account was a risk. It's probably in his head that you'll see that stuff, so he's hoping for a reaction to keep another girl at his fingertips. The other girl might be getting all this "special treatment" and fast moving intimacy, while his heart is clearly not committed to anyone but himself, because perhaps that what keeps her hanging around him. I have a feeling he's either going to hurt her too, or she's going to burn out of interest in him and he's going to run back to.. well, anyone who he runs back to, including you. Not worth it.

 

Then I've taken myself out of every social media also because I had actually dropped a year after high school to prepare for my medical exam for admission to medical college. In all these that's happening i haven't done anything much but study for this exam. Haven't been able to hangout anywhere because my exam is on May and the syllabus is huge. I have so many expectations on me from my dad mom family after all i dropped a year and it's been so difficult to deal with all that's happened at the same time I just can't type in words how much pain I've felt. It hurts so much there's been nights I can't sleep and that night he's having sex with her or loving her or cuddling. It's hard for me because this was my first relationship. I thought we had a future. I didn't know he was already over me long time ago because of the fights. I did fight alot and sometimes I feel like it's my fault and maybe I deserve this. I'm all alone because I don't any contact with any friends. All thats in my life rn is studies and pressure. I'm so scared I'm not gonna get this college and it's gonna be so shameful in front of my relatives. Also dealing with all this at same time is killing me. Idk if I even have accepted its over or even want to move on even after all the pain I've been through. I seriously feel like im not good at anything and I cant do better. I hate myself for being stuck like this because it's been months I haven't spoken to him over a phone call but i still remember his voice. I just cant understand how he could just do that so easily with someone else. I couldve never ever done that. Guess it was cause i was too serious but he wasnt and got over me. The first time he split up it was so brutally there was alot that happened and thinking back now idk how i survived that. At that time i jad friends now theyre all gone. Now im writing here hurt and lost but hes there enjoying with her and has gone way ahead. It's not even his fault he doesnt feel for me anymore. I don't think anyone else will even love me cause I'm not worth it. how do i find acceptance and move on? I ve been going back and forth with this for months and I think about him every single day because im still in the same homwtown. what do i do to get past this? How do i love myself more?

 

1: I'm in a pretty similar boat here where I'm trying to deal with a really difficult breakup, after my first relationship, while trying to get my education. I feel very isolated and alone quite regularly because my ex was my world. For me, it's more home stress and graduating being a means to escape a broken home, but it's still unreal that I have to deal with all this pain/pressure all alone (after so much time with my ex helping me) while maintaining good grades and etc. I dealt with it partially by taking stuff off my plate and forcing more interactions with people/friends, making new friends. I slightly worsened my university results to make myself feel less alone and do better. And, as the website's motto says, you are not alone.

2: Sounds like he wants everything he can get from any girl he's with or could be with. He just seems selfish and he's probably taking advantage of this new girl if they are being very intimate. You could reframe those thoughts as thinking you did something wrong as perhaps feeling kinda bad for both of them.

3: Maybe you are prone to fighting and maybe that was something that he didn't like about the relationship, but that wouldn't justify what he's doing and done to you and this other girl (or these other girls). Acknowledging some of your own faults and improving on them so you have a better/happier relationship in the future is a positive thought. Don't tear yourself up, though.

4: It's normal to miss an ex for a long time, especially if the attachment was high due to stress and if the ex was good at keeping you attached (which could be a bad trait -- it could be manipulative). A few months is not a long time. My mindset is, "6 months after the main sources of stress in life are gone". For me, that means I won't feel okay from my breakup until November or so, so 1 full year after being broken up with. When you get through your initial studies and get into a program, and leave your hometown, then you will start truly healing and living a new life, I think.

4.5: It may be worth it to slow down a little bit and make yourself a bit happier, with new experiences and time with friends (not dating). It worked for me and I don't feel nearly as bad as before.

5: I think you have plenty of reason to love yourself. You're hard-working, you're on a good path in life, I personally think you'll get into a good program (maybe not your immediate choice of program [but work towards your goals!], but your hard work will pay off, even if you have to pivot during the process) and I think you'll be able to push through, just as you had the strength to do so before. And maybe he was never as serious about the relationship as you were, which says bad things about him and positive things about you, in my opinion. A couple months ago, I was complaining to a friend about the pain of unrequited love, and he said that only says good things about me as a person. A loving, successful, hard-working, and committed person is someone that many people could fall in love with, especially yourself. You seem to have plenty of positive personality traits that you should feel good about. It's also a good sign of discipline and you seem to think about the future in a really good way, what with opting to go no contact with your ex, with thinking about the future in relationships, and with working towards a program.

6: As another poster said, your post was something of a wall-of-text and was difficult to read through. It's understandable, though -- if you are stressed, feel isolated, and are bursting, then you can forgive yourself if you burst. However, you mentioned that you'd fight a lot too -- perhaps your communication could be improved, both in posts and in person (to avoid fighting) if you took a step back when you get emotional / feel like you might burst, think things through a little bit (even a while if necessary), and try to prepare your statements more.

6.5: I'm not a psychologist, and I'm not a therapist. You should consider getting one -- they'll help you not feel alone, help you organize your thoughts/feelings, and help you learn to deal with stress in a healthier way.

 

You're not alone, so don't feel alone! Just keep pushing through. If you ever feel alone, this forum is full of supportive and understanding people who will be able to tell you that, yeah, it's all okay, just keep working towards it. It hurts now, but the worst part of it is probably over, you've survived before, and you have things to look forward to (even if the exact things you expect do not come as you expect them).

[canadaman815]

I'm sorry to hear it's been so hard to go through this break-up. It sounds like there was a lot of conflict and dishonesty in the relationship, and now that it's over, it can be a good time for self-reflection and future thinking. I definitely think you took the right path by choosing to continue with your career, regardless of what others may think. Though it's not easy to accept, it can certainly take time, ranging from months to years, to process the break-up and be able to move on (I speak from experience).

 

Do you feel severely depressed over this? If so, do you think it might be helpful to try counseling or mentoring, if you don't have a supportive friend group? Hoping for the best for your future, and that you will find someone deserving of your love and efforts.

[skinnygirl19]

I quite don't know how to use this. I'll make sure of t next time. I have question.. how do i change my username?

[skinnygirl19]

Breaking up with you, and then getting back together with you, is part of the reason you are having a hard time letting go. That is his fault. Shame on him.

 

 

So he wants more than one girl. Shameful. It shows impatience and selfishness that he did this to you. Seems like he wants a convenient girlfriend rather for his own benefits rather than a true partnership.

 

 

Yes, you should say this. He was basically two-timing.

 

Yep, inconvenient for him, so he destroys things and makes you hurt. I wouldn't want to build a relationship with that.

 

 

Seems like no one is good enough for him. He wants everything. You shouldn't internalize this as inadequacy -- he's treating everyone involved badly

 

 

I'm sure you know that looking at his social media account was a risk. It's probably in his head that you'll see that stuff, so he's hoping for a reaction to keep another girl at his fingertips. The other girl might be getting all this "special treatment" and fast moving intimacy, while his heart is clearly not committed to anyone but himself, because perhaps that what keeps her hanging around him. I have a feeling he's either going to hurt her too, or she's going to burn out of interest in him and he's going to run back to.. well, anyone who he runs back to, including you. Not worth it.

 

 

 

1: I'm in a pretty similar boat here where I'm trying to deal with a really difficult breakup, after my first relationship, while trying to get my education. I feel very isolated and alone quite regularly because my ex was my world. For me, it's more home stress and graduating being a means to escape a broken home, but it's still unreal that I have to deal with all this pain/pressure all alone (after so much time with my ex helping me) while maintaining good grades and etc. I dealt with it partially by taking stuff off my plate and forcing more interactions with people/friends, making new friends. I slightly worsened my university results to make myself feel less alone and do better. And, as the website's motto says, you are not alone.

2: Sounds like he wants everything he can get from any girl he's with or could be with. He just seems selfish and he's probably taking advantage of this new girl if they are being very intimate. You could reframe those thoughts as thinking you did something wrong as perhaps feeling kinda bad for both of them.

3: Maybe you are prone to fighting and maybe that was something that he didn't like about the relationship, but that wouldn't justify what he's doing and done to you and this other girl (or these other girls). Acknowledging some of your own faults and improving on them so you have a better/happier relationship in the future is a positive thought. Don't tear yourself up, though.

4: It's normal to miss an ex for a long time, especially if the attachment was high due to stress and if the ex was good at keeping you attached (which could be a bad trait -- it could be manipulative). A few months is not a long time. My mindset is, "6 months after the main sources of stress in life are gone". For me, that means I won't feel okay from my breakup until November or so, so 1 full year after being broken up with. When you get through your initial studies and get into a program, and leave your hometown, then you will start truly healing and living a new life, I think.

4.5: It may be worth it to slow down a little bit and make yourself a bit happier, with new experiences and time with friends (not dating). It worked for me and I don't feel nearly as bad as before.

5: I think you have plenty of reason to love yourself. You're hard-working, you're on a good path in life, I personally think you'll get into a good program (maybe not your immediate choice of program [but work towards your goals!], but your hard work will pay off, even if you have to pivot during the process) and I think you'll be able to push through, just as you had the strength to do so before. And maybe he was never as serious about the relationship as you were, which says bad things about him and positive things about you, in my opinion. A couple months ago, I was complaining to a friend about the pain of unrequited love, and he said that only says good things about me as a person. A loving, successful, hard-working, and committed person is someone that many people could fall in love with, especially yourself. You seem to have plenty of positive personality traits that you should feel good about. It's also a good sign of discipline and you seem to think about the future in a really good way, what with opting to go no contact with your ex, with thinking about the future in relationships, and with working towards a program.

6: As another poster said, your post was something of a wall-of-text and was difficult to read through. It's understandable, though -- if you are stressed, feel isolated, and are bursting, then you can forgive yourself if you burst. However, you mentioned that you'd fight a lot too -- perhaps your communication could be improved, both in posts and in person (to avoid fighting) if you took a step back when you get emotional / feel like you might burst, think things through a little bit (even a while if necessary), and try to prepare your statements more.

6.5: I'm not a psychologist, and I'm not a therapist. You should consider getting one -- they'll help you not feel alone, help you organize your thoughts/feelings, and help you learn to deal with stress in a healthier way.

 

You're not alone, so don't feel alone! Just keep pushing through. If you ever feel alone, this forum is full of supportive and understanding people who will be able to tell you that, yeah, it's all okay, just keep working towards it. It hurts now, but the worst part of it is probably over, you've survived before, and you have things to look forward to (even if the exact things you expect do not come as you expect them).

 

Thank you so much for replying. I don't know why am i still stuck. I'm just so surprised that who I was with for a year was not him. I'm so hurt and I'm still in the past. I mean it was a year ago that we were strong together but now I'm just here while he's totally gone and a different person now.

Just right now I was arguing with my mom and then she kept bringing his name up saying how I made a fool out of myself yet I argue with her and then I told my mom yeah yeah keep talking about him but then my aunt interrupted saying don't bring his name in he's moved way ahead already and is with someone else. THAT SHOT ME DOWN. I REALISED IM STILL STUCK AGAIN. She does check his account I guess sometimes and just said that to stop me and my mom fighting but that was the truth.

I just don't understand how I got to this bad position. I'm not using any of my social media because I have exams as well but he's doing good. Is happy. Is with someone else. I'm defeated. I lost this. I'm just so sunken I don't know how to get out of this. I wanna feel better. Why has this affected me so badly is what i don't understand. Guess its cause I'm alone?

 

Why is it that I'm posting on sites while he's there happy with someone else already. How could he be a person like that? I did more than what i could for him and I don't know why I deserved this. I need to move ahead. I'm just hurt rn and couldn't study at all today I have a month for my exam. I think I'm weak and not strong enough to move on. I dont have enough cash for therapy rn

[Carus]

So sorry for your pain...Most of us here know it all too well....

 

Like 11* said, the back and forth is what has driven it a bit deeper...Happened to me as well and I still suffer....

 

3-4 months is not that long when that's been going on and also when you've had an attachment trauma....

Why is it that I'm posting on sites while he's there happy with someone else already. How could he be a person like that? I did more than what i could for him and I don't know why I deserved this. I need to move ahead. I'm just hurt rn and couldn't study at all today I have a month for my exam. I think I'm weak and not strong enough to move on. I dont have enough cash for therapy rn

He may be happy now whilst you are posting and pining...but I've seen a lot of times that time turns the tables as we deal with our sh*t now...they get to do it later...

 

So hang in there ok....This forum is a great place to get thoughts out and be supported...

Try some of these vids as well: https://www.youtube.com/user/CameroneProductions/videos?view_as=subscriber

Hopefully they may help you*

 

As for changing your username, contact the Mods and they should be able to sort it out for you....

 

Be Kind and Patient with yourself ok*

 

Carus*

[skinnygirl19]

Thank you so much for your words. I seriously don't want him back now but it's just I'm feeling too low about myself for not being wanted and left for someone else. That's the pain.

 

Scared too cause I'm alone rn and it's just scary to be all alone on ur own. I also suffered from anxiety after my grandfather expired so I guess it triggers all this.

 

The thing is rn I'm just all alone and all that's there to do is study so thats why I'm like this rn. Also I've never been through something like this ever.

This was my first serious relationship guess that's why I stuck.