Difficult to let go

[july67]

hey there,

 

I’ve been stuck in a relationship for 16 months now. I don’t know why is it so hard to step away although we had so many rough times. I think I am very dependent on the idea to be loved. The thing is i am not happy with him either. He is extremely jealous of other men but also disagrees with how i lived my life. And i’ve lived my life had boyfriends but also superficial interactions, he insisted we are honest with each other, but once he knew the most intimate details of my life he used them against me all the time. Still i was there, and i still have a hard time stepping away from him, although now since a week we are separated. Why? Because I wanted a faithful man and he is the first one who has offered me that (i’ve been in so much pain from being cheated on), because he has given me a lot of affection (an i have been like a dry well in need of that, ever since i was a child), because I am afraid to be hurt again, to not be loved. He likes to say a lot of mean things, and when he’s angry he says i don’t deserve to be a mother. (he knows i would like to build a family). Still I cannot walk away from this man, I love him and somehow I know that deep down in his heart he is just hurt and suffering, and I often excuse his behaviour like that. Right now he we haven’t seen each other for a week because he had a jealousy crisis because of a man he read a year while back in my journal i find attractive. I feel guilty but they were just random thoughts. Any suggestion would help!

[Newtoothis]

I was stuck in a relationship for 10 years, for the first few years I tried to end things on more than one occasion and failed. My ex was obsessive, possessive, jealous all made worse because I could not be fully controlled (I get that me trying to get rid of him and not being able was a form of control but that was the only one) in the end I accepted that it was life and just got on with my own thing with him in the background.

 

What a waste of 10 years that was, I missed all my 20s and regret it so much. But that’s how long it took for me to find my way out and I am a patient person lol.

 

If it’s not right now and never has been it won’t ever be, my advice to you is get out now. Trust me you will regret it, I did.

[july67]

how did you finally manage to do it?

[Wiseman2]

Read up on controlling/abusive relationships. This has all the elements of it. He is hurting you, not loving you. He is not a poor hurt guy, he's a manipulative monster. Stay away and tell your trusted close friends/family what is going on. Immediately change all your passwords. Block and delete him from all messaging platforms and social media.

He is extremely jealous of other men but also disagrees with how i lived my life.

I am afraid to be hurt again, to not be loved.

He likes to say a lot of mean things, and when he’s angry he says i don’t deserve to be a mother.

[Hollyj]

You are making excuses for his behavior. He is emotionally abusive and a bully. He enjoys hurting you, because this is who he is.

 

If you want love, then why are you with him?

 

You need to understand that you are the common denominator. You continue to choose abusive partners, due to low self esteem. i suggest you get therapy and be single, until you can yourself to a better place.

 

Get out!!!!!!

[catfeeder]

I'd do three things first:

1) I'd project my focus onto a future vision of myself enjoying the loving relationship I deserve, and I'd fixate on that whenever I'm tempted to get back with lousy BF.

 

2) I'd seek counseling: if you're in school your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus, and if you've been flirting with the idea of returning to school, there's no time like the present. Otherwise, I'd contact a local women's shelter or a domestic violence agency easily found on the web for a referral to a counselor trained in women's dependency issues.

 

3) I'd form a list of goals and ideas of coping skills I want to research and develop, interests I want to explore, projects I want to involve myself in, ways to meet and make new friends--a whole 'to do' list of self development that will reinforce my self esteem and teach me my own value. This will fortify you to appreciate yourself solo, which will raise your bar on who you're willing to date. It will sharpen your screening skills and enable you to allow wrong matches to pass early instead of latching onto them.

 

We each hold unique value and we all have weaknesses. Those of us who can accept our weaknesses as part of being human rather than casting ourselves as damaged victims are able to challenge ourselves to overcome those weaknesses that sabotage us the most. Focusing on our value instead of what's lacking in our lives helps us climb to higher ground and gain wiser perspective rather than ruminate and drill ourselves into deeper holes to climb out of. Certain fears are natural, but you're in control of whether you'll want to make the effort to minimize those or amplify them. It's a decision.

 

Head high, you can do this.