Gay, Lonely & Single - Help!

[leicesterstreet]

Hi people,

 

I'm not sure whether you can really assist me with this matter, but I've got nothing to lose by posting on this forum. So here goes.

 

I'm a 25 yr old man who currently lives in Ballarat, Australia. Ballarat is a town of about 80, 000 pple, approximately an hour away from the major capital city (melbourne) of my state.

 

Recently I broke up with my bf about 3-4 months ago. Ever since then I have been miserable and depressed, to be honest. When I first came out when I was about 23 there seemed to be so much hope for me. I guess I was in the mindset of well I've finally accepted my sexuality, so now it's time to find a bf and be happy.

 

I was totally naive of course. When I started dating this guy (phil) I was so happy, more than I ever had been in my whole life. I had a bit of a rough trot as a kid, my father was an abusive alcoholic, and my stepfather was abusive, but in a psychological way, and of course the gay issue on top of all that.

 

My X's reasoning for breaking up was something along the lines of - oh I can't give you the love you need rah rah. which I thought was a tad premature - considering we'd only been dating for a few months. I never told him until after we'd broken up that in fact I did fall in love with him.

 

I guess my main issue now if he doesn't want me is to find somebody else. However this is proving to be an insurmountable task. I get really upset and frustrated by it all. I just want to find a nice guy who I'm actually attracted to and live happily ever after. Maybe I'm being too idealistic.

 

I've done everything in my power to... increase my chances if you will, ie going to gaybars, putting profiles on the net and so forth but no joy. I'm at my wits end here and I don't know what to do. It frustrates me that I have this need to want a relationship. It appears that the majority of other gay guys don't want one so why do i? I can't help but feel that if I was straight a lot of these problems would be eliminated.

 

A lot of my friends would say that I was quite attractive, eligible even (university educated, full time employed) so why do I have so many problems? I can't stand this.

[mgirl]

Welcome to gay life! I have the exact same problem as you and i live in a major city! Although it tends to be easier in a major city i think.

 

My advice is to be happy with who you are and leave yourself open to opportunity so if/when somebody comes along, you will be receptive to it.

 

Being gay is tough, i agree. And we don't necessarily have the same opportunities straight people have, which makes us have to work all that harder to find somebody to be happy with. It is the lack of social support that cripples gay couples, so you both need to be strong and realise this. It seems to be that a lot of gay people are 'afraid' and that is why they turn to that promiscious lifestyle. The sad thing is, they will realise they should have been trying to find love when it is all too late.

 

What i tend to do now is really try to make friends with people and educate them on the pro's and con's of gay life (that it can be fun but be aware that you don't want to be old and lonely). I really try to drill the value of a true friendship into them, because, as you say, if we were heterosexual, things would be easier. Really make them 'think' by asking them questions and putting suggestions into their minds (that it sucks to be old and lonely). You never know, one day something might stick.

 

DON'T let go of your values (because there ARE others like you out there, whether you believe it or not), and see what comes along. You never know... you might be surprised! Don't resort to the type of things most gay people do, because they're wasting their lives.

[stevo84]

My advice to you is that while it may SEEM that other gay men are simply only looking for one particular thing, it's not always the case... that's why it's important to take the time to really get to know a guy... there really are some good guys out there!

 

I am currently going through a simular situation with my ex, who was my fiancé actually, and the truth is, many gay men don't want to committ to a serious relationship, but at the same time, they don't want their ex to find someone new and possibly better. I personally think that this stems from the diffcult psychological consequences of feeling "different" for so much of one's life, and that it takes its toll on relationships. I know it's difficult to do, believe me, but it's best to make a CLEAN BREAK... don't try to be friends right away, and try as much as possible to heal and learn from your relationship!

 

I hope everything does work out, and that you meet your perfect match!

[leicesterstreet]

Hi Guys,

 

I know this is a rather delayed response but just wanted to say thank you for your replies. I have moved to Melbourne now (Australia's second largest city).

 

 

mgirl not to sound bitter but you are right in that gay men in particular are the same everywhere. Do you believe it is as equally difficult for lesbain couples?

 

 

stevo84 how long did you see your fiancee for?

 

The thing that I've noticed that even in the city the Gay Community is oh so small and everyone knows everyone! it's a tad suffocating!

[diider]

hey there, im a melburnian myself(having moved here not too long ago).. im not gay myself.. but my bf who is from Warrnambool has an older brother who is gay and i've been told that the gay community there is not exactly massive.... Well,considering the fact that you are now in Melbourne, I suggest that you hang out at Chapel St (ive been told that they have a pretty good gay community there on the weekens )and attend more events, parties ... My bf's bro found the love of his life at the Mardi Gras ... so yeah, look out for that one next year. If you need to talk, dont be afraid to message me life is tough,for everyone, but it'll all be worth it in the end