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Broken hearted, confused and really just need a shoulder


Roughpatchsw

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Sorry for length. I am trying to put all context in. And getting it out. Helps to get it out. Hurting pretty bad tonight.

 

I'm struggling with a new situation for me. I am not sure if this is best for breakup or getting back together, hence the confusion, but it feels like a breakup and it hurts bad so posting here.

 

I'm a 40 year old male and started dating a 35 year old female in December. At the start she said she had come out of a relationship last year and was still a little raw. I talked to her about it and she wanted to keep dating. It went amazingly well and I followed her lead. It kept getting more intimate and she asked in February how many people I had loved and saw a future with so I told her and said I saw great promise for us and she smiled so, so big it melted my heart and said she did too. Then a few weeks later she said she was going to be busy with school and wouldn't have as much time, which had happened before too so I wasn't worried, but she pulled back really hard. Didn't want to talk except for moments from Sunday to Wednesday. During this time I had a personal crisis where I found something a pastor had left me when I was 10 (think Catholic church) and was really upset and was trying to find way to talk to her about it. We had a good conversation about relationship on a Wednesday afternoon and planned to talk later. Then she went to class and came back just mean. Personal insults were tossed at me right and left and I asked what was up and if she could stop, but continued so I said I was going to go for the night as she had a paper to do and I was just raw. I left phone message to same effect as in library so texting sometimes didn't come through well. She went off and said she told me how sometimes she was an so I knew to expect it. Hadn't seen that side of her before ever.

 

Next day no response to texts or calls. I was right by her house and had stopped by many, many times without calling first. I shouldn't have as upset, but did. I asked if we could talk and she said no she was too busy. I asked when we could talk and she said she didn't know she would be busy until the end of the semester or maybe longer. I got upset and said I really wanted to talk to her because there was a reason I was so upset and she said nothing. I asked if she couldn't spare five minutes and was crying at this point and said it felt like she wouldn't even meet me halfway. She said we would talk when appropriate, but could I leave so I did. I missed the clues earlier, but no bad intentions. Then no contact for days. When I did speak to her she said an ex had pushed his way into her house and later climbed a tree into her window and she had to call police several times and it reminded her of that. But then it turned and she kept/keeps saying it was exactly the same thing. Then I shouldn't have gotten upset over finding that picture from the priest as you just have to get over stuff and getting emotionally activated by some douche is no excuse for my actions.

 

There was silence and anger then small steps forward. Last week we met in person and she said we should maybe do something later, but take it slow. I agreed. During it she said that it was inexcusable and unforgivable what I did because I was so angry and again said it was the exact same thing. I should have left it there, but sent a long message explaining I wasn't mad at all just upset and confused. I asked her to not judge me based on exes actions when I didn't do what he did at all. I never tried to push my way in, never went back, just asked to talk as it was so out of character. The response was to curse me out, tell me it was my actions that were inexcusable, tell I am stupid. Then asked that I don't treat her like an idiot she got it first "ten times I told her" and there is no excuse. Then said she would ignore me if she saw me at mutual event we were attending (giant multi block event so I didn't run into her luckily) then said I shouldn't apologize just do better in future and if I can't then don't bother. Then silence since and that was last Friday.

 

I know this probably seems whiny or silly from outside, especially being so short in length and how strongly she came out with guns blazing at me, but I fell so hard for her. The way she looks at me even last week had people stopping to comment on how in love we looked. It seems like something worth saving, but also like our first fight will be our last. And the pain is real. I did text her yesterday something positive so our last contact wasn't negative, but didn't send anything since last Friday and won't again until she contacts me. I just didn't want to leave it on a bad note personally. I still have slim hope it works out.

 

I know it might be over because she got back in too soon to something serious or there was a lot of damage done by ex. Or I really did mess up. That's possible too. I definitely didn't handle some of it well and tend to be wordy at times so can send long messages trying to explain things (as you can tell). Not going to keep chasing something that won't work. I really respect her and care about her. I'm mainly using this as a shoulder to cry on because I love her. I have been in quite a few relationships and had several long term healthy ones. I don't flippantly fall in love right and left and I don't rush into relationships, but I really fell hard here. This might also be the rebound where it is hot and heavy then icy. I'm getting mixed messages where it is "I don't know what I want" and then "We should go on a date and you come over. You deserve that" (which sounds like a pity date) then "I think we should get to know each other and go on a date" with the look I talked about. I'm not unaware of the risks. Again just need a shoulder because really, really, really down tonight. Especially about the insults and insistence I am the same as an abusive ex when I left when asked and have never insulted her personally ever over anything and never hurt anyone in a relationship. Still friends with a few exes and on speaking terms with all of them. It feels like character attack rather than attack on actions.

 

Again sorry for length just needed to vent and if you made it this far thank you. Feeling so down. :(

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Not sure how you can feel love so quickly, especially for someone who hurls insults at you so early on, but this woman has issues and is abusive. Maybe you crossed the line, too clingy, too emotional, and turned her off. I'd honestly cut your losses and move on from her. What you see is what you get, and it doesn't look like trying to maintain this is beneficial . She is fading away, let her. Sorry to be so blunt but I find it sad when people feel so hurt by someone who insults and degrades them in this manner. Learn from it, don't be so needy, and go slow with new relationships. You're so early on in this that it's the honeymoon phase, which is supposed to be fun and exciting, not hurtful and filled with issues. Good luck.

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Not sure how you can feel love so quickly, especially for someone who hurls insults at you so early on, but this woman has issues and is abusive. Maybe you crossed the line, too clingy, too emotional, and turned her off. I'd honestly cut your losses and move on from her. What you see is what you get, and it doesn't look like trying to maintain this is beneficial . She is fading away, let her. Sorry to be so blunt but I find it sad when people feel so hurt by someone who insults and degrades them in this manner. Learn from it, don't be so needy, and go slow with new relationships. You're so early on in this that it's the honeymoon phase, which is supposed to be fun and exciting, not hurtful and filled with issues. Good luck.

 

This.

 

OP, you need to stay away from her. Follow SweetGirl's advice and keep a more measured pace next time. Don't get attached too quickly, and run when you see the warning signs that someone is angry and mean.

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Blunt is fine. I know this deep down. There were some amazing moments in there and she was there for me when a friend passed so it heightened my feelings. I am not one to fall in love quickly, but this one swept me up. The red flags are there, but so are some good things. Not saying that because I should go back, but because it wasn't just one sided. I also know I did open up rather quickly because of the death and feeling vulnerable so I probably did get too clingy or emotional. I took off my armor for first time in a long time and took too much off.

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No relationship is filled with only red flags. Even the worst ones usually have a few good moments.

 

However, you should have enforced stronger boundaries for yourself and not overlooked such serious warning signs. I don't think it was so much about taking your armor off as it was about looking for someone to validate you and help you feel better about yourself. We all do that to some degree in a relationship, but you were looking for that from the wrong source (ie. your ex)

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Roughpatchsw,

I pray you are feeling better. I'm sorry she has treated you so badly. I agree with sweetgirl, as painful as it is just let her go. Clearly she wasn't, isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone except herself. People who honestly care about you WILL and can at least spare 5 minutes to speak to someone who is currently upset. I'm sorry you fell hard for her. I think most of us have been there at some point. I know it's easier said than done but try to talk to someone in your family or a friend you feel close to. I personally find myself listening to music from my past that made me happy and takes me back to a better place when it was just a simple time. I hope you can find that peace very soon. You are NOT ALONE 💕❤️

 

Keeping you in my thoughts and 🙏. Wishing you a better day tomorrow. I'm SURE you are the world to someone out there, never forget that ❤️

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