Out of Practice

[Phillyjawn]

I am 30 and although I used to be able to pull men left and right, I have spent the last 5 years in a toxic relationship. So I am out of practice and just lost my mojo lol. I say that to say I am interested in a man I see every day on my way from work and I DO NOT know how to make a move. I will be leaving next month for a few months on military leave and want to shoot my shot before I go in case he isn't around when I get back.

 

Do I make a move now and give us time to chill and hang out before I go? Or do I wait until I am about to leave and take the months apart just to get to know him with no pressure?

 

I feel like this post is dumb, but I am that much out of practice, lol. Help!

[Andrina]

If you haven't been out of the toxic relationship at least a year, I don't recommend starting something new with anyone until learning to be happy solo. If you haven't resolved your own issue of why you stayed so long with toxicity, you won't be able to recognize and avoid red flags with other men. You say you've lost your mojo, so it doesn't sound like you're emotionally strong enough to start anything with a guy right now. If he's not around after you've done work on yourself for a good year, then he's not your destiny. There are always people to encounter who you can have chemistry with, but you'll have better success when you're fully ready to date again.

[Wiseman2]

Doing a cold approach just to tell a guy you're leaving shortly makes no sense. Why not get a on some dating apps and date local available men.

I say that to say I am interested in a man I see every day on my way from work and I DO NOT know how to make a move. I will be leaving next month for a few months on military leave

[Phillyjawn]

I have been out of the toxic situation for almost a year and I have found peace in being by myself because I spent the time I was single enjoying not having to focus on anyone but myself and smashing a few goals. I did take time to heal.

 

I stayed in the toxic situation for so long because I was dating someone who was a friend for years before we took that step. And I stupidly took the step because I knew he was a dog. I just though he wouldn't treat me the same. Again, I was stupid.

 

I am not looking to jump head first into another relationship, but after a nice amount of time alone (mostly because I had no remote interest in getting to know anyone or any desire for intimacy) I think I am ready to get to know someone or maybe "someone's" so I don't put all of my eggs into one basket.

 

The thing is, how do I get back out there??

[Pleasedonot5]

Smile at him, give him eye contact/glances. These are cues that you are interested / approachable. If he's interested he'll be more inclined to approach you.

 

Or, alternatively, you can approach him and strike up a casual conversation. Maybe ending with you asking for his number to get coffee sometime.

[Phillyjawn]

Again, I am out of practice. Haven't been on the dating scene in a while and still a little hesitant. The "cold approach" would just be a means of getting to know someone through talking and texting without any real pressure. Dating apps low key scare me because I'm old-fashioned lol. I feel like men on those apps have one agenda, major issues...but I guess guys offline do too :-/

 

The guy I see after work has been the first guy who has peaked my interest since getting out of my old relationship. I don't want to jump into anything serious, but would be interested in getting to know someone with no pressure.

 

Just not sure how to approach it.

[Phillyjawn]

I like that idea. The smiling and cues are there, and I have been hoping he would make the move and relieve me of having to do it lol. But now as I get closer to leaving, I'm wondering if I should just go for it.

[Wiseman2]

You seem on the fence between dating and just wanting friends. You are choosing the cold approach with complete strangers because you are not ready to date. However how realistic is it that you approach this guy just to be friends/text buddies?

The "cold approach" would just be a means of getting to know someone through talking and texting without any real pressure.

[Last Gentleman]

I would say it's not really fair to hit on a guy while you know you are going away within a few weeks, what's the guy supposed to do if he likes you then, asking to someone to wait for especially

that fast is not very respectful !

[Phillyjawn]

I think I gave too much unnecessary information. Basically, I haven't been on the dating scene in a while and I want to know how to go about meeting people again. I wouldn't expect him to wait. That is a lot to ask of someone I don't know. I would just be interested in getting to know him. And I will be gone for 5 months for training. I'm not leaving on a deployment or anything. I mentioned a lot of the other info because I haven't been into anyone. He's the first guy I've paid any real attention to in a while.

[Phillyjawn]

I would like friends who could eventually turn into someone I'm dating if all is going well. Do you think it is unrealistic just to approach a guy to be friends? Do people not get to know each other anymore? I'm not that far removed from dating am I? lol

[Wiseman2]

But he's not your friend, you don't know him. You are interested in him. Yes it's weird to walk up to a guy and say hey, I'm attracted to you and I'll be leaving for 5 mos, so how would you like to be in the friendzone?

Do you think it is unrealistic just to approach a guy to be friends? Do people not get to know each other anymore? I'm not that far removed from dating am I? lol

[Andrina]

Ideally, it's best not to start a pen pal sort of relationship with someone new. And there is always pressure. Each person has their own expectations, and if expectations aren't met, usually when you don't match on relationship goals, there is disappointment.

 

I'd say it isn't a good time to date right now. Finish your training, and when you're in your normal place of employment again, see who is around at that time, and if nobody sparks your interest, take up a hobby you would enjoy where men congregate. Sometimes that's a co-ed sports team. Most locales also have meet ups for singles in a particular age group, which you can find on meet ups.com. I went to some of them when I was single, and it was less stressful than OLD.

 

When you're a positive person enjoying life, men will gravitate toward you. You usually only have to give signals you'd say yes if they asked you out. You could also ask if they've seen such and such a movie yet, and say you want to see it, to give them a cue, or ask what fun things they did on their days off, to lead the discussion to date ideas. It's never worked for me to make the first move, but I guess it's worked for others.

[shessofly]

I think if you can establish eye contact and smile you may be able to gauge some sort of interest level that way. Otherwise I'd say strike up a conversation. In what way do you see him? On public transit, just in passing on the sidewalk? Have you ever made eye contact?

[DanZee]

The weather's always a safe thing to talk about. You say, hi to the guy and you comment, it's pretty cold, huh? They say it's going to snow tomorrow. See what he says back.

 

I don't know any guy who won't talk to a woman. Just make small talk for a while and be friendly. That's all. He might even ask you out for coffee, or before you go off for training, you could ask him out for coffee. When you come back, you can pick up from there.

[Pleasedonot5]

If you are looking for new acquaintances or friends, a group event is probably better.

 

A previous poster affirmed it would be weird to approach a guy to be friends; in most cases I would agree. If you are going to approach the guy, do it because you want to go on a casual date with him.