I Feel Frustrated and Defective

[sadcatgirl]

So I'm in my first real relationship, mostly because I'm pretty independent and I never minded being single and never really met anyone who made me not want to be on my own. Needless to say I'm not experienced sexually. I've been dating this guy for almost a year but we only started having sex about 2 months ago and we've only done it 5 times total (the fact that he works so much that I only see him on the weekends, if I'm lucky, contributes to this). Of course it was quite painful the first time we did it, we had to stop and I definitely felt it for a day or two. But is it normal for it to hurt on the 5th time too? It doesn't hurt as much as the first time, that's for sure, but I definitely don't enjoy sex. I'm also not a very sexual person and I don't have a very high libido, I would be fine having sex a couple times a month but I know that sex is an important part of a relationship for him and I respect that and want to do it for him and also for the bonding and the emotional connection. So if I'm going to do it, I'd like to enjoy it. I can't really relax enough for it to be fun, I have a lot of anxiety anyways which I'm in therapy for and used to take medication for, and during sex I just feel very tense and unable to let go. For some reason I can't express what I like and don't like unless it's causing me pain, I just feel too awkward even though my boyfriend wants to help and wants the experience to be enjoyable for me too and has made that quite clear. It's almost like I'm afraid to enjoy myself? Like the thought of having an orgasm makes me anxious and I don't know why. What should I do about this? Is there anything I can do? Is it normal? I'm frustrated and feeling like I must not be very fun to have sex with.

[DanZee]

Well, there's a little bit of truth in everything you've said about what's happening to you. It took my wife nearly six months before she started to enjoy sex. And then she didn't realize that the birth control pills she was on was dampening her libido, so it wasn't until she stopped using the pill that she fully enjoyed it and actually became multi-orgasmic. She was nervous about having sex and she would tense up. It would be difficult to enter her, even with lubrication. Being anxious can certainly amplify that effect.

 

I would tell your boyfriend about it being painful and maybe have him spend more time tickling your clitoris and vagina and engaging in oral sex to make you orgasm that way. This would help to overcome your nervousness and might make things easier. But I would say that what you're experiencing can happen and it could take some time before you're enjoying it like they show in the movies. And you might want to masturbate yourself to see what feels good and learn how you can orgasm. Sex toys may help as well. Just don't give up. It will be worth it down the line.

[cherubrock]

I can relate to your issue. Do you see your bf apart from meeting on his time off to have sex? How is your relationship outside of sex? How old are you?

 

I'm about to be 28 and have only had one partner, and I also can't seem to really enjoy the sex. Maybe you need sex therapy? I think your issue goes down to childhood.

 

In case you're interested in reading my post : https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=537421

[sadcatgirl]

I'm on birth control as well and even though I knew it could have an effect on libido I never quite made the connection for myself! Thank you for sharing and for the advice :)

[sadcatgirl]

Yes I see him quite often regardless of if we have sex that weekend. We're pretty close, we have a lot of fun together and have good communication skills. I'm only 19 so pretty young and it's not too unusual that I'm so inexperienced. I've also thought about sex therapy and I think it would be good for me, I just don't know where to begin with it.