Overthinking...probably?

[xMorningStarx]

A few months ago, whilst swiping left and right through that old Tinder app, I matched with a girl who I thought was really cute. I messaged her and we hit it off, mainly over how many bizarrely small things we have in common. We swapped numbers and after speaking for a few weeks we met for a drink. It was honestly one of the most fun dates I've ever had. We laughed so much and ended the night with a kiss and a cuddle. Saw each other a lot more over the coming weeks and then became an item shortly after.

 

Now, everything is really great. We are the same wavelength completely about most things and get on great. The sex is mindblowing and evenings together just fly by. Don't think I've ever been with someone that genuinely makes me laugh as much as she does. She even gushes about me which is awesome because I've never really had that for quite a few years.

 

Okay, so far so good. However. A few weeks before we actually got together officially, one of her best friends came out and straight up said he wanted to be with her. They had a brief drunken fling about a month or so before we started talking. It doesn't bother me so much, I mean she straight up told me everything. But she wants to rescue the friendship. Which is something I can admire I suppose. Anyway, fast forward to last Friday night. Had an amazing evening together and I gave her and her brother (who I met for the first time, and he approves of me apparently) a lift to town the next morning before going to pick my daughter up. That night, she was feeling a little low over something going wrong with her house and missing me so she went to another one of her friends houses for a game night. She said she had a nice time, but when I asked if it was awkward with that guy at all (to my knowledge it was the first time she saw him since), she basically didn't respond to it. I left it at that, I have no reason to doubt her.

 

However, she has taken slightly unwell since and we cancelled our plans for Monday. I said I can come drop food off for her but she deflected it. She's also not seemed herself - like she normally texts when she's in work but she's flat out reading the messages and only replying to a small bit of it. Any type of niceness or attentiveness I'm giving her is being met with slight sass or just ignored. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, she's not well so exhausted so you are bound to not be yourself. However I can't help but link it back to Saturday night. I mean, since then, she's been different with me. Like she's not that bothered when she see's me next.

 

Over the years, I've learnt that my gut feeling is usually the correct one. But I'm not sure if past experiences are clouding my judgement with this one, or if maybe she's kind of stepped back. It could all be a coincidence however - we do have plans for Thursday and she isn't too well (even though she's still gone to work). I'm reading too much into this aren't I?

 

Problem is, I can't help myself. I've been known to be a multiple text kinda guy - I flat out forget to say something I was meant to say/ask, so occasionally she may have 3 messages from me when she goes back to her phone. However I fear that this may seem to be smothering when it's really not intended to be that way. I mean its not as if I'm demanding she talk to me.

 

Should I be concerned about the friend? Or is she flat out just not feeling herself the last few days?

[Willard]

You know the saying. If you love a woman let her go. If she comes to you, she loves you.

 

I can't say if anything is going on with this guy but my guess is she may be getting cold feet about your relationship. It happens to a lot of people when they see things progressing to a more serious level. Serious relationships are a big investment and she may just be sorting out if this really something she fully wants to commit to. It is not a necessarily a bad sign and it can be really good if you handle it correctly. The last thing you want to do is pester her or constantly be all over her. It will make you seem like a nuisance and it will give her more to second guess about the relationship.

 

Give her some time and she will probably start to miss you. If you don't she will never get the chance to miss you or consider what she has a chance to lose. If she comes back she is committed. If she doesn't bugging her all the time wont make things any better. Either way, giving her space will improve your chances and even if it doesn't work, at least you kept your dignity. Next time you speak with her it should be because she contacted you. If you don't hear from her in 2-3 days you do have the right ask for clarity as to status of your relationship. should it come to that ask to meet her and tell her she seems distant lately and ask her for that clarity. 2-3 days is plenty of time to figure out those gitters and it isn't much to ask that she just give some basic answers.

 

As far a the guy goes......men and women usually keep friends of the opposite sex because they kinda see them as a future prospect. Maybe they had (have) feelings for each other but failed to make the connection and the friendship is just a way of not letting go of that fantasy. If she comes back to you, you will be holding more cards over this guy. You will be the officially committed boyfriend and he will be the guy failed at making a connection with her. Lastly, DO NOT FORBID HER FROM SEEING THIS GUY! Even if it worries you do not let on that you are even slightly concerned. Telling her who to interact with will make you seem controlling and if she is getting cold feet giving her reasons to think you are controlling will also not help. Just remember, if she comes back she is committed and he, at best, is her second priority if not lower than that.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is so confusing. How long have you been dating? It seems like he's an ex that she's trying to get back with. This may explain all the fading and lots of "not feeling well" type stuff lately. Keep your eyes wide open and trust your gut.

They had a brief drunken fling about a month or so before we started talking.

[xMorningStarx]

We've been dating for about 2 months or so. Her friend was literally just a friend until their drunken fling before I even met her. Past is past and all that but she made it clear that she didn't want anything more with him.

 

I've spoken to her since, she called me after work and it was normal. Laughing and joking and making plans. But then all her texts since have been sort of distant or cold. She mentioned the other day that she's worried about me getting sick of her and things like that. It's almost as if she's pulled away herself because she's getting more attached.

 

I've said to her that I'm sorry if I've seemed to be a tad overbearing the last few days and just said I'm looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. But she's in work now so I know she won't pick that up for a few hours. We shall see. It could literally be in my head, but her messages were full of jokes AND nice stuff towards me. Now it just feels like I've become a bit of a joke. I'm not asking her to write me a poem in every message, but maybe a little bit of affection when we are apart. I guess I'll see how she is when I see her. Just hope it's literally been because she's been under the weather and exhausted.

[Wiseman2]

Focus much less on texting. Spend time together on real dates. It seems not only is she seeing this guy again and coming up with a lot of cancellations,"doesn't feel well", etc, but she's checking out of this as things with the on/off FWB heat up again. Keep in mind she was rolling in the sack with him just before you started dating and their contact not only didn't diminish upon your dating, it's recently picked up again.

But then all her texts since have been sort of distant or cold. She mentioned the other day that she's worried about me getting sick of her and things like that. It's almost as if she's pulled away. Just hope it's literally been because she's been under the weather and exhausted.

[xMorningStarx]

Focus much less on texting. Spend time together on real dates. It seems not only is she seeing this guy again and coming up with a lot of cancellations,"doesn't feel well", etc, but she's checking out of this as things with the on/off FWB heat up again. Keep in mind she was rolling in the sack with him just before you started dating and their contact not only didn't diminish upon your dating, it's recently picked up again.

 

The problem is, due to our work schedules - as well as myself having a child I see on weekends, we have set days we see each other. Its just odd how her saying she misses me and whatnot has dried up literally over night. I don't think she is seeing this guy again because she is in constant contact with me, however I'm not entirely convinced she's overly fussed on seeing me anymore. Just concerned that him being around may be the cause of her pulling away. Trouble is, unless I had any non paranoid reasonings for this, I can't confront her about it as I'll be the irrational one.

 

We don't talk on the phone all that much, it's something that neither of us really do. Text is our only form of communication in between seeing each other and whilst normally thats fine, she's definitely different recently. She responding to my message basically saying that it's okay and she understands that I've been kind of isolated lately but hopes I'm feeling less down. But still doesn't seem like she actually cares all the much anymore. It's just bizarre how she went from really into me and expressing her feelings regularly to flat out ignoring when I'm doing the same thing.

[Wiseman2]

After just a handful of dates and 8 weeks people can see incompatibilities such as dating single parents or preferring the freedom to have ongoing fwb relationships. Despite the highs of the novelty, things can sizzle and fizzle and unfortunately that seems to be the case. Don't take it personally.

We've been dating for about 2 months or so.

[xMorningStarx]

After just a handful of dates and 8 weeks people can see incompatibilities such as dating single parents or preferring the freedom to have ongoing fwb relationships. Despite the highs of the novelty, things can sizzle and fizzle and unfortunately that seems to be the case. Don't take it personally.

 

To be honest, you could be right. She's gone from the whole "you're perfect for me, I'm very attached to you and I'm excited to see where this will go" to basically prepping me this morning for not going round again. Told me that she's in work but not feeling well and wishes she called in sick so she's not sure if she wants me to spend the night (I've spent quite a few nights with her). But I think as the day goes on, that'll turn into "I just want to go home and get into bed". Meaning that the next time I'll see her is probably next week sometime.

 

It's odd, she called me last night to tell me about her day and ask about mine and we were talking for well over an hour, but it's almost as if I've turned into a friend all of a sudden. She always said she would be straight up with me if she's unhappy with the relationship or whatever, but I just feel that since Saturday night, I've been well and truly played.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It does sound like friendzoning when she's too sick to date but not to chat on the phone as if with a male-girlfriend. Stop just going to her house to spend the night. Ask to take her out on a date on a weekend night and if she's "sick" or "busy", then you can be sure she's with the on/off fwb again or just lost interest..

Told me that she's in work but not feeling well and wishes she called in sick so she's not sure if she wants me to spend the night (I've spent quite a few nights with her). she called me last night to tell me about her day and ask about mine and we were talking for well over an hour, but it's almost as if I've turned into a friend all of a sudden.

[xMorningStarx]

Sorry to hear this. It does sound like friendzoning when she's too sick to date but not to chat on the phone as if with a male-girlfriend. Stop just going to her house to spend the night. Ask to take her out on a date on a weekend night and if she's "sick" or "busy", then you can be sure she's with the on/off fwb again or just lost interest..

 

I literally went through texts from her and could pin point where she dialed it back. Sunday evening which was when she said she started to feel sick. Everything else before then was fine and normal and she was affectionate.

 

I don't think she is with on/off FWB to be honest, but that doesn't mean she isn't thinking it. Either way, I don't deserve to be treated like that so I will take your advise. If she cancels on me completely today then I shall ask her out to dinner next Friday (that'll be two week since she saw me last and plenty of time to get over being "sick" and it's our usual night together) and if she declines it then I know my answer.

 

Oddly enough though, she mentioned going on a double date with her brother and gf when he's back up from uni - but to be fair it could be a case of her keeping me hanging on until she decides what she wants to do with me.

[Morello]

I'd suggest that you completely back off and never initiate contact with her. Let her come to you. If you keep smothering her with messages she will dump you, my friend.

 

Just make her feel that you have other stuff going on with your life and she's not a priority (same way as she is treating you). Always sound busy and never stay for too long on the phone. Tell her that if she wants to talk you can go on a date and talk in person but you're a bit busy to talk on the phone right now. You can suggest a time/date, but if she is flaky, just tell her to contact you once she knows when she can meet up and go NC until she contacts you first.

 

She is asking you (indirectly) for space. Give it to her.

[xMorningStarx]

Just got back from seeing her. Got a takeaway and watched some Netflix. I think my fears are a bit jumping the gun - she's really not well and in quite a lot pain. She didn't want me to stay as she's like me in not wanting to be fussed over when ill and whatnot. Pretty sure it's the whole reason for her slight mood swings. She was up and down in the evening but kept coming for affection and was making date plans for next week.

 

I'm still not going to be pester her or anything like that, but I'm 100% certain now that she wasn't using her illness as an excuse. Feel bad for even questioning it now.

[xMorningStarx]

Well...looks like my fears weren't unfounded. Okay this is going to sound daft but hear me out here. I don't have instagram, but she does. She told me last night she spammed it with pics of her cat, so this morning I checked it out to have a look. On there, in a post that was done probably no later than 30 mins after I left was a picture of some little gifts with the note "Been feeling crappy all week but have an absolute babe that knows how to cheer me up". Now, I saw one of these gifts when I was there (a teddy) that I've not seen before but just thought nothing of it. Who was this from? Possibly from her mum or a friend - but she would've told me right? I mean she normally does. Unless it's from THAT friend.

 

She's been extra distant with me this morning. Flat out ignoring things I'm saying and changing the subject. Little things like telling me she's going into work so she'll talk to me later messages have gone. Even little cute emojis she used to do have gone. I'm starting to think she's using her feeling under the weather as an excuse and is trying to keep me at arm's length. This many doubts this early on is not a good sign. I felt before that it was me being irrational but her distant behaviour suggests other wise.

 

She had the perfect opportunity to end things last night. We live far enough apart that our lives would never cross paths again and she could have a clean break to date this guy or whatever. She was on/off affectionate and told me to make sure I let her know as soon as I got home safe (bad weather in the UK). Am I being irrational? Have I constructed this in my mind? Last night I was so sure that I was going crazy. This morning I'm not too sure.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, whether she is sick or not she doesn't want you sleeping over all the time and especially having to host/entertain you if she is not well. It's doubtful that "absolute babe" was referring to you because you didn't give her gifts or look after her. Of course it was from some other guy... probably the guy she's been sleeping with a few weeks before you and still goes to visit all the time. Girlfriends and mothers aren't referred to as "absolute babes". People date around, it's not unheard of.

I left was a picture of some little gifts with the note "Been feeling crappy all week but have an absolute babe that knows how to cheer me up". I saw one of these gifts when I was there (a teddy) that I've not seen before but just thought nothing of it. Who was this from? Unless it's from THAT friend.

[xMorningStarx]

Unfortunately, whether she is sick or not she doesn't want you sleeping over all the time and especially having to host/entertain you if she is not well. It's doubtful that "absolute babe" was referring to you because you didn't give her gifts or look after her. Of course it was from some other guy... probably the guy she's been sleeping with a few weeks before you and still goes to visit all the time. Girlfriends and mothers aren't referred to as "absolute babes". People date around, it's not unheard of.

 

The thing is, we are an official couple though, so this to me is basically cheating if she is seeing this guy behind my back. She refers to me as her boyfriend (at least she did). By the way, around here "babe" is used to describe most people you're close to.

 

It could be a case of, her illness is driving her crazy so she doesn't want to put that level of crazy on me so has backed off. I'm not going to smother her, will give her the benefit of the doubt and won't confront her with neurotic conclusions until I have something more concrete. If when she's "better" she's still treating me like this and whatnot, THEN I'll just ask her straight off what's going on.

[MissCanuck]

She would have to be pretty stupid to post photos online of gifts from another man and call him "babe" if she's cheating with him. I don't think she's talking about this specific male friend, in this instance.

 

However, her distant and deflective behaviour is odd. I would see how things go once she's physically feeling better. If she doesn't come around, then I think you know what you need to do.

[xMorningStarx]

She asked me to send her funny pictures whilst in work so that's what I've been doing. She messaged briefly on her lunch, but again, very blunt and very distant. It's almost as if she's busy messaging someone else. I've told her "I understand when you're not well and not yourself, you can't be bothered with a conversation and just want to zone out. So tell me if you want me to give you a bit of space from time to time, I won't take it personally." She's not read the message but I'm going to be the bigger person and give her some space - will see how she responds to it

[xMorningStarx]

A few days on and there is no significant improvement at all. In fact she has basically gotten worse, she barely speaks to me and ignores most things I say.

It’s clear her feelings have totally changed over this past week, but she’s not saying why.

Currently left on 3 hours ignored since my last message to her which was to basically say I’m home from my brief trip and that I’m looking forward to seeing her.

Looks like I’m being ghosted.

[Findingnemo94]

Ok so the same thing happened with my boyfriend but didn't include the situation with the friend, he just started to go a bit distant, not replying to messages etc and would seem unattentive and uninterested.

 

For a week or so I kind of ignored it and just told myself I was over thinking and that he was maybe tired or stressed from work and I ignored it. It broke me into a million pieces as i thought he was pulling away. Then one night I don't know why I just snapped and said look what is wrong, you've been ignoring my messages and you seem uninterested. Do you want to be in the relationship and are you having second thoughts as that's what it seems like. I'm not going to wait around for you to make up your mind and I'm not being treated like this.

 

And, out of no where he told me he was insanley stressed, his child was sick and his ex wife was demanding money from him, his work schedule had just changed dramatically and he just didnt want to burdan me and tell me about it so he started to go on his phone less to ignore her. We had a huge open and honest conversation about it and tbh I think if they are the right one they will try everything they can to make it work and be honest with you. If you come out with this open and honest conversation and genuinley want to work through it then they will too if they are the right person. I've had this conversation with a few boyfriends before and hey, the ones who turned out to be horrible people who didn't care about me told me I was being clingy and needy and needed to back off.

 

In summary, grow a back bone (in the most un harsh possible way) and speak to her about it. Be honest, but don't be dramatic, if she's the right one she will be honest with you too. If not then you're doing yourself a favour as much as it might hurt it'll cause you less pain in the long run to find out straight away. Hope this helps.

[xMorningStarx]

Well I asked her about it. Tried to call but no answer so I sent her a text to ask what was going on. Why is she ignoring me and pushing me away when I thought everything was good.

 

She then replied at 5 in the morning when she knew I’d be asleep that she can’t do the relationship anymore. That she’s never clicked with someone so fast and she just felt we would’ve crashed and burned really quickly if we continued.

 

So she broke it off with me in a ty way with the excuse that it was going too well.

 

I’m not down, or sad. I’m just really angry that she could be such a coward. I replied saying my piece which was basically saying this was a really terrible way to do it and that we could’ve worked on it etc.

 

Oh she said the friend thing - I’ve immediately told her that won’t happen any time soon because of the way she has conducted herself and become a coward with little to no regards for my feelings.

 

Another failed relationship it seems.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Yeah, just fading, claiming busy, sick etc is a crappy thing. All in all you dodged a bullet. You didn't fail, she did.

she can’t do the relationship anymore. That she’s never clicked with someone so fast and she just felt we would’ve crashed and burned really quickly if we continued.

[xMorningStarx]

Sorry to hear this. Yeah, just fading, claiming busy, sick etc is a crappy thing. All in all you dodged a bullet. You didn't fail, she did.

 

You're completely right. After my initial reaction message, I sent a message basically saying goodbye. I told her that I'm disappointed that she felt she couldn't work it out with me and my distaste in the manner in which she chose to do this. But that I'll always care for her and I won't be the type of person to barrage her with calls begging to work it out or showing up randomly at hers. Ended the message with a simple "take care of yourself x". I don't hate this woman, she isn't who I thought she was however.

 

But I know I'll dust myself off and be okay. I'm a little hurt, and a bit angry/bemused, but I'll bounce back just fine. The support I've had from my friends already has been overwhelming - I'm not alone. Plus tonight, I am picking my daughter up for a Daddy/daughter date which I can't wait for. More important things in life than wasting time on someone who thought so little of me in the end.

 

If she comes back wanting to talk, it'll have to take a lot for me to open up to her again. But I won't ever hang my hopes on something that after today I don't think I even want anymore. Friends? Maybe, one day. But not for the foreseeable.

 

Not a single tear was shed today. I think that speaks volumes.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. now delete and block her from your social media. It seems she's a bed-hopper/thrill seeker with the fwb, whoever "babe" is and who knows who. You can do better than this. It's too flaky.

she isn't who I thought she was however.