I canÂ’t get it together

[Jelyse11]

IÂ’ve been writing on here a bit lately. IÂ’m trying to do this instead of talking to my ex.

 

IÂ’m really not handling this well. All the things IÂ’ll miss about him just go around and around in my head. We have been broken up for 6 weeks now and it makes me feel sick saying it. I just canÂ’t bellieve this itÂ’s like IÂ’m still in shock. We still live together and he is moving out this weekend coming and IÂ’m so scared. IÂ’m so scared we wonÂ’t get the chance now to ever work it out. I can not imagine ever letting another man touch me or ever loving anyone else. IÂ’m 27 years old and never loved the way I do him. I have never felt this way with any other boyfriend I have had. know he was just as committed to me. He has my name tattooed on his wrist which he said he wonÂ’t get rid of. He told me he wanted to marry me all the time we have been together 5 years and lived together for 3. The spark never died and I really mean that. He said I pushed him to break up from the way I have been acting the last 3 months. But 3 months out of a lifetime is nothing. ThatÂ’s what I canÂ’t get past.

 

I guess IÂ’m just trying to vent everything out. It took a long time to get together in the first place. We really had to fight for it in the beginning due to external factors but we made it happen. It took us 2 years to get together officially.

[MissCanuck]

I think he's been looking for a way out longer than you realized. Something indeed changed for him, even if it wasn't perceptible to you.

 

You're right that 3 months isn't a long time compared to a few years together, but those that decide to leave instead of trying to work through it were usually already mostly out the door. And it might be for reasons unrelated to you, too.

 

It all seems inconceivable now, but it gets easier as you adjust to a new normal without him. Hard as it will be, it's best that he moves out soon. You don't need reminders of him around all the time.

[DanZee]

You know, I read your original post and I'm not clear on why you two broke up. It seems like you're repeating what he told you, but I have the feeling that there's a lot more to the break up. You keep saying that you know he loves you, but I sense some doubt there. Two people who are in love don't break up like this. They work things out.

 

He has convinced you that you were the reason that he broke up with you, but I think something else was going on. Where did he move to? What is he doing right now? Is there another girl in the picture? Are you moving out too or are you going to carry on renting the apartment?

 

A lot of the hurt you're feeling is because you think you did something wrong in the relationship, but I don't think he's the great guy that you're making him out to be. You started suspecting that there might be another girl yesterday. I'm thinking that by the way he acted, starting numerous arguments over innocuous things, trying to blame you for actions you may not have done, that he had this girl on the side and that's why he broke up with you. I suspect he basically cheated on you, either emotionally, physically, or both. Instead of moping around for this guy and hoping he'll come back to you, you should be angry at this guy for pulling a fast one on you. That may be the missing link you're looking for to make sense of this break up. He didn't love you anymore.

 

Think about it. This guy may not have deserved your love, but someone else out there does. For now, heal and pull yourself together. And then go out and look for that guy who wants to love you.

[Jelyse11]

I had started a new job in June last year plus got in some financial trouble and I wasn’t acting like myself. I was being negative and I feel I was picking on him for things. Just little things and I was making negative comments about everything. I can see I was being that way because I was feeling stressed but not working to control it. In November I could see my partner wasn’t being himself and I pestered him to tell me what was wrong. He said he didn’t like being around me lately, that I said I was going to save money and I didn’t, that I said I would get out more with my own friends and pretty much had a rant about all that was wrong with me. We argued it out and he said he still loves me and he had to get it off his chest. I said I would change but I didn’t. I tried to watch more of what I said and stuff but I got really anxious over what he said and was really upset.

 

I got super clingy after that even when he said that was something that was bothering him as well. This just pushed it further. The breaking point he said was on New Year’s Eve and I started a fight with him because I was drunk at a friends party when it should of been a good night and I did that for no reason. It was literally over nothing. We made up after that and I had to go visit my Mum for a few days by myself and while I was there I kept messaging him and calling him even though we had been together all through the holidays and there was no reason for me to. I know now it’s because I felt so guilty about the fight on New Years I was trying to be over loving.

 

Well I came back from my mums and we still have our realationship but I know he is upset I didn’t just enjoy myself and getting hounding him the whole time. Fast forward two weeks and I start an argument about him not being affectionate enough and that I felt he was being weird with his phone and he blew up. He said he is sick of what was happening and the fighting and well you know the rest.

 

I do feel so bad about how I acted and can see this would push a guy to breaking point. So I do have suspicions that maybe there is someone else but I don’t know if I’m thinking clearly. I made things worse by pushing him more when I should of backed off. I said I would change and try to be better because I wanted us to be happy and I didn’t. I feel so horrible all the time.

[MissCanuck]

Be patient with yourself, OP. 6 weeks out of a 5-year relationship isn't long, in the grand scheme of things. It will take a while before you begin to feel somewhat normal again.

 

After the fog begins to lift, you will likely see that things were not all your fault. Relationship break-down rarely is just one person's doing. Yes, you could have made some positive changes sooner, but I imagine in the coming months you will realize that he could have been doing more to make this work too.

 

Take your healing slowly. It's not a linear process. You'll have bad days and great days. Sometimes the break-up will make more sense, and sometimes it will seem completely illogical to you. Even in your posts, your thoughts are still bouncing around from understanding why he ended it to not understanding why he gave up. This is normal, too. You're still processing it all.

 

Again, patience with yourself is key here.

[DanZee]

No, see, I'm seeing this from a guy's point of view and him not being affectionate, being secretive about his phone, wanting more "me" time, picking on you for not saving money (it's your money) and not supporting you emotionally when you got stressed is telling me he was up to something. Some of the stuff he said to you sounds on the verge of emotional abuse, like telling you everything that's wrong about you. Even the making up afterwards and then having another argument over nothing, or pushing you to start an argument, is part of the cycle. Perhaps you should Google "emotional abuse" and read some of the symptoms and examples there. And you, rather than being in love with him, you have an emotional dependency on him motivated by the fear of his leaving and abandonment of you. You should Google "emotional dependency" and see if the symptoms and examples fit what you're experiencing.

 

The bottom line is I think he started seeing this other girl around November, or he started thinking about this other girl around this time. Once you sensed him withdrawing his emotions and not acting right, he started pushing your buttons to start arguments. Of course you became clingy because you sensed him pulling away, and this started the cycle of emotional dependency which he took advantage of by demonstrating how clingy you were. It's all too convenient for him. And you wind up being the victim while he's off carefree.

[Jelyse11]

What you said does make sense. I have asked him out right if there is anyone else and he said no which is a pretty standard answer. I said to him I wish there was so I can move on from u faster as I would just be disgusted and no there is no hope and he still said no. I feel so helpless because I can’t prove anything. He said why would he still live in our home if there was someone else. If this is the case and he was cheating on me then I wipe my hands of him. When I first had thoughts about it and I was thinking it even back in November not just recently, I went through his phone a couple of times and couldn’t find anything. But he got worse with the phone, taking it in the bathroom all the time, always on him and face down all the time. I have kept pushing the thoughts away.

 

We are both past cheaters as well. Well not on each other but past realtionships. I have never cheated on him and I thought the he hadn’t either until recently as we have talked about our cheating pasts together in depth and I understand a cheaters mind. Cheaters can change as I am proof but maybe he never did change.

 

It’s so frustrating as I don’t have any proof. I want proof so I can move on better and to see him differently. I would rather be wrong and just paranoid but I’m starting to see I believed in him too much.

 

You would think I could easily read the signs but I’m blindly in love with him. I asked him why he was so secretive with his phone last weekend and he said he had been talking about me for advice and didn’t want me to read it.

 

I was definitely emotionally dependent on him as I have some major abandonment issues from childhood from both parents. and he was emotionally abusive as well. I know I could be emotionally abusive too though. Maybe this is my karma for cheating on others in the past and I deserve it. Where is his karma though.

[Wiseman2]

You'll be ok and much better without him still living there. At least you can focus on improving your life. You claim "he's a cheater" and emotionally abusive. Don't sign up for that. What do you mean by needing 2 years to "make it official" due to external factors? Were either of you married/with other people and cheating?

We have been broken up for 6 weeks.We still live together and he is moving out this weekend

[Jelyse11]

He has cheated on all his ex girlfriends in the past, but I have cheated on my ex partners in the past as well. So I don’t judge the cheating thing and apart from my suspicions now, he hasn’t cheated on me and I haven’t cheated on him and I know I wouldn’t have. So I don’t think I can say just because he has done it to someone before means he has done it me as cheaters do change. Which I am proof of. The emotional abuse is subtle but I read up some things and he definitely falls into some things. But I can see my own behaviour in what I read as well.

 

I wanted to keep this part out about how we got together as it will be judged straight away. But yes I was engaged to someone I was with since I was 17 years old and my current ex also had a partner. I had know him since we were 14 and he was in our friends group with my ex fiancé. I fell in love with him after a few years as friends and fell hard. I didn’t ever love my fiancé the way I did him so I left my fiancé as I couldn’t live a lie or go through with a marriage built on lies. My current ex was in love with me as well and left his partner a couple of months after I had left mine. Now that I am going through this I have thought of my ex fiancé and his ex so much and thought about how they must of felt. I never want to cause someone the pain of that agin. I was 22 when I left and I hate to say I did not think once of my ex fiancé or his feelings.

 

I’m a horrible person I know that but if he has left me for someone else then it proves he can’t be helped or ever have an honest relationship. Despite how we got together we had a stable realationship had never broken up before this or needed space or any cheating on each other. Maybe I was always clingy because of how we got together, maybe I always thought he would do this to me.

 

I still don’t fully believe I was left for someone else as I know what happened in that time. But it’s possible. All I know is I want to be with him and I know our problems are fixable. I don’t know if I give him space that the dust will settle and he will know what he has lost or if he will just forget me.

[Jelyse11]

Yep my thoughts are going crazy. It’s like having 50 different feelings all at once. I just know I’m not ready to let go but what choice do I have? If I ask for another chance again then it just pushes him away further as I know he thinks I’m just saying things to get him back. I am trying to get him back but begging for another chance is doing the opposite. He said he is far from perfect but that I had a chance and New Year’s Eve was his breaking point. So he was thinking about it for at least two weeks before the break up. The final fight made his decision for him. That’s why I think it can be fixed after time and the negative feelings go away.

 

I’m just going day by day with this. It’s all I can do.

[Everlong13]

I have limited sympathy and whilst you may have changed with regards to the cheating, he may not have.

You left the info out about how you met because you knew it was wrong.

Hopefully you learn from this experience, that'll be the positive that you look back on. Cheating is NOT ok.

[Jelyse11]

I know that it is not ok. I absolutely know that. I do know it was wrong but I also know I can’t deal with being lectured on cheating at the moment when I have already come to terms with myself about it. He may not of changed your right and I guess I will find out eventually. But this is here and now and I can’t change the past.

[MissCanuck]

With regards to the cheating - I agree that you may have learned your lesson. However, the same way you were able to shut off and ignore your ex-fiance's feelings might be this ex's current frame of mind about you as well.

 

Whether or not there is a third party involved with him now might never really be known. But he appears to already be in the mindset that he wants to move on. Keep that in mind when you have the urge to reach out to him or try to fix things. Remember how you felt when you wanted to move on from your former fiance - any further pleading or unwanted contact from likely didn't do anything to change your mind. If your ex comes back, it will need to be because he wants to work on it on his own volition. That should at least help discourage you from contacting him when he's already said no.