Broke up after 10 years, infidelity involved, still inlove. HELP!

[chelsea1032]

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum. I could really use some non-biased advice. To make a long story as short as possible, I have been dating the same guy for almost 10 years. We have been through a lot of trauma together, and we have always been best friends even when the relationship sucked. However, about half way through the relationship he started cheating. The first girl I found out about was an old friend of mine. We had "broken up" for the weekend because of a stupid fight, and he took that opportunity to sleep with another. (wow, fast right?) Mind you, we had always had little fights here and there, but had worked them out. When it happened we were still living together. After that, it went downhill.

 

We had made it through that incident, but he continued having affairs and one night stands with multiple women behind my back for another 4 years. Not having the balls to break it off, claiming that he loved me. Mind you, I wasn't perfect, I worked until 4 am, drank a lot to hide my feelings, and was hardly ever in the mood for sex. Very insecure. However, I would have never known he was doing these things to me. I thought we were still in love. He would call me pet names, we did normal couple things, lived together, family holidays, vacations, etc. I found out about his secret life all in the same year. Naked women popped up on his computer, and I left him and moved out of state for a month. Upon returning, He begged for me back. Saying that he realized he was a narcissist, and even told me about some more women I didn't know about. He was ashamed and he saw how damaged I was from it all. We got back together, but continued to fight all the time. Finally, I broke it off recently.

 

Well, its been over a month since then, and we had another serious talk recently. He told me how immature he had been, and was sitting there crying. He said he will never love another and that he will do anything to fix it. So we went on a few wonderful dates, and really started to look at each other as if we were beautiful strangers again. (I'm getting to the thing I need advice on, here it is). The night before our big talk when we decided to start being friends and "dating" again, he was out on Valentines day night. Mind you, we were not together, but I drove by his house. I couldn't help it. I had been doing so well, but that night I was feeing lonely and vulnerable and needed him. Plus I had been there earlier that day to see the dog we have together, and he had drawn me a sweet friendly picture.

 

When I tried calling him from his driveway later that night, my calls were forwarded. He immediately called back the next day and told me he was at a concert and would have totally ditched it to have had the opportunity to see me, had he known. Well after we had started talking again, I found out that was a lie. I confronted him about it, although we were not together and it was none of my business. I only confronted him because he asked me if I had slept with anyone, and I answered no which is true. I wanted to know the same. He said no, but would not tell me the truth about valentines night. Said it was "unproductive" and negative. Swore he didn't sleep with anyone. However, things got heated because I still had not received an explanation for the lie about the concert. That's when he proceeded to say it was none of my business. I thought, what a hypocrite! Granted, we are trying to move forward. He is trying to protect me from more pain. But I feel I must know the truth. Otherwise, every single girl he is friends with will be a suspect and a problem moving forward. He refuses to tell me where he was that night, so I broke it off again and we are back at square one. SO question: Is it right that I MUST know who he slept with while we were separated? Do I have the right to be mad about his attempted cover-up story? Or should I let the past be the past if there is any hope of working this thing out? I'm so overcome with jealousy at the thought. And I bet more then likely, it was one of our mutual friends as to why he wont tell me.

[ThatwasThen]

You know, you can't trust someone who is fundamentally untrustworthy. This man, by all accounts has a sex addiction problem and you would be a fool to take him back on his word that he's changed. He needs extensive therapy or at the very least the ballzzz to stop trying to have a relationship with any woman who is monogamous in nature. He's a selfish, self-absorbed ball freak so get yourself away from him, heal with the help of your own therapist who will help you to believe that you deserve better then a lying, cheating, self-absorbed addict.

 

Who he is scewing at the moment is THE least of your concerns. Your biggest worry should be how to get yourself unaddicted to the likes of him and have the strength to go through the withdrawl pain during your detox via cold turkey zero contact to your drug of choice called "bad boyfriend."

[chelsea1032]

I completely agree with you. I agree he has a problem. What if my proposed solution was couples counseling at some point? Or what if he was willing to talk to someone about his narcissism and addiction? I know I sound pathetic, but after such an investment, family ties and all, how would I feel if I didn't atleast explore all options before really calling it quits? Thanks for your honest feedback.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't disagree with you at all. I agree he has a problem. What if my proposed solution was couples counseling at some point? Or what if he was willing to talk to someone about his narcissism and addiction? I know I sound pathetic, but after such an investment, family ties and all, how would I feel if I didn't atleast explore all options before really calling it quits? Thanks for your honest feedback.

Dear Chelsea. This man needs years of addiction therapy. You are so codependent that you are afraid to be without him even when you know he is never going to change. Even if he gets therapy he may never change if he doesn't need to. By staying with him, you enable him to continue on.

 

If you want to make sure you've done everything you can to try and fix the dysfunctional relationship you are crying for then get your own therapy to help you with your codependency. Perhaps if you overcome that in you, you'll realize he's not the prize you think he is and you'll love yourself enough to know you deserve better then the likes of him.

 

I wouldn't waste your money on couples counseling at this point. It's personal therapy for him and reams of it. If he won't go, if he thinks there is nothing wrong with the way he is then there is zero hope of him giving up his need for strange. I'm so sorry you fell for someone like him. Look after yourself right now and read everything you can on codependency while you do your best to conjure up the strength to leave the horrible man you find yourself addicted to.

[chelsea1032]

Thank you for your advice. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I am actively looking for a therapist.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How long did you live together and when did you move out? The best thing you could focus on is yourself, your coping skills, your drinking and your self esteem. Consider a job change and taking some courses. Do all you can to work on yourself. Go to a doctor/therapist to get a checkup and address any underlying depression, anxiety, substance abuse, etc. Get therapy, get healthy and in shape, improve your image with new clothes, hair,etc to improve your self esteem. Get support from trusted friends and family. Improve your social life. Get some interests such as volunteering, joining clubs or groups.

 

Expecting him to go to "couples counseling" and seek help for his "narcissism and addiction" is unrealistic.You are trying to fix him, when the only person you can and should be working on is yourself. Go no contact. Stop stalking him. Block and delete him from your devices and social media.

I worked until 4 am, drank a lot to hide my feelings, and was hardly ever in the mood for sex.

[Lambert]

I just want to say first of all, you will get through this it just depends on now or later, when he does it again. So that's your choice: continue on this cycle or move forward with your life and heal.

 

No matter how sorry he is or whether you have the right to know where he is or who he's sleeping with or any other information it's really irrelevant.

 

When I think about a happy loving relationship a big part of that is trust. Not only trust that the person won't cheat on you, but trust that they are working in the best interest of the relationship and there by association the best interest of you.

 

To say that something is none of your business goes completely against my above thought.

 

You've given him the benefit of the doubt many times, 10 years worth actually and there's not anything more you can do for the relationship. However there's a world of things you can do for yourself! to set yourself up to being a good place emotionally and hopefully find a loving relationship when you're ready.

 

Good luck to you. Post here when you need to talk and know that you deserve better than this. You can do better. Don't continue a mistake just because you've been making it for a long time. Let It Go be open to letting it go.

 

It is really hard to untangle your life from someone else, especially after a long term relationship. It will take time and you will question yourself, make more mistakes and who knows what else. Just try to love yourself and support yourself through this tough time.