How Do I Decide!

[ambivalent1]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years now. We started dating in college, when we were both 21. We live together in the city, without roommates. We get along great, he's my best friend, and he's such a good person. The only catch is that for the last year or 2, I've had these nagging doubts as things have gotten more serious. It feels like maybe something is missing. I feel like I should be very excited to marry the person I'm going to be with forever, and instead I keep wondering if he's the one for me, forever. There are some things we don't have in common but I think the biggest issue is the lack of excitement.

 

We tried to have a talk last week and I said I was feeling unsure and freaked out. This really hurt him and was crushing... we've ended up deciding to work on things for a week. I feel so sad without him, but with him I'm freaking out about the future.

 

I've also been talking to/hanging out with another guy for some time. I came clean and told him I have a boyfriend- it has just been purely platonic. But, I do think I have serious feelings for him. It's gone on so long though (my boyfriend and I took a break at one point, so we were able to go on what were basically dates) that I think he's lost interest. He's told me that he's not looking to date anyone right now.

 

I'm so scared of losing my best friend and ruining a great relationship, just because I can't decide. I also feel like I've blown it with someone else at the exact same time. Anyone have any advice on how to decide once and for all???

 

Thanks!

Ambivalent1

[ThatwasThen]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years now. We started dating in college, when we were both 21. We live together in the city, without roommates. We get along great, he's my best friend, and he's such a good person. The only catch is that for the last year or 2, I've had these nagging doubts as things have gotten more serious. It feels like maybe something is missing. I feel like I should be very excited to marry the person I'm going to be with forever, and instead I keep wondering if he's the one for me, forever. There are some things we don't have in common but I think the biggest issue is the lack of excitement.

 

We tried to have a talk last week and I said I was feeling unsure and freaked out. This really hurt him and was crushing... we've ended up deciding to work on things for a week. I feel so sad without him, but with him I'm freaking out about the future.

 

I've also been talking to/hanging out with another guy for some time. I came clean and told him I have a boyfriend- it has just been purely platonic. But, I do think I have serious feelings for him. It's gone on so long though (my boyfriend and I took a break at one point, so we were able to go on what were basically dates) that I think he's lost interest. He's told me that he's not looking to date anyone right now.

 

I'm so scared of losing my best friend and ruining a great relationship, just because I can't decide. I also feel like I've blown it with someone else at the exact same time. Anyone have any advice on how to decide once and for all???

 

Thanks!

Ambivalent1

 

The only catch is that for the last year or 2, I've had these nagging doubts as things have gotten more serious. It feels like maybe something is missing. I feel like I should be very excited to marry the person I'm going to be with forever, and instead I keep wondering if he's the one for me, forever. There are some things we don't have in common but I think the biggest issue is the lack of excitement.

Did this guy you're crushing on come into your life in the last year or 2?

Did your crush know you were in a live-in relationship when you first started hanging out?

 

Adding: Its no wonder you think your live in relationship isn't "exciting" when you've been having clandestine meet ups with another man who you're crushing on. How can your boyfriend remedy your lack of excitement with him when there is another boy you've been getting excited with?

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry but you've already made that choice when you chose to cheat on your boyfriend. Trade-ins usually backfire and come back to haunt you.

 

Why not take a step back, and look at this in a realistic light?

[DanZee]

Well, you're 21 and you're still too young to be thinking about marriage. You've barely dated anybody else. Your boyfriend may not be your one and only. You probably need to date more people before you settle down, and I think that you're feeling like you're missing out on a soulmate out there. Think about it.

[Everlong13]

If you're thinking of someone else that way then do the right thing and end your relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately neither of them may be right for you. Do you still live with your bf? It sounds like you want complacency and excitement simultaneously. The sure bet of a live in bf and the thrill of emotional cheating. Maybe you've been dating the same guy and playing house too long. Could it be time to strike out on your own and play the field?

I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years now.We live together in the city. I've also been talking to/hanging out with another guy for some time. I came clean and told him I have a boyfriend- I have serious feelings for him.

[Regularguy512]

I've been in the situation you're in, and it SUCKS. Big time. But...just consider the following:

 

1.) Every relationship (even with the "love of your life" whether its your current partner or whoever) is going to experience un-exciting times. There is no cure for this. If it was exciting every minute...even THAT would get boring. So, I would not dwell too much on the lack of excitement. If you have a solid relationship and the right chemistry, there are definite steps you can take to alleviate that.

 

2.) Sounds to me like the debate you're having is not: "Is this the right person for me?" but the question is actually: "Can I live with the pain that will result for me and for him if I leave?" That's just what it sounds like. The first question is usually something you ask when you are deciding to do date the person in the first place. We're talking about the first 0-3 months of knowing someone. The second question is, IMHO, the REAL question that we are asking ourselves when we find ourselves in this situation. Because if the person were right for you in the long run, or you were super into the relationship, you would not be having this debate. I truly believe that. The answer to the first question was: "Yes," or you would not have started dating. But...not every relationship has to turn into a marriage. It's the second question that is the one you are really asking...and the answer is most devinitely YES, you can live with it.

 

3.) Communication is good. And it's VERY GOOD that you have talked about this with your current partner. Keep talking about it! That way, you are being open and honest and the person can choose whether or not they want to continue to work with you, and you can better understand your feelings by getting them out in the open. Maybe you REALLY ARE just a little bored and you can address it together! Who knows until you talk and you already started doing this...so that's great!

 

4.) Your almost "thing" with this other guy means that you are "acting out." Meaning the doubts you have in your head are taking a physical, tangible form. That's okay as long as you realize it. Eventually, someone else is going to come along and things are going to go further, and then you may do something that makes you have to go back to your current partner and tell them you cheated on them, or whatever. And then your hand has been forced. That is the way some people operate. But I can't recommend it. Better to be upfront and address your feelings.

 

5.) While I said above that all relationships can lose excitement, I do FIRMLY believe that you should feel joyous and excited to get married to someone. Otherwise why do it? This is not the 1950s where everyone has to get married or else you're considered "weird" or whatever. We have the benefit of a lot more societal freedom nowadays. There IS SOMEONE OUT THERE who can make you feel that way. You just need to be dedicated to figuring out what you want and looking for it.

 

6.) Having said everything above, I do not want to influence you one way or another. Just remember people get together and break up every day. And people also get back together after months or years of being apart. The world is not going to end either way. You just have to pay attention to your feelings and be respectful of your partner and remember this is your life and you have every right to be happy.