Questioning my Long-Term Relationship

[MP17]

Hi everyone,

 

This is a very difficult subject for me to talk about, which is why I’ve turned to an online outlet. I have been in a very happy relationship for 3.5 years now, and my boyfriend and I have lived together for about 2 years. We’ve gone through long distance, a move, various living situations, and lots of family challenges together. When I first met him, I felt like he was the perfect fit for me. In a lot of ways, I still do feel that. We have very similar life goals, values, and great intellectual conversations. We live well together (split household responsibilities, similar levels of cleanliness, etc). He also gets along really well with my friends and family, which has always been one thing I've Really loved about our relationship.

 

I’ve been thinking more and more about the future of our relationship and am feeling nervous about the prospect of marriage. I’m in my mid 20’s and he’s in his late 20’s, and I’m feeling more and more (I guess societal) pressures to marry and be settled down in a relationship. Sometimes I just feel unsure of whether I want to spend the rest of my life with him or not. I feel like i don’t have a specific reason for this feeling, as our relationship is very fulfilling in many ways, and that makes it even more complicated and hard to understand. I find myself going back and forth every few months between feeling super happy, fulfilled and content with the idea of being together forever, and then questioning it and wondering whether there is more or something better out there. I’m really not even sure how to approach this with him, because my feelings seem to have very little basis. Has anyone else felt this way and has advice for me? I would really appreciate it.

[Wiseman2]

Did you have much dating experience before this? It sounds like you are feeling restless like the grass a may be greener.

[MP17]

Did you have much dating experience before this? It sounds like you are feeling restless like the grass a may be greener.

 

I haven’t really- I dated a few people but not long term and so my experience is quite minimal.

[Betterwithout]

Firstly, these are very normal feelings. It's in our nature to question important decisions.

 

Do you deep down wish you can play the field a little more before settling down? You met when you were a teenager.

Some high school sweethearts go on to have excellent marriages. Some... sadly do not.

Life in many ways is a gamble. You have a lot of good cards in your hand though!

[DanZee]

Well, I don't believe there's too much societal pressure on you to get married. I think more than half of couples are just living together without marriage, so you have plenty of time to make a decision about your relationship. But you do have to figure out whether what you have is enough or whether you're chasing a romantic fantasy that doesn't really exist.

 

I know that as a young man I was waiting for Cinderella or Snow White to show up. Someone who was nice and pretty and crazy in love with me. What I found was that most of the pretty girls weren't nice, most of the average girls weren't pretty, and those in between never were crazy in love with me. I had to adjust my expectations. I chose someone who was more of a friend with whom I could spend my life with rather than a hot and heavy lover that might burn out that love in a few years.

 

The guy you're with sounds like a fairly good match. Is Prince Charming, the perfect mate, out there? I don't know. I know there are very few guys out there like that. The number of divorces out there sort of prove that other women aren't able to find their Prince Charming either. But, of course, ultimately, it's up to you what you do. Do you take a chance on ruining a good thing? Or do you keep looking? It's a tough question.

[MP17]

Firstly, these are very normal feelings. It's in our nature to question important decisions.

 

Do you deep down wish you can play the field a little more before settling down? You met when you were a teenager.

Some high school sweethearts go on to have excellent marriages. Some... sadly do not.

Life in many ways is a gamble. You have a lot of good cards in your hand though!

 

I think that part of me does wonder what else is out there, since this was my first very serious relationship. Not that this makes a huge difference, but I met him when i was 23 (I’m now 26), so i was graduated from college and had been living on my own with a job for a couple of years. I have always been someone who is constantly questioning things as they are and wondering what else is out there- in work, my hobbies, my geographic location, etc. So this isn’t very unusual for me. Just as a bit of background for you to go off of

[Betterwithout]

I will give you two real life stories:

 

My boss was happily married for 37 years and she met him at age 18. They were very happy and they were true soul mates. Sadly, he died of cancer last March.

She met another man 6 months later after her late husband passed, and she is getting married in April. She is deeply in love, and her new fiance is head over heels.

 

My ex wife and I met when she was 18 and I was 23. We were married 9 years, together 13. She cheated on me with a number of different men in the final year we were together.

My take on it is that I was her first real love and I had many years playing the field but she had not. I think she wanted to see what she was missing while keeping me in the dark as her husband while she figured it out.

 

anyway, I think life can be a "throw of the dice" We can all get hit by a bus tomorrow. If you feel your chances of remaining happy are there (like my boss did), then stay and be content.

If you think there is a better man out there, you have to decide if it's worth losing a great boyfriend seeking another man.

 

Is there anything you find troubling about him, or something specific that is causing you doubt?

 

Incidentally, I am going through a "grass is greener" scenario myself. I love my current wife, but I wonder if there is someone more compatible.

I too question my job, my spouse, my future, my diet. It's a blessing and curse to have this need for clarity.