Outside perspective.

[DVSRAT]

I would like an outside perspective on a situation I am in. I am usually pretty good at evaluating situations like this, but its hard when you are the one in the thicket:

 

Background: My ex (f25) and I (m31) dated for about 22 months which came to an end, by her decision, at the beginning of March of 2017. The breakup came to a big surprise to me. We spent the next 2-3months in LC. Her reaching out every two weeks for the first 2 months, reminding me how much she “missed me”, how “this was the hardest thing she has ever had to do”, “ i’m her soul mate”, yadda yadda yadda. I fell for it and chased her but she was adamant that this was "right for the both of us” . Then nothing for months on end. She did send me a “Happy Birthday” text at 12:01am on my birthday in July. Since then, we’ve communicated once or twice with the last being at the end of November. I dropped off an item of hers that I found in storage when I was moving. It was a family heirloom that her father gave her right before he passed away, so I couldn’t keep it or throw it away in good conscious. I just dropped it off in a box at her doorstep and walked away. She did reach out to say “thank you” and “I’m always here for you if you need anything” and that was it.

 

Here is where it gets interesting: I have two friends who are brother (J) and sister (P) that I am very close with. My ex was never introduced to them officially, but I talked about them to each other all the time. So, they knew of each other. Well, in April of 2017, I had found out that my ex sent a friend request through Facebook to my best friend (P). When I asked my ex about it, she had admitted to stalking my FB “all the time”, which I left open to the public, and she “accidentally” friended (P) from there (yeah right). Then, over the next few months, my ex began reaching out to (P) more and more. Becoming friends on instagram and snapchat as well. As time went on, communication from my ex to (P) had progressed from just “likes" to full on conversation, ALL initiated by my ex. (P) has asked me on a few occasions if it bothered me and that she could unfriend my ex if I wanted her to. Now, (P) moved in with me in August 2017 because her brother moved back to Japan to be with their parents and (P) didn’t want to go. So, (P) and I got a place together as roommates. (P) has a boyfriend and has been there for me through this whole ordeal with my ex, so there is zero going on between (P) and I. My ex knows this but continues to message (P) through multimedia. My ex and I have never been friends on line, so there has been no communication through there and I have NEVER looked at any of her profiles or post. I did unfriend and unfollow (P) on everything for obvious reasons, but I told her before I did and she agreed it was a good idea if it helped me heal. Plus, now that (P) and I live together, I don’t really have the need to follow her. What confuses me is that I believe my ex had initially friended (P) in order to keep tabs on me. But, I can’t tell if it’s actually flourished into a friendship between the two. For instance, I don’t think my ex sees it as being friends with her ex’s best friend/roommate and more like just being friends with (P). (P) does mention that my ex posts stuff indicating she still has feelings.

 

My question is: (P) has asked me if I want her to unfriend my ex. (P) told me that the only reason that she continues to be my ex’s friend is because (P) thought that my ex was trying to come back into my life and (P) wanted her to. Other than that, (P) said she is 100% ok with dropping my ex as a friend as our friendship is more important to her.

 

What I am considering is that because the way in which my ex broke up with me (complicated), I feel that my ex doesn’t deserve the benefit of being friends with (P) or keeping tabs on me if she isn’t serious about having a legitimate relationship with me. On the flip side, I don’t know if I have the right to ask (P) to unfriend her without feeling petty. Im trying to determine if I would be asking (P) to unfriend her out of principal or out of spite. Am I just being bitter?

 

Please let me know your thoughts.

 

Also, there are two other details that may play into all of this, but I wanted to get an opinion on just the above details first.

 

Thank you.

[MissCanuck]

Have they ever even hung out in real life?

 

It sounds like this is purely an online "friendship." In which case, I'd let P decide but also make it clear that I didn't want any updates about the ex, what she likes online, or what she posts.

 

If your ex is that immature that she'd try to befriend your friend purely as a means of keeping tabs on you, then she is too juvenile for you anyway. P should be able to distinguish whether this ex has genuine intentions of being her friend or not. Personally, I would not take anyone too seriously whom I suspected only wanted to be my friend to check up on her ex.

[DVSRAT]

Hi MissCanuck! Thank you for the reply.

 

Your words ring painfully true!

 

No, they’ve never met in real life. P has even offered my ex to come to a few events with us as her friend but she has declined every time. And yes, P knows that I don’t want to hear about my ex’s exploits. P also said that if there are any signs of a boyfriend or someone else, she would unfriend her immediately. Again, what’s the the point of being my ex’s friend if it has nothing to do with me. Especially when they were never “friends” until after the break up and a result of my ex’s noseyness.

 

I completely agree, it seems childish for my ex to still be friends with P, if the intent is to keep tabs. Also, it seems equally inconsiderate to continue to be friends with your ex’s best friend, even if it was as a genuine friendship. I mean, I would NEVER continue a friendship with my ex’s best friend just for the very reason of the mixed signals it would send.

 

I guess what I’m also having troubles with is that I’m trying to decipher me ex’s intentions and motives and I know enough to say that it’s only going to get me nowhere with more heartache.

 

I do know, and P agrees as it’s evident by some of the stuff she posts, that there are obvious feelings from my ex’s side, there is just something stopping her from in communication with me directly.

 

It seems like I know the answer to my own question and that I know what should be done. It’s just good to process it outside my own head.

 

Thank you again dear.

[MissCanuck]

Why did she break up with you, OP?

[DVSRAT]

Her reasoning was “the spark just wasn’t there anymore”, which I know was a load of crap. I have a feeling in my gut that says she cheated on me but didn’t want to tell me. There is just too much that says she never lost feelings. But there is obviously something that is keeping her from me. She has had a lot of struggles in her life that I was there for her 100% of the time. That’s why I feel she still has serious feelings but her pride and guilt is keeping her at bay.

 

Before we met, she was a bit reckless and immature, partying all them time and getting in trouble. But from the day we met to about two week prior to our break up she was an absolute sweetheart. She was beautiful inside and out. But since the breakup, she has shown a complete 180 and depression. This is what leads me to believe something is dealing with something internally.

[DVSRAT]

Another thing I’ve considered was that my ex was in communications with P as a way of marking her territory. But P has done a very good job of expressing that her and I are not will not and have never been an item.