In Limbo (long, thank you if you bother to read it)

[Craig070385]

In Limbo

 

Hi, I’m a 32 yo male and I’m in a really low place at the moment, and I know that can be normal when going through a break-up, but I’m just left with an overwhelming feeling that I have nothing in my life left other than our 3 yo son. I literally shaped every single aspect of my life around our relationship and our future that I feel I don’t have a whole lot left.

 

I have one friend, who lives with his mum and is a little immature and beyond that I don’t have many friends left, or many hobbies or interests outside our relationship that don’t involve sitting around watching YouTube, playing my PlayStation or generally cutting myself off from the outside world.

 

To be honest, I’m not really sure what is happening with our break-up. I went upstairs to make the bed on Monday morning and found a mobile phone number scribbled on a peace of paper under her pillow. I questioned her on it and she admitted someone gave her their number on a night out with her friend. They spoke generally for an hour and he gave her it. She then spoke to him on the phone that night when she got home whilst I was on a night shift and then they txt each other for a couple of days before she felt guilty and told him not to contact her any more.

 

When I found it she claimed it was under her pillow because she found it in her wardrobe and thought I’d find it so she put it under there with the intention to throw it away in the morning, but I’m not sure I can believe that to be honest, but she swears she has not spoken to him since. I’m not proud of it but I contacted him separately myself in a WhatsApp conversation and asked him questions that he was nice enough to answer and confirm the same story so I’m somewhat sure I believe that part now.

 

I don’t know if it’s relevant but she has lost quite a bit of weight recently and has started buying new outfits and things and feeling better about her body, which I obviously support and am happy for her, but it has started making me wonder if she has started to become less attracted to me now, which I have asked her directly, but she obviously isn’t going to admit, but told her I’m happy to make a similar effort and get into better shape. Is that why she accepted somebody else’s number, did she feel flattered as she has never got this much attention? I just don’t know.

 

We have been together 10 years this year and our relationship has sometimes been plagued with silly arguments that spiral out of control every now and again over silly things, but for the majority we like each other as people and enjoy spending time together, but our relationship has been in a bit of a rut for a while. It’s either me working and she has our son or vice versa and the times we do spend together are sitting down for dinner and to watch a couple of programmes before she goes up to bed with him and I go to sleep shortly after.

 

We haven’t had sex since early December and it’s probably only about 6-8 times in the past 12 months. There aren’t many good opportunities, but when there is we don’t feel like it most of the time because she hasn’t de-stressed or just isn’t in the mood at all. From what I gather she enjoys the times we do have it but she can never switch her mind off to the point of feeling like it. That makes me feel like it’s me or she wants to be with somebody else because I’m a naturally insecure person as it is, and obviously now with these latest developments my mind is going into meltdown, even though she swears on our sons life profusely she has never ever cheated on me in that way.

 

So now we are in a sort of limbo. When I found the number I told her I was moving out and I’ve now been in my parents house since Monday in a pretty bad way. The only thing I want is to sort through this and get back together, because I love her and I love our little family and I don’t want something like this to break us apart. If she has these feelings I want to mix things up or get ya out the rut or just about anything to make this work.

 

She now says she needs time and while I could move back in now and everything could be fine again for a bit she doesn’t want to feel this way again a couple of years down the line and selfishly hurt me again or say she wants space again. So she has told me to give her around a month to give her time and let her see how she feels, because her feelings for me aren’t the same and wants to see if that can be repaired.I’m trying to give her space, which is difficult as we have our son and with work I have him almost every day to every other day.

 

Yesterday she says she was willing to sit down and talk, I asked her every question I could think of and she answered everything I felt quite honestly. I asked her what she felt when she spoke to him and she honestly said she liked him a little and that made her feel extremely guilty. I asked her how she feels and she said she doesn’t feel the same right now. Is this a grass is greener syndrome thing? I’m not sure, but I’m just happy I got to say my piece to her and reminded her I do everything for her and no matter if we stay together or not that whoever she ends up with, 10 years down the line with them will feel alarmingly similar.

 

She even asked if I wanted to go on a drive last night, we drove to a place over the city and sat there with a McDonalds and just talked for a good two hours before I took her home. She says she understands everything I’m saying but still wants the time and is even willing to go to relationship counselling, but am I wasting my time here? Am I missing something and she’s already made up here mind and these mixed signals are guilt and after the month she’s taken she’s gonna hope I’ve moved on a little? I just really don’t know what to think or do at the moment.

 

Thank you so much if you read all that and if you do have any advice I would appreciate it immensely.

[sputnik123]

hi Craig,

 

Really sorry you are going through this.

 

Have been through something very similar, with the mother of my child.

 

The mobile number keeping (and secrecy) is obviously not good and shows that a few things are wrong in the relationship.

 

You need to ensure that you are spending time as much time with your son as possible. He is your priority, which I am sure you know.

 

At the same time, give the girl space, as she is requesting.

 

The time apart from her will do one of two things;

 

1. confirm your worst fears.

 

2. make her miss you and you can then work on things properly.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Keep posting your thoughts and updates on here.

[Craig070385]

Thanks for replying. Having a pretty rough day today. She told me she transferred me some shopping money earlier as she had everything (we shared all bills, pay, etc) and I replied to that one txt, but I’ll resist any temptation of contact now until tomorrow when I get him for nursery.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like your theory about her suddenly be flattered by male attention may be correct. Don't move out of your place. This gives her time to develop things if there is someone else. Instead, start today making changes in yourself and about this rut.

 

Plan date nights. Do romantic stuff. Say she's pretty/looks nice now and then. Bring flowers here or there. Get in shape start doing healthy activities together. Get a new haircut and clothes, update your look. Get off the couch and help out around the house. Get off the video games and phone.

 

Besides her weight loss and this flirtation also represents the male attention and romance she may miss. Be that guy. If all this doesn't help, well then you've done all you can. Don't hide at your folks too long and stew. get into action and consider this a wake up call not the end.

I went upstairs to make the bed on Monday morning and found a mobile phone number scribbled on a peace of paper under her pillow. I questioned her on it and she admitted someone gave her their number on a night out with her friend.I’m not proud of it but I contacted him separately myself in a WhatsApp conversation and asked him questions that he was nice enough to answer and confirm the same story so I’m somewhat sure I believe that part now. I don’t know if it’s relevant but she has lost quite a bit of weight recently and has started buying new outfits and things and feeling better about her body

[Craig070385]

I’ve already moved my stuff out now, there isn’t really any going back now at this point until things are figured out, but I do see what you’re saying. Maybe I could see if she wants to go in a date in say a week once I’ve given her a bit of space.

[Morello]

I have one friend, who lives with his mum and is a little immature and beyond that I don’t have many friends left, or many hobbies or interests outside our relationship that don’t involve sitting around watching YouTube, playing my PlayStation or generally cutting myself off from the outside world.

 

I think your problem lies right here. Very few relationships can survive that. She probably doesn't respect or is attracted to you the way she was because you don't value yourself. You make your life be about your relationship only. What is your purpose in life? Why can't you make new friends? Why can't you find new hobbies to occupy yourself with?

 

I know it's not easy to change but you have to start making these lifestyle changes if you want to reattract her. Your insecurities may be coming from the fact you think you don't deserve to be in a relationship with her, especially now that she's becoming more physically attractive. You do deserve to be happy, we all do. But you gotta do your part, mate. Just staying home playing videogames and expecting she miraculously will be attracted to you again is just not gonna work.

 

One 'easy' solution: why not you go hard on working out and show her you can change your looks as she's doing? Show some determination, ambition. She'll approve that. But I mean, go HARD. Work out evey day like your life depends on it. It will give you confidence to start getting out of the hole you got yourself in.

 

It appears this is not a lost battle yet, but it will be if you don't change.