fuze Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Hello all, I'm wondering if you lovely people at eNotAlone can advise. I'm recently back on the dating scene, and I'll be honest, I'm not fantastic at it! Anyway, I went on a first date with a guy who I met online. He was pleasant, friendly, the date was nice, but I'm not sure whether there was any chemistry there. I.e. I'd be happy to go on a second date and get to know him a little better, but I can't categorically say "YES, I'm interested!", if you know what I mean. Now, he's keen, and he's since asked me if I'll go to a show with him that he has an invite to. The thing is, that show is in a couple of months time, but he claims he needs to get tickets now. He's sent me various messages about how he can't wait to meet up again, but... is it just me thinking that it's weird to pin something down like that, that far ahead, when you've only met once? Unsure whether I'm justified in feeling a little uncomfortable, or whether I'm overreacting to what could be a nice idea. Thoughts? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 I think you're turned off by how overeager he is with someone who is practically a stranger. Tell him you would love to go to the show and because you two just met it's not a good idea to make a plan like that so far in advance. So I think you picked up his overeagerness on the date and that's why there wasn't chemistry. I'd proceed with caution -no harm in seeing him again -maybe he'll dial it back -but keep it short and during the day or in public. I had this experience years ago and after the second real date and him being clingy/pushy I called him after he left -yes, on the phone, and I said to him that since he lived a distance away I didn't think it was fair to have him drive out to see me again when I was so on the fence. (I would not have been going to his area for a number of reasons which he was fine with). He thanked me profusely and said I was so honest, etc. Next morning I received 5 increasingly harassing emails in a row from him in the space of an hour about how I lead him on, etc. The 6th email apologized and asked if we could stay in touch as friends (nope). The only great thing to come out of it was that I was so fried from the experience that when my long ago ex boyfriend called randomly and said he happened to be free that night for a catch up dinner (we'd seen each other once in 8 years and we'd spoken a few times the preceding weeks trying to figure out a time to meet up while he was in town -purely to catch up). I said yes mostly because I knew it wasn't a date, I knew I wouldn't have to talk about dating and I knew it would be low key. And I didn't have to get dressed up or wear makeup. He arrived super sweaty having rushed over from the wrong restaurant with the same name. We've been married 9 years. So, moral of the story is - yes, it's a pinkish-red flag. Sometimes people who are overwhelming/try too hard might have just been having an off night. If he responds well to your declining the concert and if he's keen on getting together again for something low key, then see him -if he continues to be pushy. Run. Like the wind. And hopefully into the arms of someone right for you LOL. Link to comment
fuze Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Thanks for the response, Batya. Maybe you're right... I mean if he'd brought it up nearer the time and we were still enjoying each other's company by then, I'd 100% be game. But the thing is, the date didn't flow quite as well as it could have. I mean it was still nice, and maybe there's potential there, but I have to be able to relax a little more with somebody before I know that... and he's now pressing for a yes/no and I'm stalling on my messaging back because I don't quite know what to say. It's interesting what you say about your experience. My last ex was clingy, and I do struggle with that, but equally I don't want to throw a guard up against that kind of thing if I'm misreading a situation and being a little overzealous. I'll bear the running in mind. Fingers crossed! Haha! Link to comment
Andrina Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 I'd simply say: No, I can't commit to anything two months away. I would see how a second date goes unless he starts pouting about you not wanting to accept an invitation two months away. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Yes it can be a fine line which is why a second date or third is ok if he just backs off. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Hi fuze, I've experienced this same thing more times than I can count! So here is my take fwiw. Chemistry/energy is mutual so when a man either says or acts in ways that indicate *he* is feeling it, but *I'm* not, something else is going on, it's not genuine chemistry. If it were, I would be feeling it too! What's most likely going on with him is that he's either enthralled by your beauty/essence, desperate, lonely, or a combination of all those things. Or something else. But it's not genuine chemistry otherwise as I said, you would be feeling it too. There would be no question about it. When you feel it, you know it, you won't have to wonder whether it's there or not. So, for me, given how strong this man is coming on, so soon, before knowing much about you, other than how you look, how you carry yourself, your voice, a few words exchanged, I would not see him again. I don't trust men who come on like that when I'm not feeling it. There's always something else going on with them, and it's never been good or positive in my experience. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 I don't agree in my experience with the "you just know" -sometimes you do and sometimes especially on the first number of dates you could have a spark or a potential for one but something is blocking it -could be fear/insecurity/baggage on one part or another - so in my experience I gave it 4 dates if I was on the fence and if by date 4 I didn't desire to kiss him or enjoy kissing him I moved on. That way no one got lead on and it didn't drag things out. I know in my experience and vicarious experiences chemistry can often be one sided -crushes that aren't reciprocated ,etc. And many instances where happily married couples who are passionate about each other didn't feel it at first - usually one of the two not both. All these different experiences are what makes the world go round! OP if he is understanding about your reluctance to go to the concert and if he realizes he is coming on too strong, give him another chance. Link to comment
milly007 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 If you're interested in meeting up again, tell him you'd like to meet up again and get to know each other. But, that agreeing to go an event with him two months down the road doesn't feel right at this point, since you're still in the very early stages of getting to know each other. He's definitely overly eager. Keep those eyes open moving forward; that's if you decide to continue getting to know him. Link to comment
fuze Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Thank you for the responses! They're very helpful. As I said earlier, I stalled slightly on the response because I wasn't sure quite how to handle this (by slightly, I mean 24 hours or so), he's messaged me twice in the meantime, despite him knowing that yesterday was due to be a busy day for me. It does feel rather over-keen... combined with a couple of other little niggles maybe I'm best off leaving this one? You've confirmed what my gut was telling me, so thank you all :-) Link to comment
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