My lifes a mess

[kathy679]

I dont really know where to start.

For ages now my relationship with my mother has been strained. Ive been living with her and its not been a plesant expereince so im moving out.

Shes very finicky about her house.for example, if i dont put the right sized lid on the food in the microwave its the end of the world. I was told im not allowed to go in the garage unless she opens the door for me to go in there as im not allowed to open it myself. Shes getting work done to her house and she always invites the work men on my days off and early at that. I pay rent and my own way yet there are so many rules and regulations its impossible to please this woman. Every single work man shes had round to do her house she has found something shes not happy about. You cant please this woman.

 

Anyway, its obvious i needed to move out so i went and brought myself a narrowboat.

Anyway just after i paid the deposit i was diagnosed with bulging discs in my spine and i am now told i cant do any lifting, bending or anything. These are all things that are unaviodable on a boat. So ive had no choice i have to go. Im under all this pressure now and im about to start moving out.

 

A few things have happened recently, she droped my £500 amp on the floor and broke it when she tried to move a cupboard with it on top. I did shout at her because i was angry she didnt move the amp first but her reaction was not sorry i broke uour amp but she wasnt sorry at all. She shouted back and told me to get lost. I just want to sayI never shout at her, i normally bite my lip and pent everything up but i was very angry she broke it as it was expensive.

 

The other night i invited my boyfriend around and we was watching tv upstairs. All of a sudden i had this angry banging on my door telling me that she wants to go to bed. When i opened the door she said she had callled me from downsairs.I tried to reason with her and tell her that i didnt hear her but she carried on shouting at me.she wasnt having it that i genuinly didnt hear her calling me from downstairs. She totally over reacted it was weird.. There was no point in me being calm after that so i lost my rag myself and then i left and stayed out for days.. My boyfriend said he was not coming back around as he doesnt feel comfortable either. He thinks shes out of order as well.

 

I have stayed out for 6 days now as i no i needed space but only came back tonight as i had no where else to go until my boat is ready.

 

I dont no what im going to do. I feel forced onto this boat and its going to end up making my spine problem worse. I really wanted this boat until i found out i had this bulhing sisc problem. All this stress is making it worse as well. I think i will sell the boat now but thats going to take time to happen as it wont happen straight away. So until then i have to live on it. I also have to move all of my stuff myself and im not supposed to lift anything. I just dont no what to do.

 

I think i will put a deposit down on a house when i sell this boat but i just feel like everythings a mess. What the hell is up with my mother? She has no friends doesnt go out at all with anyone she does go to the gym a lot though ...like shes a fitness freak she does 2-3 classes most days.but Her world is this house that is more important to her than anything. Shes so materialist... she never used to be like this i dont no whats up with her.

 

I no when i go i will feel more free, myself again. I dont feel myself now i feel controlled.

I no this regime she has and all these rules are not healthy for me i need to go and i will. Im just worried about the problems with my spine and how living on this boat will implicate the problem even if its even short term. Im also at my wits end as to what to do with my mother and whats wrong with her.

Any advise appreicated im at such a loss here and my mental health isnt great from all of the pressure

[SweetGirl28]

Is there a reason you can't move in with your BF?

[kathy679]

I dont think i love him the way im supposed to. I do love him, but im not sure hes the one for me.

Hes so caring and supportive but i dont no howi feel. Hesaid hes in love with me. I had to be honest an i told him i do love him but im not in love

[SweetGirl28]

I dont think i love him the way im supposed to. I do love him, but im not sure hes the one for me

 

That's okay, it's a valid reason. But then why continue to date?

That's not your issue for posting here anyway though. I was asking because I thought it would be better than living on the boat. Put that up for sale quickly and in the meantime, try to get along as best you can with your mom.

It's only a temporary situation, you know what you need to do to speed things along.

Try not being home so much, keep busy and find things out to do, where your time is not spent there as much.

If it's just a place to lay your head at night, it won't be so intolerable.

[kathy679]

We are not talking at all. There is too much tension and too many bad feelings for us even to be around each other. She thinks im the one being out of order because i didnt jump the first time she called me up the stairs. ( i really didnt hear her) so we are at complete stale mate. I have tried to talk and reason with her calmly but she gets really angry. Its really really odd behaviour. Someone said she sounds jealous maybe that he was around, that would make sense as this is not normal behaviour for her.

 

I think im just sick of all of her rules and im under a lot of stress so for self presivation i am avoiding her. Im in ny room now i wont go downstairs until shes gone to bed as i dont want this tension near me. Im starving hungary snd busting for the loo as well.

 

When i was younger my dad would take my rent and tell me i wasnt wanted and how i wasnt allowed in the living room or kitchen so both my parents have been like this with me. They are both loners.

I think im scared to move in with my boyfriend in case he treats me like that too. Although it will be my home this time not his.

[kathy679]

That's okay, it's a valid reason. But then why continue to date?

That's not your issue for posting here anyway though. I was asking because I thought it would be better than living on the boat. Put that up for sale quickly and in the meantime, try to get along as best you can with your mom.

It's only a temporary situation, you know what you need to do to speed things along.

Try not being home so much, keep busy and find things out to do, where your time is not spent there as much.

If it's just a place to lay your head at night, it won't be so intolerable.

 

Why continue to date. I dont think i can handle the pain a break up will bring on top of moving home and the issues with my mother. Ive told him how i feel, i dont no what else to do about that right now. I think i need things to settle before i deal with that problem.

[DancingFool]

Why haven't you left long ago? You are obviously employed and able to pay rent. Once you are an adult and can pay your own bills, leaving your parent's home is normal practice. To be honest, it sounds like your parents are incredibly passive aggressive. Instead of telling you to move out directly, they resorted to insults, rules and abuse to force you out indirectly.

 

Regarding the boat, can you not use the rent you are paying to your mother to find a temporary roommate or rooming arrangement while you sell your boat? Your bf can help you move. If not him, then hire movers. If you can't lift, then don't.

[kathy679]

Im leaving now thats the main thing.

Yes my mum is very passive aggressive she wont say exactly what she means and that isnt healthy. Her and my dad never used to talk to each other. Their relationship was very strange.

 

She wouldnt say a thing if my boyfriend come over (which is hardly ever)but while hes here you can tell she doesmt want him to visit.hes always polite to her and has even helped her with work shes having done to the house, but after hes gone hes frantically hoovers the room hes been in. Everytime he comes she hoovers as soon as he leaves the door, do you not think thats odd? Like she has ocd or some disorder. Its not normal is it. He doesnt make a mess or anything . Maybe she does the same when i leave but i couldnt tell you as im out the door.

 

The rent i was paying my mother will now pay for the boat licence, insurance heating gas etc so it will cost just as much if not more and i wont have any spare. I could get someone to rnt the boat while i rent a room but im gonn have to look into that as with my other idea of buying a house it takes time to organise...i think a deposit on a house is a better idea than me renting a room tbh as i have a large enough deposit. But like with anything these things take time. I need a break from all this stress for a bit too. I cant keep moving about only to move into the boat then start moving again its too much

[DancingFool]

I agree with you that leaving is critical and good you are doing that.

You can't change your mother or fix who she is. Sounds like to various degrees she has always been like that and unfortunately when people with issues age, the issues simply get worse and worse and increasingly more pronounced. Sadly, physical distance if your best friend in this situation.

 

In your shoes, I'd work on finding good help for the move and then go from there. You can put the boat up for sale while living on it too. Don't jeopardize your back any more than you have to. Also, ask your doc what you can do in terms of exercises to help it and strengthen it or whatever else can be done long term about that. It's a situation where you have to deal with the day to day as it comes and work on long term solutions as pragmatically as possible.

[kathy679]

I agree with you that leaving is critical and good you are doing that.

You can't change your mother or fix who she is. Sounds like to various degrees she has always been like that and unfortunately when people with issues age, the issues simply get worse and worse and increasingly more pronounced. Sadly, physical distance if your best friend in this situation.

 

In your shoes, I'd work on finding good help for the move and then go from there. You can put the boat up for sale while living on it too. Don't jeopardize your back any more than you have to. Also, ask your doc what you can do in terms of exercises to help it and strengthen it or whatever else can be done long term about that. It's a situation where you have to deal with the day to day as it comes and work on long term solutions as pragmatically as possible.

 

Thank you for your advice on what you would do. Its good to hear what you would do in my situation.

Im in and out of hospital at the moment and im hoping they will give me physio therapy to improve my spine. Ive been waiting a while for the next course of action, as with anything to do with the nhs its a long process. So while i wait i do yoga.

 

I agree shes always been like this now shes getting older shes become a lot worse. Shes always been like this but now shes reslly finicky

[catfeeder]

I'd seek paid, government or community resources to move my stuff into storage where I can manage it after my treatment. I'd move into a temporary apartment or boarding room and sell the boat. Then I'd put that money toward a more permanent place to live. Living on your own renders your mother's issues irrelevant and puts your focus on your own life, where it belongs.

[kathy679]

Her issues will be irrelavent when i go, i hope the space will make me feel differently towards her. I know that its needed and its good im leaving juat a shame we couldnt part on better terms. Not really sure jow to tread here as ive tried talking to her but she just tells me to go away.

[catfeeder]

Her issues will be irrelavent when i go, i hope the space will make me feel differently towards her. I know that its needed and its good im leaving juat a shame we couldnt part on better terms. Not really sure jow to tread here as ive tried talking to her but she just tells me to go away.

 

You can make your arrangements while leaving her alone, and then when it's time to tell her you're going, you can thank her for the time she allowed you to stay there, let her know that you love and appreciate her, give her your contact info and tell her that she'll be the first person you'll invite over for brunch. Her immediate response is irrelevant, so I'd just overlook any negativity and kindly act as though all is well.

 

This is a method known as 'stupid and cheerful' as coined by Dr. Joy Browne. It's like teflon, because rather than reacting to another's instability and escalating situations, you recognize the level to which you won't sink, and you behave 'as if' you DON'T recognize the problem. I'd adhere to this method with Mom until you're free and clear of her influence, and then you'll be able to adopt a less charged, more objective lens about how to deal with Mom for short visits--when you'll be appreciated more because of your limited exposure.

 

Head high, and focus on your forward movement rather than getting sidelined by Mom's antics. She'll likely turn less hostile when she considers you less of an invader and she's had her empty nest to reflect on for a while.