Peculiar situation post breakup

[Nightsong]

I'm a guy with a situation that I don't know what to make of and could use some input.

So I was broken up with by my ex 3 months ago after a 1.5 year relationship where were living together. There were several weeks of off and on talk, two really good post-breakup dates, and one difficult emotional night (where I was not very secure in my behaviour), culminating in her deciding she wanted to be friends and was incapable of a relationship at the time. I declined friendship and moved into NC to allow myself to heal over a month ago which ended up being very LC with a couple texts coming from my end around the holidays. I have resumed my NC after a set back due to the sentimental difficulty of the holidays to get myself again in order and moving forward. She had one fling with a guy a month after the breakup which lasted only a week.

 

Over the past few weeks during my absence, however, I believe she has since become involved with another girl. This of course has left me rather confused. She left some subtle bread crumbs/suggestions that she admires other women in ways, but it never struck me that she would lean that way in a relationship sense given our pretty healthy intimacy and her history being with males. Has any one experienced this before? Obviously bisexuality is a very real thing and don't get me wrong I am open to it and people pursuing love with whomever they may choose, but I'm just trying to make sense of this. Is this a case of her trying to fill the void left by our companionship with the greater emotional warmth/availability of another female? Or is this as simple as a case of a someone that's confused and exploring her preferences and what she wants in a partner? (Which I'd be fully in support of). Would this still be considered a form of rebound relationship, or does this exploration of ones sexuality in a new relationship work a little differently?

 

If someone can provide insight that has knowledge/experience with this, it would be appreciated.

 

 

 

Context of us/the relationship/breakup:

We have an age gap of 8 years with her just entering her 20s and me coming into my later 20s. She is very organized, and manages time and money at a mature level, and had a very loving (and fierce) heart and giving nature which allowed me to pay less attention to the age. Of course emotionally she was not quite there yet, and we're both quite passionate people, but would find stimulation from the intense moments that come with it.

The breakup was difficult, being the first serious, long term relationship for myself and longest for her. I knew something was off toward the end but I persisted in denial, harkening back to months old promises as most dumpees do, not being aware that feelings can ebb and flow, and when the break up happened it felt like a truck that came out of nowhere. She progressively became distant in the final 3-4 months or so, so she had a head start on the acceptance of the possibility of it ending. We were very much in love prior to that period. I'd argue that she was even more smitten with me earlier on when I was more secure with myself and still opening myself to her. However I had job transition issues for the past year or so due to a number of factors, so my sense of confidence and relaxation was replaced gradually by insecurity (of her leaving if I didn't get my situation worked out, and added pressure given my age as I have been somewhat indecisive in where I want to work) and some off and on self esteem issues added in. It did not help that she was experiencing her own self esteem and friendship issues that crested later on, to which I absolutely felt empathetic and cared, but on the surface I did not listen well and would try to logic/solve the inner conflicts she would bring up rather than sit, listen and actually vocalize my empathy like an ideal partner would. Because of my increasing anxiety, and therefore inward thinking, focusing more on my career situation, she progressively felt more alienated on an emotional level by me, unheard, and there was a lack of admiration from me to help soothe her self esteem struggles (which I felt ashamed of following the break up because to me she was honestly perfect). It was mutually agreed that our moving in together was a bit premature and rather than bring us closer it intensified the negative feelings towards each other.

Thanks to therapy and relationship coaching (from a reliable source), I've come to learn quite a bit about my attachment anxiety and the ways in which I was not meeting her needs as a partner and am pushing forward to improve myself in that regard.

Following the breakup we were on relatively good terms with the odd arguments thrown in. As mentioned above, she wished for friendship as she didn't want to lose my presence, but knowing fully well that I needed to maintain self respect and integrity towards her, I saw that as not a good idea.

As for what I want in the situation - I do care deeply about her and with enough growth from both of us, would love for us to be open to finding each other again in the future when we're a little more sorted out and have found our footing. But clearly there is more up in the air here than than initially thought.

[DanZee]

OK. Trying to unpack the relationship mumbo jumbo. (It's obvious you spoke to someone with a psychology background.) You were working too much and she wanted you around more. So you started to argue about what each of you wanted and she bailed out on you. Is that it?

 

First of all, don't think that your relationship with her has anything to do with her finding another woman. You didn't turn her gay. It was just something that she was probably open to. Half the time, I don't know how women can be attracted to us ugly, hairy guys. Lucky for us, they are. Secondly, when girls say they want to remain friends, it's just a way to let you down easy. Women are nurturing and relationship builders. They don't like to just end a friendship. But basically they're saying the relationship is over. It's probably best for both people to go NC or just say hi if they happen to bump into each other. Other than that, don't text and don't chat. You won't heal if you keep on getting together for old times sake.

 

You didn't really say what the arguments were about, but usually they're about one partner trying to get the other partner to do things they don't want to do. Sometimes it's an equal opportunity battle, and sometimes it's emotional abuse by one or both partners. But I can tell you, arguments are never good in a relationship and when they're about petty things, and turn to insults, that's a pretty good indication something bad is going on.

 

So the bottom line is you shouldn't care about what your ex is doing and who she's dating. You should move on and be on the lookout for a nice girl you can date and love. Try not to overthink any future relationships and go with the flow. Just try to find someone who likes you and you like in return.