I'm falling out of love

[Minerva1298]

I don't really want to get into any detail here but, Im losing feelings for my boyfriend and I've been trying to find a way to end things but I am so afraid to in fear of hurting his feelings. But hes starting to notice I'm more and more detached. I dont know what to do or how to do it.

[Krankor]

This relationship has run it's course and it's time to break up.

 

Yes, you will hurt his feelings. But unfortunately that really can't be avoided. Getting dumped and experiencing pain over it is something that 99% of us are going to have to experience at least once in our lives--probably more.

 

There is an alternative and that would be to stay in and do your best to fake it. But that wouldn't be fair to you and it would be even less fair to your boyfriend. Would you want a guy who doesn't love you to stay with you just because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

 

He'll get over it and he'll find someone who's a better match for him.

[Nightsong]

^ It's not necessarily so cut and dry.

 

I'm an advocate of doing whatever you can with a partner to salvage a relationship, personally.

 

It can be confusing why feelings come and go, but there are often pretty specific reasons for it that fly over our heads. Could you pinpoint behavioural changes in him that perhaps make him come across as less emotionally secure now than how he acted initially? Guys can often turn off their partner over time with a growing sense of insecurity over their attachment after they've bought into the relationship and partner (which happens some time into the relationship) when seeds of fear over losing them are planted in their psyche and at that point they are in sort of a protective mode, whether they're even aware of it or not. This applies to guys that have an anxious attachment styles. So whenever you're acting distant, if he indeed has an anxious attachment it could trigger his anxiety because he picks up on this, and will cause him to behave selfishly because of his anxiety. It causes him to act out of his deeply ingrained fear of loss which pushes out awareness of the other person's (your) feelings. This can turn the girl off even more and of compound the issue. But often times (as I learned too) the guy isn't even aware he is doing these things and how it is deteriorating his partner's feelings. So think about what is the cause for this.

 

This is actually common for a lot of guys that get broken up with from what I've read, and the same issue of fading feelings can happen again in future relationships with different guys for the same reason - the shift in behaviour from emotional security to insecurity over time. That's why it's good to dig for the reason for your fading attraction. If it's due to a shift in his behavior, I'd say it's somewhat unfair to him without bringing the issue to his attention, but is also something he needs to recognize and make strides to correct in his actions. But if it's just him as a person and you're certain of this, then sure, maybe you just can't find real love with this person.

 

Feelings constantly change and attraction levels rise and fall based on the behavior of our partner, but just cause they're acting in an unattractive way to you doesn't mean they can't adjust that with some self awareness and spur a reattraction in you. It doesn't necessarily mean they aren't the person you fell for initially.

[MissCanuck]

There is no way to end it without hurting him, unfortunately. That is the tough part about breaking up with someone you care about.

 

However, keep in mind it would hurt him more if you continued to stay and drift further away from him. Don't prolong it more than necessary, if you truly feel you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. I have been in your shoes, OP, and I felt guilty for a long time after ending it.

 

But we both eventually moved on to people better suited to us. People do recover and heal.

[Ganamede]

^ It's not necessarily so cut and dry.

 

I'm an advocate of doing whatever you can with a partner to salvage a relationship, personally.

 

It can be confusing why feelings come and go, but there are often pretty specific reasons for it that fly over our heads. Could you pinpoint behavioural changes in him that perhaps make him come across as less emotionally secure now than how he acted initially? Guys can often turn off their partner over time with a growing sense of insecurity over their attachment after they've bought into the relationship and partner (which happens some time into the relationship) when seeds of fear over losing them are planted in their psyche and at that point they are in sort of a protective mode, whether they're even aware of it or not. This applies to guys that have an anxious attachment styles. So whenever you're acting distant, if he indeed has an anxious attachment it could trigger his anxiety because he picks up on this, and will cause him to behave selfishly because of his anxiety. It causes him to act out of his deeply ingrained fear of loss which pushes out awareness of the other person's (your) feelings. This can turn the girl off even more and of compound the issue. But often times (as I learned too) the guy isn't even aware he is doing these things and how it is deteriorating his partner's feelings. So think about what is the cause for this.

 

This is actually common for a lot of guys that get broken up with from what I've read, and the same issue of fading feelings can happen again in future relationships with different guys for the same reason - the shift in behaviour from emotional security to insecurity over time. That's why it's good to dig for the reason for your fading attraction. If it's due to a shift in his behavior, I'd say it's somewhat unfair to him without bringing the issue to his attention, but is also something he needs to recognize and make strides to correct in his actions. But if it's just him as a person and you're certain of this, then sure, maybe you just can't find real love with this person.

 

Feelings constantly change and attraction levels rise and fall based on the behavior of our partner, but just cause they're acting in an unattractive way to you doesn't mean they can't adjust that with some self awareness and spur a reattraction in you. It doesn't necessarily mean they aren't the person you fell for initially.

 

OP.... I 100% agree with this valuable advice !!! Pure gold !!!

I only wish my ex could have read some solid advice like this back when.

[DaisyMayPorter]

How long have you been together? Like Nightsong mentioned above, sometimes you owe it to yourself and him to find the answers to why this is happening and maybe you can fix it. But if it's only been a short time, then maybe it's best to just break it off. But either way, you have to be honest with him. Stringing anyone along is just not fair. Good luck!

[Nightsong]

OP.... I 100% agree with this valuable advice !!! Pure gold !!!

I only wish my ex could have read some solid advice like this back when.

 

If only, huh? Right there with you. After having gone and learned about anxious attachment styles, which are apparently the reason for why the vast majority of men eventually repel their long time partners (exceptions are abuse and cheating), so much prior confusion has been answered. From a personal standpoint, the knowledge would have very likely helped to salvage things. I had no idea that the stupid, stupid behaviour that accelerated the relationship towards ending was stemming from deeply rooted child abandonment trauma. I, like others, was acting out of a fear of sensing that disconnection, and what you fear, you invite and you subconsciously forge a path of sabotage straight to.

 

See, when you're anxious, you're selfish, because you're doing whatever you have to do to make the bad feelings go away. So you're just doing you, essentially. Not cause you want to be ignorant, but you have to soothe yourself. While doing this you stop really listening to her, you stop putting yourself in her shoes the way you once did, you stop being relaxed and playful. Key ingredients for attraction.

 

Read up on attachment styles, friends. Good chance someone in the relationship has an anxious attachment and has no effing idea. Share it with them. Work on your relationship together. Why obliterate hearts if something can actually be done to resurrect that person you fell head over heels for? Because they're in there, underneath those intrusive feelings that are making them appear like someone you don't like.

[MissCanuck]

Sometimes people really do drift apart and change. It does not always come down just to attachment styles.

[catfeeder]

All relationships being voluntary, you don't need to build a 'case,' and you don't need a good 'enough' reason to get out of one. There are no judges or juries. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote.

 

It's not 'selfish' or 'wrong' to leave a relationship. It may not be popular, but it's also not a democracy. Nobody else will give you or partner back any time you waste pretending to be in once you already know that you're out.

 

Breakups are not crimes, and we've all needed to adopt the role of 'bad guy' in order to get out of a relationship that's not working for us. Nobody feels GOOD about doing that, and there's no way to avoid hurt feelings--they are part of the territory and part of the risk we all take when we form relationships.

 

How to avoid making it worse? Don't try to play therapist or social worker or concerned friend who remains in contact after a breakup. It makes a mess, and it's the opposite of 'helpful'.

 

Head high.

[Nightsong]

Sometimes people really do drift apart and change. It does not always come down just to attachment styles.

 

Fair point!

 

But that would apply more to longer term relationships where we're talking years in plural. How much can you possibly change as people in a year or just months? You may grow into yourselves a bit as individuals if you're young still but really, most of who you are, and especially who you are as a lover/companion is still intact. So while that is a valid in some cases, I don't think it's a common reason.

 

A lot of it comes down to level of attraction. And 'drifting' you speak of could be also interpreted as a dip in that attraction level. It's not about what your attachment style is. But how you handle your style/the level of awareness that you possess and the amount of composure you maintain when it's being triggered that can affect the level of attraction in the other.

 

From what I've discerned through a lot of reading, women tend to make decisions on ending things based on how they're feeling in the moment, which progressively changes and shifts over time based on behaviors in others and how they perceive those behaviors (asking questions like will they still make me happy long term? are we actually compatible still?). Guys can be more set in their feelings once they've essentially bought into a partner. And if they're unhealthy about handling themselves after that 'buy in' then they can really drive away those feelings in the other and push away what they're trying to protect by simply protecting too much, and not allowing that person to feel like being with them is a choice and a perk, and not a cage.

[Nightsong]

All relationships being voluntary, you don't need to build a 'case,' and you don't need a good 'enough' reason to get out of one. There are no judges or juries. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote.

 

It's not 'selfish' or 'wrong' to leave a relationship. It may not be popular, but it's also not a democracy. Nobody else will give you or partner back any time you waste pretending to be in once you already know that you're out.

 

Breakups are not crimes, and we've all needed to adopt the role of 'bad guy' in order to get out of a relationship that's not working for us. Nobody feels GOOD about doing that, and there's no way to avoid hurt feelings--they are part of the territory and part of the risk we all take when we form relationships.

 

How to avoid making it worse? Don't try to play therapist or social worker or concerned friend who remains in contact after a breakup. It makes a mess, and it's the opposite of 'helpful'.

 

Head high.

 

Completely agree with that. It also shows a lack of respect towards the dumpee as a person if you basically keep them there at arms length when they want more, and hold them back from moving forward because you're sticking around and caring for them which fuels their false hope for immediate reconciliation. And from the other side, it further degrades your self worth in the eyes of the person that dumped you if you're willing to put up with a friendship consolation prize after investing your full love in them. You have to value yourself, and if you can't..then you have to find a way to get back to valuing yourself as an individual, even without them.

 

Oh of course, no one owes anybody a relationship. And no it's not fun. That said, breaking up should not be a decision made on impulse if you're a mature person with a certain level of compassion and self awareness. It's voluntary yes, but someone volunteered their love and care for you too, which they never did owe you in the first place, either. And in case you forgot, you invited them in and stoked that fire under their feelings and got them to buy into building something with you. You raised their expectations while knowing you were doing so (if it was a serious relationship). At some point in time you likely talked about future and made promises as well. From a girl's view, it's easy to say "well, things changed. They're/it's just not the same." But often guys will remember those words as clear as day and hold you to the things you promised if they truly invested in you. Once you've helped lead someone deep into those woods to where they've left part of themselves behind to be with you, it's true you still do not owe them a continued relationship where you're not happy, but at the very least (again if you're a person that prides themselves on integrity) you owe the situation a certain amount of thought and consideration first, and them a certain level of tact towards their feelings, and an appreciation for all that they've given, even if you're no longer feeling attracted to them.

 

It's not about saving everyone at the expense of your happiness. You have every right to make the best choices for you.

It's just about making decisions with care and rationality, and being a sincere person at the end of the day, IMO.