I am lost and I really do not know what to do anymore

[Willowandme]

Hi there,

 

I am really looking for some advice, I am very conflicted with what to do and I feel asking people from an outside perspective may help me...

 

I am 32 years of age and I have been with my partner who is 26 for a little over a year now. We feel for each other the first day that we met and have not looked back since.

 

I am a very cautious person, I was sexually abused from a young age and I was with my previous partner for over 11 years and engaged to be married.. however alcohol and drugs were too much of a pill so we went our separate ways... so I do not trust easily and I certainly do not fall in love easily.. but with my current boyfriend it just happened.. I never expected it but, as strange as this sounds, there was an instant attraction and pull that I have never felt before.. it just felt right.

 

Now there is an age gap between us, which has never been an issue at all, he treats me with the upmost respect and loyalty and makes me feel loved and happy... however... the conversation of marriages has come up.. he has said he wants to marry me and build a life with me and then he hit me with... but my family would not approve... he is Muslim and me... well I believe in something but I do not label myself as religious and all that I have been through in my life has made it hard to see a god would put me through any of that... when we first spoke about marriage I also said my family would not be happy... none are religious but with him being Muslim, that would be a big issue, however I have explained that my family love me and my happiness is what would be important to them, he said that his family would be unhappy but once he has spoken with them, they too would approve, but he has a lot going on in his life (one being he has not got residency in this country) and also wants to ensure we are both in the right place and would stay together through any issues we may have, I found this honourable of him to be so honest and I appreciated that.. then during a conversation not long ago, he said he does not want to break my heart and when our families find out that is what will happen and that I would blame him for putting me in this situation (I was confused by what he meant, break my heart as in with our families not approving and having to battle against it or if his family do not agree he would leave me) he has said all we can do is try and see where this relationship is going but with everything with his status, finding work etc, marriage is the last thing on his mind... which I understand completely.. but with me being 32 I fear my chance of having children going away from me....

My conflict is... Do I stay with him and see where this goes or do I speak with him about teling his parents now to see their reaction before we take it any further or do I speak with him again and tell him that I canÂ’t risk him ending it in the end if his family really do not approve?? This is the only person who knows me I have never told anyone else about my past experiences with being abused... my ex of 11 years and none of my family know, I never told my family for fear someone would get hurt or end up in prison... I knew this affected me and I did not want to do the same to my family... it is also keeping this quiet that has made me determined to put my happiness first... because I put my families before mine all those years ago.. i genuinely have so much love for him, it makes me sad that me not being a certain religion may be the thing holding me back from who I choose to be with and that his parents may end this without meeting me as a person and seeing I have a pure heart and would love and respect their son.

I am so happy with him and I do not want to end this relationship, But I cannot live my life for other people as I have done for so many years. I have tried to walk away from him before because of this and he has always stopped me and begged me to see where this goes... but after reading so many other stories of failed relationships due to religion, I really am scared I already know where it is heading.....

I never go into anything with just my heart and I just want to be happy...I never seek love... I always do right by others.. I just want to be happy... is that too much to ask?

[Randomuser74]

This sounds like a somewhat similar situation to me. I dated this girl of a very different faith, both of us were somewhat religious. We ended that relationship for very different reasons.

 

Religion isn't the end-all for a relationship. Him being a Muslim shouldn't be a deal breaker, if and only if, he is willing to respect your need to believe what you want to believe or not believe.

 

If you love him, and both are compatible for each other, then don't worry about what your or his parents think. He needs to man-up to his parents. He can tell them if he loves you. He will receive backlash for it. He needs to decide if the backlash he receives is worth it for you. Parental blessings is important in an islamic society. They will eventually understand and accept you for who you are. It's not easy, but anything worth having is worth fighting for.

[arjumand]

Be careful. I have seen this happen — his family won’t approve and when he decides to get married he will marry a Muslim woman and you will be devastated. You are fine to date, and even love, but he is not going to give up his family and culture to marry you. He may talk pretty, but that is not how this situation plays out usually. Be careful.

[485HPLady]

I dated a Muslim man that was 9 years younger then me in the past. Keep in mind that their family is very important. Not like anything we can relate to. Also, keep in mind that a Son, is required/expected to care for his family once he is able. Would you be able to accept living with his entire family? Even if they did finally accept you, they will expect you to raise your children in their faith as well as live as they would. Are you prepared for losing yourself? You said you finally want to put yourself first- Being an outside addition to a Muslim family, will definitely not accomplish that.

[ThatwasThen]

My conflict is... Do I stay with him and see where this goes or do I speak with him about teling his parents now to see their reaction before we take it any further or do I speak with him again and tell him that I canÂ’t risk him ending it in the end if his family really do not approve??

He's Muslim and you are not. That right there is enough for you to KNOW (which you do but you're in denial) that you shouldn't waste one more second with this man.

 

The chances of him telling his parents about you are next to none and if you insist on meeting them as his girlfriend, I am also more then sure he will deny you that request and then break up with you.

 

If you want marriage and children then dump him now and find someone who does not have a religious and custom of being married off by someone of their parents choosing.. A virgin in fact.