Getting back together

[mariebriel]

Hi everybody, so as you know this thread is about my boyfriend and I of 7 years together. Back in August of this year, he broke up with me because he wanted to figure himself out without pursuing a relationship and he was tired of me being this jealous, insecure girlfriend who did not want him to go out to places (for ex, parties his girl friends would invite him to). Throughout our 7 years, we've had our ups and downs. Especially in highschool -- unecessary fights, dwelling on little things, being jealous, etc. We have broken up or gone on a break a few times before but ended up getting back together each of those times. This breakup, however, was different. He was more serious this time and I believe it was his breaking point -- it was something that I had said at a party he and I were at to make this decision. During this breakup, I took this time to reflect on what I had done wrong -- realizing that I needed to improve and change myself (my insecurities, jealousy) in order to make the relationship work. He simply told me that he wanted to cut off communication and just focus on himself. I respected his decision and realized that this breakup may be a good thing as it will give me the opportunity to focus on myself and what I need to change. While he was doing his own thing -- of course, I still missed him and being in my room crying for hours did not help. My girl friends reached out to me and wanted to be there for me. They would ask me to attend parties and a club with them instead of moping around and being at home (In my mind, I didn't think these events would help me get my mind off things but at that time I knew he was going out and doing his own thing so I thought why not I try and do the same). Attending these parties and club did not mean I was trying to hook up with other people or even try to be in a new relationship in general. Never had I, during this breakup, "fooled" around with other people. However, after he heard that I had attended these events, he would message and phone me about wanting to end things because of what I was doing. He told me he no longer wanted to be with me, no longer loved me and wanted me to move on so it would be "easier" for him to forget about me -- I was upset when he had said these things just because of what I was doing when clearly he had done the same -- going to a club and seeing his friends. I never messaged him about having a problem with what he was doing as I respected his space (and doing that I thought would help show him I'm trying to change/improve myself and to trust him more). I reminded him via text of my feelings I had for him and would text him here and there, "Wherever you are I just hope you're safe. Have a good day" but he would reject it. Telling me that I do not love him and that I'm enjoying this breakup -- when clearly that was not true.

 

Fast forward to mid-September, the school year begins and he and I finally see each other after what it feels such a long time. Still during this month, he would tell me the same thing -- didn't love me anymore, didn't want to be with me, wanted me to move on. Having been told this not once but several times made me believe that that was what he actually wanted -- and part of me thought why am I still hoping that we would get back together? A week or so later, he messages me and says he's in-front of my house. We talk about what had happened during this breakup -- I believe this was a good opportunity to ask him about the things he said to me. He responded saying that he was not in the right mind set and just said those things on impulse as he was hearing from other people of my whereabouts during the breakup. After hours of speaking our minds, we decided to get back together and give this relationship one last chance -- start fresh, move on from the past and not dwell on what had happened during the breakup.

 

Where do we stand today? Well a few months later after attempting to work this relationship out, we are still together. There were times, however, that he would bring up about the breakup and I would have to re-assure and remind him that I do truly love him -- but also that bringing up about the past was not a reason to be back together. There was a time where he would say, "I almost lost you" and the reason for this is because he believed there was potentially a guy who would try to be in a relationship with me. This guy who had approached me in the beginning of the school year was inviting my girls and I to attend his party and from there, exchanged numbers and IGs -- I did not attend this event nor did I continue to talk to him so I ended up removing his IG and blocked his number (This was requested by my bf and I did it anyway because I didn't think there was a reason to keep it, after all my bf and i did get back together). I can tell that he is insecure himself -- till this day he says it bothers him that I had done these things during the breakup. After a while, it did get better. We are more happier and what it seemed like he was actually moving on from the past. However, just last night, he messaged me at around 3am saying he had a dream I cheated on him and asked me if I had ever cheated on him. And also says that he's heard from other people about what I really was doing when I was single during the breakup. And considering all these things he is hearing he feels I am lying to him.

 

How I feel now about the current situation -- I am honestly upset. I know what I did and nothing did I do was wrong except the fact that I was this jealous, insecure person and I really did try hard to work on that (which is much better now). I am unaware that apparently there are people who are going around and talking about me and affecting our relationship, especially his trust towards me.. It's about to be the new year and the last thing I want is to dwell on what had happened.. I want to move on from the past -- I mean that is why we got back together in the first place. Now I'm starting to think he is not taking this relationship seriously.. He said several times he would move on from it as well and that our relationship will get better. I'm not sure what I could do at this point to have him trust me and to refrain from listening to these people.. It hurts me that he actually thinks about it twice and starting to believe them over me.. his girlfriend.. and to even ask if I have ever cheated on him..

 

Any advice would help. Should I continue to remind and re-assure him? What do I do?

[DanZee]

I think your boyfriend is burnt out on this relationship. I don't know if you've actually changed, but from what you described, you were trying to control and manipulate him and I think he's had enough. Constant arguments are a sign of problems in a relationship. I think you need to take what you've learned about yourself and move on to a hopefully more mature relationship with a nice guy. Get out and have some fun. Blow off some steam with your friends. Have them help you find a new man for you.

[ThatwasThen]

Your boyfriend as mental problems.

 

HE broke up with you and blamed you for the breakup by telling you that you were insecure and jealous and it turns out that he is the insecure and jealous one and he is likely accusing you of cheating and playing around while you were broke up because that is exactly what he was doing.

 

I wouldn't believe that other people are talking about you to him but rather its his own inner voice of insecurity that is talking to him.

 

Do yourself a favor and when he brings up the time when you two were BROKE UP again, you clearly tell him that you will not be discussing this time in your lives again and drop the subject. If he keeps on then leave him for good this time because you two are neve going to make a lifetime together when he's a mixed up in the head that he is. *BTW: What you did after HE broke up with you is none of his business. Whether you dated others or not. Up to you whether or not you want to point that out to him.

 

Breaking up several times with someone is natures way of telling you that you are with the wrong person. Stop trying to go against nature.

[mariebriel]

Thanks for replying