Boyfriend commitment freakout

[StephAndo]

Hi, I’m new to this site (as In i joined today so please understand if I do something wrong)

 

I’m 17 and I might be going to university next year (2018). I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months, so it’s still early days and its been amazing. We have a great relationship and it’s the first time I’ve actually been fully emotionally invested in a guy, with my other past relationships I’ve been mostly disinterested.

 

However, the other night he suddenly messaged me in a blind panic about fears of me going to university. We had spoken briefly about his ex-girlfriend, who he was with for 2 years and broke up a year before he and I started to date, but that night he explained exactly how it broke him and how desperately sad he was when they broke up. He said that he doesn’t know what he wants from our relationship and he fears that he’s going to return back to that sad state when I leave for university. It was horrible and it lasted for 2 days. At one point I was practically begging for him to break up with me as I couldn’t handle the idea that I was causing him this much stress and that I didn’t know where I stood with him. After a long talk I managed to get through to him; I explained that I’m not even going far away for university and how I might not even be going this year. Most importantly, i made it clear that I am not his ex-girlfriend. (When I asked if he still had feelings for her he said a firm No). He seemed happy with what I said and he seemed positive about our future, looking at it more optimistically and saying about how much he likes me.

 

But now, his replies are slow and mostly one worded. He’ll occasionally return back to his normal, funny self and then suddenly back to being standoff-ish. Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this? I’m not seeing him now till New Years Eve, which we’re spending together at his. He told me he 100% wants me there and there is no one else he’d rather spend it with, but I always worry that he’s lying and that he’d much rather be with his friends but he just doesn’t want to upset me. I’m so nervous to see him again and I’m living in a constant worry that he’s just going to dump me out of the blue, which honestly would be so upsetting for me as I like him so much and could genuinely see a future with him.

 

Any thoughts? Please be honest. I don’t know if I’m beinh irrationally I’m worrying that he’s going to dump me or if the way he’s acting is common.

[Snny]

He said that he doesn’t know what he wants from our relationship and he fears that he’s going to return back to that sad state when I leave for university. It was horrible and it lasted for 2 days.

Don't let him guilt trip you from your future. A GOOD boyfriend would not hold you back from your dreams and would encourage you to grow. He will make plans together to find a way to work it out. He will also continue to see to the end.

 

You are going to school for better future opportunities. It's time to become an adult. Love will never be enough for your survival of the adult world; giving up an education for a relationship is very foolish. What other option do you have, to not go?

 

He sounds really co-dependent and it's very concerning (especially if he is going off like this after 6 months of dating... yikes!). It is not healthy at all. You are NOT the center of his happiness and vice versa. You will not be happy in this relationship if he holds you back from opportunities that will financially support you and a future family. He too needs some growing to do.

 

At one point I was practically begging for him to break up with me as I couldn’t handle the idea that I was causing him this much stress and that I didn’t know where I stood with him.

Why does he have to be the one who does it? Why can't you dump him?

 

You basically said here that you don't want to be in the relationship. Make up your mind. You are in much control of this relationship as he has. If it's meant to be, then it will last. If not, then don't fret. It is super rare that high school relationships end up in marriage anyhow because young people change and grow over time.

 

You got two options:

1. Enjoy the relationship. Don't let minor things stress you both out. If changes happen (moving away), then come up with a plan to stay connected. Or just casually date.

 

2. Break up.

[smackie9]

All those emotions that got stirred up inside him are going to take a little while to calm down. That's why he's being hot/cold.....he's just working through them is all. In about a week or two things will go back to normal.

[StephAndo]

Oh no, you’ve misunderstood the education part. I am going to go to universit, I just might be taking a Gap year. I would never put someone else before my education. My frustration came from the fact that when I eventually go Im not going to even be far away and that I might be deferring a year anyway in order to get money and travel! He’s not holding me back, I believe that he’s scared that I’m going to hurt him like his ex-girlfriend did. I was wondering if this was normal.

[StephAndo]

Thank you! I hope so anyway, would be a shame to not see where it could go In the future due to fear of being hurt

[SoulTaker]

Oh no, you’ve misunderstood the education part. I am going to go to universit, I just might be taking a Gap year. I would never put someone else before my education. My frustration came from the fact that when I eventually go Im not going to even be far away and that I might be deferring a year anyway in order to get money and travel! He’s not holding me back, I believe that he’s scared that I’m going to hurt him like his ex-girlfriend did. I was wondering if this was normal.

 

To answer your question, "no" it is not normal for a person to bring up someone in the past. But, it does happen, and it isn't right. It is a sign of a troubled person who should not be dating. It is a lesson to be learned. Do not deal with people who bring up an "ex" from their past. It means they still have feelings for them.

 

Move on from them. Also, you shouldn't be dating if you don't know how to get out of one (if it is not what you're looking for).

[figureitout23]

Oh no, you’ve misunderstood the education part. I am going to go to universit, I just might be taking a Gap year. I would never put someone else before my education. My frustration came from the fact that when I eventually go Im not going to even be far away and that I might be deferring a year anyway in order to get money and travel! He’s not holding me back, I believe that he’s scared that I’m going to hurt him like his ex-girlfriend did. I was wondering if this was normal.

 

No, not at all, you two are slowly intertwining yourselves into a codependent relationship, in my eyes he never coped with his previous relationship and you maybe get a high from being his 'savior'. It is so far from 'normal' to freak out on you like that, it's even farther that you fed right into it and are now dealing with your own anxiety.

 

I'm not saying break up, you two just really need to change course and stop these habits because they will lead to an incredibly unhealthy, hard to escape relationship.