Will this feeling ever end?

[Bumblebee093]

so he's texted a lot since then. He told me he didn't mean to lead me on which I don't fully believe. He knew I was vulnerable, he knew i wanted him back which is why he said that he wanted me in his arms again and that he didn't know if this new relationship would actually work out out. He kept me at arms length. Now he's saying he didn't mean to say it and his relationship WILL work out and he is sorry. I feel for his girlfriend, She has no clue that he has said all this stuff to me. He was talking on Tuesday about a certain sexual object we used to use and if 'i'm still using it and it's going strong ' and then I told him I didn't wanna see him and he said something like 'oh you will be seeing me around ' ?? If he was texting his ex this stuff when he was with me I would be hurt to be honest. No relationship would work on someone talking like that to another female, that they clearly are not over. I'm going through this angry stage and i'm not even sad any more. Just seeing his texts pop up annoy me lol. I'm not going to do anything to interfere with their relationship. Thats on him, not me. I never encouraged it, if anything I asked him what his girlfriend would think of this if she saw what he was saying to me? he told me that he didn't want to keep the conversation negative... I told him there are ways to change the subject into something positive like... how was ur christmas or hows work going... what did u do today or even just saying, this conversation is too negative could we talk about something positive please?

 

Someone of the opposite sex called me beautiful today and it actually made me blush and feel good. I felt really happy, good about myself and I felt like I'm finally heading into the right direction (does that sound silly? just from one compliment?). Talking to people and them telling me that one day I will look back at this and realise that this was for the best and maybe it truly is. Maybe these feelings came to a head and maybe this was what was going to happen for a long time. Maybe this really is best for us.

 

He keeps apologising but I really don't care. I think i've heard him say sorry plenty of times so I've just become numb to it.

 

Tomorrow is a new day and I'll probably will be crying and going back on all what I just said but as you said Carus, I'll bounce up a little higher. I'm enjoying feeling happy today, i've laughed so much, i've smiled, i've even danced around the room and cooked! It's small progress but i'm holding onto this and it's making me feel that the future isn't as dull as I was thinking. I understand that there is going to be dark parts in the future where I just want to hide under the covers and cry but If i remind my self of this day, that it wasn't bad and I knew how to smile and laugh then I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

When sadness hits, light soon follows.

[sputnik123]

Hey Bumblebee,

 

"Tomorrow is a new day and I'll probably will be crying and going back on all what I just said but as you said Carus, I'll bounce up a little higher. I'm enjoying feeling happy today, i've laughed so much, i've smiled, i've even danced around the room and cooked! It's small progress but i'm holding onto this and it's making me feel that the future isn't as dull as I was thinking. I understand that there is going to be dark parts in the future where I just want to hide under the covers and cry but If i remind my self of this day, that it wasn't bad and I knew how to smile and laugh then I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel."

 

This is all good and alot to cling on to, for now.

 

I would strongly encourage you not to respond to anything your ex has to say and continue NC.

 

This is strictly for you, noone else.

 

Hoping tomorrow is better for you :)

[Bumblebee093]

I think somehow the tables turned and he was the one getting worked up and saying sorry, the last text I send was about how i'm just done trying and i've over exhausted myself with fighting and that little bit of fire I had for us has finally gone out and that I wish him all the best. He replied with 'You feel the same as me then, i hope it works out for you too. Be safe dating thou' and that is that. Book closed. Locked up and thrown away the key.

 

I'm hoping that I could have a nice sleep tonight!

[Bumblebee093]

Today I've cried once and it wasn't too bad

 

I've not texted or even thought about it but had some up and downs about what he's said to me and that sinking in. Yes of course I would love for him to come back but at this moment in time I think the pain is to raw to even try! And that little flame in me has gone out. I've given myself 21-30 days of no contact and I'm filling up my calendar with things to do, go swimming, see friends, go out for walks on my days off etc etc.

 

Im going to try and use these 30 days to keep myself busy, FINALLY. Learn to drive? Maybe sell some of my drawings online? Maybe one day that could become a buissness. Invest time for me. I hope these days stay neutral and not end up with me going back into a bad mental state

[sputnik123]

Hey Bumblebee,

 

Very pleased to see you have had a better day.

 

Definitely keep yourself as busy as possible, It really does lessen the urge to contact the ex or wonder what he's up to. My advice is to try and keep the NC indefinite.. for sure, set targets to work towards, but don't stop at the "magic" 30.

 

Great that you are making the plans :)

 

Learning to drive is a definite one.. it will open up so many other things for you!

[Bumblebee093]

Woke up feeling a bit meh but also feeling positive. I've been wondering if he's been acting the way he has been - playing with emotions, going hot and cold on me (one min missing me then the next he's not) because his dad has cancer and went into hospital for an op the day he was texting me that he wishes I was in his arms again etc I'm not reading into it but more trying to understand. I know I should have been more understanding to him and shouldn't have acted the way I did on Friday? I know he still shouldn't have pulled and pushed me and cause me to have an emotional breakdown but I shouldn't have even bothered texting him/changed the subject

 

I do wish him best but I know he has set himself up for another heartbreak - one minute saying he can't find another girl cause they aren't me then the next leaving and then jumping into something else based off lust and want and then staying for all the wrong reasons - that is all down to him but I still do care about his wellbeing.

 

I realise maybe *one* of the reasons he doesn't want to try is based of the fact they are in the honeymoon phase, it's positive, wonderful and there's me, I'm the negative, I cause him to feel those negative emotions so he's not going to put himself in that position when he's got something giving him the positive emotions. The fact he also doesn't even want his stuff back cause he knows he will have to face me and I honestly think he's not over me, no matter what he says. He don't want any of the clothes or shoes he's left here and I feel that's because he knows it will be a reminder of me. Same with the ring, it's a reminder of me, of us and instead of healing and getting over me, he's masking it and I do feel for him. I've asked many people about my situation and they all say he seems confused, he does t know what he wants.

 

Im sat here cool as a cucumber and now thinking a little more logical about things, sure I'm still thinking about him and why but sometimes I need to think and write things like this down just to get the thought out my head, sometimes I realise they sound stupid, other times they seem logical. I'm slowly putting all these weird jigsaw puzzles together and they are slowly adding up. Each piece that fits I do feel a little better. This morning was hard to get up but it was because I also had to go to work Haha! I know work is very understanding but it's hard when you deal with couples most of the day and you got valentines stuff already looming around you and people asking you about it.

[Carus]

Yeh mornings are the worst for a while...

 

Everything else, fantastic! You're doing a great job BB*

 

The poison will slowly drain away. Just bring things to the now and do what you need to do to get through each hour...each day*

 

You are healing and learning :)

 

Carus* x

[sputnik123]

Hey Bumblebee,

 

As the main man Carus says, you are learning quick and doing a great job.

 

"The fact he also doesn't even want his stuff back cause he knows he will have to face me and I honestly think he's not over me, no matter what he says. He don't want any of the clothes or shoes he's left here and I feel that's because he knows it will be a reminder of me. Same with the ring, it's a reminder of me, of us and instead of healing and getting over me, he's masking it and I do feel for him. I've asked many people about my situation and they all say he seems confused, he does t know what he wants."

 

This really sticks in my mind. It was exactly what my ex gf did.. she left so many things at my flat since the break-up. When I asked her about it at the time, she said just get rid of it. THERE WAS SO MUCH THOUGH! When I think back, she really didn't want to put herself through getting it, or have all those reminders.

 

Keep it up B.. we are all with you x

[Bumblebee093]

Hey Carus and Sputnik!

 

I guess the poison is slowly draining and I'm not complaining! Today turned out to be ok, it was busy so my mind was distracted. I know i'm not going to get over 10 years anytime soon but i'm enjoying feeling not so weighed down by tears and sadness.

 

 

It's strange how the mind works and makes attachments/links to objects. My ex said more less the same. Just told me to get rid of it, bin it. He don't want it. I know in my heart he is struggling but I can't do anything to help him, not after everything that has happened. I need to put me first.

 

Thanks guys! Thanks to listening me ramble and go into my up n down emotional states. I've got and still am getting great advice, comfort and support. I think just typing my thoughts down and having people validate them really helps! I'm a very sensitive, emotional person. So most of my life and relationships are very deep and connected.

 

 

x

[sputnik123]

Evening Bee,

 

I'm glad that it is starting to turn around for you.. it will take a while as it was a long relationship, but there is definite progress :)

 

" I know in my heart he is struggling but I can't do anything to help him, not after everything that has happened. I need to put me first".

 

This is sooo true. Try not to think about how he is.. Just solely focus on YOU and your healing.

 

It really does help to put all your thoughts down on here, so please keep doing so.

 

We are with you every step of the way x

[Bumblebee093]

Eveeeninnggggg!

 

I feel like it's great progress. I've got so many exciting new journeys for me to take! I'm starting up a little business on the sideline to sell all my art work (prob through etsy), not much but it excites me after studying graphics at uni. Finally the time seems perfect to put all my energy into this! I've also got my provisional license, time to get learning, although my ex is a driving instructor, so i'm just going to have to avoid him XD! I'm starting up swimming again too, Going to aim for twice a week, after work if needed be but would be nice to get back into the water. I can't remember why I gave it up in the first place.

 

It does help writing, I've read through my thread and just seen how my thoughts have progressed and i'm sure in a few weeks reading this back i'll feel a warm sensation over how excited I got over new plans and journeys. In a few months i'll be completely different to who I am now, Thats what I love about life. Constantly growing, Learning and changing.

[sputnik123]

Hey Bumblebee,

 

It is very heartening to see how far you have come in a short space of time! :)

 

Yes, driving should be one of your top priorities now and the lessons are something you can really get your teeth into. Once you have got your license the world will be your oyster!

 

You sound like you are from U.K - am I correct?

 

Swimming is also fantastic exercise too. I am always taking my son.

 

Keep it up B! x

[Bumblebee093]

Hey Sputnik,

 

I am finally looking forward to getting down to driving haha. I've never really had chance and my area is very good with transport (it's easier to get around by bus than car) but it would be nice to be able to drive down to the beach every now and then. It's one of my favourite places to be when I really want to clear my head. Sea air, fresh mind.

 

I am indeed from the UK. Swimming is fab! I used to do swimming competitions and do a bit of training here and there but as I got older other things too priority but it would be nice to get back into it casually.

 

x

[sputnik123]

Hey Bumblebee,

 

Sounds like you have a great deal going for you! Don't forget that...

 

When people are in long-term relationships, or just out of one, perception of self-worth or value can take a hit, but you seem very level headed and confident. :)

 

"but it would be nice to be able to drive down to the beach every now and then. It's one of my favourite places to be when I really want to clear my head. Sea air, fresh mind".

 

I am right with you on that one!

 

Can't believe it's late Sunday evening already and work in a few hours! eurghh!! lol

[Bumblebee093]

Hey Sputnik!

 

I've surprised myself really. I thought I would have been going trough the self worth stage for a lot longer than I did, I am one for doubting myself and everything but this confidence I have going is growing on me and I'm realising, he didn't make me worth any more or less. Everyone is valuable and worth it

 

Starting to have beach blues! Missing the sound of the waves and the feel of the sand on my feet! All that fresh sea air! AH!

 

I know right, I worked today and got to be up tomorrow too! But on the brightside keeps my mind busy !

 

X

[sputnik123]

Morning Bumblebee,

 

Proud of your progress so far :)

 

Happy Monday! lol. Have a good day at work

 

S x

[Carus]

Ok so another chair needed on the balcony overlooking the ocean for BumbleBee*

 

Glad to hear you're feeling better darling* and you're definitely doing the right things.

 

This forum has actually done so much more good in the world than FaceBook ever will...!

 

My own slow and laborious healing process is frustrating and tiring and slightly worrying at this stage, but it is what it is I guess.

 

I also did get a big shot of Hope only 3 days ago though and it definitely set me back a bit....

 

You may have a few more down moments here and there but l have a feeling this won't take you long....

 

And once you're healed, I will miss you BB*

 

Keep It Up

Carus*

[Bumblebee093]

Happy Monday guys!

 

I woke up feeling meh again, but it's the mornings so im always meh lol but my mind started to wonder about them again and I got myself really angry. Like I could see the steam coming out my ears haha!

 

I hope you're feeling ok Carus, as you've always reminded me, we are all here for you :). I do sometimes give myself hope sometimes, maybe one day he will text me. Maybe one day he will want to come back to me but I NEED to stop doing that to myself cause it's giving hope to something that might not (and probably won't) happen. It did play on my mind this morning maybe cause I had a dream about him but it's all swings and roundabouts I guess.

 

AND YES PLEASE TO THE CHAIR. I would love to be watching the ocean right now! Get that sea air in your lungs. Watching the waves crash against the rocks. BLISS!

 

Don't you worry, I'll be around. I love supporting others and their journeys and if mine can help anyone then that's a positive! :)

 

Hope everyone's days are fabulous so far. I've just got off work and ready to snuggle up in bed with a spooky movie and food

 

X

[sputnik123]

Evening Bee,

 

Which scary film you gonna seeee? :)

 

I hope work was ok.. what sort of job do you have?

 

We are in the same boat with the morning thoughts.. I always think of her in the context of her being with someone else too.. not her on her own as such..

That it itself is quite telling though.

Maybe dear Carus could sort out all out a group package deal by his wonderful beach! ;p

[Bumblebee093]

Evening,

 

I skipped on the spooky movie and ended up dusting off the old Nintendo 64. HA!

Work was ok, very quiet. I work as a stock/visual merchandiser in a store. :) quite hands on and creative so it does keep me busy and those creative juices flowing. How was work for you?

 

Yeah, it's such a horrible feeling knowing that someone else is with them when it should have been you -.- makes my stomach go all woozy! It's still sometimes does get me really sad thinking about them but I know that's what's gonna happen for a while just gotta wait it out.

 

 

Ooh yes! Carus sort us out! I was thinking maybe taking some holiday off work to go down to the coast for a long weekend on my own. Sounds idyllic I went away for 2 nights right as me and my ex was on a break. I felt like I was in my own little bubble, with no one shouting at me, no questions... nothing. Just me on my own, clearing my head. . Just what I need again

 

 

Aw you guys have given me more beach blues!

 

X

[sputnik123]

Oh wow.. Nin 64!

 

that's an interesting job.. do you have full say on how things look? sounds cool.

 

Working from home, which is reasonable... still have to get changed and out to do the school run though! lol

 

The way I try and look at it (ex with someone else).. is that after their first night "together", everything then changed forever anyway. The rest is just details. That person no longer really exists to you any more, not in the same way.

 

That 2 day break sounds fab Bee

[Bumblebee093]

Good old trusty N64. Served me fun times since 1998 haha.

 

Woo school run aha I was sat in the school traffic. Kids are all back at school now.

 

I guess so, it's just very hard sometimes to let go of when that was once you two. It was once you feeling all that love but now it's just pain and anger. It's really annoying! A sinking feeling in your belly :( But it's happened now, happened fast and he 'moved on' pretty fast for a 10 year relationship. Even if he was getting over me in our 3 month break. That's the thing im struggling with the most I think, him forgetting me and moving on so so so fast when I'm sat here struggling. Just want to get some sort of indication that he misses me and he's made a mistake. These thoughts are poisonous but gotta let your mind try and work through it all x)

 

Yeah! I do kinda have a say on how things look. We have to follow a guide for like the base so we have something to work from

 

It does sound fab, delicious too. Can a trip be delicious? Haha!

 

X

[sputnik123]

Hey bumblebee,

 

They never truly forget.. part of the reasoning for moving on very quickly is to try and forget, but it doesn't really succeed.

 

After 10 years there is no doubt he misses you.

 

Yes, the more you think about it the worse it gets.

 

Remember that you need to think about you and what you want to do now.. you have all these exciting plans for the future now, focus on them :)

 

A trip can very much be delicious ;p

[Bumblebee093]

Hey!

 

I guess so! I understand when we went on that break, for those 3 months he was destroyed and crying and really missing me, but the fact we kinda went back to how it was for like a few days and then broke up cant mean he's over me? I mean I went through those 3 months too but I guess it wasn't as bad for me cause I had hope that we would get back to how it was, we just needed time apart to breathe. But I guess what im going through now, he's masking with his new girl. Sometimes these thoughts can drive you crazy xD it's the memories that creep up on me in the middle of the night and then the mind just trails off but that being said I've just allowed my mind to let it do its thing, I know it's got to happen cause I know for me, if I surpress these thoughts they only get worse over time. Writing them, saying them is a way for me just to try and acknowledge them and push them out my head.

 

I guess one of the things I'm trying to look at is, he doesn't control me so why is he controlling my emotions and behaviour, easier said than done but it's a nice way to look at it sometimes. Does make you sit back and think.

 

 

Although my future is still very muddy and unclear these plans do excite me for how they will plan out! Im focusing on writing down an action plan on what I want to achieve and what I need to do to achieve them. During my relationship I had goals but I guess my motivation and drive disappeared cause I focussed all my time onto him and work, then work became increasingly stressful so all my time was focused on work (which is prob another reason we're in this situation now).

 

I just can't wait to be able to drive so I can get down to the coast more frequently. Watch out drivers, B's on the loose haha!

 

So in that case my trip will very much be delicious

 

X

[sputnik123]

Morning Bee,

 

Hope you had a good sleep :)

 

"I guess one of the things I'm trying to look at is, he doesn't control me so why is he controlling my emotions and behaviour, easier said than done but it's a nice way to look at it sometimes. Does make you sit back and think".

 

This is spot on and a good way of looking at it.

 

The action plan is also a great idea.

 

S x