Balancing Couple Time and Time with the Boys

[Rosie3636]

I need some help with a conflict in my relationship of 2 years. My boyfriend is starting a new job after the new year and will have training on the weekends for 8 months, making his free time very limited. We spent last weekend together (alone time...you know what I mean) and I thought we were planning the same for this weekend since next weekend he is spending with his boys and the following weekend is a two day party with all of his friends that I am going to as well. New years is already dedicated to time with family. He let me know yesterday that he planned on going out with his boys on Saturday night, but we could spend Friday night together. We got hit with a snow storm making the Friday night plans a no go. Im obviously very upset because this was our last chunk of time we could spend alone together (obviously we have week nights....but nothing beats laying in bed until 2 in the afternoon in each others arms!) Im not going to ask him to skip his Saturday night plans....but I am kinda hoping he offers to stay home with me since he will be with them the next two weekends. Christmas time is a hard time for me (father, uncle and grandmother passing anniversaries in the same week) and I lost my cat of 16 years about a week ago....so im really leaning on him at the moment. It is important to me that we both have a balance between our time, family time, friends time and personal time and we recently had a talk about trying to be better with communication and compromise.

 

So what are your thoughts on balancing alone time as a couple vs times with friends? Any advice for my situation? We are in our thirties and our bond is amazing....we are each others best friend so finding a compromise in this situation is important to me. Side note: We do not live together. Thank you for your help!

[Batya33]

What kinds of things does he do with "his boys?" Do they have spouses/significant others? If he wants space to hang out with his boys, give him twice the space he seems to need. See what happens. If he takes all that time and doesn't spend it with you then talk with him and ask him what his intentions are about you including long term. And what do you want long term? What kind of social life do you have or what do you do when you're not with him?

[abitbroken]

I think that you need to chalk Friday up to chance. He didn't just ditch you - the weather was not safe to travel. He is including you in his party plans. Not all time together is going to be intimate. I am wondering if he assumes that when you see him - its an all day affair and you are not content to meet him and his kids for dessert after they spend the day out. make it clear in your actions that you do not require an entire intimate day and night and quick meets are great, too.

 

I really think that if he does see you during the week, but is making more time for his kids over the holidays - he is doing the right thing. Spending the day in eachother's arms is something that happens more if you were married, etc.

 

He is not responsible for curing the loss you feel with the deaths in your family --- how long ago did they die? What about investing in some family time with YOUR family - mom, siblings, aunts and uncles, if grandpa is still around, etc. So that you can thoroughly enjoy the time you do have with him. I know when i was at that point in my relationship that the holidays were crazy -- intimate time was at a premium because there were so many relatives, etc.

[abitbroken]

Imagine if you were a married woman with a few kids -- the alone time parents have over the Christmas break is at a minimum - the kids are around the whole time. If his kids are school age - i can totally see why he is having kid and dad time. or even home from college. His ex wife undoudtably has them the entire rest of the week

[Rosie3636]

I think I need to edit the title - by boys I mean his crew of guy friends that he drinks and goes out with. None of us have kids yet! Thank you tho!

[Rosie3636]

One more this to mention - he is almost 40 and the last guy in his "crew" to not be married and have kids. He has brought up marriage and kids several times...although slightly indirectly.

[Batya33]

I don’t see the issue of him being the last in his friends to be single. He has a particular group of friends who happen to be married. It’s not a competition. So what kind of life and lifestyle do you have apart from him? When I was single and before I had our son and had a serious boyfriend I also worked a lot, did volunteer work, was in a book club and a women’s networking group and worked out at a gym. I also had friends and went iris th them to do not much or to go to the theater or the movies or dinner or museums. I traveled as well. So I didn’t notice when he wnet our with his friends. I will add that while I was ok dating someone who regularly went out drinking when he was in his early to mid 20s I would not have been comfortable led with a man in his 30s or older whose main activity with friends was to go out drinking. Sounds boring and unhealthy.

What have you brought up about marriage?

[Rosie3636]

I thought I replied before so Im sorry if this gets posted twice - He doesn't have kids, I as referring to his male friends. I do have to disagree that spending the day together is something that doesn't happen until marriage.

 

In terms of my family - almost everyone has passed away. I have my mom, sister, aunt and nephew and they live 6 states away. No dad, uncles, grandparents or cousins. I lost my dad 15 years ago.....but growing up with out a strong male figure in your life shapes your relationships. I have been his rock through several hard times....I dont think im wrong to ask him to be my rock now.

 

I think I wouldn't be as upset if there wasn't a time limit on our time together....at the end of December this opportunities will not be available any more and I am afraid of how that will affect us.

[Batya33]

I thought I replied before so Im sorry if this gets posted twice - He doesn't have kids, I as referring to his male friends. I do have to disagree that spending the day together is something that doesn't happen until marriage.

 

In terms of my family - almost everyone has passed away. I have my mom, sister, aunt and nephew and they live 6 states away. No dad, uncles, grandparents or cousins. I lost my dad 15 years ago.....but growing up with out a strong male figure in your life shapes your relationships. I have been his rock through several hard times....I dont think im wrong to ask him to be my rock now.

 

I think I wouldn't be as upset if there wasn't a time limit on our time together....at the end of December this opportunities will not be available any more and I am afraid of how that will affect us.

 

I'm not sure who said that you don't spend the day together till marriage- wasn't me. Yes, he should be there for you in general. I'm very sorry about your family and your loss. I think asking him to be your "rock" by spending a lot of time with you when it's a social/holiday time of year might "work" in the sense that if you present it that way to him he might do it out of obligation but in general it will start to be a turn-off and he'll resent you. There has to be balance. Holidays are hard on lots of people. Yes -if heaven forbid you lost someone right now then yes he should be at the funeral with you and whatever other related visits, etc and help you with all the chaos -on a practical level too! Try to balance your neediness and clinginess against his need to be with his friends and family and have a fulfilling life apart from you.

 

Find other people and other resources - do volunteer work over the holidays at a homeless shelter for example because giving to others helps with that feeling of neediness. Maybe volunteer at a nursing home or hospice since you unfortunately have so much experience with loss.

 

As far as his future career plans -those are a given. You know about them. If you cannot handle that kind of relationship I'd get out now. Spending more time together now isn't going to balance that out. It's like when I was pregnant and well meaning people said "catch up on sleep before the baby comes!!" Right. When my husband and I started dating I knew what his career would mean as far as schedule and lifestyle. I signed up for it. And that meant when I had to face all the downsides of it I had to self-talk and remind myself I signed up for it. It helps a lot. I suggest you do the same and start now.

[Jibralta]

So what are your thoughts on balancing alone time as a couple vs times with friends?

 

First, I think you be forthcoming and tell him that you want him to spend Saturday with you. Don't lay a trap for him where he doesn't know that his decision could make you upset. I think his actions will tell you where his priorities lay.

 

Everybody has different preferences. If, in a relationship, you prefer to have the lion's share of your boyfriend's time, I suggest that you not settle for a relationship where you split time equally with his friends. It's a tough choice after two years of dating, but wouldn't you rather be happy in a relationship?

[Rosie3636]

Since I have had so much experience with loss Im usually pretty strong....the big trigger was losing my cat. He was the gift my mom got me when my dad passed away to cheer me up....and he died of a heart attack in my arms. There is something called paperclip theory that one loss can tigger the feeling all your losses coming back.

 

I honestly do have a very full life, I have a successful career, I volunteer at a local theater and I play a rec sport. He is similar, full time job, volunteer fire fighter, ect. This is why the small amount of alone time is so important....its very easy to fall into the routine of everyday life and let the spark die out.

[Batya33]

That's great that you do all that. I'm sorry you're disappointed. I felt similarly when my husband would go out a lot with his friends when we visited our hometown for the summer, but that was because that left me solo parenting our baby and being even more sleep deprived -and he would come in very late and disrupt my sleep, etc. He refused to be on a schedule and come back at a certain time even if he'd already been out for hours. So I can relate on that level. There's no reason for a spark to die out and I'd avoid blaming him for that or even focusing on that -instead evaluate what your standards are as far as time spent together and when, etc and try to communicate that to him in a non-needy way -be as calm and matter of fact as you can.

[abitbroken]

I thought I replied before so Im sorry if this gets posted twice - He doesn't have kids, I as referring to his male friends. I do have to disagree that spending the day together is something that doesn't happen until marriage.

 

In terms of my family - almost everyone has passed away. I have my mom, sister, aunt and nephew and they live 6 states away. No dad, uncles, grandparents or cousins. I lost my dad 15 years ago.....but growing up with out a strong male figure in your life shapes your relationships. I have been his rock through several hard times....I dont think im wrong to ask him to be my rock now.

 

I think I wouldn't be as upset if there wasn't a time limit on our time together....at the end of December this opportunities will not be available any more and I am afraid of how that will affect us.

 

Ok. then i was confused. I thought boys=children.

 

I think its totally okay coming into the holidays to have a guys night. His friends from out of town are in town, etc. That's healthy and normal.

What i meant was "reserved for marriage" is that when you are not married, you don't always get the luxury of "spending the day until 2 in eachother's arms" - you live seperately, have separate obligations, etc. , leading up to the holidays, saturdays are precious time to get things done. actually, it sounds like something more that happens in the honeymoon phase - but i was pointing out the geographic proximity in marriage. Why not go on a girls' night ?

 

Its not his fault for your losses and the fact that the cat's loss brings all that back. Maybe grief counseling would be good for you? For a close relative, someone can "be there" for you by driving you to your appointment to make the funeral arrangements, attend every visitation, hold your hand while you make decisions, but even though pets are precious, its not the same. Losing a pet is emotionally like losing a human relative but the things that need to be done as tasks when a pet dies is not the same. Its hard to know "how to be there". You have to quantify what that means aside from expecting him to cancel all of his holiday plans to sit with you. What other things will help you with your grief? Will volunteering at an animal rescue to help others find homes? Will spending time with old friends? i know when the pet i lost most recently died, i didn't want anyone around and i just wanted to sit with my book in the dark