I grabbed my gf in the heat of the moment

[Georgefeelbad]

I've been with my girlfriend for 18 months now and things have been good up until now by and large. At the beginning of the relationship, we lived separately but I moved in 2 months ago. We've both been supportive of each other with work issues. I have lent her the equivalent of $2,000 dollars to help pay her flat deposit and a holiday of which she's paid back about half. It's caused a bit of resentment on my behalf as I regularly pick up the tab for food, drinks etc. when we're out even though we have the same amount of disposable income. She's being trying to qualify as an advisor in her industry for several years and had given up before I met her. I've supported her over the last 6 months or so and helped her through her exams and paid for one of them. She's supported me with my work by regularly listening to me talk about it and giving advice.

 

I've been struggling recently with the business I run which hasn't been doing well and has caused a great deal of worry and stress. I've gradually lost some control over my emotions over the last few months as I've gotten more stressed which has involved me over reacting to small setbacks, getting noticibly stressed and irritated in the car when in traffic or when the laptop doesn't do what I want it to do etc., I can feel the stress hormones coursing through my body when these things happen.

 

My gf and I have been arguing more recently and I've been leaving her flat regularly, sometimes mid argument which she really doesn't like. Again it's the stress that's triggering reactions in me that I don't quite feel in control of.

 

Anyway, a week ago, we were pretty drunk in the flat. My girlfriend had stayed up drinking late into the evening even though she had charity work the next day which I didn't respect. She went over to the fridge while I was in the kitchen and took one of my drinks without asking. I'm aware of how terrible this sounds but I grabbed her by the wrist and shouted at her to give it back. At that point she pulled away and started shouting about it. It's such a pathetic reason to do what I did...

 

I immediately felt terrible and tried to apologise. We stayed up talking about it for an hour or so but we were quite drunk. I did advise her to tell a friend about it as I didn't want her to feel that I was going to try to get her to keep it a secret.

 

I went to bed and when I woke up the next morning, she had already spoken to her friends who had unsurprisingly told her I was a bastard. I decided to leave immediately. When I spoke to her later she said it was over, that her wrist hurt, that she never wanted to speak to me again, that she wanted her flat keys asap without me seeing her.

 

I'm so gutted about what's happened. I feel sick with grief at the fact I grabbed her. I've scared myself and more importantly scared her. I wish she would forgive me for what I've done but she saying she won't. She says I have too many demons that only I can fix which I can't really argue with. I have decided to go and seek help with my stress and with the emotional issues I have. I'm yet to find out what's available but I will start by going to speak to someone this week.

 

One part of me still feels that the love and support I've shown her over the last 18 months might persuade her that I'm worth another chance (she wouldn't be in the lovely flat she's in without me bailing her out once or twice and wouldn't have had the confidence to pass her exams). The other half is resigned to the idea that I crossed a line by grabbing her and there's no way back for me in this relationship. I'm human and we all occasionally make mistakes we hugely regret instantly. Her friends who I think are advising her to stay away from me don't know about the help I've offered her because she's too proud to admit it to them. She won't speak to me about what happened so I've stopped trying to text. I'm hoping that with a bit of time, her anger at me for what I did might subside and that we may be able to talk. I will be seeking help in the meantime.

 

What should I do?

[Capricorn3]

She says I have too many demons that only I can fix which I can't really argue with. I have decided to go and seek help with my stress and with the emotional issues I have. I'm yet to find out what's available but I will start by going to speak to someone this week.

 

What should I do?

First and foremost, you get some professional help. It seems you do have anger management issues and you need help with that. Until then, you go NC and get yourself sorted out first, no matter how long it takes. Meantime, leave her alone.

[Georgefeelbad]

Thank you for your response. What did you mean by NC?

[shessofly]

^^ agree with the above. It takes more than monetary favors to make a person want to be in a relationship and it sounds like things have been sour for awhile. Get the help you say you're gonna get and leave her be in the meantime. Don't make excuses for your behavior - lots of people go through stressful times and are able to refrain from such outbursts. Seems there is something deeper going on.

[shessofly]

My girlfriend had stayed up drinking late into the evening even though she had charity work the next day which I didn't respect

 

What's up with this? What's it to you?

 

"Too many demons that she can't fix" indicates that there is more going on than meets the eye. I do hope you will follow through with getting the help you need.

 

NC means no contact. No phone calls, no texts, no social media following/stalking, etc. No contact whatsoever.

[semaj281]

I immediately felt terrible and tried to apologise. We stayed up talking about it for an hour or so but we were quite drunk. I did advise her to tell a friend about it as I didn't want her to feel that I was going to try to get her to keep it a secret.

 

I went to bed and when I woke up the next morning, she had already spoken to her friends who had unsurprisingly told her I was a bastard. I decided to leave immediately. When I spoke to her later she said it was over, that her wrist hurt, that she never wanted to speak to me again, that she wanted her flat keys asap without me seeing her.

 

I'm so gutted about what's happened. I feel sick with grief at the fact I grabbed her. I've scared myself and more importantly scared her. I wish she would forgive me for what I've done but she saying she won't. She says I have too many demons that only I can fix which I can't really argue with. I have decided to go and seek help with my stress and with the emotional issues I have. I'm yet to find out what's available but I will start by going to speak to someone this week.

 

One part of me still feels that the love and support I've shown her over the last 18 months might persuade her that I'm worth another chance (she wouldn't be in the lovely flat she's in without me bailing her out once or twice and wouldn't have had the confidence to pass her exams). The other half is resigned to the idea that I crossed a line by grabbing her and there's no way back for me in this relationship. I'm human and we all occasionally make mistakes we hugely regret instantly. Her friends who I think are advising her to stay away from me don't know about the help I've offered her because she's too proud to admit it to them. She won't speak to me about what happened so I've stopped trying to text. I'm hoping that with a bit of time, her anger at me for what I did might subside and that we may be able to talk. I will be seeking help in the meantime.

 

What should I do?

It sounds like the ship has sailed. When you say you've crossed the line by grabbing her, I think you are right. The nice things you've done for her in the past are irrelevant now and partners going out of their way for each other is normal in a loving relationship so this can't be used as a bargaining tool to get her back. Not to mention that doing so can be perceived as controlling behavior. Another sign of controlling behavior is the thing that led to her leaving in the first place; you grabbing her for getting another drink. It wasn't nice her of to take one of your drinks without asking, but it sounds like you were more upset that she drank on the night before needing to get up for work the next morning and getting your drink taken did not matter as much. It's her body and she should have been free to do as she wants, unless it was a life or death situation or you were trying to prevent substance abuse which doesn't sound like it was the case. Another thing I noticed is you telling her that she can go ahead and tell her friends about what happened as to not appear secretive. While this looks good on the surface, it should have gone without saying she is free to say or not say what she wants.

 

As for what to do, mention this during therapy and take it from there. I would avoid all contact like mentioned. You don't want to have her report this to the police and be facing battery & stalking charges.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this got out of hand, however she did the right thing. Stay away.

I spoke to her later she said it was over, that her wrist hurt, that she never wanted to speak to me again, that she wanted her flat keys asap without me seeing her.