Abusive family

[CrazyWife]

Hi there. I have ongoing issues with my mother and sister. To cut a long story short my mother and older sister have been abusive to me my whole life. Always putting me down. They seem to like it if things don't go well for me (or anyone for that matter). Things got worse when i left my abusive relationship and put down the bottle and went to university to train to be a children's nurse. According to my mother as she once put it when i was discussing how now where we live u don't need money to go she said you don't need brains to go either. They both struggle academically and u could say are ignorant. My grad pictures are still not up on their wall.

 

My sister is is 36 and is still living with my parents basically got knocked up and dumped so is now basically having my mum and dad raise her daughter.

 

My sister and mother like to rub it in my face that i don't have a kid when i am not sure if i want to but it still hurts. I just wish i knew what to say as it is a sore point just now as dunno what i want. My husband says they are just jealous. In the past my sis has tried it on with boyfriends and tried to ruin friendships. My husband hasn't had this behaviour from her and keeps reassuring me that she would just be making a fool of herself if she did and not me. He thinks she is ugly inside and out.

 

I got married 4 years ago and my mother offered to pay for the wedding but then i found she was just trying to control it and was trying to blackmail me to have my sis as my bridesmaid. Well that never happened and i booked the wedding abroad which was the best thing ever.

 

My dad doesn't help. If they insult me he just laughs it off as a joke. I suffer from anxiety and this just makes it worse.

[CrazyWife]

Plus they make inappropriate comments about my body, my sis likes to poke holes in my relationship and us so curious about what me and my hubby do e.g. stay out all night without each other. There are so many things i could mention.

There has been times my mum has put me down as in regards to my nursing like i should know about maybe a cardiology problem and oh yeah diagnose her sick dog. Either she is trying to put me down or is really dumb. They use anything to bring me down and especially in front of people. My sister is a bad parent and has even got drunk when her daughter was in the house and then went out in the garden and shagged a married neighbour in a tent before passing out there. There has been concerns raised professionally about her parenting.

[Jibralta]

Can you cut off contact with them?

[CrazyWife]

I already don't see much of them. We had a big argument about all this and got back speaking but not much has changed. I am grudging giving my mum a christmas present but don't want to rock the boat. I do miss my dad and still want to see my niece. My younger sister stays there are we are close.

[CrazyWife]

50 views and 1 small reply. Thanks a bunch.

[Vanishing Girl]

What is your question exactly?

[Vanishing Girl]

There’s a lot of info up here about your family but no indication of what you’d like feedback on....Help us help you.

[abitbroken]

They know you as a drunk who doesn't have her life together and now you are someone with her life together and they can't handle it. Before, you were just as messed up and going nowhere like they are. So limit your interactions - meet them out somewhere where there is a set start and end time and leave it at that. Don't get sucked in to hang around the house with them and don't let them get to you.

[CrazyWife]

Sorry if i haven't been clear on all this. Just probably more concerned about getting it all out! I wonder whether to cut them off, be just as confrontational back or just leave it? Do i need to be more assertive? I just feel that they try to put me down cause i am not a mum and maybe they know part of me wants to but i am not sure if i do. Part of me feels if i knew i wouldn't care what others thought. Last time i saw my mum she went on about it and i told her i got my career etc and she just sat smirking in a patronising way. She resents me. Dunno whether or not to go back to my therapist or not. I wonder if it is more a confidence issue.

[abitbroken]

Sorry if i haven't been clear on all this. Just probably more concerned about getting it all out! I wonder whether to cut them off, be just as confrontational back or just leave it? Do i need to be more assertive? I just feel that they try to put me down cause i am not a mum and maybe they know part of me wants to but i am not sure if i do. Part of me feels if i knew i wouldn't care what others thought. Last time i saw my mum she went on about it and i told her i got my career etc and she just sat smirking in a patronising way. She resents me. Dunno whether or not to go back to my therapist or not. I wonder if it is more a confidence issue.

 

COunseling would help you.

I do think that just storming off dramatically would not work.

I think you need to limit your interactions with them and don't let them get a rise out of you.

Learn to not care if they smirk.

I used to have to do this with my ex in-laws - meet them at a restaurant with my ex not near either of our houses (theirs or ours), where we will be there for a limited time (ie, a timed brunch), bring a neutral party - a friend of the family, invite other people and when the time is up, have another engagement to go to. We had enough time with them so they can't complain we didn't see them but not long enough for things to smell. And people tend to be on better behavior in public or in front of others.

[CrazyWife]

They don't behave in front of others and would be passive aggressive. My dad is always saying for us to come over but i just say yes but never make plans.

[abitbroken]

They don't behave in front of others and would be passive aggressive. My dad is always saying for us to come over but i just say yes but never make plans.

 

That is absolutely not right for you to tell your dad that you will come over and then you don't. It makes you no better because you are just escalating the issue. If you yes them and say you will come and then stand them up or never follow through, it adds fuel to the fire for them. Believe me, i was the daughter that didn't visit for awhile or call and my parents are perfectly lovely people and when i finally did, they had "saved up" every complaint and unloaded. It would have been way better had i just told them why i was out of touch instead of avoided them.

 

If they are passive aggressive in front of others - so what. They are not making a scene and that is what you want. Other people will just think your parents are rude or they will let if sail over their heads and you can do - the other person there and their conversation will help you focus on other things or be the buffer. So Uncle Mike and Aunt Millie who are perfectly lovely and you haven't seen in awhile - it would be great to all get together and meet for dinner.

 

That way, you are keeping the connection with your family but not letting them get the best of you.