How can I get over her after I let her go?

[Chichoo]

I have started no contact one month ago. I don't even know why I started pursuing her so hard when logically I know that the relationship didn't work out for valid reasons. I think it was the fact that she moved away to start a new life elsewhere, that is what made me realize who I lost. She is now a 5 hour flight away from me.

Today this is not about getting her back as a partner but about undoing the damage I did to the friendship we should have had after this considering we were close and supportive of each other before we started dating. I wish there was a way, but I have the feeling she will never contact me again.

[figureitout23]

I have started no contact one month ago. I don't even know why I started pursuing her so hard when logically I know that the relationship didn't work out for valid reasons. I think it was the fact that she moved away to start a new life elsewhere, that is what made me realize who I lost. She is now a 5 hour flight away from me.

Today this is not about getting her back as a partner but about undoing the damage I did to the friendship we should have had after this considering we were close and supportive of each other before we started dating. I wish there was a way, but I have the feeling she will never contact me again.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think you are right, once time has passed the odds of you desiring a friendship with her will be slim to none. The reason I say this is because I think if you two had a strong friendship your communication would not have been so poor.

 

There's no relationship to be had, when the choice was in your hands you chose to walk away, it wasn't until she took her power back that you got knocked off center and kinda lost it. I've had relationships like this when I was younger, whoever could show the least amount of emotional weakness won. She did you a huge favor choosing to get off the hampster wheel. Now you can heal and begin to move forward.

 

I know it hurts and I'm sorry, believe me I've been there, but I'm not going to sit here and give you 'ataboys' and blame her for anything because at the end of the day you chose this and when it was her in emotional turmoil you did exactly what she's doing now, emotionally turned your back on her.

 

Again, this is a lesson learned, please don't ever conduct yourself like that in a relationship again, if you love someone talk to them and again, don't EVER break up with someone as a power play/bargaining chip/emotional tool/nuclear option to get your way. Your relationship begins a countdown that you will never be able to reset.

 

With all the issues you two already had this final act was the nail in the coffin, I think she realized that. There's nothing to salvage, you made a mistake and embarrassed yourself but like someone else said, we've all done it, time to accept things and begin to move forward. I sense your relationship was full of back and forth, if so, I'm not gonna lie it'll probably be hard to move on, I dealt with a hot/cold fwb situation I'm still not completely

recovered from and don't get me started on my marriage... something about unhealthy relationships, they can do a real number on ya.

 

One day at a time.

[Chichoo]

Again, this is a lesson learned, please don't ever conduct yourself like that in a relationship again, if you love someone talk to them and again, don't EVER break up with someone as a power play/bargaining chip/emotional tool/nuclear option to get your way. Your relationship begins a countdown that you will never be able to reset.

 

Thanks for the reply.

What do you mean by breaking up as a power play/bargaining chip/emotional tool/nuclear option to get my way?

 

I didn't think it would have worked out in the long term because her goal was having a family soon. That's why I initiated the break up. I couldn't imagine a happy future. She has voiced the same concern a few times, but for whatever reason didn't see it as a big enough problem to break up. She would just be mad at me for a while and not talk to me when I said I wanted to wait another year or two before having children. I asked her why she is with me even though she isn't passionate about me, and she said that she didn't want to go through the whole process of finding someone else again.

I didn't pretend to break up to try and change her mind about this. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. Maybe I was wrong, my feelings for her were real and we both knew that, but if I just can't afford to have a child at this point in my life with someone who doesn't even truly love me back, hoping that her "love will grow", then maybe I think it was the right move and that was the reason I made the choice and stuck to it for a week even if I regret losing her after.

[figureitout23]

Thanks for the reply.

What do you mean by breaking up as a power play/bargaining chip/emotional tool/nuclear option to get my way?

 

I guess the simplest easy to explain it is don't walk away before you're sure that's what you truly want.

 

I didn't think it would have worked out in the long term because her goal was having a family soon. That's why I initiated the break up. I couldn't imagine a happy future. She has voiced the same concern a few times, but for whatever reason didn't see it as a big enough problem to break up. She would just be mad at me for a while and not talk to me when I said I wanted to wait another year or two before having children.

 

You couldn't imagine a happy future because you wanted to wait longer than her to have kids? I don't get it but, you said you made a choice that you felt was best for you, nothing wrong with that, if anything it was a smart and brave move on your part. Nothing wrong with her choosing not to allow you to use her as a crutch while you moved on, that was smart and brave on her part.

 

I asked her why she is with me even though she isn't passionate about me, and she said that she didn't want to go through the whole process of finding someone else again.

 

I thought she didn't say this until after you two broke up?

 

I didn't pretend to break up to try and change her mind about this. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. Maybe I was wrong, my feelings for her were real and we both knew that, but if I just can't afford to have a child at this point in my life with someone who doesn't even truly love me back, hoping that her "love will grow" , then maybe I think it was the right move and that was the reason I made the choice and stuck to it for a week even if I regret losing her after.

 

Did you have this feeling before you broke up? If so it kinda makes more sense that you're so hurt by her reaction. A breakup because your significant other doesn't feel for you what you feel for them is going to hurt like hell even though you're standing up for yourself and doing what's best for you.

[Chichoo]

You couldn't imagine a happy future because you wanted to wait longer than her to have kids?

 

Yes, because I couldn't imagine a happy future with kids at this point in my life. I would have been ready in a year or two to discuss this when I have my career all figured out. But things were uncertain for me and she wanted kids now within the next year. She is 38 and she could feel the clock ticking.

 

I thought she didn't say this until after you two broke up?

 

In 8 months she never used the word love on me and she said that she has deep feelings for me but that she needs time for her love to grow. And I could feel that she didn't care for me as much as she did for our future, but I was totally into her and was ready to wait if she needed more time.

 

Did you have this feeling before you broke up? If so it kinda makes more sense that you're so hurt by her reaction. A breakup because your significant other doesn't feel for you what you feel for them is going to hurt like hell even though you're standing up for yourself and doing what's best for you.

 

In the end she made it pretty clear that she never loved me by telling me straight up. The last time she was willing to talk on video chat was when she arrived at her parent's place. She was so cold and indifferent and I think she even enjoyed this moment when she told me that she doesn't love me. She said she has felt love before but not with me. That was a 10 minute call that I will never forget. She looked at me like I was worth nothing to her while I was crying and telling her that I love her.

And man that was painful because it feels like the entire time I was constantly hoping and fighting for her love and in a way I still am.

[figureitout23]

Yes, because I couldn't imagine a happy future with kids at this point in my life. I would have been ready in a year or two to discuss this when I have my career all figured out. But things were uncertain for me and she wanted kids now within the next year. She is 38 and she could feel the clock ticking.

 

 

 

In 8 months she never used the word love on me and she said that she has deep feelings for me but that she needs time for her love to grow. And I could feel that she didn't care for me as much as she did for our future, but I was totally into her and was ready to wait if she needed more time.

 

 

 

In the end she made it pretty clear that she never loved me by telling me straight up. The last time she was willing to talk on video chat was when she arrived at her parent's place. She was so cold and indifferent and I think she even enjoyed this moment when she told me that she doesn't love me. She said she has felt love before but not with me. That was a 10 minute call that I will never forget. She looked at me like I was worth nothing to her while I was crying and telling her that I love her.

And man that was painful because it feels like the entire time I was constantly hoping and fighting for her love and in a way I still am.

 

Ah, ok this is starting to flesh out into a full picture. Renember, you did what you believed was best, we've all done embarrassing things.

[Chichoo]

Ah, ok this is starting to flesh out into a full picture. Renember, you did what you believed was best, we've all done embarrassing things.

 

Why is it so hard to get over her when I know she didn't love me? Shouldn't I be happy I made this decision? Do you believe her when she says that her love would have grown? Is that even possible?

 

The third time I asked her to reconsider by sending an emotional email, her response was:

"How much savings do you have in total, and when can you afford a child?"

I thought that was cold.

 

There were a few times before when we argued about the financial situation. The fact that she is 38 and never though about saving for the future and then expected me to take up all the financial pressure, knowing that I still worked my first job since I graduated. I have been saving since the beginning but it is not enough to afford supporting her and a child.

I thought I was right to point this out in this situation, but I wasn't. I feel bad and regret for pointing that out. It was like I was looking down on her, and I know it is not her fault that she wasn't prepared and life happens.

 

At one point after the breakup she said that I should just go out and find someone younger and more suitable for me. That's my plan now. Well... maybe not now, but in the next years. I am not in a rush and I don't want to be.

 

Also, I got a job interview on Monday. If I get this job I will be set for the future and will be able to afford a family with confidence.