Breathless Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 hmmmmmmmmm... Well i guess where do i start.... 3 Mths ago I broke up with my partner.. We were living together and working together and things just were not going to well... We were spending to much time together, Working just meters apart and living under the same roof... I thought that the solution to the problem was to end our 3 year relationship and for us to go our separate ways... So I broke up with him, he moved out and I moved back to my Parents 250 km away... The moment I left and moved away i realised that I had done the wrong thing, It wasnt him that I stopped loving it was the situation.. Rather then breaking up I now know that the solution would have been as simple as changing me job and our relationship would have been fine... I have explained all this to him, and he says that he loves me but he is hurt and doesnt want to be in a relationship.. He doesnt want to get back together... I have tried for the last 3 mths everthing i know to encourage him to get back together but all I keep getting from him is that he needs hhis space... The problem is, He tells me that he loves me, we speak on the phone all the time and we catch up and spend time together every couple of weeks... I dont understand... It seems to me I am good enough to take to bed but im not good enough to get back with... We have had this weekend planned to spend together for weeks, and he tells me today that he now has a family friends birthday on sat night and he cant make the weekend... However he can still do friday night... This is after the accomadation and everything has been booked and paid for... I dont undeerstand him, i dont understand what he wants... The only sense i get out of him is.. That he wants space, but he wants me to wait fo him.... Confussed, hurting, and .... well....confussed... What do i do Link to comment
pandorasbox Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 You deserve to be treated this way. I'd done the same thing if I was him. I mean, what makes you think you can dump him anytime you want, and then get him back whenever you want. This isn't a game, dudette. Just get over him and get a new guy. If he's smart, he won't get back with you. Sorry if I'm being harsh, but i'm trying to give a guy's perspective on the situation. Link to comment
Breathless Posted April 20, 2005 Author Share Posted April 20, 2005 so what your actually trying to tell me, is its ok for him to use for sex when ever he want, to keep stringing me along, to treat me however he bloody wants.... I dont think its ok for him to do this at alll... I said to him all i needed was a break to figure out what was right and what wasnt... Now he just treats me however he wants... Im sorry that was harsh and well i just dont agree.... But I guess that is your opinion and you are entitled to that.... But like i said i thought i was doing the right thing... I needed time to know what i wanted, and he needed time as well.... I guess its all my fault... I deserve everything i get... YOUR RIGHT>> Link to comment
pandorasbox Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 Hey cmon, chill out. Don't take any of this personally, but listen to this, he sounds like the kinda guy who GETS the way woman think and what they respond to. As for your saying he's using you for sex, i'm sure it wasn't like rape or anything. It was a MUTUAL thing, which means YOU wanted him to bang you at least as much as he did, if not more. And there's nothing wrong with that, but you can't blame him that he's USING you for sex. As for treating you however he wants, this is exactly why you are attracted to him. He has the power in the situation, and that is what makes him attractive to you, and he KNOWS this, which is why he doesn't give his power away by turning into the nice clingy girly-man again. If I'm right, you're not going to just go and find another guy like i said in my last post because now you feel ATTRACTION for him and you're going to stick around and let him bang you whenever he wants but you won't get to have a relationship with him. THis is all happening on an unconscious level. Again, sorry if i'm being harsh but realize that I'm also being honest. Link to comment
Breathless Posted April 20, 2005 Author Share Posted April 20, 2005 I can understand what your saying and it makes sense... Your right its not RAPE, he wouldnt do that... I just dont understand why if he doesnt want me, why he doesnt tell me to go away.. Why he asks me to wait for him... He told me that its not me that he doesnt want, its a relationship because he needs to get over the hurt... Whenever I tell him that Im going to walk away he begs me not to... he says that he just needs time.. But he doesnt know how long... Is he telling me the truth, or is he just wanting me to hang around for his convienence... I would think that after 3 years together and sharing a life together he would have a little more respect for me then that.... I dont know, maybe im wrong... I have been wrong in the past thats obvious... Link to comment
DN Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 The fact is that you hurt him and he doesn't want to be hurt again. He needs to know through more than your words that you won't do that again. Presumably you used words before to say you loved him and wanted to be with him and then you broke up with him. But you are not getting what you need either. So you should tell him that you love him and want him back but can't go on like this. If he wants space that's fine, but he can't decide anything under these circumstances. Tell him you will give him a specified period of time to decide what he wants but not to see you until then unless he wants to commit to a relationship. After that time, in which you will not date anyone, if he cannot commit then you are walking away. Link to comment
RayKay Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 Well, as for sleeping with you and treating you that way, he is doing it because right now he CAN. There are no consequences for it, basically you are allowing him to sleep with you without a commitment. I think he is hurt you broke up with him, or maybe for him he had been thinking of it too for some reason, but you were the one to actually do it. I can't say which one for sure, though I guess if you ask for a "break" you can't always expect that the person will come running back once you want them back again. Not trying to be harsh, but this is why I don't believe in "breaks" in that sense. To me they often lead to breakups because when things get rough, a break does not usually solve the problems - partners need to work together. You need to set limits....don't sleep with him without a commitment from him. Set a timeline of a month, or whatever for him to decide what he wants. Limit contacts. Right now you are still around each other too much, without being committed...he has what he wants right now - you are giving yourself to him but he does not have to give anything in return. Give him some space to think what he wants...and at the end of the time period if he cannot be with you still, walk away and start moving on. There is no guarantee he will or won't come back, sounds like he is hurt, and maybe confused about what he wants for his future (I got the whole he wants ME but not relationship thing too) so all you can do at this point is control your own actions and don't let yourself be used/strung along while he decides what he wants - set boundaries (ie no sex) if there is not commitment, and give him some space and a set time to decide. Link to comment
Breathless Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Thanks, to all those who replied... I really appreciate the advise... The idea of setting a specific time line and giving him time to decide is great... Im actually travelling down to see him this weekend and am going to propose this to him... NO SEX though, just talk and come to some type of an arrangement... I honestly believe that he does love me, but hes hurting he needs to trust me again and know that I wont leave him... As hard as it is for me, it time for me to give him the space that he needs... Lets hope that I listen to your advise and my own and take the next step along this long road.... Again, guys thanks so much for the advice... I really do appreciate it.... I will be back after the long weekend ( we have one hear in Austrlaia ) and post an update.. NO doubt i will be a mess all ovre again, but i need to take baby steps in order to make myself feel better.... Jade XX Link to comment
RayKay Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Good luck Jade, sounds like you are taking the right steps are a strong woman. Please keep us updated on what happens this weekend, and it is okay to be a mess afterwards...most people in that situation would be. Link to comment
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