marriage annulled

[singingwolf]

Hey everyone.

 

Well, it's been a crappy week.

 

A year ago, over 3000 gay and lesbian couples were married in Multnomah County Oregon, including my partner and me. Last Thursday, the Oregon Supreme Court annulled our marriages. I can't even begin to express how horrible I feel about that.

 

But worse, is that since then, I've not heard from a single friend or family member. Admittedly, most of my family is out of state, so I told myself that they probably didn't see the news on it. After all, they don't watch a lot of news. And if they had seen it, surely they'd call. I mean, if I found out they had been blindsided by some horribly bad news I would call them, right?

 

So, I finally call my mom tonight. After 15 or 20 minutes of small talk, she says, "So, we saw you on the news" and goes on to explain she saw a short clip on the national news of my partner and I getting married and another quick clip as we were coming out of the court house where we got our marriage license. I had seen similar ones, so it didn't surprise me, other than that she'd seen it and hadn't called. I said so. She said, "well I didn't want to get into it."

 

Huh? On further clarification, she explained (while carefully never using the words 'gay' or 'lesbian' and referring to our wedding as 'the thing' more often than as our marriage) that my father saw it and was upset, angry, and worried that someone in their little town might have seen it and, I quote, "make fun of him." But not her. She's not afraid, and doesn't care if they do. Right. And at no point did she say she was sorry for what happened, or any of the things you would expect from your mom, you know? Then she changed the subject by asking if I'd seen the latest country music reality show. Like real reality is too much to talk about. I said no, and I had to get to bed because I have an early appointment tomorrow. Despite knowing I rarely go to bed before 1 am even when I have to be up incredibly early, she took the excuse and cheerily said good night like all was well in the world.

 

God. Am I so wrong to be upset? Is it selfish of me to want some support from family and friends? Especially the ones who tell me they're fine with it. Yet I'm still sitting here without a single damn phone call.

 

I think there's some tequila in the cabinet. Seems like a good time for it.

 

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening to me whine.

 

Sam

[arwen]

Oh girl, that must be so horrible for you. I almost sorry for owning a Dutch passport now, which would be useful for you in this respect. For gay rights, the world has still a long long way to go, in my opinion.

 

I think the worst part is the part about your parents. You need their sympathy and approval more than anyone else's, even if you wish you wouldn't need it at all.

 

Especially them being scared that it might hurt THEIR reputation in some way. I don't know how to comfort you. The relationship we have with our parents can be so complicated and difficult. All I can say is that although YOU cannot change how they feel about your marriage, you can decide yourself to simply be the daughter to them you have always been. Maybe it will make them realize that being gay is part of who you are, not something they should try to change or judge.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

That is really sad. I couldn't imagine how painful it would be to get married and to later have that marriage taken away from the state. It must really hurt.

 

I think that everyone has a right to thier own opinion on controverial issues like homosexuality, as long as they are willing to respect people who have different opinions and lifestyles than thier own.

[Beachbum]

This whole parent stuff really does suck - I have been dealing with this same issue with my parents and I am over 40 now. They have known about my orientation for about 20 of those years. My mother's position is that she is a Southern Baptist who hates the sin but loves the sinner, and that while she still loves me and wants me to be happy, she can never accept my lifestyle since I will be going to hell. My father has pretty much the same reaction as yours did, he is not religious, just prejudiced.

 

There is no good advice to offer in this - I went to a counselor who told me, what a shame it is that your parents will never get to share in such an important part of who you are. And I guess that might be the way to look at it - it is their loss, and it is sad, but it is not something that you should feel bad about yourself for. I still have resentment and anger because of this, but I try to keep it in perspective by saying that if I reject them and throw them out of my life because of their ignorance and their opinions, then I basically would be doing the whole two wrongs make a right kind of thing.

 

Anyway, sorry to be so long, but try not to let their ignorance and their inability to get past their prejudices affect you and how you feel about yourself. My parents and I can still love one another, despite those differences.

[RayKay]

Sorry to hear this

 

I saw on the news this morning Conneticut is first state to WILLINGLY sign document allowing gay marriages (unlike other states where it was forced by courts)....so hopefully more changes come soon for you both.

 

I am in Canada, so a few provinces here have already passed legislation (as the "traditional" definition of marriage was already ruled "unconstitutional" or what have you by the Federal Government) including BC and Ontario, and others are not far behind. There may be one or two that will never allow it as they are far more "conservative" then others, but at least there are many other options up here. I think my own province is not too far behind either from allowing gay marriages.

 

I myself am not gay, however my younger brother is and I want him and his partner to have the same legal rights and opportunities as I do as a heterosexual female. I know they are both interested in having children and have even found a friend willing to be a surrogate, and I think that it is only right they can also be married not only to declare their love to world, but also to be able to have the same family rights with that future child(ren) that straight couples/parents do.

 

I personally find it against human rights to ban gay marriage...the "definition" of marriage is something that has been changed before (ie for interracial couples) and is it really fair to forbid people in a legal sense from something that is a religious etc construct. If there are people who do not "believe" in gay marriage fine, but others doing it are not going to change marriage for them....I think spouses cheating and so on and the high rates of divorce is FAR more damaging than the claims that gay marriage will "undermine" marriage.

 

Sorry, just getting on a rant there.

 

I really hope that changes come soon for you and that it is made legal.

 

As for your parents...that is very sad. I am sorry to hear that you did not get the support you thought you would as their child. In addition to my brother (our parents are very supportive...my mother is even first straight person to be on the PRIDE committee in my province! My brothers partner is part of our family as well) I have friends who are gay and whose parents have been less supportive. They do "accept" it, but don't really care to "know" about it or talk about it, and I know it is tough and would hurt.

[mgirl]

Hi Sam,

 

I'm sorry to hear about this. It is hard being gay, facing prejudice all the time. That's why you need a strong and supportive partner, somebody who understands the reality of gay life.

 

A few years ago, there was a shooting at one of the nightclubs i worked in. It was on the news and everything and nobody called to see if i was alright. I was pretty p*ssed off! So, i can understand how you feel, although i think it's worse with your marriage.

 

Just be strong and rejoice in the fact that you have a loving and supportive partner!