TemporalPariah Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 Close your eyes now and be safe. You can leave your worries and your pain at the door. Close your eyes and know that I'll be here when you open them again. Rest now and take a breath of relief. Your next step in this world won't be alone. No matter what lies ahead, I will be strong when you need me to carry you. Because I know I couldn't go on without the hope you provide me. Close your hand around mine. This world ain't no place to traverse on our own Close your hand and know I will never let go again. We've seen hell and felt pain, now we walk through unscathed As we walk through the rain all our scars seem to fade Proud and strong we will walk through the storm and the dark As a beacon of light in this life, together we stand tall ____________ Yeah, I felt like writing that down. I'm getting more and more certain that I'll always be alone. I've never experienced the feeling of being in a relationship. I used to want it, I fell in love several times and it always ended up utterly disappointing. But by now I'm not quite a teen anymore and it's safe to say I've never been part of that "phase" where kids explore what it's like to be together. It went straight past me as I was "undesirable". Looking back, I get it. I had a childhood and I was, for the most part, just a traumatized kid no one really wanted to be around. This included my family. Eventually I got a few good friends and I had a genuinely alright life, until quite recently. One of my best friends for years got into a relationship a few months ago and I haven't heard anything from him since. I've reached out, but they clearly don't need me in their life anymore. I'm not going to force myself on to anyone, but today I have this sensation I haven't felt in a long time. I'm truly on my own again. I wouldn't say I'm an unlikeable guy. In fact, whenever I do meet people, it's fun for an evening, we joke, drink and have a good time, but that's it. The evening ends and we part ways as strangers. I have great memories from random encounters that were just what I needed to jumpstart that hope again, that I, too, might eventually find a more intimate friendship. And a few months later that hope fades again. I really do want a buddy for life, someone to look forward to meeting again every time. Someone to share with, to have their back when they need me to, knowing they'll have mine as well. That sense of belonging that seems to be hardwired in us all as human beings. I'm just at a loss now because that hope just feels like an impossible dream to me. You know that movie, the 40 year old virgin? That's going to be in a few years, but this isn't some crappy Hollywood movie and not everyone gets their happy ending. I don't see a way out of this one. I mean, I'm not one to give in to desperation, but I genuinely don't see another option. I used to go out frequently and I still do from time to time. I honestly do try to meet people, it's just not working out. Or at least, it has yet to result in anything other than heading home alone again, without having had so much as a good chat. I don't know what to do. As a 29 year old guy, "hitting on a woman" just makes me look like a creep, so I don't anymore and that means I'm where I'm at right now. I tried online dating sites, but the only messages I get are from fake accounts. At this point I'm open to suggestions. I feel like I've exhausted my options and nothing I try gets me even a tiny bit closer to the life I want as much as anyone else. I don't want sex dates and I'm not trying to get laid. All I want is a shot at what seems to come naturally for everyone I know. I'm not some kind of "dream date" and I'm not that special someone you've been waiting for. All I am is an honest, well intending lad who just fails to get anywhere in life despite all my intentions and despite anything I've tried and probably will try for a few more years. Despite it all seeming utterly pointless, I've been fighting for a good life of my own, but eventually you grow tired of failure after failure. I'm not sure I can go on like this for too much longer. Life is looking more and more pointless as I'm slipping back into loneliness. When I'm finally done, I'll make sure to disappear quietly. Get this, I don't need pity and I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I don't want a charity pet on the shoulder and I don't want another bit of pointless advice. I have heard a few too many times that everything will be alright and I'll just need to go on and good things will come my way. You can only fake comfort someone for so long and eventually they will stop believing it. I'll give myself 2 more years. If by new year's night, 2019 I'm still where I'm at right now, that's it. Until then I will keep trying and I'll keep that vain hope that I might just find my own happiness to share with someone amazing. I will go to parties, festivals and bars and try to meet people as I've been doing for the past years. Hopefully it won't come to drastic measures, who knows, maybe even I will find the comfort we all desire. Link to comment
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