Should I stay or should I go?

[once_a_red]

Hi,

 

I had been dating this amazing amazing girl for almost a year now. We are both almost 30 and belong to a culture where there's significant social pressure to get married before a certain age.

 

Things seemed to be going well until about a month ago, when she told me that:

a. She really likes me but isn't able to fall "in love" with me (her reference point for "in love" being her first serious relationship a few years ago)

b. She wants to explore whether she can fall "in love" with someone else or whether she's just being unreasonable in her expectations

c. It would be unfair to expect me to wait and that I would be better off finding someone who feels strongly about me

d. She's not sure about how she feels, but that its probably the best decision given the limited time we think we have to find "the one"

 

I broke off contact and started the recovery process, but then she messaged me after a few days. We were speaking frequently for the last couple of weeks, which gave me hope that there we might still be able to work things out.

 

However, we met at a mutual friend's wedding this weekend, where she was very polite and friendly but definitely did not go out of her way to indicate that she sees me as anything more than a friend (there were other friends of here there who she spent a significantly more time hanging out with than she did with me). After a couple of weeks of hoping, I kinda feel crushed now.

 

I'm honestly not sure about the best course of action here. Part of me wants to stay in touch and "win her over", and the other part of me wants to cut off contact, heal and move on. There's also this lingering regret I have of having not fought harder during my previous relationships when I've been dumped (thinking that it wouldn't have changed things anyway).

 

Hoping you folks can help me gain some perspective on the issue. Let me know what you would suggest as the best course of action. Thanks in advance!

[melancholy123]

I'd say she's not that into you. She's clear yet vague at the same time when she tells you how she feels. Honestly, I'd move on. Take time to get over her, and then find someone who would be truly into you.

[once_a_red]

Thank you. The rational part of me thinks that that trying to move on is the best course of action. But at the same time, I'm worried about giving up too soon.

 

Given how vague she is and the kind of mixed signals she's giving, do you think it makes sense to stay in touch with her hoping she comes around? I keep hearing stories from friends about how persistence sometimes ended up saving their relationship, and I don't know if I'm being persistent enough.

[chitown9]

Thank you. The rational part of me thinks that that trying to move on is the best course of action. But at the same time, I'm worried about giving up too soon.

 

Given how vague she is and the kind of mixed signals she's giving, do you think it makes sense to stay in touch with her hoping she comes around? I keep hearing stories from friends about how persistence sometimes ended up saving their relationship, and I don't know if I'm being persistent enough.

 

You are beating a dead horse.

[Carus]

We were speaking frequently for the last couple of weeks, which gave me hope that there we might still be able to work things out.

UhOh... Having a bit of a flashback here!

 

I managed to maintain this^ for the last 3 months.

 

I was hoping. She was weaning. And now she's gone.

After a couple of weeks of hoping, I kinda feel crushed now.

Yes. Once the finality starts to kick in the withdrawals can be extremely difficult to navigate.

 

Take care and focus on You now. You will be ok*

Part of me wants to stay in touch and "win her over", and the other part of me wants to cut off contact, heal and move on.

Like I said, l managed to maintain it for 3 months and now she's gone for good.

 

Now that may not be how it plays out for you, and you will know where your limits are when you reach them.

 

But trying to 'win someone over' who doesn't know if they want to be with you is a dangerous game to play if you don't have the mindset and fortitude of a rock! And when emotions are involved you may be in for a world of pain....

 

It also shows a bit of a lack of self respect and self love.

 

Both paths in front of you are loaded with pain and landmines, but one might take longer than the other if you let it.

 

I have a friend who has been breaking up and getting back together with his girlfriend for over 3 years now hoping it's gonna get better....

 

Choose your poison.

 

Carus*

[once_a_red]

Thank you Chi and Carus.

 

I'm gonna try going no contact for 30 days to start things off.

 

Like you've rightly pointed out, trying to "win her over" will mean handling many more rejections and going through a lot of pain, which is not something I'm sure I have the temperament to do. I handle rejection really badly and take it very personally.

 

No contact might be equally painful but at least will help me in the long run recover and be a better person (I hope)

[once_a_red]

Ok folks. Short update.

 

I had initiated no contact with my ex after posting about my dilemma on this forum. However, day before yesterday, my ex reached out. She has been facing an incredibly bad situation at work and will most likely lose her job. I was the first person she turned to for advice and support and I felt I had to try and cheer her up in any way I could. I sent her some flowers, told her she will get through it all and that she should not lose confidence in herself.

 

We've been in frequent contact over the past couple of days and I get the sense that she is still super confused about her decision to break it off with me. Maybe it's just the stress (or the gratitude for how I have behaved), but she says stuff like "I need a few more months to figure things out with my life and then I'm most likely going to come running back to you."

 

While her behavior isn't really messing with my head right now, I don't know whether this is healthy or what I should be doing going forward. Any advice would be really helpful. Thanks!

[once_a_red]

Please help! I'm really struggling to understand how to proceed