Is this long distance relationship unfair?

[Jess5638]

My boyfriends lives about 3 hours away at university. Not very far I know but still. He’s been gone for about 3 months and we agreed to see each other at least once a month. However, it’s been a lot more than that. The problem is at the start, he would come over to see me. Now it’s me always going to see him. It’s a lot of hassle for me to go over which I wouldn’t mind if he would equally put the effort in. Overall I’ve been over there about 4/5 times yet he’s only been here once. Not only is this really expensive on my behalf because he will not put any money towards my travel but it’s also hard for me because I have to leave my part time job for a week (and loose money) to go see him. I’ve askes him if we could split the cost of travel and he said ‘no because you have a job and I only have my student loan’ yet he refuses to acknowledge that maybe that’s a bit unfair, and I’m kind of struggling for money now too as well.

 

I love him so much and I know if I tell him how I feel he will get angry and start ignoring me. Sometimes I don’t wanna go over because I feeel angry that I have to spend all my money and he never spends anything on me, it builds up and I end up picking arguments because i feel angry. I’m so conflicted as to what to do.

 

Am I overreacting?

Thank you

[glitterfingers]

If you tell him how you feel and he gets angry and ignores you, what does that tell you about him and how he views your relationship? How much he values you? In the very least he should be able to understand and empathise, since you're doing all the travelling and it's expensive and inconvenient for you

 

I understand him not wanting to split the cost of travel when you go to visit him, but if that's the case then I would personally just stop going to visit him and let him figure out a solution that's fair. Because it should not be only you going to see him and you having to pay for the relationship to survive - he can get a job and come visit you occasionally

 

If he gets angry and storms off, good riddance - he's clearly using you and taking advantage of you

[Snny]

I've been in your situation before (I was your BF) and lived the same distance when my husband and I dated. It DID get expensive and we had to limit visits to ONCE a month only. Being in your boyfriend's position, I can tell you that he is bogged down by midterms (the point that determines where you continue or drop classes), and it's coming to the end of the school semester (meaning finals). He got to see you in the beginning because it was the start of classes... his schedule isn't free like it was anymore. He also doesn't have a job like you do either and is living off of financial aid.

 

You both need to manage your time wisely. You cannot see each other for more than one weekend a month. This is the reality of a LDR and unfortunately it's not for everyone. Him finishing school and passing his classes have a higher priority.

[catfeeder]

You are the only one here who knows the guy, so you're the only one with a sense of whether he loves you and otherwise treats you well. If not, then the problem is far larger than one of travel--so I wouldn't use the travel issue to distract myself from recognizing the bigger choice I'd need to make.

 

However, if he does love you and otherwise treats you well, then viewing the travel as 'unfair' doesn't resolve the problem, it only creates a bigger problem: resentment, which eats at your own stomach lining and won't solve a thing.

 

College is more stressful for most people than high school ever was. Adding a complaint that he feels unable to do anything about will only harm your relationship rather than bring you any relief. So you get to decide how you want to view this issue and handle it. If it means only visiting BF when you have scheduled time off rather than losing wages makes sense. Knocking yourself out for visits that disrupt your life for zero payoff while your resentment deteriorates the relationship makes no sense.