I am so torn and confused

[Furrehjohnson]

Almost 2 weeks ago now my girlfriend did a one day move while I was at work. When this happened I honestly did not see signs of her discomfort in the situation and she had never directly told me anything. In this time we have talked and we found when we moved in together that we still had not figured out how to completely understand and communicate with each other and this was due to her living and still being in a relationship with another guy at that time. In her own words she said that for at least a year they had not done anything sexual with one another, and that she felt he was taking her for granted. That he didnt have to try anymore for her. We started our relationship before that one was over and due to the comfortableness that we both felt around her now ex and that living situation she moved in with me. I had an extra room and she had already spent many nights over with me. The original plan was that she would stay with me and have that room as hers until we found her her own place, but if things worked out well we would just stay living together. This is one part of my confusion. She said she felt like i would force her to stay in this house. I knew the original plan and one of her goals and wants is to feel more independent which i fully support. I have always tried to tell her to try to see me more like support for her if she needs it more than i am literally supporting her and holding her up by myself. I know with our communication issues that this might have been seen differently by her but in truth we lived together for only a month. She somehow within just that month felt more unbearable living with me then living a year in a sexless, haulted, relationship where the guy took her for granted.

 

I feel like I was used instead of being support for her if she were to fall or fail, I feel like i was a stepping stone for her. Once she is off me she is totally off no more need for me anymore. What has been tearing me up is that I know I made her feel terrible through the miss communications and I know that that was unacceptable, but it was unintentional on my part. I never meant or would have let my behavior, actions or words continue if I knew how they were coming off to her. She has because of her past a lot of triggers. She was sexually assaulted 3 years ago by her ex fiance, who she left then he got a hold of her and trapped her while she had started a relationship with another guy, and used the idea of friendship with her to force himself on her. And she has a complicated family life with both her parents coming out as homosexual but also treating her more of like an object to be moved and manipulated then as a child. We have different definitions of words like the word please. To me and my family please was always used yes as polite, but mainly to ask a favor that we ourselves could not do alone. Please was more urgent but if it was a question then if they were to say no it didn't bother us and we would and could still do it on our own. We would not expect that action out of anyone just asking for a quick help. But to her if the word please is not used it is a demand. It is to say they expect you to do that action and anger and resentment is the result if you say no. This is an example of our issue with communication. We didnt learn these things about each other and how to approach more serious conversations with each other. But our roots still are there. We over the last few days have hung out cuddled, and talked about wants ideas and what not freely. We feel we still can be ourselves and be happy around one another. But one issue I have had is one of her other exes has started to become her friend. I have told her yes it is uncomfortable and Im not going to stop her from hanging out with him but that I felt it is inappropriate to hang out with him alone. just the 2 of them. That to me is to much. But guess who she moved in with after this one day move. She said she has needed space from me. That we still are in a relationship but taking steps back to before the move. But to me what I see now knowing more about her after we have talked is that she is conflicted and blames me for all of this. She cant forgive me for my unintentional actions even though i can forgive her for hers when when she knew all the consequences for doing it.

 

That the mixture of moving in with an ex, moving out in one day while i was at work, and moving away and giving up only 1 month in. How am I so unbearable to her that she cant forgive me? that she cant see we are still happy and having fun together and that it was the event of her first move mixed with the earliness of moving in together that caused the problem. One thing she also knew was this last week the day before thanksgiving was my birthday. and that we made plans for thanksgiving together. Guess who she is with today on thanksgiving. Its not with me and my birthday was not with me. Its with him. While her words say one thing that there is nothing going on with him and her my thoughts think otherwise. She has a habit of deflecting or steering away instead of directly lying. I asked her if she felt romantic feelings towards him and she went on o say she has a fondness for him as a friend. Not a no. she steered away. I want to believe her that that is all they are. But with my past of my exes cheating on me with guys they said were just friends Im not sure If I can take it. The day she moved I tried to take my life. I have always had depression and this was not the first time Ive tried to take my life. She knows this but afterwords she said she didnt believe me or the others all saying I was taken to the hospital that night.

 

I feel she feels nothing from then, nothing for what she did. And maybe she does and just has not told me, but all the things she has not told me is what is feeding those thoughts that she could be cheating, she could see me as worthless, she could have just used me and is continuing to use me. Every day I wake up from dreams. These dreams either go with we are happy and officially together. things are back to the way they were, or they are the opposite. She admits to cheating or breaks up with me and shows her true colors that she was just using me and i meant nothing more to her then a tissue. I wake up thought from even the night mares and everything returns to not knowing. And it feels worse then my nightmares. It tears me apart not being able to know what is going on. To go everyday not being able to move forwards and make a longer plan for my future. I just dont know what to do.

[Ziggy123]

Uh this is a big No! She just moved her stuff out unannounced and into her ex's place? I would tell her to get lost. She isn't the one to make future plans with if she can just up and leave unannounced.

[DanZee]

It sounds like she needed someplace to live for a while. You offered her a room. She moved in. But then you started making moves on her, trying to make her your girlfriend. She put up with it for a month and moved out. I think you were trying to take advantage of her and her situation. She has a lot of problems and instead of letting her get her stuff together, you went way too far. Leave her alone.

[Furrehjohnson]

We were in a relationship. We had made it clear we were dating one another, and we also made it clear at the beginning we wanted to stay together. She freely admitted at the beginning she knew she was cheating on her ex with me but she didn't want me to believe that she would do that same thing to me. She told me she didn't want me to doubt her but then never really tried to prove that I shouldn't. She constantly said things like that and that she wanted me in her life even if she had to step away as my girlfriend and take a place as a friend so I could try to heal my depressions. She said she didn't like the idea but she was willing to do what she needed to have me heal. But that she lied about too. Maybe she did just see my as a roommate. Maybe she did just say those things to make me let her in. But I never took advantage of her. I knew her past and respected her. If she only saw us in a certain way then it couldn't have been my fault since she never told me. She never talked to me about her deeper thoughts. She acted more like a cat when injured then a person. She never wanted to show emotions because she has been taught they make her vulnerable and weak. I was still trying to learn her and how to tell if she was unhappy or sad, even happy was harder to tell. She had burst of emotions that I could tell from smiles and crying or visible anger or if she was truly overjoyed, but if it wasn't the extreme of those emotions she talked to me with a blank stare and words that were sorted and sounded more like an essay then a real conversation. I know I did a lot of bad things to her reminding her of her past but every time i was told that what Ive done, I sought to change. Ive been trying to change and prove to her that I wasn't them want her to have better. I know I made mistakes not seeing certain times with her as quality time, and not being able to understand her deeper desires and goals. I made it clear to her that I did want to know. And I did want her to succeed. And she did the same to me. But she bailed. She used me. I didnt take advantage of her and move her in just because i wanted her to be my girlfriend. She was already that. we had already had a relationship and were learning one another likes dislikes, and all. She bailed though. I wanted to work it out. I even was fine breaking up with her if thats what she wanted. The only thing I cared about was just being dropped with no communication. She told me she would if she did break up with me the right way. Talk to me in person and tell me her feelings about it. She knew I wouldnt rebuddled it or try to convince her otherwise. At least I thought she knew. Because she always saw me as her exes she obviously thought Id just beg for her back. But I just wanted the closure and to know where I stood. Even if she would have told me she cheated on me and that she never loved me. then fine. I would be crushed but at least I would know.